Don't Worry, MSNBC.com Is on Top of the Whole "Barbaro's Sperm" Situation

We all remember where we were when we got the news Barbaro had passed. This journalist was in the ball pit at a Chuck E. Cheese.

Of course we all wondered, before this great steed's demise, was a handler able to manipulate his horse phallus into one last shuddering orgasm? What about afterwards? Was his equine wang still functional? Yet in the interests of taste and discretion, everyone kept these thoughts to ourselves, or shared them clandestinely with loved ones.

Everyone, that is, except MSNBC.com, who at this difficult time let us know that their thoughts are with the deceased's sperm. So thank you, MSNBC.com. Because we were all wondering that. Especially all the children who loved Barbaro.

A cursory search of MSNBC.com's archives shows this was not their first offense in this extremely delicate area:

Shame on thee, MSNBC

ABC's "What About Brian?" Proves It Doesn't Work in a Bucolic Setting Either

If you watch "What About Brian?" wondering, "Maybe this show would work if it was set in the woods..." you now have your answer. Emphatically, no. This week the gang had a final fling in Brian's Dad's lake house. Unlike the house in the movie, "The Lake House," this house had no mechanism to transport people through time. However, the house did contain the magic ability to make women cry with no provocation. By my unofficial count, there were 492 separate instances of women tearing up by the first commercial break. Here were some other highlights:

• The doorbell rings, and Deena tells her three year-old, "You get that." Thankfully, there wasn't a hatchet-murder at the door. As a parent, I would rate her below Susan Smith but above Andrea Yates.


• Heather tells Adam she's going back to work at the strip club for, "Five or six shifts to make up the money to Schmitty." Two weeks ago we learned she owes Schmitty one hundred grand. Figuring 20,000 per shift at 20 dollars per lap dance, that means she's doing more than 1,000 lapdances during an 8 hour shift, which translates into more than two lap dances per minute, which means THE MATH SIMPLY DOESN'T ADD UP.


• While I'm at it, when will Schmitty overcome his fear of just going to a hooker? If you spend $100,000 on a stripper, you must really love unresolved groin-rubbings.


• Here's how Brian learns his Dad is selling the lake house: An envelope arrives. Brian opens it. Brian says, "Huh, I have to sign these papers because my Dad is selling the lake house." Why the hell would he have to pass papers on a house he doesn't own? Also, at some point during this episode, shouldn't he ask his Dad's permission to use the house? Maybe Dad wanted to spend the last weekend there.


• Jimmy enters a roomful of six Caucasians and bellows, "My people!" Then Adam puts on a "Black voice" and says, "Jimmy got a little somethin' somethin' on the 215." I honestly think Jimmy might have been better off during the days of separate drinking fountains.


• How hard is this surgery decision for Dave and Deena? If their daughter doesn't have the surgery, she's deaf. If she does and the surgery fails, she's deaf. If the surgery works, she's not deaf. Who would need more than 10 seconds to make the call to do the surgery? It would take me longer to decide whether to have chicken or fish at a wedding.


• Deena and Ivy bitch that BridgeTT, "Didn't bring anything. Everyone else brought something. Brian brought something." Hey, you turds, BridgeTT is with Brian, so by association, if Brian brings wine, BridgeTT brings wine. When you go away for a weekend, each member of a couple isn't required to bring separate gifts.


• Jimmy and Ivy are struggling whether to get a cat or dog. Get both, you idiots. You're adults, it's not like your parents can stop you.


• Is it just me, or is it a little weird that Brian would want to spend the weekend at a house where his Dad once banged his current girlfriend?


• Dave is only one foot taller than his three year old daughter, and I don't think she's a giant. So he may need injections of HGH.


• Brian tells Dave and Deena, "I wish you were my parents." Hey ape, you're at your Dad's lake house. Can you give your bellyaching about him a rest? If Dave and Deena were your parents, you probably would have died at age two, when Deena made you answer the door, and an ax murderer was standing there. Also, you might have been deaf when they didn't get you surgery for no reason.


• Heather tells Adam, "That girl [Marjorie] left you at the altar. I never would have done that to you." Which would mean something, except when they got married in Vegas there was no altar.


• Deena and Ivy are upset that BridgeTT took the biggest room. Hey, she's with the dude whose Dad owns the house. Also, she banged his Dad - she earned that room.

As always, if you read this far, I apologize.

"Ask Clay Aiken a Question" Feature not Working Out Quite Like ABC.com Hoped

When ABC.com conceived their "Ask Clay Aiken a Question" promotion, they imagined people emailing inquiries about UNICEF and their works in Jakarta, Indonesia. Since Clay was runner-up on "American Idol" three season ago, he is at least as qualified as Elliot Yamin to speak about Third World development, and perhaps even more knowledgeable about global geopolitics than Bo Bice.

However, it seems ABC.com's readers have only one question for Clay Aiken: "Are you gay?" More than 99.9% of entries had some variety of this same inquiry including, "You're gay, right?" "Settle a bet for me...gay?" and "If you won't talk about your sexuality, could you at least blink twice if you're not straight?"

ABC did manage to salvage one UNICEF related query. It was, "UNICEF knows you're gay, right?"

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Vol. 5: "The Queen"

"The Queen" accurately depicts the excitement of waiting to see if a person will read a prepared statement. However, since it's based on recent factual events, we all remember the queen did, in fact, wind up reading a prepared statement. What happened after the Queen read a prepared statement? People were mildly comforted by the fact that the Queen had read a prepared statement.

Was there drama prior to her reading the statement? Well, she was initially hesitant to do it, but after two snippy discussions and a long walk she changed her mind. Oh - and at one point her popularity dipped to 75%.

While Dame Helen Mirren did an amazing job portraying Tony Blair (the Queen was played by Tyler Perry), like Princess Diana's senseless death, THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN.

