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Witherspoon, Phillippe Split; Madonna Gets Custody of Children

Pointy-chinned duo Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Philippe announced they are officially split. The couple, who for years had been having sex through their publicist, have asked for privacy for the sake of their children. Though we have no intention of doing so, we applaud the sentiment behind the request. Custody of the children will go to Madonna, who is on a toddler-shopping spree, hoping to beat the holiday rush. Witherspoon is best known for her Oscar winning performance as June Carter Cash in "Walk the Line." Phillippe is said to enjoy hamburgers.

Larry the Cable Guy Announces, "She's Done!! She's Finally Done!"

Larry the Cable Guy thrilled fans and foes today when he announced there's no longer a need to "get her done" because she's finally finished! As to what "her" signifies, we can only speculate. Sources close to Larry believe it could be a reference to cutting the sleeves off of all his flannel shirts.

British Government Hires Al Gore to Help Fight Global Warming in Pompous Way

The British Government has hired Al Gore as part of a plan to combat climate change using a combination of PowerPoint and pretension. Both Tories and whatever that other party is agree that Gore's unique mix of fake humility, intellectual superiority, and a put-on accent will appeal to British people, who all see themselves as much smarter than they actually are. Gore (pictured above making out with Hillary Clinton) said the first step in helping out will be to create some fancy transitions in between PowerPoint slides using a "whoosh" sound effect.

Newspaper Circulation Tumbles as Most Puppies Now Crap on Computers

Newspaper sales are in a freefall, and not because fewer people are reading. Turns out only 18% of purchasers actually read the newspaper. The majority were using it to line bird cages and puppy boxes. Unfortunately, in the new information age, most puppies are now crapping on discarded laptop computers. Statistics show if it wasn't for people crafting pirate hats, sales would tumble into the single digits.

Former Domino Spokesthing "Bad Andy" Dead of AIDS

Today, millions of puppets are mourning the loss of "Bad Andy" - a loveable, rat-like funster best known for his work with Domino's Pizza. Two years ago he was on top of the world...ubiquitous, making millions, riding in limousines, and puking on everything that was or wasn't nailed down. But his extravagent lifestyle was his downfall. He is believed to have contracted AIDS via simultaneously shooting up heroin while having a blood transfusion. In his final days he placed a desperate call to Little Caesar's, begging for a delivery job. He was denied. Bad Andy, Good Luck.

"Twenty Good Years" Had Three Good Weeks

The show has been cancelled by NBC. Apparently the American public is not enamored with brio, elan, and joie de vivre.

Africa Now World's Number One Producer of Celebrity Babies

In a shocking turn of events, Africa recently surpassed Hollywood, CA as the world's top producer of celebrity babies. More and more celebrities are outsourcing baby production to the contient, and with demand rapidly exceeding supply, there are now three celebrity buyers for each African baby produced. Unless production can be increasesed - which seems unlikely - even A-minus celebrities like Kate Beckinsale will soon be unable to attain babies except through the White market (undesirable) or naturally (gross). Babies are currently Africa's fourth largest export behind diamonds, oil, and misery.

Last Ford Taurus Rolls Off Assembly Line, Breaks

The final Ford Taurus rolled off a production line in Greenville, Tennessee yesterday and was immediately rushed to a local auto shop with an electrical problem. The Taurus had been the hottest seller for Ford through most of the '90s, but in recent years declined in popularity as more Americans gravitated toward cars that weren't uncomfortable, bland, and poorly manufactured. The Taurus was the first car to come with a pre-stained interior so you wouldn't feel bad when your nine year old puked in it.
Some more interesting facts about the Ford Taurus:
*Taurus is the only Ford car not built "Ford Tough"
*Comes in two colors "Eh" and "Bleh"
*92% of DUIs involve a Taurus
*The original Taurus slogan was "Finally, a sedan that's as boring as a wagon"

Bush OKs Fence for Mexican Border, Still Unsure About Giant "D" Right Next to It

President Bush signed a bill approving a new seven hundred mile fence to cover one-third of the U.S./Mexican border, but still at issue is whether or not to put a giant D adjacent to the barrier. The fence is intended to deter illegal immigration from the south, but with the simple addition of one letter, it could also spur local football and basketball teams to new levels of defensive intensity. A fringe group of storm watchers lobbied to put an "SQ" next to the "wall" to create "SQuall" but this was roundly dismissed as "too abstract" and "stupid." The project will cost $2.2 billion which the President called, "a small price to pay to make immigrants crawl under something."

