President Bush: Al Maliki's Incompetence Makes Him "Right Guy for Iraq"

On the heels of a confidential leaked memo that Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki possesses neither the the allies, vision, or abilities to end sectarian fighting, President Bush confirmed these exact doubts make him the perfect leader to "stay the course" in Iraq. The President told reporters, "He [al-Maliki] combines the radical mentality of a Shiite extremist with the ignorance of someone who has only lived in Iraq for four years, then tops it off with the duplicitousness for which Middle Easterners are legendary. We'd like to keep militia attacks, IED explosions, and street riots at the same level they are now, without adding the wild variables of a respected police force and dependable electricity."
Al-Maliki responded to the President's endorsement with a hearty, "Thanks?"

Only I Can Prevent Wildfires, Which Means We're Screwed

After a rash of wildfires throughout Southern California, it has been brought to my attention that only I can prevent wildfires. But let it be known that I never asked for this responsibility. I don't live near the forest. I'm theoretically flammable. I don't even own a hose. In the event of a wildfire, there are only three friends I could potentially mobilize, and at any given time, two of them are high and watching "The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou." So a more accurate assessment is: Nobody can prevent forest fires.

Wiggles Lead Singer Quits to Spend Less Time With Your Family

In a move that shocked three year-olds all over the world, Wiggles lead singer Greg Page (above, unconvincing smile, yellow shirt) announced he's leaving the band to spend less time with your family. Page praised his bandmates, saying, "You couldn't assemble a better group of mates. But really, I can't stand your family. You know who you are - your two year-old son Dylan (Oh! How original! Dylan!) and your precious daughter Sahara (My oh my what creative parents you have to come up with the name Sahara! I bet they also own a Prius, don't they, Sahara?? And Daddy wears a Carhartt jacket, even though he works in sales, doesn't he??) Just looking at them with their stupid faux-cool clothes and their size two ugg boots was enough to drive me away from making $10 million a year. Believe me, it's worth it to not have to be around you and your stupid kids."
Page added what he'll miss most are the groupies, who were, "Totally MILF."

Dollar Hits 15-Year Low After Sleeping with Weird Al Yankovic

Economists were dismayed and concerned today as the dollar plunged to a 15-year low after a night of illicit passion with "Weird Al" Yankovic. The dollar has been on a downward trajectory all year, often showing up drunk and/or late to appearances, wrinkled, dirty, piss-covered, and smelling of wet dog food. However, this morning marked absolute rock bottom as the bill woke up nose-to-nose with Al Yankovic, who after playing an acoustic version of "Like A Surgeon" did not even offer the dollar breakfast.
The dollar's all-time low occured in 1938 during the Great Depression when it became addicted to opium while being the boytoy of Mickey Rooney.

Pam Anderson / Kid Rock Divorce on the Rocks

Everyone thought it would last forever, but after just three days, there are rumors that Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are having trouble staying divorced. "When we broke our vows, I had no idea how hard it would be to committ to it," Anderson reportedly told friends. "When two people both love Jagermeister this much, you realize you can't just do the selfish thing...Kid and I will always be apart, even if we're together."
Meanwhile, Kid Rock plans to take his anguish and translate it into abrasive, atonal rap-metal.

As Iraq Spirals Toward Chaos, Miller Lite Declares Martial Man-Law

With more than 500 civilian casualties in the last week, and widespread fires and riots threatening to burst into civil war, the Iraqi Branch of the Miller Lite brewery has declared martial man-law. On penalty of death, the following rules will be strictly enforced:

• A man shall never knowingly order a drink that comes in a hollowed coconut shell


• There is no such thing as a female friend.


• No animals in the bed. Only animal noises.


• It is unacceptable for a man to tear up while watching a movie.


• No man shall every purchase or use a scented candle.

Comedian (?) Eddie Griffin and that weird rodeo guy that Jewel dates but refuses to marry are headed to Iraq to help write a "Man Constitution."