Body Found in Airplane Wheel Well at LAX; Man Bought Ticket on Priceline

A man froze to death on British Airways Flight 283 from London to Los Angeles after a ticket purchased on Priceline.com had him seated in the airplane's wheel well. At first Mark Davies could not believe his luck when he bought the Transatlantic flight for just $43.87. Then he heard the announcement, "We are now prepared to board rows one through seven, and the front wheel well." After double-checking his ticket, it confirmed he would be riding beneath the plane.

Some good news for Davies' estate: The airline announced he will be granted frequent flier miles for the journey.

Hillary Clinton Hits Iowa to Shop, Shop, Shop!

Hillary Clinton hit Iowa this weekend with just one goal in mind - to take advantage of the state's famous shopping! And Iowa did not disappoint, as the First Lady of Consumption walked away with:

• 9 lbs. of "Head cheese"


• 18 yards of gingham


• 9 cases of Keystone Light


• 20 lbs of barley and two canvas oat bags from Jim's feed store


• One cord of dried kindling


• His-and-her baggy plaid shirts in unflattering patterns


• Naugahyde pantsuit


• 4 radial tires


• Wicker basket filled with ostrich jerky

Hillary didn't quite shop til she dropped, but reports did have her dehydrated and needing a vitamin IV.

Paris Hilton's Secret Photo Stash Contains Shocking Coke-Fueled Pics of Heiress with Books!!

Last month, Paris Hilton forgot to pay the rent on a storage locker containing many of her personal belongings. Now, a private investor has purchased Paris' personal photos, notes, and videos and posted them on a pay-per-view website. News As Gossip has obtained three shocking samples:



Paris as you've never seen her...with a book!



Paris Hilton indulges in a bath...and Melville!



Paris and a friend show their mutual love...of James Joyce's "Ulysses!"

Woman Saves Husband from Mountain Lion...For Now

Nell Hamm saved her husband's life, using a four inch wide log and pen to stave off a vicious mountain lion's attack...for the time being. The couple was hiking in a State Park not that far from where you live, when a cougar pounced on Jim Hamm. After watching Jim get tossed around like a rag doll for five minutes, Nell instinctively knew she had to act, as soon as she finished her lunch. She beat back the lion and flagged down a park ranger for help, withstanding the temptation to make fun of his hat. The lion had been repelled...this time. Knowing the vindictive nature of these beasts, though, who can predict what the future will bring?

Larry King Gushes, "If You Only See One Child Rape Movie This Year, Make it Dakota Fanning's 'Hounddog!'"

Though Dakota Fanning's child rape movie, "Hounddog" has failed to find a distributor at Sundance, that hasn't stopped mainstream critics from declaring the movie a hit.

Larry King writes, "If you only see one child rape movie this year, make it 'Hounddog.' Spectactular acting and a whiz-band soundtrack make this flick a bona-fide thriller!"

Meanwhile, Peter Travers of "Rolling Stone," says, "You'll stand up and cheer 'Hounddog!' Of course, do that during the wrong scene and you'll get your head kicked in. The performances crackle and Fanning is radiant as a rape victim! A hot flick for cool summer fun!"

And the praise keeps rolling in! "Maxim Magazine" calls "Hounddog," "The feel good movie of the year!! Four stars!" and no less a source than GEM-TV declares, "'Hounddog' is classic family fare. Whether it's with your kids, your step-kids, or your girlfriend's kids from two or three different men, you'll all be singing, 'We ain't nothin' but Hounddogs!!!'"

John Kerry Concedes 2008 Election

Yesterday an emotional John Kerry conceded he did not have the votes to win, and dropped out of the 2008 Presidential race. In classic Kerry fashion, the Senator said, "I will not be running for President so I can focus my attention on ending the War in Iraq. No...wait, I will be running for President, on a platform of realizing the war is wrong, because Americans want to vote for a guy who makes frequent, huge mistakes. Sorry...scratch that, I will not be running for President in 2008." Kerry's office says the Senator will devote every ounce of his energy to bringing U.S. troops home safely, and windsurfing.
Relieved Democrats feel John Kerry can be more effective giving pedantic, stultifying lectures in the Senate than the White House.

President Bush Rebuked as State of the Union Receives Only 168 Standing Ovations

President Bush laid an egg in front of the House, Senate, and nation last night, as his State of the Union address garnered a paltry 168 standing ovations. Both Democrats and Republicans were particularly adamant in their bipartisan disapproval of the President's new Iraq plan, standing and applauding its details just nine times. When the President mentioned work visas for illegal immigrants, the audience got on its knees and offered an unprecedented "kneeling ovation," which was later topped by a full-on "sleeping ovation" during a passage about school vouchers.

The reception was a stark contrast to last year, when applause lasted so long, the President performed an encore speech on "No Child Left Behind." Newly-elected Democratic Senator Jim Webb gave a short rebuttal, then read saucy passages from his erotic novel involving a stripper and a banana.

Pfizer to Pfold Pfive Pfacilities

Due to pfiscal pfailures pharmaceutical pfirm Pfizer will phase out pfive pfacilities. Pflat pfinancial pfigures and pfallow pfuture pforecasts for Pflomax pfacsimilies have pfried pfeelings that pfrenetic pfactory pforging is pfeasible. Pfizer's pfinancial pfakirs pfaced pfacts pfreely, pframing their pfeelings with the pfancy-pfree phrase, "We're pfucked."

EXCLUSIVE: President Bush's State of the Union to Focus Mostly on Success vs. Shark Attacks

With chaos in Iraq, a crumbling health care system, and record low poll numbers, President Bush plans to use the bulk of tonight's State of the Union address to accentuate the positive: a precipitous decline in shark attacks off of U.S. shores. In an excerpt leaked by I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby (we think the "Scooter" goes after "Lewis" and before "Libby" although it could be between the "I" and the "Lewis" or before the "I"), President Bush will tell America: "Two years ago, there were more than thirty shark attacks in the U.S. Last year there were seventeen. Our efforts to warm the earth's waters to trick sharks into migrating further north have worked. The strategic placement of oil derricks to render the coast inhabitable for marine life has been a success. By fighting the sharks 'out there' we have insured they won't bite us on U.S. soil. Perhaps we can next warm Iraq to the point where insurgents will take refuge in the South Pole. Thank you. Now how about those Indianapolis Colts?..."