Guy From "7 Days in a Sentra" Ad Campaign Just Begging to Get His Ass Kicked

Hey everyone!! Marc Horowitz is living SEVEN days in his Nissan Sentra! Yeah, THE Marc Horowitz! And he's making a short film about!! Who DOESN'T want to see a short film about some smug, assface prick living 7 days in his Nissan Sentra?? I mean, anyone could live 7 days in a Corolla or a Volvo S40, but a Sentra!!!?? Can you just imagine??
That's right Nissan challenged Marc and Marc lived up to the challenge! Oh, the bragadoccio! The intrigue! The sublime human drama that has all of America talking**.
You learn exciting things like that he keeps his CDs above the visor. I mean, you'd think an acclaimed short film director like THE Marc Horowitz would have an iPod, but no! Later on he's going to shower by pouring an ENTIRE bottle of water on his head!
Fortunately Toyota issued me a challenge: they gave me a week to track down Marc Horowitz with my Yaris, then put a blow-dart in the back of his neck. And forget short films, I'm making a feature-length film out of it called "SHIFT 3.0"


**about what a dickhead this Marc Horowitz appears to be

Rush Says Fox "Faking" Parkinson's; Fox Says Limbaugh Faking Deafness, Impotence, Oxycontin Addiction

After Michael J. Fox recorded a series of emotional ads in favor of a stem-cell research measure, America's sweetheart Rush Limbaugh accused Fox of faking his Parkinson's symptoms. Before you could take off your shirt and shriek, "Catfight!" Fox fired back that Limbaugh is faking the symptoms of deafness, impotence, and prescription drug addiction. Limbaugh staunchly maintains that he is in fact a deaf, impotent, meth-head. More as this develops.

Finally a Plan! Bush to Withdraw Troops from Iraq Two Weeks After Armageddon

In what opponents are calling "pre-election politics," President Bush set a concrete deadline for U.S. troops to withdraw from Iraq, two weeks after Armageddon. "Our troops will come home after 'The End of Days', and that's a promise," the President told a third-grade class he's visiting. Individual battalions in Baghdad have been instructed to keep their eyes peeled for "a beast with 7 heads and ten horns rising from the sea," "a dragon with 9 heads wearing a crown," or "a winged chariot being driven by a giant yellow grapefruit wearing a tuxedo t-shirt."

Cellphone Use Harms Sperm, Especially for Women

In a comprehensive study of heavily masturbating cell phone users, those who use a phone four hours a day or more had by far the lowest sperm counts. The effect was particularly pronounced on women, all of whom registered counts of zero or less. All of the women were kept in a room for 14 hours or longer and urged to produce sperm, to no avail. It is not known how or why the women registered so low, but the results are indeed sobering. Doctors urge all mobile phone users to consider switching to rotary phones with much longer cords.

Future Comparisons to Albert Pujols Already Embarrassing

You would think any baseball player would relish being compared to one of the best in the game. And yet most are insulted when told, "You're a great hitter - we want to call you 'Tiny Pujols'."
Or, "I can't look at you and not think about young Pujols."
Or, "I've seen a lot of Pujols, and that's what you're like."
Or, "The more I see you, the more I'm reminded of Pujols."
Or, "You look exactly like Pujols."
Or, "The way you squat in the box shows me you've spent a lot of time studying Pujols."
BTW, "Pujols" is pronounced "Poo-holes."

Iraqi Parliament Considers Making Murder Illegal

In the wake of several hundred recent killings, Iraq's Parliament has finally begun debate on a controversial bill that would outlaw murder. According to Iraqi President Jalal Talabani, "Murder is a privilege, not a right. It is to be used only as a second or third resort, not a first. Perhaps if we make the activity illegal, like drinking, it will slow down somewhat." The country currently has a per capita murder rate of one.