Blaine Hair School Once Again Ranks Dead Last in BCS Coaches' Poll

For the 32nd straight year, Boston-based Blaine Hair School finished at the bottom of the BCS' coaches poll, a national survey of coaches that ranks football prowess. The Blaine Manes finished the year 0-12, never getting past their opponents' six yard line. However, big-time college football fans were stunned at the remarkable quality of the team's cuticles, their meticulously cultivated brows, and their subtle use of rouge. Blaine routinely has trouble recruiting top high school seniors, since very few are interested in running day spas. However, some are tempted by the fact that Blaine cheerleaders outnumber fans 600 to zero.

New Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte is Perfect Blend of Espresso and Squash

In the mood for coffee? A gourd? Can't choose? Now you don't have to. Thanks to Starbucks' new "Pumpkin Spice Latte" you can enjoy the jolt of caffeine with the pulpy goodness of fresh pumpkin! Rich in roasted goodness, plus high in fiber and Vitamin A, the pumpkin spice latte is sure to be a hit with anyone who has ever dropped a fresh turnip into their cappuccino. Also be sure to sample the new Cucumber Americano as well as the Iced Beet Mocha.

African-Americans Completely Satisfied with Michael Richards' Explanation of What Happened

Yesterday, Michael Richards went on Jesse Jackson's radio show and explained that despite his explosive use of the N-word, he isn't racist - an explanation that sat very well with the African-American community.
Richards told the Reverend his remarks weren't premeditated and, "The way this came through me was like a freight train." To which Jackson replied, "Oh, I didn't realize it was like a freight train. In that case, it's completely fine."
Richards added that his rant was fueled by humiliation, not bigotry. Dwayne Jenkins, a 27 year-old at the Laugh Factory that night, was completely mollified saying, "Phew. I thought it was anger causing him to spew the N-word. Humiliation though, that's a completely different story."
Richards concluded the interview by saying he doesn't consider himself a racist, to which Rev. Jackson responded, "Well that's the ultimate test, then. Good enough for me."

After Blowing 21-Point Fourth Quarter Lead, Eli Manning Strongly Considering Grad School

As the clock wound down on yesterday's shocking fourth-quarter collapse, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning had just one thing on his mind: the GREs. With only eleven minutes left, New York lead the Tennessee Titans 21-0. Vince Young then lead the Titans to three touchdowns, and with under a minute left, Eli Manning threw an interception that lead to a Titans' field goal. It was at that moment, Manning says, he decided to pursue a graduate degree in communications.
"Quarterbacking isn't for everyone," said the contrite, wan choke artist. "Having dabbled in professional football for a little over two years, I think it's time I get serious about my career, and apply to some Masters programs. I need to find an industry where I have a future."
Coach Tom Coughlin remarked, "At this point, I wouldn't trust Eli to pass anything, including a test."

Russian Spy Remembered as Courageous, Radioactive

At a memorial service Monday, former KGB agent Alexander Litvenenko was remembered for many things - his courage, his sense of humor, is integrity - but friends and family agree the one thing that really stuck out at the end was his radioactivity.
In a touching eulogy, a childhood friend said, "Alex was one of the kindest people I know. He pursued corruption in Russia with the doggedness and determination of a pitbull. But when I think of Alex, the one thing that will always come to mind is what he could do to a Geiger counter. He's hold it to his kidney, and it would make high pitched noises, and we would laugh and laugh..."
Litvenenko claims he was poisoned by the Russian government, although most sane people believe he coincidentally ingested a muckraking trout that had been poisoned by the Russian government.

Michael Richards Psyched to Finally Be Known for Something Other than Kramer

As he spewed the N-word over and over again on stage Sunday night, little did Michael Richards know his dream was finally coming true: people will now remember him as something other than Kramer. For years the star has cringed every time someone has yelled "Kramer!" as he passed in the street. Now he can beam with pride as he is recognized as the racist who does pratfalls. On "Letterman" last night Richards admitted, "I can't tell you how much the words, 'You f*#&#ing bigot! Go f#&@ yourself you white supremacist f#&@!' are music to my ears." He ended the interview by getting up, banging into the door, giving his patented "crazy stare" then exited to a rousing applause.