GAP CEO Resigns While Wearing Outfit That's Not Quite Formal Enough

GAP CEO Paul Pressler resigned Mondaywith a $14 million severance package that will hopefully enable him to purchase some suitable work clothes. Exemplifying the "business casual" that lead to his ouster, Pressler's departure outfit consisted of khakis with cargo pockets and a distressed (Distressed?? Hell, that shirt was worried out of its G-ddamned mind!) oxford cloth button-down shirt worn open to show an olive-drab v-neck t-shirt with Chinese characters. GAP's financial problems have worsened in the last three years as more Americans realize they can't go to work dressed as the nerdiest member of alt-rock outfit "Modest Mouse." The company hopes to rebound with a new line of leather jackets for babies.

Strapped for Resources, Earth Pushed to the Brink as ABC's "What About Brian?" Adds Even More Characters

We all know the earth is being crushed under our weight. We know that valuable resources such as oil, water, and clean air are in danger, and that scarcity demands sacrifice. And yet, rather than cut back, "What About Brian?" continues to endanger our planet by multiplying characters at an alarming rate. Say it was a Monday night at 10 pm. You're home watching TV and you think, "Huh. I guess I'll check out this 'What About Brian?' show I've heard so little about." In order to even have a slim chance of understanding what the hell is going on, you'd have to familiarize yourself with: Brian, Dave, Deena, Nicole, Adam, Summer, Marjorie, Jimmy, Ivy, Bella, Angelo, Dave and Deena's two young daughters, Kerri, Brian's father, Brian's mother, BridgeTT, Cargirl, Sandwich Girl, Schmitty, and Nicole's new Male Nanny. That's 22 characters! I'm sorry, that's too freaking much! I shouldn't have to wear one of those armbands that NFL quarterbacks use to call plays just to watch a dramedy.

In case anyone cares, here are a few highlights from this week's show, the majority of which was spent discussing the merits of cochlear implants:

• Dave and Deena decide to put their child's health in the hands of Marjorie, who's been out of medical school less than a year. Either they have bad judgment or horrible health insurance.


• Heather comes out with a box of old thongs and tells Adam, "I thought I'd give them to Danushka." You really think she wants your old underwear? I'm pretty sure that violates a health code, which is why you can't return a bathing suit.


• Deena and Dave ask Marjorie if Kerri were her daughter, what would she do? Marjorie says, "I'm not allowed to answer that, I'm a doctor." They say, "Come on," and she says, "I'd do the surgery." Hey Marjorie, way to stick to your Hippocratic oath for seven seconds.


• There's a scene where Brian walks into Nicole's house, sees her nanny, tells her the nanny is too young, then leaves. I just want to point out, he appears to be at Nicole's house for no reason at all. Not, "Hey, can I borrow..." or, "Here's the blender you lent me..." He actually just drove up there for 15 seconds of conversation.


• Dave yells at Marjorie, "You blew through here like Hurricane Katrina!" Are we really ready for Katrina to be used as a gratuitous reference? Isn't it a little early for that? "You blew up our friendship like the World Trade Center!!"


• Nicole tells Bridget that asking her to move in is the biggest commitment Brian has ever made. Maybe Nicole didn't watch Season One of her own show. If she had, she'd know that Brian already lived with CarGirl. It would be nice if I felt the people who write the show paid as much attention to it as I do.

POPULARITY FORECAST: President Bush's Approval Rating to Remain in Low 30s and Could Even Dip into the Teens by Nightfall

Look at the person to the left of you. Now look at the person to the right. One of you approves of President Bush. Also, one of you has Hepatitis. Maybe the same person.

According to ABC News, 33% of Americans approve of President Bush, while 71% say the country is headed "seriously off on the wrong track," which means a startling 4% of Americans approve of President Bush precisely because he has the country headed seriously off on the wrong track.

(For those who are stunned by math, 100 - 71 yields 29, the number of Americans who must not agree the country is headed seriously off on the wrong track. Bush's approval rating is 33, higher than the number who think things are going well. 33 - 29 yields 4.)

People and things with a higher approval rating than President Bush:

John Mark Carr

Partial birth abortion

The movie "Basic Instinct 2"

Rancid Lamb Vindaloo

The WNBA

People and things with a lower approval rating than President Bush:

Stage 3 lymphomas

Pigeons

Vice President Cheney

Reading

MOVIE REVIEW: "Dreamgirls" Teaches Powerful Lesson that Women Will Never Appreciate Anything You Do for Them

"Dreamgirls" dramatically demonstrates that no man should ever attempt to assemble a superstar female pop trio because odds are the women will still you treat you like an ass. When the movie begins, Effie (Jennifer Hudson), Deena (Beyonce Knowles), and the other chick nobody cares about are at wit's end. They can't even win a local Detroit talent competition. Effie talks about quitting.

Then Curtis (Jaime Foxx) comes into their lives. He takes the group from nothing. He risks his Cadillac dealership to record music. He then sells the dealership, and risks that money on poker games and boxing matches to have enough cash to bribe DJs to play the girls' music. Curtis then leverages his radio clout to give the girls access to lucrative clubs that would never have hired them before. Then Curtis tells Effie that Deena should sing lead and all the sudden he's an a-hole??

Why? Because it isn't enough for Effie to be a star, she has to be the star?? Isn't it more like maybe Effie is an egomaniac who should be grateful she's not still living with her mother who won't let her out of the house at night? Hey Effie, if you're so great, how come you're not a star on your own?? I didn't see anyone clamoring for your solo work in the eight years you were performing before you met Curtis.