Quaker Oats Guy to Release Sex Tape

In the latest example of yet another celebrity trying to cash in on their fleeting fame, the Quaker Oats Guy is releasing a sex tape. His website boasts, "See the Quaker Oats Guy as you've never seen him before. Yes, he actually has legs! Yes, he'll be taking off his hat! No, that ain't a wig! For just $9.95, you'll see 100% whole-grain man!"
The QOG will reportedly be the first celebrity to appear in a sex tape by himself.

Kenny Rogers' Wife Tells Him, "Don't Touch Me With that Filthy Hand"

The scrutiny over the "mystery substance" on Detroit Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers' hand didn't end at the ballpark last night. Hoping to receive at least a hug from his wife, Kenny walked through the door only to be scolded, "Get that filthy hand away from me!"
"But honey, it's just dirt. Dirt and a little bit of resin which is perfectly legal and..."
"I don't care what it is, Kenny, I don't want it on me."
Rogers reportedly fell asleep on the living room sofa.

Terror Threat at NFL Games "Not Credible" but Threat of Someone Peeing on Your Leg "Very Real"

NFL fans can rest easier as the FBI deemed an Internet "dirty bomb" threat against stadiums this weekend "a hoax." However, the FBI emphasized that the threat of having your leg peed on remains, "Frighteningly real." Six cities were identified as particularly high-risk sandal-free zones: Green Bay, Buffalo, Cleveland, Jacksonville, Houston, and Chicago. Chicago in particular is extremely vulnerable to pee hitting you and instantly freezing, creating a "peecicle." Those attending games are urged to stay vigilant, and wear fly-fishing pants with galoshes.

Ryan Phillippe Ruins Reputation with Good Movie

In the last ten years, few actors have been as reliable as Ryan Phillippe. With films like "Cruel Intentions" and "Company Man" he earned a well-deserved reputation for starring in unintentional comedies. Yet now, with his turn in the quality pic, "Flags of Our Fathers" he endangers his career as the go-to guy for surefire stinkers. Phillippe's agent and manager are reportedly livid he took the role and have advised him to seek low quality fare as soon as possible to wipe "Flags" from the public's mind.

World Health Organization Says More than 300 Million Are Obese, but Have Great Personalities

While obesity has reached epic proportions worldwide, there is a silver lining: so many of these people have great personalities. According to the WHO, they are truly special individuals, if you can get past their sagging rumps, distended stomachs, and thunder thighs. In fact, rather than referring to an "Obesity epidemic" the WHO calls it, "A niceness crisis."

On Heels of "McDreamy" and "McSteamy," "Grey's Anatomy" Introduces Unpopular New Doctor, "McGreevey"

Who's the new doctor at Seattle Grace making all the women swoon? McDreamy? No. McSteamy? Try again. McGreevey? Bingo, sister!
The ex-New Jersey governor famous for coming out of the closet and announcing an affair with a man who completely denies it is now guest-starring on television's most popular show as a "nephrologist who can't just stick to nephrology," much to the chagrin of fans who were hoping for some Asian man-meat.
Another twist: producers say they will soon reveal the secret to the show's biggest mystery: How Seattle's best hospital has no Jewish doctors.

New Bill Allows Detainee Torture But Only as First Resort

President Bush signed a bill into law effective immediately that legitimizes the interrogation and torture of suspects, but only as a first resort. The President told reporters, "This bill will make it much easier to extract information from serial loiterers, parking scofflaws, jaywalkers, and scratchitti artists, any of who could be terrorists. It lets terrorists know we are serious in fighting them where they are, and also where they aren't." In a stunning bipartisan compromise, the legislation allows electroshocks, mock drownings, and kidney punches, but specifically bans titty twisters, Dutch rubs, and Indian sunburns.

Dow Flirts With 12,000 Then Leaves 12,000 Holding Its Dick in Its Hand

Earlier today, the stock market briefly hit a record high as the Dow Jones tickled the balls of 12,000 points - but just as quickly the Dow announced it had to go home to feed its cat, leaving 12,000 standing there with its pants down. Analysts say the market's movement is typical of a process known as "Tantric Finance," whereby stocks tart themselves up like a two-bit strumpet, lead a number on with an arousing pas-de-deux, then quickly vanish, making the number want it all the more.

