Environmentalists Agree: Al Gore's Power Bill Bigger Issue Than Global Warming

Both liberals and conservatives agree: it's time to derail this whole "global warming" nonsense right now, because Al Gore has an unusually large power bill. If the former Vice President did not spend $1200.00 a month on electricity, then maybe we'd believe that weather patterns are changing, ecosystems are being destroyed, and glaciers are melting which could potentially cause worldwide floods and a refugee crisis; but since his utility bill is large, screw it. The Tennessee Center for Policy Research (If there's one thing synonymous with "Tennessee" it's "policy research") had the good sense to put out a news bulletin about Gore's power consumption, as a reminder that the earth's resources are limitless and we should burn as much fuel as we can.

Also, there's no need to come up with a new Iraq policy, since Michael Moore is fat.

Either James Cameron Found Jesus' Tomb...Or Israel Had a Second Guy Named "Jesus"

A new documentary by "Titanic" director James Cameron claims Jesus' tomb was discovered in 1980, which means he was human and not, "King of the World!" Or it could mean, the Middle East had a second guy named Jesus, which makes the movie much less exciting.

Either way, Christian groups are protesting the film airing on the Discovery Channel, as well as protesting the whole notion of "discovery." The film also claims that Jesus had a son, Judah, and He was not very proud of the boy or he would have mentioned him more often.

Today's "Birthday We Barely Care About"

Gavin MacLeod is 76!

Stock Market Drops 400 Points After Harry Potter Takes Stage Naked in "Equus"

Stocks crashed today over revulsion that Harry Potter actor Daniel Radcliffe appeared nude in a British stage play called "Equus" (Above, Radcliffe is on left). Chinese investors were particularly repulsed, selling off everything they could to distance themselves from a world in which confusing, appalling events have become routine. While some have said the two events seem coincidental, that just sounds stupid.

Today's "Birthday We Barely Care About"

Howard Hesseman is 67!!

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Vol. 6: "CRASH"

If any of these characters carried auto insurance, all of these horrible situations could have been avoided. I know AAA offers special coverage in case the other driver is uninsured for an additional $70. In addition, if you take your car in for repairs, and it turns out the mechanic also traffics in human slavery, you may want to find a different auto shop. The chain of "76" gas stations fix cars, don't sell slaves, and are ASE certified. Simply by carrying a very basic policy (which is the law in California in any case) you are protected against car jacking, reimbursed in case of accidents, and indemnified if you hit someone. Just ask your local insurance broker: THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN!

The 79th and Final Academy Awards: All That's Left Are No Memories

Can you say "glamour?" What about "glitz?" Good, I'm just making sure you have the power of speech.

ABOVE Celine Dion with husband Rene

Last night's Oscars reminded us why we love movies in the first place - because they're under four hours, don't have commercials, and someone writes lines for the actors so we don't have to hear what they really think. Host Ellen Degeneris charmed us with his easygoing manners and punchline-free material, a smart choice since we're still not ready to laugh after 9/11. ABC wisely broadcast the ceremony with a ten-second delay to guard against airing anything interesting.

Meanwhile, E! Television gave us the welcome innovation of tit-circling:

Thanks E!. We wouldn't have noticed those on our own!

New Study: Circumcision Reduces HIV Risk, Locker Room Giggling By 60%

More great news for anyone who's sliced off part of their penis: a new study shows that circumcision reduces the risk of AIDS and taunting by 60%. Simply by having a doctor or completely unqualified Hebrew professional hack off the excess part of your ween, you can avoid being called things like, "Sausage dick," "Turkey gizzard rod," or, "Mr. Foreskin monster." Also, you'll lose 8 ounces, so you'll look and feel great. So whether you don't want people at the gym to point and stare at your johnson, or you simply don't want to wither and die of AIDS, talk to your doctor, dentist, or gynecologist about circumcision!

