Radio Shack Fires 400 Employees by Email, Forgetting They Don't Know How to Use Computers

400 Radio Shack employees failed to learn of their dismissal when they were notified by email. The company's CFO, who frequents Circuit City, forgot that most of his store's employees are computer illiterate. Radio Shack explained through a statement, "Normally, our employees rely on customers for technical support, so of course the mass email was a major oversight. Customers who frequent our stores should know that the layoffs will not affect the high-pressure, ignorant service they're accustomed to."

Travolta Dispels Straight Rumors

Man Who Leaves Bartender $10K Tip Can't Believe He Didn't Get Laid

As reported on the oft-reliable CNN.com a regular customer left Applebee's bartender Cindy Kienow a $10,000 tip on a $26 bill. What CNN neglected to report, however, is that the customer still can't believe he didn't get laid. "I mean seriously, WTF?" he wrote on the bottom of the receipt. Also, it remains unclear how just one person ran up a tab of $26 at Applebee's.

Hurricane Ernesto Downgraded to Category 2 After It Veers Off Toward Poor Neighborhood

Ernesto was a labeled a "Category 4" Hurricane as it seemed to be headed toward Miami's ritzy South Beach. Then as it shifted course for the more ramshackle Daytona, it was downgraded by the NOAA to "Category 2." "We really dodged a bullet there," FEMA wired the White House. "Scratch evacuation procedures and don't bother sending food and water."
"We're so relieved," Florida Governor Jeb Bush told reporters. "A direct hit by Ernesto would have devastated Miami. Now that devastation can happen to a much worse neighborhood."

Several Tampa Bay Devil Rays Still Gunning for Fantasy Playoffs

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays have been out of the playoff picture since the second day of the season. But several players are still busting their butts in the hopes of helping Fantasy Team Owners make their Yahoo! League Playoffs. Carl Crawford in particular still feels he has a lot to play for. "There are guys out there sitting in cubicles with thirty, maybe forty bucks on the line," Crawford said. "If that doesn't light a fire under your ass, I don't know what will. Even dudes like Jorge Cantu who've been stinking it up all year can get picked off waivers if they turn it on," Crawford continued as pitcher Chad Orvella sat awkwardly silent nearby. "Maybe next year," Orvella mumbled.

After Firing, Cruise Wishes He Hadn't Bought Sonogram Machine

Tom Cruise has a new $3 million a year production deal (a far cry from the annual $10 million he got from Paramount) but says he has no regrets...except for buying that sonogram machine. In a rare uncensored moment, Cruise said, "Hindsight is 20/15, but I guess the writing was on the wall. My Q Rating was down, "MI3" didn't pull the huge numbers we'd hoped. If I could do anything differently, I'd have not dropped a cool $9 mil on my own sonogram. Especially since I could have just rented it. The CAT Scan though? No regrets."

Karr: "OK, Seriously, but I Did Kill Nicole Simpson"

Creep du Jour John Mark Karr has been cleared in the murder of Jon Benet Ramsey, but in an equally chilling revelation, he now claims he killed Nicole Brown Simpson. "The Jon Benet thing was just to throw you off the track, take the heat off," Karr told investigators. "Thing is, I did do the Simpson murder. Not Goldman, just her. Oh, and Biggie Smalls, that was me too. Guess I went on kind of a spree back in the '90s. Hey, can I have a first class flight from Denver to Los Angeles, and back again?"
Meanwhile, OJ Simpson told reporters, "My nightmare is over. I am finally half-exonerated."

Ahmedinejad Wants to Debate Bush on Nukes, President Counteroffers Game of Cribbage

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad ("Mahma Ahme" to friends) has challenged President Bush to a public debate about his country's nuclear future. But President Bush has a different idea, explains White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "What better way to settle this once and for all than a game of cribbage for all the stakes. Cribbage - a game of wit, skill, guts, and a dash of luck. The Emporer's game. Just like whist, but with a nutsack." In response, Ahmedinejad's interpreter said, "Forget it, we'll just build the weapons."

Oprah Pregnancy Watch Heating Up for Crazy People

What began as scuttlebutt two months ago has morphed into full-fledged hysteria for Oprah pregnancy watchers. "This is the time, I really think it is," said Cynthia Sullivan who maintains the "Oprah Pregnancy Watch Message Board." "She's showing all the tell-tale signs...weight gain, moodiness, binge eating, impulsive shopping..." Friends and relatives have privately agreed to play along and see how far Sullivan takes it this time.