Ticketmaster Marketing Based on Sarcasm or Reverse Psychology?

Ticketmaster has decided to really mess with its customers' heads, sending out mass emails like the mysterious screed above. "Don't Miss Gordon Lightfoot?" Is this a joke? Was this email originally sent in 1976, and since lost in the vast reaches of the Canadian Wide Web (CWW)? Or, does Ticketmaster sincerely want us to not miss Gordon Lightfoot, and if so, why? If we miss Gordon Lightfoot, will someone be hurt?
And how about a "please" once in awhile, instead of just commanding me?

Briscoe High Football Vastly Underachieving

Briscoe High School, entered this season with lofty expectations and why not? Their starting lineup somehow featured NFL talent including Michael Vick, LaDanian Tomlinson, Troy Polamalu, and Brian Urlacher. Yet somehow this week, they found themselves down at the end of the game, and had to resort to a Hail Mary to an unheralded freshman named Ryan. Maybe the game has passed Coach George Seifert by. Here's an idea coach - run Tomlinson. Every down. Let Vick run. Do not let Vick pass, he's not good at it.

Wesley Snipes Owes $12M in Back Taxes; IRS Says, "How About You Don't Kill US and We Call It Even?"

Wesley Snipes was briefly indicted for failure to pay back taxes this morning, then unindicted as the government realized just who it was fucking with. When presented with the indictment, Snipes told the IRS agent, "I'm not human." When asked to clarify, Snipes replied, "Humans don't drink blood," whereupon the agent realized maybe he should call this one "even steven." As the agent fled, Snipes yelled after him, "You better wake up. The world you live in is just a sugar-coated topping! There is another world beneath it - the real world. And if you want to survive it, you better learn to pull the trigger!"
Snipes' publicist also issued the following statement: "Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice-skate uphill."

Even CBS Has No Idea Why You Should Watch Tonight's Episode of "The Class"

From the CBS website showbuzz.com:

Overheard in the CBS publicity conference room:
"How should we sell tonight's episode of 'The Class?'"
"Let's make people wonder if Ethan will try some frozen yogurt!"
"Do we dare? It's so controversial."
"Oh, the sublime iconoclasm of it all! It's edgy, and frozen yogurt is very current!"
"It's like Chekov said, 'If there's frozen yogurt in Act One, it must be eaten in Act Two.'"
"Does he actually try the frozen yogurt?"
"We can't reveal that - but if there's one thing I know from years of marketing it's that people want to know if other people are going to try frozen yogurt."
"What flavors?"
"We'll leave that a mystery too."

CBGB Closes, End of a Punk Institution Whose T-shirts Were Favored By Suburban Moms

Tears and smiles comingled last night at the closing of CBGB, a club most famous for outfitting "hip" suburban moms. A CBGB t-shirt and son named Dylan are keystones for spotting "True Punk Moms" whose conterculture roots are belied by their BMW X5 luxury vehicles. Fittingly, the club will be replaced by a "Pottery Barn Kids." OMFUG, indeed.

Duke Rape Case Leaves Investigators Wondering, "Who Still Plays Lacrosse?"

A year after the Duke rape case first emerged, investigators are still bothered by one question: In this day and age, who still plays lacrosse? The sport requires the padding of football without the excitement, the ball is too small to see, and no one even knows the rules. So what makes people who play it think they're entitled to a party with strippers? Isn't there another sport for these athletes, maybe cricket or water polo??

House Shocker! Republican Rep Busted for Something Other than Gay Child Molesting

Washington insiders were stunned earlier today when Rep. Bob Ney (R-OH) pleaded guilty to taking bribes for votes, a crime which in no way involved gay sex with underage Capitol Hill pages. Republican Party chair Ken Mehlman touted the plea as a victory. "Once again, we're connecting with our base - people who skirt rules and regulations for material gain and not sexual pleasure. Although, there is room enough in our 'big tent' for both gluttons and perverts." Ney faces up to 10 years at Pinecrest Ridge Penitentiary, the only prison in the country with a $50,000 buy-in and clubhouse.