And if Effie insists on being in the spotlight, is it really too much to ask that she be proactive and do some sit-ups since after all she is in show business? Curtis, gentleman that he is, attempts to keep Effie in the group despite her lateness, drunkenness, and aberrent behavior. Eventually, he can't take it anymore and attempts to extricate himself from what is clearly an abusive relationship. Of course, Effie has the nerve to turn it on him and goes off on one of the most psychotic break-up rants you've ever heard, demanding, "You're gonna love me," for about ten minutes. A class act, Curtis refuses to participate in this clearly dysfuncional breakdown, and walks away.

Effie then hides the existence of their daughter from Curtis so she can selfishly raise the girl alone in poverty, instead of providing the youngster with the resources she will need to get ahead.

An emotional rock, Curtis pulls himself together, taking Deena and making into one of the biggest stars on the planet, landmark territory for an African-American woman. He plans to produce a movie with her starring as Cleopatra, a great Black female heroine and borderline goddess. Is Deena thrilled? Of course not. She's furious she can't star in an Indie movie playing a junkie who blows a truck driver. She leaves Curtis.

Is this a happy ending? "Dreamgirls" hedges on this point, leaving the viewer unsure of whether Curtis had a prenup.

Isaiah Washington Demonstrates Innocence by Producing Laundry List of Other Slurs He Didn't Call TR Knight

Isaiah Washington is a sweet, open-minded individual. So three days after stirring up controversy by telling a reporter at the "Golden Globes" he never called "Grey's Anatomy" co-star TR Knight a "faggot", Washington released a list of other slurs he's never used to refer to his gay colleague. "I've never called him 'a flamer,'" Washington began. "I've never called him 'butt-pirate,' nor have I referred to him as 'light in the loafers,' or pointed out the 'sugar in his step.'" Over intense groans and eye-rolling, Washington persisted, "I've never called him a 'turd burgler.' I think he's Irish, and I've never called him a 'Mick.' He could be Italian, and I haven't called him a 'Wop,' or speculated that this 'bun-gunning' 'honkey' 'wigger' could be part 'Heeb.'" Washington then handed out a 68-page Microsoft Word document of unused slurs to the gathered media, taking particular pride in not having called Knight a 'coolie.'"
A nice sidebar to the story: everyone feels much better now.

Rising Nicotine Levels Make Cigarets a Better Bargain Than Ever!

While other manufacturers are trimming features, raising prices and constantly looking for ways to give you less for more, Big Tobacco (and even "Medium Tobacco" and "Micro Tobacco," but not "Small Tobacco") are bravely bucking, the trend by packing cigarets full of more nicotine than ever. "If you buy a pack of Marlboros today, you're blackening twice as many lung cells as you were just five years ago," said a publicist for RJ Reynolds, Inc. who died later that day. "It's all about value. We realize consumers have many ways of killing themselves and we have to compete in a tight market." Tobacco researchers are reportedly edging closer to the "Holy Grail" - a cigaret that can give you intractable lung cancer with just one puff.

Burying James Brown Definitely on Widow's "To Do" List

Though James Brown's body is still lying in his living room, rest assured his widow plans to bury him at some point. "This has been such a busy month for me," said Brown's wife, Tomi Rae Hynie Brown. "Between returning Christmas gifts, shuttling the kids back-and-forth to soccer practice, and beginning to organize my taxes, I haven't had even two seconds to bury my husband. Getting James in the ground is one of my top New Year's Resolutions. You can see right here," she said, brandishing her list and pointing. "Bury James in '07. Anyway, keeping him above ground aired out some of that musty smell."

Local Drug Economy Collapses as Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab

Los Angeles' formerly burgeoning $88.2 million drug economy lay in shambles yesterday just minutes after actress Lindsay Lohan made the impetuous decision to check into rehab. Coke dealers trying to unload enormous supplies rendered worthless by a lack of demand were freely exchanging 8balls for scrap aluminum. Marijuana dealers descended on temp agencies en masse creating a glut of underskilled legal secretaries. In the Vodka index, Grey Goose was hardest hit, dropping from over $30 to mere pennies a bottle, while cases of Red Bull were being abandoned in the street. Economists compared the catastrophe with the inevitable reckoning when China cashes out all its U.S. Government bonds at once.
Lohan, 40, entered Wonderland Center in Los Angeles, famous for its velvet rope-cordoned V.I.P. room, champagne lounge and "One Step" program, where they declare you "Better" after 20 minutes of sobriety.

Cold Ruins California Citrus Crop as Farmers Fail to Realize that Freezing Food Preserves It

Farmers said to expect sky-high prices at the market, and Governor Schwarzenneger asked the government for more than $1 billion in aid after a recent frost "ruined" the California orange crop. Or did it? Think of all the food in your freezer. Is it "ruined?" Or preserved?? Say you can't finish a loaf of bread. You freeze it, and it stays good. In fact, keeping it at warm temperatures causes it to spoil. Ever heard of frozen orange juice "from concentrate?"

Ever ask for "an ice-cold OJ?" Ever eat an orange popsicle? If you answered "No" to any of the previous three questions, you are grossly undereducated. If anything, doesn't frost save the cost associated with freezing orange juice? Nice try, shifty Mom-and-Pop farmers. More exclusive coverage of this billion dollar scam as it develops...

Having Brought Sexy Back, Justin Timberlake Now Taking It Away Again

Just two months after bringing sexy back, Justin Timberlake is taking it away, on the grounds that we don't deserve it. "Sexy is not a right, it's a privilege," Timberlake scolded an audience in Sacramento. "You have to earn it. You're not mature enough to handle sexy. You take it for granted, leaving it in the front hall where it can get all filthy. You know what? You're grounded. No more sexy until your Mother and I decide you can handle it. Oh and no, you can't whip me if I misbehave."
The ban on sexy secretly relieved many boys who had no idea how to act.