OJ Simpson Book, Special Cancelled Due to Overabundance of Interest

OJ Simpson's upcoming book and TV special, "If I Did It" have been cancelled after an ashamed public admitted it was still interested in the murders. Fox TV chairman Rupert Murdoch explained, "The idea of having a popular, compelling show doesn't fit in with the rest of our programming such as, 'Happy Hour,' 'Til Death,' 'Trading Spouses,' and 'The War at Home' - shows which have been specifically nurtured to bore the viewer to tears. People want to see OJ, and that's exactly why we won't air it." Instead, Fox plans a special all-old "Nanny 911" marathon.

New "Virus-Themed" Cruise Ship Sets Sail

Carnival Cruise's new "Virus-Themed" cruise ship is a hit! Recently, more than 700 people set sail for a two week vomiting and diarrhea fest that began its way in Rome, and wound up in Florida. Passengers were treated to "all you can puke" breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and encouraged to frolic in bacteria-ridden hot tubs. If they could see you now! (They'd probably ask if you have health insurance).

Google Ads Assumes You're a Bald Pedophile

Google ads has its suspicions about you, and it lets you know in not-too-suble ways. "Hey," it says, "I read all your emails, and I know what a perv like you wants - hair plugs and a trip to Disney world. You bald bastard, why don't you get some fake hair then hang around kids for days on end? For what you want to do to them, you'll probably need a hotel room for three days. We know you'll need to lure the kids in, so we offer you free themed rooms and game rooms, you sick cue-ball."

U. Michigan Loss to Ohio State Tempered by Fact that Its Students Have a Future

Saturday's 42-39 loss to top-ranked Ohio State stung badly, but Michigan students consoled themselves with the fact that unlike their Ohio State counterparts, they may one day become productive members of society. Each year Ohio State graduates more than 25,000 communications majors who primarily end up communicating with Sallie Mae student loans, rehab counselors, and social services. The school's library is comprised of two "Hardy Boys" books. A survey shows 80% of graduating Ohio State seniors can't spell "O.S.U." if you spot them the "O" and the "S."

TomKat Wedding Threatened by Alien Thetans

A dark cloud has developed over the "wedding of the year" as alien thetans have bought out most of the hotel rooms in Bracciano, Italy in an attempt to disrupt the wedding of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. Reportedly, Xenu himself, ruler of the Galactic Confederacy (he received 78% of the vote in the most recent galactic election) plans to crash the ceremony during the touching climax when Cruise vows to provide Holmes with, "A pan, a comb, perhaps a cat." E-meters have been distributed, and police have been instructed to shoot psychiatrists on sight. Authorities worn locals to be on the lookout for the tell-tale suspicious signs of psychiatry, namely: wire rim glasses, "cozy" sweaters, and Honda Civics.

Joe Montanta Shines as James Bond

In his first feature film role, former NFL quarterback Joe Montana sparkles as Agent James Bond (Montana as Bond above left, and out of make-up, right) in "Casino Royale." In the action-packed thriller, Bond plays an Al Qaeda operative in a high-stakes game of gin rummy, then destroys a 2002 Saturn minivan. Bond also gets his hand up the shirt of a beautiful woman, only to be told to stop rubbing her breast so hard, it's not a freaking genie lamp.