1-800-EAT-SHIT Declares Bankruptcy

After more than 20 years in business, 1-800-EAT-SHIT announced they will be closing their doors next week, due to "business conditions." The corporate website contains a brief message blaming, "lack of revenue stream from a toll-free number, rising pension costs for EAT-SHIT operators, and competition from 1-900-EAT-SHIT and ICQ: EAT SHIT." The service began as a way for people to vent about other people's driving, but in recent years expanded to also field complaints about cooking. 1-800-EAT-SHIT says customers or media with questions can dial 1-800-FUCK-OFF.

New York Yankees Pitcher Cory Lidle Flies Plane into Building, Red Sox Fans React

Live reaction to CNN report at the Cask and Flagon Pub.

News spread to Harvard Square.

Youngster photographed after his teacher explained what happened.

Derek Jeter Blames A-Rod

As details of the crash became clear, investigators were quick to assign blame. And so was New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter, who blames teammate Alex Rodriguez. Jeter told the FBI, "After Alex went 1 for 14 against Detroit, we were all depressed and distracted. I'm sure it's hard to keep track of latitude, longitude, altimeters, and all those other instruments when the voice in your head keeps going, 'HOW CAN A GUY WITH A $250 MILLION CONTRACT KEEP FUCKING US, OVER AND OVER!!!!'" Although the FBI believes A-Rod wasn't involved, they are treating the tip seriously.

Lidle Reportedly had Shampoo On Board

While many details of the crash remain unclear, there are unconfirmed reports that Cory Lidle had smuggled a travel-size shampoo and a tin of American Crew "Fiber Pliable Molding Creme" on board the plane, and not inside an FAA-regulated Ziplock baggy. More as this develops...

President Bush Says, "No Plans to Attack North Korea" but Open to Attacking Without a Plan

Earlier today, President Bush indicated he has no plans to attack North Korea, but noted he's still open to attacking without a plan. It's a strategy that the President developed after reading Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink," called"Improv Diplomacy." First tested in Iraq, the goal of Improv Diplomacy is to send hundreds of thousands of weekend troops into a battle zone without proper gear or body armor. Then, alienate locals, allow spats of lawlessness, ignore commanders on the ground, and give a victory speech before combat has begun.

"Man of the Year" Depicts Unrealistic Scenario in Which People Find Robin Williams Entertaining

This weekend's most controversial film release is sure to be, "Man of the Year," a highly fictionalized account of people enjoying the comedy of Robin Williams. The movie paints a terrifying vision of a dystopia in which "quips" such as, "I'm not against same sex marriage. My wife and I have the same sex every night!" are viewed as highly pithy. Coincidentally, Williams' character is elected President of the United States, and continues to perform stale comedy bits at the highest level of government.

Fresh of the success of "American Dreamzzzzz," America is clamoring for more movies in which someone playing the President has his own TV show. Can you imagine???? Goodness! The movie is already receiving raves from the editors of "Ass Hat Magazine."

T.O. Diagnosed with Clubhouse Cancer

Mere days after a failed non-suicide attempt, more bad news for Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens: Doctors have diagnosed him with stage three clubhouse cancer. Clubhouse cancer is fatal in nearly 100% of cases, often beginning with mild irritability, spreading to teammates, and finally ending with a trade to the Detroit Lions. Cowboys' Kicker Mike Vanderjagt is also showing symptoms, as is receiver Terry Glenn. Coach Bill Parcells is considering all options, including clubhouse chemo.

(Thanks to N.A.G. reader Alec Sulkin)

J. Crew Ensures Bankruptcy with Attempt to Bring Back Vests

Wall Street analysts are begging investors to withdraw all funds from J. Crew after the company unveiled its latest fall line-up, prominently featuring vests. Barely pulled off by Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall," the vest remains the singular, defining garment of "women who think they're quirkier than they really are" and "guys whose next and final unsuccessful step in attempting to get laid will be to wear a pocket watch." It's a look that asks, "Is it Fall? Winter? Spring? Either way, I want to look like Hercule Poirot."