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Vol. 4: "Casino Royale"

Both James Bond and the weird predatory lady from "Notes on a Scandal" knew that the terrorist would be at Casino Royale at a certain time. They could have captured and killed LeChiffre there. Or taken LeChiffre into custody water-boarded him while draining his Swiss bank account of the money. There was absolutely no reason Bond had to spend 12 hours playing this man in poker! And, by deduction, no reason we had to spend 15 minutes watching Bond's nutsack get beaten with a monkey's fist. THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN!!

Golden Globes Fashion Disaster as Two Hollywood Heavyweights Wear Exact Same Outfit!!

The "Mother of All Mortification" occurred at last night's Golden Globe Awards when Warren Beatty and Martin Scorcese arrived in completely identical tuxedos! From the black pants, to the white shirt, to the cummerbund, to the black jacket and bow tie, the men looked like twinsies in their matching Armani! As if rhyming last names of "Beatty" and "Scorcese" weren't enough!! While the two managed to avoid each other, the ceremony swirled with whispers of, "Can you believe it? How gauche!" and, "Looks like somebody didn't get the memo!" The "E! Fashion Police" booked the two men for "Indecent exposure." Then the real police booked the "E! Fashion Police" for drug possession. Specifically, ecstasy.

And of course, the other big fashion loser of the night was Alec Baldwin.

What man in his right mind wears white to a formal awards ceremony???

ABC Celebrates Martin Luther King Day by Having Black Character Return to "What About Brian?"

So ABC gave us a special MLK Day treat! "Jimmy" is back after a completely unexplained and unjustified one-week absence from, "What About Brian?" He was in top form, holding a golf club, then holding a glass of red wine, then standing next to someone who was speaking a lot. While his role was small, he must have made a big impression. How do I know? Because you can buy the Joseph Abboud shirt he was wearing on seenon.com.

But talk about burying the lede! Ever since Marjorie left, we knew she'd turn up again at the worst possible time, like Herpes Simplex B. And did she ever! Brian and the gang were enjoying a steak dinner near the Santa Monica promenade when he left the table to feed the meter (completely implausible - I used to live in that neighborhood and you don't have to feed the meter after 6 pm). Who should he see across the street, but Marjorie, entering the cooking store Sur LaTable (again implausible, this store closes at 7 pm). What happened? Nothing. We had to wait for him to run into her a second time in a second restaurant, then time ran out. Can't wait til next week's continuation of the "Tantric Marjorie Reveal!"

The highlights from this week:

• The opening credits ran more than 11 minutes into last night's show. They're called "opening credits" for a reason - so we know what show we're watching and who is in it. Why keep us in the dark so long about what show this is? Did you want to surprise us? Or fool us? And what necessitated the long delay? Well, how could you expect them to cut riveting scenes of toddlers getting ready for school, a woman making cupcakes, or another woman listing the names of guys she's dated?


• The cupcake plot is back. We're supposed to believe a major L.A. magazine wants to photograph Deena and give her a full-page write-up for "Hottest Cupcakes in L.A." even though the baked goods in question are only available in one local coffee shop, and not even under her own brand? Trust me, this would not be a big story in a town where no one eats carbs.


• Deena gives Nicole a newborn mommy gift of a nipple protector. If you watch carefully, Deena only gave her one. Nicole only has one nipple? Doesn't this warrant further examination?


• Adam and Summer's TV gets stolen and the criminal leaves a dollar bill folded in an ornate oragami "S" just like a former client used to do at the strip club, but the police don't think that's enough to go on? Really? The police often dismiss people's incontrovertible evidence and refuse to follow a simple lead? They're that incompetent? Why didn't they just arrest Jimmy then? He's Black. It would have been more realistic.


• Dave and Deena failed to notice their two year-old was deaf until someone else pointed it out? How do they not have their kids taken away by now? That night, they put their daughter to bed, and whisper outside her door. Hey jackasses! You just learned she's deaf! Scream all you want, she can't hear you.


• Deena complains to Marjorie, "The doctors just throw words at you. This is my daughter and I can't understand anything he's saying." Really? You can't understand words like, "She's deaf," and, "She can't hear below 90 decibles," and, "Here's a reference list of pediatricians that specialize in that area?" Then you are a moron. Also, it's hard to feel bad for the deaf daughter when all she's missing out on is a lot of cliched dialogue.


• Also, the way Nicole's baby just lies there, I'm pretty sure she has SIDS.


• At some point during last night's episode, Brian turned into Scott Stapp.
  
  

"What About Brian?" somehow continues to air every Monday at 10 pm on ABC. Come see what nobody's talking about!

LaDainian Tomlinson Also Angry Emmit Smith Stole Jerry Rice's Moves on "Dancing With the Stars"

After rebuking the New England Patriots for doing Shawne Merriman's "Lights Out" dance following their win over the San Diego Chargers, NFL MVP LaDainian Tomlinson continued his incendiary cotillion criticism, laying into Emmitt Smith for stealing Jerry Rice's moves on "Dancing with the Stars." "Emmitt doing the cha-cha, that's classless," an angry Tomlinson told a confused Phil Simms. "What, he has to rub it in because he won the whole thing while Jerry lost? Jerry was against Lisa Rinna, man! No way Emmitt could have beat Lisa Rinna. Then, Emmitt goes out and does the pas-de-deux that Rice is known for, that's just disrespectful. I definitely will have a chip on my shoulder if I ever see him in a ballroom."

OJ Derides Autobiography as "Fiction"; FOX to Air , "If OJ Had Done a TV Special He Would Have Confessed to Murders"

OJ Simpson insists his unpublished authorized memoirs were riddled with errors and promised to find the "real authors," and "bring them to justice." Among the specious claims in the tome: that OJ plans an NFL comeback, that OJ has written a script for "Naked Gun 4 and 1/8th: Yet Another Dickpunch," and oh, that he murdered that woman. "I can state for the record definitively, I did not kill Laci Peterson," a defiant Juice insists.
Meanwhile, Fox plans a new TV special based on the controversy, "If OJ Had Done a TV Special, He Would Have Confessed to Murders, However He Isn't Doing A Special so He Will Not be Confessing." The show, which Fox refers to as "IOHDATSHWHCTMHHIDASSHWNBC" for short, will be followed by the television event, "If Robbie Knieval Decided to Leap the Grand Canyon Again But FYI He Hasn't."