EMMY ROUNDUP: Dick Clark Interrupts Own "In Memoriam" Reel

Last night's Emmy Awards suffered an embarrassing technical gaffe when an "In Memorium" reel for Dick Clark was interrupted by Clark rising from the crowd and screaming, "I'm right here, damn it! Doesn't anyone fact-check these things?" Clark then headed to the podium for a freestyle rap session. Further embarrassment occured moments later when Emmy Host Conan O'Brien said, "And here to accept a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to television, Aaron Spelling!"

Eva Longoria Creates Dress from Paper Towel

Given access to legendary designers Lagerfeld, Givenchy, De La Renta, and who designed Eva Longoria's dress? The Brawny Paper Towel Man. The two major buzzwords of this year's fashion are "Hot!" and "Absorbant!"

Academy Ignores "Gray's Anatomy," MTV's "Yo Mama"

Proving just how out-of-touch they are with the American mainstream, the Academy snubbed both "Gray's Anatomy," and MTV's "Yo Mama." Valderrama remained uncowed and promised this season would offer the same neck-snapping, incredible surprises, such as last season's revolutionary "Yo Papa" joke.

Apple Laptop Recall Strands Millions Without Pornography

Last week, Apple Computer issued a mass recall of their laptops after problems with the batteries catching fire, and now a nation struggles as millions of Americans have been stranded without access to pornography. The problem is especially acute in the Dakotas, where traditional "paper" pornography is hard to find. A quick flyover showed thousands standing on rooftops, poking their heads out windows, holding signs that read, "Need to see genitals, please help." Congress has called an emergency session to determine whether Dutch Gangbang videos should be released from the strategic reserves.

Agassi's Retirement Means Jason Statham is Last, Great Hope for Bald White Guys

As Andre Agassi prepares for his final U.S. Open, White bald guys everywhere are desperately placing their hopes on British Actor Jason Statham. Members of the "Clean Pate Club" who gathered outside Flushing Meadows for a candlelight vigil had this to say, "For years, our morale has been boosted by people saying, 'you look like Andre Agassi.' Now, recently, we're getting Kenny Chesney and Howie Mandel. Howie f*#&ing Mandel??? If Statham can't raise his profile, I'm going to Bosley."

Jon Benet Murder Bombshell: It Was Self-Defense

Police have been rocked by a new revelation in the Jon Benet case: sources now say apparently the crime was committed in self-defense. Suspect John Mark Karr claims there was a drug deal gone bad, when an enranged Jon Benet pulled out a Glock and threatened to spray his brains on the wall if he didn't give up the angel dust. Karr says that's when he reacted. Boulder police says it's the most promising theory so far...DEVELOPING...

Nicole Richie, "The Last 50 Pounds Hardest to Lose"

Nicole Richie has words of inspiration for all dieters: "The last 50 pounds are the hardest to lose." Richie explained the difficulty she's encountered in reaching her target weight. "Once you get below 80, you're no longer trying to lose flesh and muscle, you're trying to lose bone. So it's not enough just to diet and exercise. You need to avoid other nutrients like air, sunshine, and water." Richie says she hopes to one day fit into the swimsuit she wore as an infant.
(ED: KEEP IN MIND THE CAMERA ADDS 10 POUNDS)

Bush Plans to Stop Illegal Immigration by Ruining Economy

Today President Bush unveiled the latest weapon in the war on illegal immigration: a ruined economy. "If we can get to the point where there's widespread poverty and no jobs, surely we can stem the tide of illegals," said White House press liaison Tony Snow. "We have to make Mexico look like the better option." The President also hopes immigrants will take a gander at New Orleans and see that things aren't so great over here.

EDITORIAL: Promised "Willenium" Doesn't Pan Out

Remember late 1999? Remember being promised that the year 2000 would usher in a new "Willenium?" Well like the Y2K "crisis," those dreams haven't materialized. Here we are in 2006, and all we have to show for the "Willenium" are DVDs of "Bagger Vance" and "Hitch." Things are a whole hell of a lot less "jiggy" than they were even three years ago. So what happened? It's time for a bipartisan investigation.

President Bush Signs Bill, Changes Mind, Crosses Out Signature

Yesterday afternoon, President Bush signed a health care bill that would order an investigation into health care costs, then instantly changed his mind and crossed out his signature. "Why peer too closely into these things?" the President asked. "I mean, just pay what your insurance says. That's the cost." It's unclear whether technically the bill went into effect.