North Korea Successfully Tests Nukes, Unsuccessfully Tests Solution for "Cabbage Stink"

North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il was beaming with pride after a successful underground test of an 18 megaton nuclear warhead (equivalent to approximately 20 million Dutch Ovens). But his Snuffleupagus remains a solution for the pervasive "cabbage stink," that trails him wherever he goes. Yes, it seems Dear Leader's predilection for Kim Chee has left him stinking like a sweaty taint. In recent years, Jong-Il has tried drowning the odor with Axe Bodywash, wearing a shirt made of fresh cabbage, and simply lying and blaming his driver all to no avail.

Ten Years After Publication, Keyshawn Johnson's "Just Give Me the Damn Ball" Remains Harrowing Portrait of Man Who Wants Ball

He wants the ball. He does not have the ball. How does he plan to get the ball? By having you give it to him. Do you even have the ball? He doesn't care. Will he pay you for the ball? Again, no, he wants you to give it to him. Why does he want the ball? Who knows. What will he do once he gets the ball? He's not saying. What will happen if he doesn't get the ball? This too remains a mystery. Which ball does he want? The DAMN one. Does he want anything else? As far as we know, just the ball. Sorry, make that the DAMN ball.

How is it "The Unauthorized Story" if the subject wrote it? Maybe he'll tell you. After he gets what he came for. Which is the ball.

Vegetables Finally Turn on Humans

They're green, leafy, and packed with nutrients. They're also mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore. These E. Coli incidents are no accident. It's a concerted attempt by vegetables to fight back after years of being relegated to salads, or worse, abused as garnish. It's only the beginning. Soon beets will make you blind. Zucchini will eviscerate your kidneys. Eggplant will dilate your rectum as tofu makes your lungs collapse. There will be no truce, and no treaties. Your best hope is to stick to a diet of "100 Grand" Bars.

A-Rod Still Can't Believe He Got That One Hit

On Saturday, The New York Yankees lost their playoff series to the Detroit Tigers, and Alex Rodriguez batted just 1-for-14. But according to A-Rod, that one was pretty sweet. "I made good contact on that single," A-Rod told teammate Chien-Ming Wang who either doesn't understand English, or was faking it so he wouldn't have to respond. "And I almost got a walk that other time. It was three balls, and if I could have gotten one more ball, I would have been on first, which is the same as getting a single. So you can credit me with another single right there. How come no one writes an article about my one hit, and my almost maybe getting a walk?"

Tony Roma's Ribs Offers "All-You-Can't-Eat" Ramadan Promotion

Nothing puts devout Muslims quite out of the holiday spirit like ribs, especially if that holiday is Ramadan. To that end, apparently, rib chain Tony Roma's is offering huge "all-you-can't-eat" specials this month including: baby back ribs, pulled pork, surf-n-turf, St. Louis Ribs, and beer-battered red-hot buffalo wings. Also, alcoholic drinks half price. Tony Roma's! Both Jews and Muslims agree, not much we can eat there!

Drudge Report Completely Abuses Siren

It used to be the Drudge Report's so-called "Drudge Siren" signified world-changing news, such as election results or a terrorist attack. But perhaps Drudge is becoming a victim of his own self-importance. Witness this from earlier today:

As the Master himself would say, "DEVELOPING..."

Google Poised to Buy YouTube for $1.6B; Video of You Farting on a Cat Potentially Worth $900,000

In a move that has corporate analysts asking their nephews, "What the hell is YouTube?" Google has offered $1.6B to purchase the Internet clip site. It's not just YouTube executives who stand to benefit. Google is also creating a $1B slush fund to pay outrageous amounts for any of the following video footage: "Little Superstar" dancing, a guy farting on a cat, LonelyGirl in a bra, highlights from Fox's "The War at Home," a fat kid screaming while on an amusement park ride, and an Asian kid playing the "Mario Brothers" theme music on two guitars.

Hastert Remains Defiant on Foley: "All I Had Was Rock-Solid Evidence"

House Speaker Dennis Hastert continues to defend his handling of the Rep. Foley situation, insisting he could not take action sooner because all he had was, "Irrefutable evidence." Hastert told reporters, "The only things I saw were printouts of sexual IM chats and sworn testimony of eyewitnesses. Other than that, there was nothing actionable, except for the time I saw Rep. Foley hit on a 16 year-old page in a House elevator. Oh, I did literally see a smoking gun at one point, but I think that was used to murder someone legally." Hastert insists the brouhaha is the creation of a group of partisan Democrats and Republicans who don't see children as sexual objects.