Lopez Dispenser! Emmitt Beats Mario on "Dancing with the Stars"; John Madden on Suicide Watch

Emmitt Smith's dramatic come-from-in-front victory on "Dancing with the Stars," thrilled millions of Americans who view Stevie Wonder's "Sir Duke" as a samba, but left football broadcasting legend John Madden wondering if he should end it all. "I mean, here's a guy who every time he stepped on the field his jersey's untucked, he's staying low, he's keeping his legs moving," Madden moaned as he wept into the cavity of a turducken, "And now he's out there moving his legs all willy-nilly to a Viennese Waltz instead of avoiding tacklers. What's next? Brett Favre doing Pilates?" Madden then threw down his duck stuffed in a chicken stuffed in a turkey and blew his nose into a steak.
Mario Lopez was widely regarded as the better dancer, and his loss is attributed to America's lingering discomfort with poonhounds.

ABC's "What About Brian?" Refuses to Answer Vexing Question Posed by Show's Title

ABC's "What About Brian?" is six episodes into its second season, and we still have no idea what about Brian. Does he have phlebitis? Does he rent or own his apartment? Why does he spend over $9,000 a year on leather jackets? More specifically, the following questions linger from the most recent episode:

Does Angelo have any family? The only attendees at his funeral were his friends. Doesn’t he have a Dad? A Mom? An Aunt? Also, how did the new Black guy rate high enough to get a seat in the second row of the service. As far as I can tell, Angelo had been in Italy the whole time since NBG joined the group meaning...I doubt NBG ever even met Angelo. It takes a lot of nerve not to take a seat in the back (he is the Rosa Parks of inappropriate funeral seating placement)

As Deena is making plans to spend the night with the widowed pregnant Arquette, she says to Dave, “Why don’t I give you a ride home and we’ll switch cars in the morning.” Here’s an idea – WHY DON’T YOU EACH TAKE THE CAR YOU NEED TONIGHT, THAT WAY YOU WON’T HAVE TO SWITCH IN THE MORNING! What the hell am I missing here?

Also, is it really that abnormal a widow would hang onto her husband’s ashes? My Aunt kept my uncle for a year, then buried him. We didn’t talk about having her committed. And judging by the small quantity of ashes they dumped off the pier at the end, Angelo weighed 4 pounds.

Oh, and another thing – when they “discover” the ashes – what the hell was Dave doing in her bedroom? That is completely inappropriate. You don’t go to a funeral, then to the widow’s house, then hang out in her bedroom opening her valise or whatever the hell those big cabinets are called.

Onto Zap Monkey. Why was Dave so blown away that Brian had an idea to pitch a game? Isn’t it a game company? Don’t game companies pitch games? I don’t understand the innovation. And the obvious metaphor of “Evolution Revolution” - that they have to evolve from (Zap) Monkies to men – why don’t you just flash text on the screen that says, “SYMBOLISM ALERT”???

And why did KC Games offer Dave a job if they hated the game so much? Were they impressed by the way he flipped a book at the meeting?

Not a question, but in the scene where the pregnant Arquette yells at Brian, notice Brian’s incredibly simian underbite. OK, here's a question: What About Brian's Underbite?

New Book Details Shocking OJ Confession: "I Framed Myself"

On Nov. 27, OJ Simpson will speak out on the shocking Nicole Brown Simpson/Ron Goldman double suicide in an hour-long Fox TV special called, "If I Didn't Do It, Here's What I Wouldn't Have Done." Finally, the truth will be revealed: Simpson framed himself in the hopes of getting out of his spokesman contract with Hertz. However, after ten years, the guilt of not committing this crime was so great, Simpson could no longer live with himself if he didn't confess his innocence.

New House Minority Leader Wants Nothing to do With Minorities

Trent Lott wants to be crystal clear: the term "minority" in the phrase "House Minority Leader" does not refer to actual minorities such as African-Americans, Hispanics, gays, or Jews. It refers only to the context of the House of Representatives where White Republicans are a minority. In the same way an African-American shortstop can play for the White Sox, Mr. Lott is part of a team that happens to have the word "Minority" in their name. This semantic distinction should in no way embolden members of minority groups to make eye contact with Mr. Lott. Mr. Lott wants his constituency to know he has nothing but contempt for minorities, even if this puts him in a minority.