Paramount Offers Cruise Zero Picture Deal

After a lucrative 14-year relationship which included the "Mission Impossible" series, Paramount Pictures made Tom Cruise a final offer: A zero picture deal for no money. Cruise's reps turned down the offer, and the actor left the studio lot, climbing into his vintage WWII jet "Kiss Me Kate," and flew to a disclosed location. A representative for Nichole Kidman said, "Way to F my alimony."

STARS ARE JUST LIKE US!!

They take off work for dehydration!

They have complete plastic surgery overhauls at the age of 22!

They do heroin, date supermodels, and get arrested for punching a nurse in the chest!

Unconjoined Twins Rejoined for Convenience

Mitzi and Tartuffe Reginald of Upland, WI, conjoined twins originally separated two years ago by surgeons, have been rejoined for convenience and financial purposes. Their mother Betsy comments, "It's just easier this way. I only have to call one of them for dinner. I only have to help one of them with her homework. Not to mention what we're saving on clothing, food, even bedding. If I didn't rejoin them girls, we'd never own a boat."

Paris Hilton Album Carries Warning Label, "Not Suitable"

The RIAA has affixed a label to Paris Hilton's album warning consumers, "This album is not suitable." "It's not an age thing, or an explicit lyrics thing," RIAA's attorney wrote in a press release. "It's that this music simply isn't suitable. For anyone. Under any circumstances." Reportedly the album is so bad that some stores are classifying it as "Country music."

Iran: "Right to Nuclear Weapons in Our Constitution"

Today Iranian President Ahmadinejad addressed global concerns about his country's nuclear program, saying Iran's constitution guarantees the right to nuclear weapons. "It's in there, just before the right to not have an attorney, and just after the right to hit your fourth wife in the head with a shovel," Ahmadinejad said, pointing out the relevant passages in Iran's constitution, which appears to be stored as a Word98 document.

Guy From Jamiroquai, Stupid Hat Celebrate 10 Year Anniversary

Romance was in the air yesterday as that guy from Jamiroquai and his stupid hat celebrated their 10 year union. First the guy whisked the hat away for a hot stone massage, facial, and mineral bath. Next, a romantic candlelight dinner at a small bistro, and finally, they renewed their vows on the beach. "It gets better every day," said the guy from Jamiroquai. "I never knew I could be this happy," seconded the stupid hat.

Kevin Federline Performance Not as Bad as Hoped

Kevin Federline disappointed "fans" last night with a performance at the Teen Choice Awards that sucked, but not in a legendary way. When you hear the name "Federline," you expect incredibly bad rhymes paired with arrogant bravado. Instead, the temporary Mr. Spears delivered milquetoast awful White rap with a blase performance. Some light at the end of the tunnel though: Federline is reportedly working on a lyric where he rhymes "Britney" with "You gotta be shittin' me."

Virgin Mary Found in Painting of Virgin Mary

Religious fervor has gripped the small town of Fountain Valley, CA as a vision of the Virgin Mary was spotted in a painting of the Virgin Mary. "Say what you want," said a resident, "It can't be coincidence. It looks exactly like the blessed Virgin." Pilgrims journeying to see the painting were again astounded when a vision of Jesus was found in a statue of Jesus.

Breaking News: Geraldo to Re-open Al Capone's Vault to See if Anyone's Put Anything in There Since 1986

Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault on national TV in 1986 and found nothing - but the indefatigable "investigative reporter" plans to re-open the vault 20 years later to see if anyone has put anything in it in the meantime. Details are sketchy, other than Geraldo plans to wear a tan vest for the broadcast.

Winner of "America's Top Model" Now America's 19,429th Model

Call it false advertising, but Naima Mora, who won season 4 of "America's Top Model" ranks nowhere near the top of America's models. A recent survey of America's models shows Mora at number 19,429, well below the toddlers riding a plastic car in the Toys 'R Us circular and the woman whose chest and bra appears sketched in the Sunday times. However, some good news - Mora is #88 of America's Top Waitresses.

Jon Benet Suspect, "OK, I Didn't Kill Her, but I Wish I Did"

John Mark Carr, lead suspect in the Jon Benet Ramsey murder case, now says he didn't committ the crime, but he wishes he had. In an email sent to himself from his gmail to his Yahoo! account in 1998, Carr wrote, "That whole 'little miss perfect' thing is so annoying. 'Oh, I happen to be a tiny beauty queen,' Yeah - well F you." Carr told authorities he planned to kill Jon Benet, but arrived on the scene too late - someone had already "stolen his idea." In a sworn affidavet, Carr said, "You snooze, you lose."

