Mel Gibson Gives Up Alcohol, Anti-Semitism Cold Turkey

Mel Gibson entered rehab today, after a weekend long booze-and-Jew-hating binge. The actor has long struggled with addiction to alcohol and anti-Semitism, in the past commenting that one without the other is like "coffee without cream." Gibson apologized for allegedly saying, "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," clarifying, "It's no more than half. I mean, 60%, tops."

Rolling Stones Continue to Tour, Ignore Their Black Bassist

As The Rolling Stones begin their "Bigger Bang" tour in Europe, they continue to awkwardly avoid acknowledging bassist Darryl Jones, even onstage. "Please, look away," Mick Jagger entreated the crowd. "He's a temp." Like the elusive Loch Ness monster, this photo is the only evidence we have for Jones' existence. Is it doctored? You be the judge.

Klezmer Music Sales Down 98% in Lebanon

As the conflict between Israeli and Hezbollah forces enters its third week, the war has claimed yet another victim: the Lebanese klezmer music industry. SoundScan figures show in Beirut, Klezmer sales now lag behind even Toby Keith's "I Love This Bar." Hostility toward the Jewish nation is at such a fever pitch, even a few bars of old favorites such as "Odessa Mama" or "Play Balalaika" will be met with a rock thrown at the erstwhile clarinetist.

Scientists Think Invisibility Possible in Near Future, Especially for Ashlee Simpson

A team of physicists believe that the dream of invisibility could become reality in the near future. While experiments involving cloaks and guiding of light rays have born some fruit, researchers say the most promising technology is "lack of other people's interest," and that Ashlee Simpson could disappear completely by August 9th.

Rumsfeld, Cook Launch MidEast Tourgasm

As tension mounts in the Middle East, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld plans to tour the Israel, Lebanon, and Syria...in a bus with comedian Dane Cook. Eighteen cities in 20 nights...can they survive?!!?! Opening for the pair is comedian Jay Davis who says after months of work his "killing them with kindness" bit is now "30% of the way there."
Not on the bill, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, reinforcing the stereotype that the female Tourgasm is a myth.

Record Heat Wave Leads to Record Complaining

The recent 16 straight days of record heat coincided with an also-record 16 straight days of complaining. The situation was exacerbated by wildfires and a large cantankerous elderly population. If the hot weather continues, Governor (!) Arnold Schwarzenneger is expected to call for "rolling whineouts." Beginning in Sacramento and traveling south, residents will be urged to conserve electricity and not talk about the weather.

Positive Blurb for "Lady in the Water" Clearly Bullshit or Sarcastic

"**** An Entrancing and Exciting Fable"
...raves "Jack Garner" (that sounds like a real name) of "Gannett News Service" (America's most trusted source). Other things Garner has recently praised include NBC's "Windfall," elective liver transplant surgery, and dating women who live alone with their cat. Agreeing with "Jack Garner" was "Prairie Miller" of "Insite Magazine," (you know - "Insite" the magazine that doesn't even spell its own title correctly) who writes, "Imaginative and bold storytelling." Miller also claims to be a "Narf."

Mel Gibson Busted For Driving with Twice the Legal Amount of Blood of Christ in His System

Gibson abdicated responsibility, saying G-d was his co-pilot. G-d now has 8 points on His license, and is scheduled to attend "Comedy Traffic School" early next week.

Lindsay Lohan Warned, "You'll Never Eat Lunch in This Town Again...Not That You Eat Lunch"

In an angry letter the producer of Lindsay Lohan's upcoming movie, "Georgia Rule" warned the actress about showing up late for work again, or being absent due to supposed "dehydration" or "exhaustion." The letter vowed Lohan would never eat lunch in this town again, if she did indeed eat lunch, which her publicist confirmed she does not. Lohan will still be able to get brunch, which she occasionally eats on Saturday. Lohan has only nine more chances to pull herself together.

Israel, Lebanon "Agree to Disagree"

Leaders say after thousands of years, "maybe we're both right." One things for sure - these two countries sure have a lot of tension, sexual and otherwise!

Condoleezza Rice Heads to Middle East to Play Piano

Fresh off wowing Asian leaders with a Fats Waller medley, the Secretary now heads to Lebanon - not to summit with leaders, but to "tickle the ivories." And while she's there, she'll continue to expose her "support hose." Expect peace soon!