US Air Attempts to Buy Delta with 9 Billion Frequent Flier Points

US Air shocked Wall Street today when it attempted to purchase Delta Airlines with 9 billion of its own frequent flier miles. Delta is not sure it accepts US Air miles; they have to call someone named Marge and check. If the two companies merge, they have the potential to make the largest, shittiest airline in the country, offering more late-running flights with the capacity to bump even more passengers than American.

Kevin Federline to Release Solo Sex Tape

With a supposedly-existing Britney Spears/Kevin Federline sex tape set to fetch $60 million, K-Fed has rushed into production on a solo sex tape. Due out Thursday and produced by the eponymous "Federation Records," the tape reportedly features Federline pleasuring himself in several positions into a veritable "rainbow coalition" of socks, including an argyle. The tape will also contain never-before-seen footage of Federline ejaculating without getting someone pregnant.

While some have blasted Federline's solo work as "amateurish," saying "no one would be interested if he wasn't married to Britney," Federline insists he would have released a sex tape on his own had he never met Spears.

This year, Tom Sizemore has dominated the Billboard Celebrity sex tape charts with 28 straight weeks at number one.

Turkeys Have No Idea As to the Scale of Ass-Kicking That Awaits Them

Like the British at Lexington, the Germans at Omaha Beach, or Plessy at the Ferguson Family Reunion, turkeys remain blissfully unaware as to the apocalypse that awaits them. Turkeys have very little sense of history, and if you bring up the "Thanksgiving 2005 Massacre" most turkeys will stare at you blankly, move their neck in a quick jerky motion, then poop on your workboots. In a weekend poll, more than 90% of turkeys said their expected cause of death was "rain." Well here's a little tip, Tom - forecast calls for a Category 5 hurricane of slaughter followed by three hours of breadcrumbs in your rectum.

Movie Review: "A Good Year" is Haunting Portrayal of Man Who Keeps Falling Down in Empty Swimming Pool

This weekend America fell in love with "A Good Year" to the tune of 3.75 million smackeroos! (conversion rate: $1 = 1 smackeroo)

Find out why this sizzling motion picture quickly rose to #10 in the country, just behind the hotter-than-hot "The Prestige!"

In "A Good Year," Russell Crowe plays a British investment banker - but not just any British investment banker - in a shocking turn, this particular financial professional happens to be incredibly high-strung!

Crowe inherits a vinyard from a man who looks as though he probably has gout, and then it's off to the races in the always-exciting world of home renovation! Will Crowe find an able subcontractor? Can he get a reasonable price on crown moulding? Will a skylight open up the foyer? Will he go with Price-Pfister or Moen faucets?

During the film's shocking climax, Crowe falls down in an empty swimming pool and if you think his white linen slacks don't get soiled, my friend, you have another two other things coming!

The film is based on a book you've never heard of, and like the book it costs $10 to look at.

Shocking plot twists include: people playing tennis with wooden rackets, Diane Lane not being in this movie, and France having a province called "Provence." Wouldn't that be like one our states being called "State?" Just asking!

Like a fine wine, "A Good Year" leaves you wondering why you paid so much to feel slightly nauseous.

I won't spoil the surprise, other than to say: it sucks!

"Plan B" Pill Actually "Plan A" for Most

It's called "Plan B" but for a whopping 84% of Americans, the "morning after" pill is "Plan A." A survey of 20,000 sexually active Americans under the age of 30 also shows:

Plan B is to throw the baby in a dumpster

Plan C is to have your grandmother raise the kid

Plan D is to demand a paternity test to stall for time, then flee to the Alps

Plan E is to wear a condom

Andy Rooney Can't Decide Whether He's Angrier About Scotch Tape or Rubber Bands

With just two days left until he has to record a cuckoo five minute diatribe, Andy Rooney still can't decide which raises his ire more: scotch tape or rubber bands.
On the one hand, scotch tape: why is it called "scotch?" Is it scottish? Why don't we have American tape. And if the tape falls off those plastic teeth, then you can waste a good have hour picking it off the roll with your fingernail.
But rubber bands: they snap and hurt your skin. Where can you keep them but on doorknobs, and who has that many doorknobs? Sometimes if you put a rubber band around a stack of papers it's too loose, but if you try to double it back on itself, you can't make a second circle.
Reportedly Rooney may ditch the whole premise and instead focus on why he has so many remote controls.