Kevin Federline Named "Father of the Year" by Source Magazine

Finally some good news for celebrity spouse Kevin Federline - "Source Magazine" has named him their "Father of the Year." A Source source said, "Admittedly the competition was weak. It came down to K-Fed, C-Murder, and DMX. Even after his DUI, DMX was our first choice, but then came his air-rage arrest, and we had to reconsider. K-Fed seems to spend at least one night a month at home, and he hasn't dropped his baby on his head, as far as we know. And that makes him 'Father of the Year.'"

North Korean Missile Comes with 5 Year / 50,000 Mile Powertrain Warranty

Intelligence sources reveal not only does North Korea have another missile test planned, but the new missile also comes with an unprecedented "5 Year / 50,000 Mile Powertrain Warranty." Such an incentive would be terrible news to America's embattled missile manufacturers who were forced to use "employee pricing" deals to clear a surplus of 2005 missiles from their lots.

Jon Benet Killer, "I Thought It Was Her Mother Too"

Admitted Jon Benet Ramsey killer John Mark Carr had a second stunning confession for police, "I thought it was her mother too." In a deposition, Carr said, "Until I was caught I just assumed it was Patsy Ramsey. I mean, she acted so weird after I committed the killing, that I figured she must have done it. While I'm not shocked I did it, I'm surprised she didn't do it." Carr also told police that the sex was consensual.
(tip of the cap to Mediayenta for the headline)

Pepper Spray Ineffective on Cajuns

A year after Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans police are facing a new crisis: Cajun criminals have seemingly developed an immunity to pepper spray. After a recent bust at a local meth lab, two officers tried to subdue eight Cajuns with pepper spray. Officer David York explains the result, "It wasn't that they just shook it off. They actually behaved as though it was delicious. One of them grabbed the tube from my hand, sprayed it directly into his mouth until it was empty, then asked if I had anymore. Another requested I spray his plate of crawfish." Going forward, the NOPD plans to replace pepper spray with atomic hotwings shot out of a grenade launcher.

Radical Islamic Environmentalist Develops BioDiesel-Based Molotov Cocktail

A member of Hezbollah claims he's developed the world's first biodiesel powered Molotov cocktail. "You can ignite it with falafel grease, Halvah runoff, whatever," said the man who calls himself "The Green Jihadi." "It's just as explosive as a traditional gasoline Molotov cocktail, but with 30% fewer fluorocarbon emissions." He continued, "If just 25% of religious warriors switch over, we could cut our gasoline consumption by 4 million gallons a year. We need to act now to ensure our children have a world to blow themselves up in."

Barry Bonds: "There's No 'Team' in 'I'"

After being ripped by a local columnist who said, "There's no 'I' in 'team'," San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds responded, "Yeah, well there's no 'team' in 'I' either. I mean, 'I' is just one letter, you can't fit a whole word in there. Also, there's an 'm' and an 'e' in team, so you can make 'me' if you rearrange the letters. Also, why are people constantly spelling around me?" Bonds then grew two hat sizes in 30 seconds.
Bonds' spokesman later pointed out there is an "I" in "steroids" but none in "Human growth hormone."

New Jessica Simpson Album to be Enjoyed Ironically in 20 Years

Jessica Simpson has her eyes on the future, and says her new album is meant to be enjoyed ironically, in 20 years. In the liner notes, Simpson writes, "This music is intended as a time capsule for college students in 2026. They can get high, and laugh at how terrible things were 'back when people thought this screeching shrew could actually sing.' I hope some day on VH1's 'I love the 2000's' a 60 year old Hal Sparks (still in distressed leather jacket) goes, 'Can you believe people actually LISTENED to this??' - Jess." Meanwhile, sister Ashlee Simpson remains committed to recording music that is widely regarded as horrible right now.

New Hair Transplant Looks Like Your Own Natural, Shitty Hair

An exciting new development from the world of hair plugs - new technology is available that makes transplants look like you're own natural, shitty hair. "It's amazing," a recent patient commented. "It looks exactly like I have a terrible haircut."
"I can finally play tennis," added a gentlemen with what appeared to be thick pubes above his brow. "It looks just like my own hair, which was horrible in the first place."

