Obesity, Toothlessness Linked to Picking Incorrect Lottery Numbers

New research indicates a strong causal connection between obesity, toothlessness, and lottery futility. According to a study done by Cal Tech, with each pound a person gains, and each tooth lost, the chance of selecting winning numbers drops by a stastically significant .002%. Also, the chance of being struck by lightning rises a corresponding percentage due to increased girth. The researchers were unable to explain how or why individuals continue to gain weight despite not being able to chew food.

President Bush Says "Torture, Wiretapping, Pollution, Debt, Ongoing War, Poverty, Fear and Misery the Price We Must Pay for Freedom"

It's long been said that freedom comes at a cost. In a 48 minute address, President Bush outlined the exact cost, which includes but is not limited to: destruction, violence, mayhem, E. coli, Bird Flu, sunburns, botched surgery, Clay Aiken, fraud, ozone holes, pornography, famine, depression, itchiness, Frapuccinos that get too lumpy near the bottom to fit into the straw, foul odors, spam emails, "For Dummies" books, Gonorrhea, overcrowded schools, nail fungus, and interviews with Eva Longoria.

Terrell Owens Attempts Suicide; Parcells Reacts, "Why Couldn't It Have Been Bledsoe?"

Hearing that star receiver Terrell Owens attempted to kill himself, Coach Bill Parcells lamented, "Why couldn't it have been Drew Bledsoe?" Bledsoe has been the subject of frequent Parcells' criticism for his immobile footwork, inaccurate passing, and lackadaisical demeanor. "If Drew would off himself, we could start Tony Romo, and this whole QB controversy would be resolved," Parcells confided to Cowboys' owner Jerry Jones. Bledsoe, meanwhile, says he attempted to send Owens his sympathies, but they were intercepted.

Use of the Word "Whom" Has Dropped 99% Since 1940

If lately you feel far from whom, there's a good reason: use of the word has fallen 99% since 1940. A comprehensive survey of modern American vernacular shows "Whom" is used mainly by exchange students and expatriate British butlers. Surprisingly, "whom" lags behind even "fortnight," "truncate," and "beatify." At this point, the word should not ask for who the bell tolls - it tolls not for "thee," but for "whom."

Paris Hilton Charged with DUI, Issues "Youa Culpa"

After being arrested for drunk driving earlier this month, Paris Hilton was today officially charged with a DUI. Hilton took the unusual step of issuing a "Youa Culpa" through her publicist, blaming (in no particular order): Nicole Richie, Brandon Davis, Lindsay Lohan, Matt Leinart, Harry Morton, You, Zig Zigler, the Police (the band, not the cops), Adrian Grenier, Gabe Kapler, Carl's Jr., Katt Williams, Lindsay Lohan again, Richard Moll, Stavros Niarchos, Nikki Hilton, Tommy Lee, Travis Barker, Nomar Garciaparra, and former governor Gray Davis.
Oh, and I forgot to mention: Stacey Keach.

Senator Wishes He'd Learned He's Jewish After Yom Kippur

Senator George Allen (R-VA) picked a lousy week to learn he's Jewish. Because of the High Holidays, Sen. Allen now must atone for sins he didn't even realize were sins, attend lengthy Temple services, then fast for 24 hours, all in his first week as a Jew. And it couldn't come at a worse time, right in the middle of a campaign. "What a pain in my tuchus" the Senator lamented. "Why couldn't I have found out during Tu Bishvat?"

TMZ.com Has Footage of You Masturbating

TMZ.com isn't just about the latest tawdry celebrity gossip or invasive paparazzi photos - they also have footage of you masturbating. How did they get it? They won't say. Will they post it? Maybe. Is there anything you can do? No. By the way - yes, it was the one time you did it in your car.

Atlanta Falcons Lose to a Bunch of Refugees

Atlanta Falcons football hit a new low last night when they were roundly thumped 23-3 by a team of Hurricane Katrina refugees. In an effort so appalling, even Bono from U2 called him "shite," Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick aka "Ron Mexico" completed only 12 of 31 passes, and blamed his poor footing on excessive poop on the field.