L.A. Police Brutality Caught on Tape, Leads to Recurring Role on "The Shield"

When two LAPD officers beat the stuffing out of a fleeing suspect, little did they realize it was a great career move. Their visceral grittiness caught the eye of the producers of FX's "The Shield" who have been looking to cast two "'Roid Rage" types for an upcoming three episode skein. Now the only question remains whether they can beat someone on cue.

Pakistani Terror School Lags in Math

They're tops in their region in demolitions, hand-to-hand combat, and monkey bars, but if you ask students at Pakistan's Idi Amin Terror High, "What's nine times seven?" you're likely to get a wrong answer or a pistol barrel to the face. Recent testing shows madrasa math scores well below the national average. In some cases, eleventh grade terrorists are still adding at second grade levels. Also, very few terror students go onto college, although that may be because more than 80% blow themselves up prior to graduation.

New Sony PS3 Equipped with Blu-Ray Player, Vagina

Sony has taken its next video game console well into the next generation and beyond by equipping it with a high-definition Blu-Ray DVD player, as well as a very-human seeming female genitalia. Gamers are giving the PS3 rave reviews, saying they never experienced anything quite like the ecstasy of scoring in "Madden 2007" while simultaneously losing their virginity. The PS3 will hit stores around Christmas. It is recommended for ages 10 and up.

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld Resigns, Replaced by Bill Belichick

After years of faulty play calling, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld finally resigned yesterday, and moments later was replaced by New England Patriots coach and defense-mastermind Bill Belichick. Belichick announced immediate changes: the area around Basra will be switched to 4-3 coverage, heavy artillery units will be replaced by more mobile "linebackers," communicating with the press is verboten, and all military personnel will wear a sweatshirt with the sleeves cut-off. Belichick also cut underperforming high-draft pick Condi Rice and replaced her with an unheralded sixth round choice.

Fox News Freaks Out

Meet Virginia: Racist Jew, Pornographic Novelist in Dead Heat

In a Senate race that is too close to call, the newly-minted Jew who refers to dark-skinned people as "macaca" is losing by a razor-thin margin to the guy who writes sex scenes where adults perform oral on underage boys. Virginia is torn equally between the two - exit polls show most wanted to vote for both the crass Semitic ham-eater (George Allen) and the Shakespeare of man-boy love (James Webb). An official announcement of the victor is expected take at least a week while Virginia locates specialists trained in the art of counting.

Pelosi Takes Over House, Demands Everyone Wipe Feet Before Entering

There's a new sheriff in Congress, and she wants all representatives to know things are going to change around the house. In a letter received by all Capitol Hill staff, new Speaker Nancy Pelosi writes:

1. Everyone must wipe feet before entering the House. No exceptions. I will not have you boys dragging mud and tracking dirt through all the rooms.

2. Chores - Republicans will wash dishes on even days of the month, Democrats on odds.

3. All absences must be explained by a note!

4. Molesting pages will be grounds for dismissal, even if you were once massaged by a Priest.

5. Powdered wigs now mandatory

Democrats Win Congress, Republicans Capture "Dancing With the Stars"

Republicans fared poorly on Election Day with one notable exception: high voter turnout, plus a strong negative campaign against Jerry Springer ensures a GOP sweep of "Dancing with the Stars." Joey Lawrence, Mario Lopez, and Emmit Smith are each known for their conservative stances on the waltz vis a vis the Paso Doble, and Lawrence in particular seems unaware that the sailor suit is widely viewed as an iconographic gay fashion. Democrats hope they can stack the field with more conservative entries next year.