Boy George, George Michael Merge Operations, Become "Boy George Michael"

Realizing there is only enough interest out there for one of them, fading British singers Boy George and George Michael will henceforth be known as one entity "Boy George Michael." "Think of the added convenience," said Boy George. "One of us can drive while the other one masturbates. One can do community service cleaning trash in the park, while the other cruises in it."
"I want my own sex," added Michael, cryptically.

Ryan Gosling to Star in Remake of "John Tucker Must Die"

A "News as Gossip" Exclusive - we've learned that Ryan Gosling has signed on to play the lead role in a remake of "John Tucker Must Die." An anonymous source within 20th Century Fox elaborated, "With 'Miami Vice,' 'Longest Yard,' 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' etc. remakes are more popular than ever. Who wants to wait years for a remake? We're shortening the production cycle, so the day the original 'John Tucker Must Die' leaves theaters, the remake hits them. " While Gosling is a controversial choice for Tucker purists, they should be sated knowing that Fatso-Fasano will reprise his role as Tommy Tucker.

Gas Prices, Whitney Houston Hit Record Highs

In a rare but telling coincidence, both gas prices and Whitney Houston hit record highs today. Regular gasoline reached an average of $3.03 nationwide, while Whitney Houston went on a drug-fueled rant about the spiders that are eating her sweater. Gas prices are so high, earlier today Bobby Brown crashed an ethanol hybrid. While greater supplies should lower high prices in the upcoming months, they will have the opposite effect on Whitney.

Britain Lowers Terror-Alert Level to "Soil Yourself"

Days after breaking up a plot to bomb at least ten airliners, the British government lowered the terror alert level from "Heart Attack" to "Soil Yourself." Provided there are no attacks in the next few weeks, the level could be lowered to the relative bliss of "Extremely Severe" by September. Citizens are urged to report any behavior, suspicious or not suspicious, to authorities.

Rwandans Ask: "How Can You Call It 'World Series of Poker' When We're Not Invited?"

On Friday, former TV producer Jamie Gold won the World Series of Poker, but not without controversy as several prominent Rwandans asked, "How can it be the World Series? No one told us." When asked if they had a deck of cards, there was a pregnant silence followed by a meek, "What are cards?" and then a passive-aggressive, "You know what? Fine, let's just drop the whole thing. But don't expect an invite to the Goatlympics."

Hezbollah Signs Maurice Clarett

In dire need of shoring up their backfield, Lebanese terrorist group Hezbollah has rolled the dice and decided to take a chance on troubled running back Maurice Clarett. Clarett, recently arrested with four AK-47s after leading police on a highway chase, could be just the answer. "He has everything we need," said a high-ranking cleric who wished to remain anonymous. "He enjoys robbery, violent encounters, and seems to be insane enough to fight seven well-armed people at once." Clarett's contract includes incentives for inflicting civilian casualties and immolating Starbucks franchises. Clarett is represented by ICM.

Foiled Terror Plot Prevents at Least One New Oliver Stone Movie

By arresting suspects who planned to bring down 10 airliners, British police prevented thousands of deaths, and at least one new Oliver Stone movie. In case of an attack, Stone reportedly has at least 8 "terror movie templates" that can be produced within hours. Nicholas Cage, Kevin Costner, and Colin Farrel will be sent to a bunker, to await further instructions, and sides. "Whew, that was a close one," said Britain's Chief of Intelligence. Not only am I a citizen, I'm also a moviegoer."

ABC News Report on Airline Bombing Teaches How to Make Bombs

As always, when covering terrorism, ABC News details bomb ingredients and emphasizes how easy bombs are to make. As a courtesy, they suggest other techniques to bring down planes. Way to go, ABC. Up next, Charles Gibson gives three easy ways to spread avian flu.

American Airlines Becomes First to Offer Naked, Liquidless, Pakistani-Free Flight

In wake of yesterday's arrest of 19 terror suspects who planned to mix liquid explosives and bring down a jet, American Airlines has become the first to offer naked, liquidless, Pakistani-free flight. For just $1,000 extra, you can put your ass directly on polyester, and get completely dehydrated while sitting amidst other nervous, parched White people. And for just $20 more, you'll be seated next to a naked, bomb-sniffing ninja.

British Police Break Up Terror Plot, Arrest 21 in Extremely Polite Raid

British police have arrested 21 men planning a cataclysmic attack on airline flights, in a midnight raid being described as both "significant" and "gentlemenly." Unarmed gendarmes stormed an apartment complex with a megaphone entreating residents, "Please kindly step away from the Semtex. We have you surrounded, and we beg of you, dear sirs, take a few moments to dress yourselves and pack some belongings so that we may bring you to headquarters for questioning. After tea, of course. By the way it's 68 degrees out, very comfortable, but there is a breeze so you may want to wear a light sweater." As the suspects screamed curses, the bobbies replied, "Tut, tut. Stiff upper lip and all that."