Barbaro Has Better Health Coverage Than You

The racehorse Barbaro has recovered from a flare-up of his laminitis, a disease which, if you had, you'd be dead by now. Doctors and rehab profssionals worked around the clock to remove damaged tissue, then staved off infection with medication and massage, none of which would be available to you under the same circumstances. In fact, for human laminitis, the normal recommendation is, "Limp it off, preferably in the direction of the graveyard, since that's where you're ending up anyway." Oh, and FYI, when all this is over? Barbaro gets to be a professional sex machine.

David Beckham Signing Puts Soccer on L.A.'s Gaydar

Soccer is finally on the gaydar in Los Angeles, after David Beckham agreed to a $250 million contract to play with The Galaxy, a local junior high school team. Gay sports bars were abuzz with the news, if indeed gay sports bars exist. There is further speculation that The Galaxy will also sign Queen Latifah and Santino from "Project Runway" to create a "dream team." Beckham is one of the world's best known soccer players, famous for his ability to "bend it," which is interesting because it's not often you get to watch something curve. He hopes to increase the popularity of soccer in America at-large, where it currently ranks behind "Beach fencing," and "Amputee squash."

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Vol. 3: "Don't Say a Word"

Instead of secretly wiring a psychiatrists' apartment with surveillance cameras, capturing him, then torturing him to convince him to trick one of his patients into revealing where the prison system buried her father, the criminals could have simply contacted prison authorities and asked where the man was buried. THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN!

President Bush Solves Iraq Problem with Genius Plan

Yesterday, President Bush unveiled a plan which will end the conflict in Iraq by this weekend. As soon as the President mentioned 21,500 more troops, it seemed a collective lightbulb went off over everyone's head. A gasp was followed by a spontaneous 28 minute standing ovation and then a short but tasteful performance by Chingy. In an unprecedented move, the President made himself available for "High fives" during the address, and was interrupted several times by Senators pouring Gatorade over his head. Key components of the plan include:

Changing the "Green Zone" into a nightclub called "Whispers"

Having The Rock organize local at-risk youth into football squads a la "The Gridiron Gang"

Telling Sunnis and Shias, "Try walking a mile in each other's kaffiyehs."

A positive public-relations blitz for the Kurdish community, based on the theme, "Kurd is the Word!"

Declaring January 14th National "Do Not Blow Up Any Humvees Painted Camouflage Day"

Using McGruff, the Crime Dog, to teach insurgents how to be safe and healthy

An additional force of 21,500 U.S. troops educated in the art of "Gymkata"

A defeated Nancy Pelosi begrudgingly admitted, "When you're right, you're right. 21,500 more U.S. troops is the exact magic number to end the insurgency. How I failed to see this, I don't know. Anyway, I'm off to Loehmann's."

The address received a Neilson rating of 4.7/8, trailing an all-new episode of "According to Jim."

EDITORIAL: Trump and Rosie Both Right

Now that Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell have been at war almost a month, we feel obligated to weigh in on their dispute. Donald, Rosie: You're both right.

Rosie fired the opening salvo, asking how dare Donald Trump hold himself up as a moral compass? We agree.

Trump fired back, "Rosie is disgusting, inside and out. She talks like a truck driver. Her magazine was a total disaster... How does she even get on television? If I were running 'The View,' I'd look in that fat ugly face of hers and say Rosie, you're fired." Again, a well-reasoned, cogent argument with completely valid sentiments.

Rosie then lowered the stakes by referring to Trump as a "Combover bunny," to which Donald retorted that she's a degenerate pig. This is one of those situations where we agree to agree.

Next, Trump wrote Rosie a very civil letter where he claims Barbara Walters told him working with Rosie, "Is a living hell." This morning, Rosie and Barbara Walters called Trump, "Pathetic." Now I know how King Solomon felt. Taking sides is tough!

So Donald, Rosie? Keep going! Don't stop the sanity!

At 15-19, New Jersey Nets Running Away with NBA's Atlantic Division

The New Jersey Nets have electrified their home state, surging to first place in the Atlantic Division. A recent torrid one-game winning streak gave the team a seemingly insurmountable half game lead over the second place Toronto Raptors. Nets Coach Lawrence Frank was rightfully glib about his team's success. "Unlike a lot of people, I think this game never comes down to defense or fundamentals. Basketball is about five individual players looking for their shots and playing defense when the mood strikes them. If you adhere to these basic principles, you're going to win around forty percent of your games." Coach Frank says he's jettisoned most preparations for the rest of the regular season, instead looking ahead to the playoffs.

ABC's "What About Brian?" Really Hitting Its Short, Gimpy Stride

When I was young, I used to punch my eyeballs so I could see interesting patterns. Of course it hurt, but I was rewarded with light-patterned mosaics more elaborate than a Fourth of July fireworks show. Watching "What About Brian?" is similar: There is pain involved, but oh, what fascinating patterns! Watching WAB is like seeing maggot-infested rectal tissue under a microscope - disgusting, but fascinating if you can forget for a moment that you're staring at shit. So without further ado, I invite you into my lab, with no promise that you will be immune from the highly contagious WAB fever.

• Brian, Adam (poor man's Tom Brady), "Summer," Dave, and Pregnant Chick Whose Name I Refuse to Learn all gather for their "weekly dinner." But as anyone who saw the pilot episode of WAB knows, the group gathers for a weekly brunch, not dinner. Since when did this change? Shouldn't it have been its own episode? Dave could say, "Guys, with the kids, we can no longer do brunch, can we switch to a weekly dinner?" Then everyone could have grown glassy-eyed over the memory of years of canteloupe and banana French toast, while a dirge by a Pete Yorn sound-a-like kicked in...How can you change this fundamental rule of the show in episode nine? That's like if all the sudden everyone started calling Brian "Sheldon" with no explanation!