Britney Spears, Federline to Divorce; Battle Over Child Custody, "No, You Take Them!"

Two years ago, it seemed like a fairy tale: the groom wore a lavish velvet track suit emblazoned "Pimp" while the bride wore a simple, yet dignified white Juicy Couture ensemble bedazzled with the word "ho." Yet today, Britney Spears filed for divorce from her husband of almost 800 days. The move shocked many, since the couple seemed so happy in their last carefully-worded press release. Britney has asked for privacy at this difficult time, while Kevin has asked for publicity. Spears appeared last night on "Late Night with David Letterman." Federline's album now ranks #15,878 on amazon.com's music sales chart.

Computer Voting Success: With 228% of Vote Counted Republicans Take Lead

Americans turned out in droves today to decide which candidates will spend the next six years having sex with underage Capitol Hill pages. Using new touchscreen voting machines that combine the reliability of Windows 98 with the speed of a 14.4KB dial-up Internet connection, more than 228% of Americans made it to the polls, the vast majority voting Republican. The President praised the high voter turnout saying, "The beauty of a democracy is it allows the people to vote, sometimes more than once."

Long Lines as Voters Check Email, Play "Madden '07"

Expect delays at the polls today as many are using the new computerized voting machines to check emails, update their myspace profiles, and watch YouTube videos of "Borat" and "Family Guy." Lawyers are particularly concerned about a Roanoke, VA polling station that has broken out into a full-on "Halo 3" war.

Country Music Awards Marred by Live Performances of Country Music

Brooks and Dunn cleaned up at last night's CMAs, which for the umpteenth straight year were marred by live performances of country music. All the stars you can't believe anyone really listens to turned up, and played a bunch of stuff that sounded like worse versions of John Mellencamp's Chevy commercials. Also, Kenny Chesney still thinks we don't realize he's bald (ABOVE). Country music sales have gone up 18% this year, since most country fans still don't know how to illegally download stuff.

Saddam Hussein Sentenced to Hanging and 40 Hours of Community Service

The infamous Butcher of Baghdad has been sentenced to death, but not before he makes restitution by spending 40 hours helping out "at risk" teens. The Chief Justice of the Iraqi High Tribune told Saddam, "You ordered the death of more than 150 people. For this heinous crime, you will pay the ultimate price...spending time with teenagers. Oh, also this new constitution says we have to kill you, so sorry about that." Hussein tried to plea bargain the sentence down to 12 hours of service and chopping off his left hand, but to no avail. No word on whether Saddam plans to appeal, although he did tell his lawyers, "For this I paid 600 dinars an hour?"

EDITORIAL: Vote "Maybe" on Prop 87

Prop 87 asks that Californians establish a $4 billion fund to research and develop alternative energy sources to reduce oil and gasoline usage by 25%. Its supporters say the measure will lead to less foreign oil and cleaner energy. It's detractors it will mean higher gas prices, more dependence on foreign oil, and a new bureaucracy with no accountability to taxpayers. That is why we encourage you to vote "Maybe" on Prop. 87.

The Lambada: Once Forbidden, Now Forgotten

The poor lambada. The Latin dance so scandalous it was downright verboten has been relegated to the trash-heap of history, a faint memory of sordid frottage. In 1991 though, it was king, and few could resist the call of freewheeling Latinos rubbing their crotches together over the rhythmic beating of an immoral conga drum. What happened? Grunge, OJ, Monica Lewinsky, and next thing you know lambada societies were re-formulating with a greater focus on freak dancing. Sleep gently, lambada.

Kevin Federline Album Hits Charts, Bounces Off

Kevin Federline's magnum dopus "Playing with Fire" was released Tuesday, and by this morning it had already risen to number 2,526 on Amazon's sales charts, right behind a compilation of the hits of the band "Drivin N Cryin" as sung by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. No doubt the #2,522 spot is in reach if the album continues to sell at its current pace of .0041526 per day.