BLIND ITEM: Which high-energy movie star / comedian checked himself into alcohol rehab?

Still wondering? His initials are "R.W." Still at a loss? He won an Oscar for his role as a therapist in "Good Will Hunting." Still guessing? It's Robin Williams. Still not sure? I just told you it's Robin Williams. OK, seriously, stop guessing. You know it's Robin Williams, are you stupid or something? Look at me. In the eyes. It's Robin Williams. No, not Jack Black, you fool. He didn't win an Oscar. Besides, I just told you it's ROBIN WILLIAMS!! WHY ARE WE EVEN HAVING THIS DISCUSSION??
Williams asked that during this difficult time that no one respect his privacy.

Relive Your Favorite Hurricane Katrina Moments with New Commemorative Stamps

As the first anniversary of Hurricane Katrina approaches, the post office has a new line of stamps celebrating some of your favorite moments. There's "Submerged Houses," "Satellite View," "Family Evacuation," "Mike Myers and Kanye," and more!

Mel Gibson Celebrates Lieberman Loss with Moussy

As unofficial results showed Sen. Joe Lieberman losing Connecticut's Democratic primary by a 52% to 48% margin, Mel Gibson cracked open an ice-cold Moussy and proposed a toast. "The Jew lost," Gibson announced, lifting his non-alcoholic brewski in tribute. "There's a responsible way and an irresponsible way of being Anti-Semitic, and here's to doing it sober." Gibson then downed thirty-eight twelve-ounce bottles of Moussy and pronounced himself "almost buzzed."

New Microsoft Operating System Can Also Crash on Macs

Microsoft, close to unveiling its new operating system, "Vista," promises this version will also be able to crash on Macs. "The beauty of Vista is it can crash on a wide variety of platforms, even handhelds and cellphones!" the packaging boasts. "You'll have hours of fun downloading service packs and drivers to your TIVO and XBOX. It's all about flexibility, crashing your computer when and where you choose. And it's so easy, even four year olds can crash it!"

United Negro College Fund Ad Responsible for Kid Scorching His Head

UNCF is facing a major public relations debacle after revealing that their most recent ad (ABOVE) was not created in Photoshop, but rather, a tiny space shuttle was launched off a young boy's head. Even worse, it being the space shuttle, it took three attempts (and three young men) to get the photo. And through it all, he still managed to smile. Next year the UNCF plans to make use of a "thought bubble" rather than staging an actual rocket launch.

President Bush Promises MidEast Ceasefire When He's Back from Vacation

President Bush vowed to do everything in his power to halt the conflict between Lebanon and Israel, once he's done vacationing. Bush is spending the week at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, mountain biking, resting, and chopping wood so he has plenty for those brutal Texas winters. The President vowed, "The region should know we are 100% committed to ending this conflict, some time around August 18th, after I've gone through the mail that's piled up at the White House."

Penelope Cruz: "I've Seen Suri Too" (At Least We Think That's What She Said)

Penelope Cruz is the latest celebrity to claim she's seen Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' baby - at least we think that's what she said. CNN's reporter at the scene noted: "The first word was definitely 'I.' 'Seen Suri' could have been 'Be worried?' or 'Snow flurry?' or even 'Eat curry.' And I'm pretty sure she said 'Too' even though it may have been 'food,' or 'blue.'" Cruz then added that the baby was "beautiful," or "dutiful," or "musical," while everyone smiled and nodded like they understood. Still no one has explained why Tom Cruise is having his ex-girfriends over the house.

Paris Hilton Closed for Renovations

According to Yahoo! News, Paris Hilton will remain celibate for the next year, while her genital area undergoes extensive renovations. In an ambitious engineering project second in scope only to Boston's Big Dig, there will be a complete labial rebuild, and each worn part will be replaced, requiring teams of 80 surgeons to work around the clock in shifts. In addition, Paris will install a plush waiting area for visitors, as well as a museum and a reflecting pool between her legs. During that time, she will wear a sign under her dress that says, "Please Pardon Our Appearance, We're renovating. We Apologize for the Dust."