Detroit Clinches Playoff Spot; Riot Cancelled Because Everything's Already Burnt

Last night the Detroit Tigers clinched their first playoff spot since 1987 and celebrated with 227 bottles of champagne. Fans taking to the Detroit streets for a well-deserved riot, however, were disappointed to find that anything and everything that could possibly be lit on fire was already charred beyond recognition. The Red Cross is asking for tax-deductible donations of old cars, full trash cans, and dumpsters so these unfortunate souls will have something to burn in celebration.

Bin Laden Either Dead, Hiding, or Out of VHS Cassettes

While rumors that Osama bin Laden is either dead or hiding are spreading through intelligence communities, authorities are now considering a third possibility for his disappearance: he has simply run out of VHS cassettes. It's a well-known fact that by the time he fled into the mountainous region between Afghanistan and Pakistan, bin Laden was down to a four-pack of Maxells. Local Pashtuns then smuggled in some Hi-8 tapes which did not fit in his video camera. The terror mastermind is reportedly so desperate, he is considering taping over his 1994 World Cup Highlights.

Liquids Allowed Back on Planes, Part of New Plan to "Ease Up" on Terrorism

Starting today, water, hair gels, kerosene, and other explosive liquids will once again be permitted on airplanes as part of a larger TSA initiative to make air travel easier for terrorists. The TSA explained thusly: "If we keep uncovering their plots and arresting them, that's only going to make terrorists more frustrated and angry. Maybe we can beat terrorism with a handshake and a smile! LOL ROLF! (sic)"

Audrey Hepburn Deathbed Wish Revealed: "Use My Image to Market Mass-Produced Black Pants"

In 1993 as Audrey Hepburn lay dying of colon cancer, she had but one wish: that her legacy would live on in "dancing pants" ads, preferably for Old Navy, but if they passed, then for the Gap. "What a wonderful addition to the Hepburn legacy," said Gap's VP of marketing. "In addition to the pants, Audrey also loved our "Ultra sheer stitched low rise thong. Somewhere in Heaven, Audrey is smiling, and wearing an outfit that cost less than $60!"

Ghosts Tell "Ghost Whisperer": "We Can't F*ing Hear You, Speak Up!"

Ghosts are mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore. They've finally told so-called "Ghost Whisperer" Melinda Gordon, "Speak up! We can't f*ing hear you." After being asked, "Where's your sister?" in sotto voce, a fed-up ghost of a little boy killed in a train wreck said, "Bitch, I'm dead, not deaf! Clear your damned throat!" Ghosts also recently told James Van Praagh, "Shave your mustache, dickus. It's not 1983."

Very Few Mark Jewish New Year by Joining Gyms

You hear the words "New Year" and you think "Gym Membership," but surveys show surprisingly few Jews (actually ZERO) celebrating their New Year by joining up. In fact, most Jews appear to be more interested in quiet reflection on the year 5765 than on burning flab. Los Angeles Rabbi Ben Ezekial explains, "Rosh Hashanah is more than just a time to begin Pilates instruction. It's a time when we remember our sins and experience a period of mourning and rebirth. However, the fast of Yom Kippur is a great time to drop a few." Still, Gold's is offering to waive the initiation fee for anyone who shows up in a dark suit and tallis.

Two "Jackass" Movies Released on Same Day

It's not enough that Hollywood is giving us a second Truman Capote movie or two movies about 19th century magicians ("The Illusionist", "The Prestige"); this weekend we also have to endure two "Jackass" movies - one starring Johnny Knoxville and friends, the second starring Sean Penn wearing a cream-colored suit and yelling at people with a bad accent. Both movies reportedly even feature the same scene where the main character jumps into a ceiling fan.

Broadcast of Edward James Olmos Movie Causes Mass Return of HDTVs

A Friday night Starzzz screening of "Stand and Deliver," threw electronics giants Circuit City and Best Buy into chaos as more than 200,000 rushed to return their HDTVs for LD (Low Definition) TVs. Consumers were overheard saying, "Dear Lord, I never knew skin could look like that. His head looks like a Denver omelette," "My child refuses to come out from beneath his bed," and simply, "The horror. The horror." Even Lou Diamond Phillips chimed in, "Now you know how I feel." The FCC is expected to levy fines of over $1 million.