Intern's Casual Remark Undercuts Most Fundamental Tenet of L'Eggs Marketing Campaign

For as long as anyone can remember, pantyhose giant L'eggs has issued the seemingly indisputable proclamation, "Nothing beats a great pair of L'eggs." Yesterday, the walls of that seemingly impregnable fortress came tumbling down during a marketing powwow when new intern Rick Armstrong casually piped up, "I'll tell you one thing that beats a great pair of L'eggs - a great pair of T'itts. Also a great A'ass. And for some perverts, a set of F'eet." Rather than jettison 50 years of sloganeering, L'eggs is hoping to switch to, "Only two things beat a great pair of L'eggs, neither of which we can mention on this package. A third thing may beat L'eggs, but only if you have a fetish."

Constantine Maroulis: Forgotten, but Not Gone

As evidenced by this profile in the hippie rag "Village Voice," for the Constantine Maroulis we knew but did not love, out of mind does not equal out of sight. He remains the same as ever: sassy, smoldering, a defiant smirk just above his butt-chin. He has that certain "It" that breeds confidence you were correct in not buying his album.

Celebrity Stingray Fatalities Down 100% From Last Month

In a rare victory for embattled public health officials, no famous people have been felled by stingray since the death of "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin. The NIH credits a new awareness campaign centered around the theme, "Don't Play with the Ray." The campaign's core message is that just because you're a celebrity doesn't mean you can poke at a stingray without it quickly turning and inserting its tail through your heart. The NIH also cautions we not let success lead to overconfidence, pointing out that just yesterday Yasmine Bleeth was harassed by a grouper.

Who Should Meredith Choose?? Exclusive "Grey's Anatomy" Poll Results!!!!

We asked you, "Who should Meredith choose?"

More than 228,000 of you responded, and here are the results:

In a whopping landslide, Dr. Miranda Bailey beat out Dr. Derek Sheppard and the guy who played Peter Garrett in "Vertical Limit." Note: there were 3 write-in votes that Meredith should hook up with "House, M.D."

Rep. Foley Enters Rehab, Hopes to Become a Sober Gay Pederast

Former Representative Mark Foley (R-FL) has entered rehab in an effort to get his life back in control. In a text message released through lawyers, Foley writes, "My drinking has caused pain to myself, my colleagues, and my family. I hope one day to be able to molest boys under the age of 18 without the scourge of alcohol. My problem had gotten so bad, I couldn't even remember which boys I had suggestively text-messaged, and which I had propositioned verbally. If there's any conduct that's unbefitting to a bona fide molestor, it's disorganization."

Condoleezza Rice Deflects Blame for 9/11, "I'm Just a Secretary"

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice continues to deny any responsibility for the events of 9/11, insisting, "I'm just a Secretary. It's my job title. Do I have all the defense plans filed away in color-coded photos? Yes. Do I answer the phone with a pleasant, friendly demeanor? Yes. Is my desk neat? You bet it is. So I'm doing my job."
When it was pointed out to her that at the time of the attacks she was actually head of the NSA, Rice snapped, "Huh? Prove it."

MLB Commissioner Demands Royals Start Using Steroids

Beginning 2007, the Kansas City Royals will have a special dispensation from Baseball's Commissioner to use steroids, Human Growth Hormone, Paxil - basically "anything it takes to be competitive, even radical steps like signing good players." Bud Selig told associates he wants the team to return to competitiveness by "any means necessary," even if it means, "surgically implanting Jimmy Gobble into Johann Santana's body." The front office has informed scouts the club is shifting its focus from "fundamentals," to "progress through science."

This Yom Kippur More Than 80,000 Dentists Repent for Bacon-Related Sins

Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the year for Jews. We reflect on where we are, atone for our wrongs, and contemplate our place in the world. This year was no exception, where in the U.S. more than 80,000 dentists reported to Temple to repent for their bacon-related sins. Statistics show over 74% of dentists sneak a slice of bacon during the year, despite the wide availability of turkey bacon, chicken sausage, and smoked fish. Also, the day before Yom Kippur is widely marked by gorging on bacon, knowing that one can repent the next day.