Study of Myspace Shows America Has More Bands Than People

An exhaustive analysis of Myspace.com shows America has 278 million people and over 398 million bands, or a staggering 1.4 bands per person (BPP). The situation has created an "audience vortex" - most people cannot attend their friends' shows because they themselves have shows. On any given night, 89% of America is performing music, but only 2% are watching. In addition, with bands multiplying faster than people, millions of illegal immigrants are pouring over the border to take the job no one wants: bass player.

Largest Alaska Oil Field Shuts Down, President Bush Advises, "Swim to Work"

Pipeline corrosion has forced BP to shut down Prudhoe Bay, responsible for 8% of U.S. oil, leading President Bush to recommend a controversial conservation method: swimming to work. "In these unsure times, all of us need to cut back on consumption," the President said, "And a good way to do that is to swim to work. For those who live by the water and work on the water, it's easy. Those who don't may want to move, and/or quit their jobs for a job on the water. Or, you can swim on pavement. It's a lot slower, but it's physically possible. I know it sounds drastic," the President continued, "But we must reduce our dependence on domestic oil."

80% of Southerners Think "Talladega Nights" is a Documentary

Exit surveys show a whopping 80% of Southerners don't realize that this weekend's #1 movie "Talladega Nights" is a comedy. At a screening in Jacksonville, a reporter counted over 100 men crying in their coveralls between handfuls of Goobers and mayonnaise. Several women wailed, "Why?" over and over, their turkey necks flapping audibly. On its editorial page, "The Savannah Post" wrote, "This is the most important story of our time. How come the liberal media never talks about it? Instead they prattle on about Israel and stem cells." And according to the "Fort Lauderdale Gazette," "The 'Ballad of Ricky Bobby is our Ballad.' It was our Daddies' ballad, and our Granddaddy's ballad. We can't wait to see it again when it comes out on VHS."

Joe Lieberman Still Campaigning Heavily for Wife's Vote

With every major poll showing Sen. Joe Lieberman trailing Ned Lamont by an insurmountable margin in Connecticut's Democratic primary, Lieberman continues to campaign vigorously for the vote of his wife. However, upset at her husband's support for the Iraqi war, and tired of his voice which she describes as a "the dull nasal drone of a Rabbi on quaaludes," Hadassah Lieberman is on the fence. "Oy gevalt. On the one hand he's a terrible Senator, but on the other, I don't want him home more often. The other night he gave me a 40 minute stump speech in the living room. Our living room! He finished by telling me that Ned Lamont doesn't support fresh challah on Shabbat. I thought I'd plotz. Oh, this life," Mrs. Lieberman related, as she pounded whitefish with mallet. If Lieberman loses the Democratic primary, he promises to run (and lose) the general election as an Independent.

UNICEF: "For 6¢ a Day You Can Feed this Child. For $28 a Day, You Can Feed Him Tapas"

UNICEF has a bold new marketing campaign to cash in on the tapas craze: for the regular 6¢ a day you can feed a starving child a boring meal of gruel...or for $28 you can feed him a seven course Spanish tapas feast (!) including garlic shrimp, chorizo with figs, ensaladilla rusa, Pinchitos Morunos (Small Spicy Moorish Kebabs), Riñones al Jerez (Sherry Kidneys), Boquerones en Escabeche (Moorish Pickled Anchovies), and a flight of wines including a very crisp granache. The $28 does not include tax or gratuity. For $188 a day, the child could eat chef's choice omakase sushi.

America's Tiniest Drug Sniffing Dog Coked Out of Its Mind

Meet "Midge," America's tiniest drug-sniffing dog. At just 6 pounds, she's a powerful new weapon in the War on Drugs. She's also coked out of her gourd. With her natural pulse hovering at 300 beats per minute, even one whiff of fine Colombian turns her into Alfred Molina from "Boogie Nights," times a hundred. (ABOVE) In a coke-fueled rage, Midge attempts to fight a German Shepard. (BELOW) Celebrities have quickly taken to Midge, who's great at finding where the hell you left your stash in an 18 bedroom mansion.

Iranian President, "Now is Time to Stop Healing, Start Killing"

In a fiery address given to a parliament session that can only be described as a "complete sausagefest," Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad praised violence throughout the Middle East saying, "Now is time for killing, not healing." Ahmadinejad continued, "We should not let our differences unite us, nor should we work together for the common good. That can come later. We should maim each other for another 6 years, at least. Also, I don't care what anyone says, I'm not putting on a tie."