80% of America Wishes These Two Would Just "Do It" Already

They're always together, they bicker like an old married couple, they share the same love of kinky role playing...and nearly everyone wishes these two love birds would stop pretending this is about computers and just "do it" already. We don't know your names, but we do know brisk sexual tension when we see it. Society is ready, you sick exhibitionists! Don't "Get a Mac" - Get a room!

Chavez at UN: Venezuelan Leader Calls Bush "The Devil," "Mama Mia!" a "Heart-Filled Romp Not to be Missed"

Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez came to New York for two reasons: to call President Bush "The devil," in front of the United Nations, and to finally catch the ABBA Musical "Mama Mia!" At the UN's podium Chavez trumpeted, "President Bush is the devil." Reportedly "feeling it," he continued, "'The Devil Wears Prada?' That movie should be called, 'President Bush Wears Prada!' 'Devil Dogs' should be called, 'President Bush Dogs!' 'Dirt Devil?' 'President Bush Devil!'

Flipping a page, Chavez continued, "OK, enough about that. Show of hands - how many have you have seen 'Mama Mia?' I can't be the only one who cried when they finally get married to 'The Winner Takes it All' can I? Star-crossed lovers get me every time, as do falsetto harmonies."

Thai Coup Strands Thousands of U.S. Sex Tourists

The ousting of Thai Prime Minister Thanksin Shinawatra has thrown Thailand into political unrest, and filled the U.S. Embassy with thousands of American sex tourists seeking safe passage to Vietnam. Meanwhile, the Red Cross is urging all sex tourists to remain calm, and telling families that their relatives need not be suspected of murdering Jon-Benet Ramsey to secure safe passage. New military leader Gen. Sondhi Boonyaratkalin insists his country is still safe for the perverts of the world saying, "Thailand - come for the come, stay for the come."

Scientists Unsure Whether Gays Are Born Loving Kathy Griffin or It's Learned Behavior

It's one of the great scientific debates, like "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Who killed Vince Foster?"...are gay men born loving Kathy Griffin? Or is it a trait acquired at Enya concerts and expensive brunches? After a comprehensive 10 year study by the University of Delaware, the data remains inconclusive; although in a survey of "greatest threats to our future," subjects ranked Griffin's purported dispute with Renee Zellwegger just above, "Global Warming".

After Trouble with Muslims, Pope to Stick to Criticizing Jews

Last week Pope Benedict dipped his toe into the waters of criticizing people of Islamic faith, and found them decidedly icy (that is, except for the people setting his effigy on fire). The poor reception of his remarks has the Pope determined to stick to his wheelhouse, criticizing Jews. As an olive branch to Muslims, the Pope offered, "Hey, I was with the Hitler youth. And I hate Woody Allen movies. So believe me, I'm with ya." With these comments, several million people stopped burning tires.

Al Quaeda Seeking to Acquire Deadly Spinach

Investigators in Pakistan have uncovered a deadly plot by Al Quaeda operatives to acquire spinach infected with the E. coli virus. Reportedly, agents for the terror network have been in touch with operatives from Ralph's and Whole Foods, seeking to buy up to 1,000 bags of the deadly green pathogen. Americans are urged to be on the lookout for any suspicious-looking salads or unattended plates of Saag Paneer.

Arnold Palmer Enters Bar, Orders a "Round of Me's"

Golfing legend Arnold Palmer thrilled onlookers at a local Sarasota, Florida watering hole when he ordered several "Arnold Palmers." "A round of me's," he told the barkeep. "Actually, just keep the me's flowing until I tell you to stop." An "Arnold Palmer" is, of course, a mixture of iced tea and lemonade, blended with a golf sweater. The restaurant manager said it was the most memorable thing he's seen since a man named Harvey Wallbanger ordered a Vodka Tonic.

Janet Jackson Shows Off Editor's Airbrushing Skills in this Month's Vibe

Recently graduated from Pratt Institute, DeShawn Williams still can't believe he's working as a Photo Editor at "Vibe Magazine." But his work speaks for itself. Here is the original cover photo, without his deft retouching.