Scientists Say Seafood Will Run Out by 2050, so Enjoy Long John Silver's While You Can

More bleak news from the scientific community: due to overfishing and ecosystem collapse, we may have but 40 years to enjoy meals at pirate-themed seafood chain Long John Silver's. But who says extinction can't be fun?? The restaurant is determined to go out in style and to celebrate dwindling shellfish populations, they're bringing back "Buttered Lobster Bites," "Battered Dolphin Cutlet," and "Cajun Whale Tail Pieces," while supplies last, which translates roughly to 2044. So go down to Long John Silver's, and walk the plank...of flavor!

Fantasy Football Leads to Real Divorce

A survey of heterosexual couples divorced over the last five years reveals the number one cause isn't fighting over in-laws, the kids, or money, it's fantasy football. More than 80% of men say talking to their wives is much less pleasurable than deciding whether to start Andrew Walter or Bruce Gradkowski as their second QB. Also, shockingly, 94% of men would be willing to give up their children in exchange for the Bears' defense. Instead of seeking counseling, women who want to preserve their marriage are encouraged to find a way to trade for LaDanian Tomlinson.

Most Bill O'Reilly "Talking Points" Actually Conversation Stoppers

Go ahead, we dare you: bring up any of Bill O'Reilly's so-called "talking points" in actual human conversation and see what happens...at the mention of Hillary Clinton, border patrols, interrogation methods, or "culture wars," watches are checked, yawns are yawned, and quick goodbyes are arranged. Why? These "talking points" are not "listening points." They're warning flares that someone is about to go off on a soporific nineteen-minute diatribe that ends with a clumsy sexual proposition involving a loofa.

KFC to Stop Offering Transfats as Entree

When you hear the words "Kentucky" and "Fried" the first thing that pops into your mind is "good health." Now KFC will make it even harder to induce pulmonary embolism by discontinuing their famous, "Fried Bucket of Transfats." Of course, unofficially, if you give the cashier a knowing look, mutter the word "Cobra," and wait out back, they'll probably give it to you.
According to statistics, four out of five KFC customers are already dead.

Men's Testosterone Levels Declining, Nation's Testicles Urged to Increase Production

Twenty years ago it seemed as though you couldn't go anywhere without being pelted in the face by testosterone. Yet now, we find ourselves in crisis as testosterone levels have hit a record low. Who is to blame? The nation's testicles, who have grown fat, wrinkly, lazy, and dormant. All testicles are strongly encouraged to go full bore into hormone manufacturing, lest we be forced to adapt to life without testosterone, or become reliant on ethanol substitutes.

Kerry Says He "Botched Joke" - Intended Remarks Were Completely Hilarious, Though

John Kerry, whose speeches have been compared to Dane Cook performances only with jokes added, is under fire for telling an audience of college students:

"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."

Kerry insists he meant to say:

"Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."

After President Bush called the remarks "stupid," Kerry fired back:

"I'm rubber and you're glue - or if not glue some other tacky substance, perhaps say rubber cement, regular cement, or even two-sided duct tape - and everything you say bounces back off me with a straight trajectory, which accounting for the coefficient of friction is still a significant enough velocity to return it to you, where it will stick, since as I mentioned before, you are sticky."

Kerry then pumped his fist like a man who had never used his hands before.

Bush Counters Kerry Remark, Tells Students, "Actually, You Do Want to Get Stuck in Iraq"

President Bush strongly objected to a John Kerry's remarks to a college audience, and wants to remind students that they "Do want to get stuck in Iraq." According to the President, "With the job market tight and most employers offering neither health benefits nor pensions, being stuck in Iraq is an attractive option for today's college graduate. Those in Iraq will receive free guns, bullets, MREs, and an assurance that their employment in Iraq will not be terminated for a long, long time."