Britney Spears' Baby Checks into Prehab™

Following a stop for DWB (Driving While a Baby) on the Pacific Coast Highway - the very same road where Mel Gibson was busted just three days ago - Sean Preston (Spears? Federline?) enrolled in Malibu Promises Toddler Reahab Program, otherwise known as Prehab™. Little is known about the program, except they don't have "12 steps" since none of the patients can walk. "I wish him the best," said Apple Paltrow. "Prehab™ saved my life."

Iraq Headed Toward Civil War, and Worse, Civil War Re-enactments

The Head of U.S. Central Command, Gen. John Abizaid acknowledged Thursday that Iraq could descend into Civil War, and even worse, Civil War Re-enactments. "Sectarian violence is at an all-time high, and several militias are growing muttonchop sideburns and eating 'Goober Peas,'" Abidzaid told a congressional panel. "The danger is they could purchase muskets, declare their loyalty to Robert E. Lee, and break into a rousing chorus of 'John Brown's Body Lies A-Moulding in the Grave.'" Vice President Cheney informed the panel he thinks the re-enactments are in their "last throes."

Following Success of YouTube, NBC Integrates Buffering into Regular TV

Lifting a page from the YouTube.com playbook, NBC will integrate buffering into their live television broadcasts, beginning this Fall. An NBC programming executive commented, "People love YouTube. We can only assume it's the suspense generated when the screen freezes and you have to wait for the rest of the clip to play. The buzzword this year is 'chopiness.'" NBC will emulate other YouTube features such as washed-out contrast, tinny sound, and a difficult-to-navigate rewind button. The exec continued, "We'd like our viewers to feel as if they're bored in the office and a friend has sent them a link."

75% of Women Would Choose Flatscreen TV Over Diamond Necklace; Are Told "You're Not Getting Either"

A new survey by the Oxygen Network shows three of four women would prefer the gift of a flatscreen TV over a diamond necklace. The response from boyfriends and spouses has been nearly unanimous: "Are you frigging kidding me? Gas is like $3.50 a gallon, our power bill for the AC is going to be at least 250 bucks and you think you're getting ANYTHING??? Jesus, do you want to be $90,000 in credit card debt?? You're unbelievable."

United Airlines Chooses Horrible Product Placement

Fresh off their ill-conceived appearance in the movie "United Flight 93," United planes will once again crash onscreen in Oliver Stone's "World Trade Center." Irate shareholders protested outside the company's headquarters asking, "Couldn't you put United in 'You, Me, and Dupree,' or something a little more lighthearted? Thanks for ruining my retirement."

New Derek Jeter Cologne Smells Like Your Girlfriend is Sleeping with Nick Lachey

Derek Jeter unveiled his new fragrance yesterday, "Driven," a stunning combination of grapefruit, sandalwood, remnants of Vanessa Minnillo, and denial. Not to be outdone, Yankees teammate Alex Rodriguez unveiled a perfume of his own, "Not Quite as Driven." You can buy either (or both) wherever things people don't want are sold.

Hooters Spins Off New Sister Restaurant, "Balls"

After 23 years of successfully pairing breasts with chicken wings, the restaurant Hooters plans to further capitalize on America's desire to see two round body parts smashed snugly together with the opening of its new chain, "Balls." Characterized as a "fun, neighborhood joint," Balls will be a great place to eat fried mozzarella while ogling the exposed lower curvature of young men's nutsacks. If successful, the brand may expand to a third chain, "Asscheeks."

Castro Hands Power to Brother, Ushers in Bold New Era of Tyranny

Scheduled to undergo surgery to repair intestinal bleeding, Cuban leader Fidel Castro, temporarily handed over power to his younger brother, 156 year-old Raul Castro. Fidel told Raul, "It's an easy job. The list of who to torture is in the top drawer by the dishwasher. I left you a 7-hour speech on the podium by the fountain with no water in it. Once in awhile, drive around and make sure no one has any food or toilet paper." The dictator's procedure will be performed by Cuba's top surgeon, who specializes in drilling skull-holes to let the demons out.

No Urine Found in Floyd Landis' Urine

Further analysis of a sample given by temporary Tour De France champion Floyd Landis has revealed synthetic testosterone, natural testosterone, whiskey, steroids, naugahyde, Human Growth Hormone, and SPF 30 sunscreen, but surprisingly no traces of actual urine. Landis shocked scientists last week when he was asked to pee in a test tube and his stream shattered the glass. Floyd Landis will likely lose his championship, and the title will be given to a rider who drank more Golden Seal.