• And where the hell was token Black guy and his moon-faced wife at the weekly dinner? Is this why they switched from brunch, because they're a bunch of closet racists? Did Adam say, "Listen, I get enough of Jimmy's unthreatening urban flavor during the workday. Any way we can just switch to dinners and not tell him?" Or has Jimmy finally found a home in Los Angeles' welcoming house music scene and dumped this bunch of whiny palefaces? Were they kidnapped? And if so, why is no one looking for them?


• I'm convinced Dave and Deena's middle daughter has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Someone needs to look into this.


• With numerous scenes shot in Summer's strip club, I'm convinced she works in a late 19th century burlesque. I haven't been to a strip club in a while, but do strippers normally wear frumpy nighties with bike shorts? I was half expecting Josephine Baker to walk out wearing a dress made of bananas.


More seductive than Summer

• So Adam and Dave have lunch at the strip club to visit Summer. Question: what kind of shit stripper works the lunch shift if she's in school? We're supposed to believe she's goes to school at night and strips during the day? Isn't that totally backwards? Don't people strip at night and go to school during the day? So this means there's a chiropractor academy open at two in the morning?


• Deena and KT go on a date to see the movie "The Bridge." Look on IMDB. There is no movie "The Bridge." Like I'm not having enough trouble suspending disbelief. Is it that hard to think of a real movie that they could see? For future reference here are some titles of actual movies: "The Queen," "Little Miss Sunshine," "The Departed," "Thank You for Smoking." These movies have one thing in common: they actually exist.


• Dave angrily asks Deena, "How are things with KT Tunstall?" Here's the thing - I don't think he was joking. I think WAB's writers actually gave this (male) character the same name as the chick who sings "Black Horse and a Cherry Tree." So you make up a title of a movie, but then name of one your characters the same thing as a known celebrity?


• Then after leaving the movie, they're walking down the street, eating popcorn and drinking soda. Who buys food in the theater then eats it after they leave? Or are we supposed to believe between the two of them they couldn't finish one small bag of popcorn in an hour and a half? Is their undiagnosed bulimea bringing them closer together?


• Brian's Dad says they need to go on a work retreat to grow as a team. But as we established the first time we saw this real estate firm, the agents work as individuals. There's a weekly competition that pits them all against one another. The results are posted on a whiteboard. Let me repeat: They are in direct competition with one another. So one can only assume that them working as a team would actually decrease business. Unless Brian's Dad is trying to short his own stock, I don't buy it.


• And has anyone ever been so indiscreet with a work affair as Brian and BridgeTT? Can't they talk about their relationship somewhere besides a conference room with the door open? She slept with his father and now she's sleeping with him. They talk about it in front of the other employees. What does it take to get Human Resources involved at this company??? I'm uncomfortable watching these two in my living room, and I don't even work there.


• "Sandwich Girl" somehow became Hispanic in between the time she left work and went to the roller rink. Someone needs to investigate.


• Marjorie's return. Rewind the scene and watch who came down the airport escalator three people before her. I swear it was Bert Reynolds.


• Finally, my favorite - that Chick Whose Name I Refuse to Learn gives birth. Instead of the birthing kit, Dave accidentally gives her the bag with Angelo's soccer stuff. For two seasons we've established that Angelo loves soccer more than anything else. So she takes his shirt out of the bag and it's not a team jersey, it's got black and white vertical stripes which means...ANGELO WAS A REF???? WHAT THE HELL?

If I've missed any important points, please add them in the comments...

New Twist on This Season's "24" - Daylight Savings Time

SPOLIER ALERT!! The new season of Fox's "24" will be the most intriguing to date, as Jack Bauer must save the U.S. from a nuclear terrorist attack during Daylight Savings Time. Some people will have set their watches and clocks ahead while others won't, so when Jack hears, "Meet me at 10 AM," he must figure out, "Do they mean 10 AM with the hour figured in? Or do they actually mean 9?" Find out, as Jack does battle with an Al Quaeda mastermind who has had the benefit of an extra hour's sleep. Is time running out? Or does Bauer have one more hour than he thinks? Find out, on an all-new "24."

Mystery Odor in New York; New Jersey Claims, "Whoever Smelt it, Dealt It"

This morning, New Yorkers were nauseated by a pervasive mysterious gas odor while New Jersey residents pretended not to smell anything saying, "Hey, whoever smelt it, dealt it." Mayor Michael Bloomberg says the odor is harmless and would have dissipated by now, except that millions of New Yorkers are using the odor as a cloak to freely pass gas. Many schools and many workplaces are being shut down, so people can experience the smell from home. While Homeland Security has ruled out terrorism, Donald Trump refuses to rule out Rosie O'Donnell.

Tony Romo Kills Four, Injures Seven While Trying to Butter Roll

Trying to enjoy a nice dinner after one of the worst fumbles in NFL history things went from bad to worse for Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo as he lost control of the knife, killing a young family, then recovered the knife, bobbled it again, and injured most of a softball team. While management blamed a slick knife, Romo refused to make excuses, and teammates rallied around him. "The man just wants to compete," Terrell Owens said. "Most of us would have given up after those four people died. But not Tony. If he says he gonna butter a roll, he gonna butter a roll." Meanwhile, backup quarterback Drew Bledsoe quietly grabbed the bread basket, and buttered twelve rolls while mouthing the words, "Told you so."