James Blunt Sets All-Time Record for Gums-to-Teeth Ratio

CONGRATULATIONS JAMES! "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!"

Suri Cruise, Shiloh Pitt-Jolie Named "Top BILFs" by "Us Magazine"

"US Magazine" has come out with their annual list of "Top BILFs," and no surprise, Suri Cruise and Shiloh-Pitt Jolie are on the cover. US editor Janice Min writes, "When you think of Babies I'd Like to F, two names really leap out at you, and those are Suri and Shiloh. Violet Affleck wasn't even on our radar." Reaction has been swift, as a livid Mariska Hargitay fired her baby's publicist.

Ford Axes 10,000 Employees, Announces "Quality Now Job #2"

In a massive corporate restructuring, Ford is closing two U.S. plants, firing 10,000 white-collar employees, and making quality job number two. Ford's bottom line has been hit hard in recent months as Americans are buying more fuel-efficient vehicles, and fewer ugly cars that break down constantly. Additionally, market research shows the only people driving Fords are people who won them on game shows. The company's new plan for profitability involves installing slot machines where the GPS used to be.

Anna Nicole Birth/Death Situation Creates "Perfect Storm" for Greeting Card Companies

The simultaneous birth/passing of Anna Nicole's children has left greeting card companies running for cover. A Hallmark designer remarked, "We're totally at a loss here. I usually start by asking myself, 'WWMD?' or 'What would a monkey do?' Clearly a 'funny ape' won't cut it in this situation. Also, 'congratulations but sorry' seems crass, but if you put the 'sorry' first, it really takes the wind out of the 'congratulations.' Maybe the thing to do is stuff a card from our bereavement line and our birth line into the same envelope?"
Meanwhile, Shoebox greeting recommends something involving a tired-looking hound dog.

"Survivor" Plan to Divide by Race Fails as Asians Build Airplane and Escape

It didn't even last an episode. "Survivor's" controversial plan to divide contestants by race failed spectactularly as within an hour the Asian team built an internal combustion engine, and by nightfall, they escaped Cook Island on a home-made airplane. "Not much of a mystery going in, but man did they solve it quickly," said host Jeff Probst. They even found time to write Probst a touching thank-you note in meticulous penmanship.
Meanwhile, the White, Black, and Latino teams spent the day hurling stones at one another.

Wildfires Sweeping Across Western U.S. Like...uh...Themselves

Montana, Wyoming, and other states you rarely think about are in an uproar today as wildfires are rapidly spreading across them similar to the way wildfires rapidly spread across other things. Montana's Chief Fire Marshall says the rate of immolation can only be compared to itself. He also mentioned that due to the extreme heat, demand for hotcakes has dropped off, and they're now selling at the rate of avocados.

Kevin Federline Announces, "Britney Just Gave Burf!"

Britney Spears had her second child yesterday, as husband Kevin Federline alerted the media that she gave "burf" to a "shorty." Britney had the baby at Cedar Sinai hospital, and not, as widely suspected, on the restroom floor of a Texaco. The baby will be relocated to a different part of the hospital as soon as Britney drops it on its head.

Baghdad Suicide Balmer Kills Self, Moisturizes Twenty

Early this morning, an explosion ripped through a Baghdad public market. Authorities feared the worst, but were relieved to discover the blast had come from Iraq's first suicide balmer, who had immolated himself to disperse Oil of Olay to a crowd. "I've never felt so terrified, or so soft," one woman told reporters. Meanwhile, Secretary of State Rumsfeld claims the attack is evidence we are winning the War on Terror, and the War on Dry Skin.
A spokesman for Al Quaeda said, "Stupid homynms."

More 9/11: Fishbone Bemoans Loss of Royalties from "Party at Ground Zero"

It's 1985, and ska outfit Fishbone finally has a hit with "Party at Ground Zero." The song becomes a party anthem, and both life and royalties are good...until September 11, 2001, when suddenly the phrase "Ground Zero" no longer gets people to hit the dance floor. Fishbone's lead singer, Angelo Moore, recently vented his frustration. "Did they have to call it 'Ground Zero?' Couldn't it be 'The Pit?' or 'The Hole?' Or how about 'The Wreckage?' Man, that cost me over a mil."
"Tell me about it," said Robert Plant, who wrote the music and lyrics to Led Zeppelin's "When the Levee Breaks."