President Bush, "More Troops in Iraq Only Way to Get Troops Out of Iraq"

President Bush wants to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq with the hopes of getting them out of Iraq. President Bush told a skeptical Congress, "We can't get them out of Iraq unless they're first in Iraq. If we send 20,000 more troops to Iraq, that's 20,000 more that can come home. For them to be 'out' they have to be 'in.' Just like how I want our forces out of Iran, so I'm gonna send them there. It's like if you say, 'Bush go outside,' that only makes sense if I'm 'inside.'"
Meanwhile, Democrats countered we need to train Iraqi forces to get hit by sniper fire and dismembered by IEDs.

Stem Cells Regenerate Teeth in Pigs Allowing Them to Enjoy Taffy

Scientists have discovered a way to use stem cells to regenerate teeth in miniature pigs, the so-called "Holy Grail" of porcine dentistry that will finally allow pigs to enjoy Rolos and taffy. The vast majority of pigs struggle against tooth decay, particularly since there are no pig dentists, and, even if there were, no pig dental insurance. Also - hate to point this out at the risk of seeming prejudice against pigs but - they never brush. Because they're pigs, not just literally. Of course, to harvest the stem cells, hundreds of pig fetuses were condemned to eternal limbo in purgatory. But hey - new pig teeth!!

That Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Vol. 2: "Inside Man"

The President of the Bank could have burned the document that certified he was in the Nazi party, instead of saving it for 50 years in a safety deposit box so someone could find it and blackmail him. Don't be fooled - THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN!

New Car That Detects Drunk Driving Will Sell Zero Units

Toyota has developed a new automobile thatshuts down when it detects drunk driving but so far consumers are unwilling to go $30,000 in debt to probably be narced out by their own car. Especially when there are so many cars on the market that know to shut up and play it cool when the cops pull you over. The new Toyota Tattler is similar to the company's Avalon model, only it can be instrumental in helping a grand jury decide to proceed with an indictment. Other features of the car include:

A GPS that tells you its taking you to White Castle but instead directs you to the nearest police station

An on-board computer that calculates your likely prison term if you plea bargain

A bluetooth wireless ticket printer, in case the police network crashes

A gas tank that explodes if you committ adultery

Mystery Space Object Crashes into Jersey Home, Fits Right in with Gaudy Decor

At 9 p.m., a loud crash awakened Anthony Vacarrello, his wife, and two young children from their tanning beds. It would take him two hours to realize a meteor had crashed through his roof, and camouflaged itself in a living room decorated largely and tackily with gold. "As you can see here, we got nice stuff. This is all designer," the waste-management millionaire pointed out to reporters. "When I heard the noise, I thought one of my three life-sized bronze statues of my nieces fell over. So I said a 'Hail Mary' and went to go beat my son upside the head. He's cryin' and says he didn't do it...I hit him anyway, because you know he done something. Then I find this thing [the metal object] and I hold it to my daughter's face and yell, 'Did you bring drugs into this house??' and she says she didn't do it neither. If I catch the aliens that put this space turd through my roof, so help me..." Vacarello said, making a trigger gesture. "Capiche?"
Capiche, indeed.

U.S. to Properly Restage Saddam Execution; This Time "No Taunting"

After telling the world the U.S. would have hung Saddam differently, we'll now prove it. In order to placate international critics who say the dictator's execution was marred by excessive taunting, the U.S. military will exhume the corpse and stage a second, more solemn, killing. Before falling to his demise, Saddam had an extremely ugly exchange with the crowd, shouting, "Five years ago you would have had a fork up your ass!" which was followed by an unprintable string of N-words, ironic since Saddam claimed to have, "a lot of Black friends." The re-execution will take place early Friday and will reportedly feature a pirate theme.

Scientists Solve 400 Year-Old Murder 399 Years Too Late

Scientists believe they've finally solved the murder of Duke Francesco de' Medici, which would have provided significant comfort to his family were it now 1575. Working off their "extremely cold case" files, lab technicians believe they have enough forensic evidence to charge Francesco's brother, Cardinal Ferdinando de' Medici with murder by poisoning. A grand jury is being assembled, and if they see the DNA match as reason enough to indict, conviction is likely since Ferdinando's journal doesn't contain an alibi for a murder for which he was never charged. "We always get our man," boasted Tuscany's police chief. "Our citizens can rest comfortably knowing the Duke's killer will be put away." Next up: finding out who kidnapped the Santucci girl in 1608.
The cops working the Medici beat logged a startling 388 years of overtime pay.

Movies That Didn't Need to Happen, Vol. 1: "Collateral"

Tom Cruise could have just rented a car at the airport. That way he wouldn't have needed Jamie Foxx drive him around L.A. to watch him committ murders. Also, if Cruise had taken Hertz's insurance, he wouldn't have even needed to pay for the wrecked car when the body fell on top of it. THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN!

Oprah Opens School for Girls in South Africa; "Thanks a Lot," Say Boys

Today Oprah Winfrey opened a leadership academy in South Africa aimed at helping high-risk girls succeed. Asked what boys should do, Winfrey countered, "Who am I? Mother Theresa? They can go F themselves." A gaggle of hungry awe-struck young male villagers had the audacity to stick their noses through the gates, prompting Winfrey to say, "See? You can't get anything done without these people looking for a handout." Like many celebrities, Winfrey prefers working with international children because they're much cuter than American kids.

Ford Burial Stretches into Its Third Week, "No End in Sight"

Former President Gerald Ford's "Fordapalooza" continued today with no respite from its breakneck pace. Ford's remains were moved from the Capitol Hill rotunda to the National Cathedral, then to a waiting jet as his memorial service stretched into its third week. A service in Washington was attended by President Bush, former President Bush, Henry Kissenger, and Dick Cheney, who went to special lengths to make Ford's widow cry. Next, the body will be flown to Palm Springs, California where it will workshop with a touring company of "Ford's Funeral," scheduled to hit Europe in March.

Notes on "Notes on a Scandal"

If you ever wanted to see someone molest a child while being ogled by Dame Judi Dench, then this is the movie for you!

I almost forgot - there's a scene where a terminally ill cat pukes!