No Ceremony Planned to Mark Fifth Anniversary of 9/12

Note to our readers: the government has no ceremonies / services/ holidays planned to mark the anniversary of 9/12, so this will likely not be an acceptable reason to miss work...even though in 1963 this day marked the last episode of "Leave it to Beaver."

Peyton Manning Wins Battle of Moon-Faced, Dunce-Like Siblings

The scoreboard read "Colts 26, Giants 21" when the two pale, gangly brothers who both look as though they have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome embraced at midfield. The so-called "Battle of the Mannings" was over, and elder jug-eared mongoloid Peyton had prevailed. It was the first time the two mouth-breathers have ever played each other.

On 9/11 Anniversary, New Yorkers Recall Briefly Not Hating Each Other

As New Yorkers reflect on the anniversary of 9/11, they recall one sentiment in common - a brief, fleeting moment where they didn't want to kill each other. From the Bronx to Brooklyn to Manhattan, and even Queens, thousands report in the week or two after the attack, they bared no malice toward the kid taking two seats on the subway, the dickhead who didn't shut off his car alarm, or the lady in the building who lets her cats piss in the hall. Today is the day to remember that, as you sit in the office, watching your co-worker shave at his desk.

Vice President Cheney Reveals Undisclosed Location: "It Was a Richmond, Virginia Chi-Chi's"

After years of speculation, Vice President Cheney finally revealed where he spent those fateful hours after the attacks - a Chi-Chi's Restaurant just outside of Richmond, Virginia. "I couldn't go to a military base, because everyone was expecting that, too obvious" Cheney wrote on his MySpace page. "For years, whenever I had a lot on my mind, Chi-Chi's was a place where I could just relax and be me. Fortunately, because of several stents in my heart, I was able to digest enchildas verde and fried ice cream with little discomfort. Oh - and Hurricane Katrina? I was at Stuckeys."

Bush Lays Wreath at Ground Zero, Vows More Revenge on Those Not Responsible

Nearly five years after his famous bullhorn speech at Ground Zero, President Bush returned to lay a wreath, and declare his resolve to exact revenge on more people who weren't responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center. "Those who didn't do this must pay," the President told onlookers. "Iraq was just the beginning. Iran, North Korea, even Finland is being put on notice." While laying the wreath, the President also found a penny on the ground but judiciously decided to leave it.

Muhammed Atta Remembered As Complete Piece of Shit

What a dick.

Jim Fowler Promoted to #1 on "Stingray Most Wanted List"

Mere days after felling noted douche Steve Irwin, stingrays have announced a million dollar reward for the capture, dead or alive, of so-called "Animal Expert" Jim Fowler. Fowler is wanted by stingrays for taunting, cajoling, and otherwise prodding the animals to the delight of television audiences.

Polygamist Done In by 47 Sets of China, 85 Toasters

If police had pulled over polygamist leader Warren Jeffs on a routine traffic stop a year ago, he would have gotten away. But thanks to a new computer system that cross-references police records with Bloomingdale's wedding registries, they knew they had their man. Trooper Eddie Dutchover found that Jeffs was registered for an astounding 47 sets of China, 85 toasters, and 118 Cuisinarts. Additionally, a trunk full of wedding rings sealed Jeffs' fate. As Jeffs was led away in cuffs, he told Dutchover, "My wives are going to kill me when they hear about this. They think I'm playing softball."
Jeffs believes police were tipped off by someone in his inner circle who's grown tired of buying gifts, which narrows it down to about 3,000 people.

Andre Agassi Celebrates Dramatic Victory Over Some Guy You've Never Heard Of

Andre Agassi lives to play another day, after a dramatic four-hour five-set victory over some guy who looks as though he's from Spain or a Mediterranean nation. As always, gracious in victory, Agassi told reporters, "I have to hand it to...uh...the guy...great match." If anyone can identify the man above, please notify tennis officials at Flushing Meadows, who would like to add his name to the log books.