Rats at New York KFC Look Thinner Since They Banned Transfats

KFC is excited about the barrage of positive publicity resulting from the thin, lithe, nubile rats that have infested their New York City restaurants since the company banned transfats. KFC's marketing department boasts, "You can't buy this kind of great PR. I mean, even the rats are losing weight on the crumbs of our new Extra Crispy Mashed Potato Bowl. And it's obviously delicious - look at the scores of rats that showed up to eat it!"

ABC's "What About Brian?" Great Alternative for Those Who Think "Lost" Needs More Characters, Plots

Blind Item: What TV show added five new characters in the fifteenth episode of its second season, making it completely incomprehensible? (Clue: It's "What About Brian")

As the show's leading fritic (Fan/critic), I have no idea what's going on anymore. While "Lost," gets all the publicity, WAB is infinitely more complex. I wouldn't be surprised if next week Brian stumbled on a crashed airplane hatch, then started sleeping with 18 of the survivors. The only plausible explanation is that the characters of WAB are stuck in purgatory, part of a genetic experiment, or living in a parallel universe where a new widow would hire a male nanny with egregiously large caps on his teeth. And what about Jimmy's caps? Did anyone ever say, "Hey, when you get caps, they might tried to sell you on the ones that are 2 feet by 4 feet, but really a quarter inch by a quarter inch is all the tooth you need."

And will anyone ever have a heart-to-heart with Nicole about her horrible knit cap collection? "Hey, you're 44, maybe time to ditch the beret. You look like an elderly French skeleton."

At this point, the only people who could possibly relate to this show are:

• Rich widows with newborns who love hats


• Guys working in law firms who believe it's an injustice they haven't made partner yet


• Cupcake industry professionals


• People with cochlear implants


• Divorced guys who freak out at seeing their ex-wife of 17 years naked


• Anyone whose male nanny has huge caps

Scientists Add Several Sharks to Endangered Species List, Yet Somehow This Isn't Seen as a Victory

For some reason people voiced concern today on news that several sharks were added to the World Conservation Union's endangered list. Three species of shortfins, as well as the thresher mako were declared "vulnerable,"- a reminder that while we are close to finishing the job, there is still much work to be done. These sharks are only threatened with extinction, there are no guarantees, so commercial fisherman and poachers are urged to be merciless. Only by overfishing and increasing the toxicity of our shores can we defeat these heartless predators once and for all.

Britney Spears Joins Bally's® Total Rehab

After checking in and out of various rehabilitation facilities three times in the last week, pop singer, role model, and mom Britney Spears finally bit the bullet and bought a year-long membership to Bally's® Total Rehab. Bally® allows you to rehab when you feel like it, with hundreds of custom programs to fit your schedule. Work one-on-one with a personal rehab trainer, or take 45 minute group classes - it's your choice and you have total access. Bally's® has over 400 locations, perfect for the addict on the go. At just $28.95 a month, Bally's® can help you reach your sobriety goals!*


*Studies show 94% of people never use their Bally's® membership after the first day.

Whole Foods Buys Wild Oats for $565 Million; Could Have Bought Same Food at Trader Joe's for Just $288 Million

Overpriced gourmet supermarket Whole Foods went shopping today and bought overpriced gourmet supermarket Wild Oats for $565 million, even though it could have bought the exact same food at Safeway, Vons, Trader Joe's, or Stop and Shop for hundreds of millions less. "Did you even use a coupon?" one irate stockholder asked Whole Foods management. Another said, "My husband is going to kill me when he finds out how much we spent on food! Is there anyway you could pay cash to keep it off the credit card bill?"

Whole Foods acknowledged that while it may have overpaid, you'll notice everything tastes better, and the atmosphere is just so much nicer.

New Pine Sol Flavors Make Suicide a Breeze!

Pine Sol has introduced a line of delicious new flavors, in case you want to kill yourself by drinking Pine Sol. In addition to the original pine flavor (which goes down rough), there's now "Lemon Fresh," "Mountain Energy," "Orange Energy," "Sparkling Wave," and "Grape!" So move over, lye and other industrial-strength cleaners you might drink to kill yourself, and make way for flavored Pine Sol - a suicide that goes down smooth!*


*Pine Sol may also be used to clean things.

Britney Spears Leaves Rehab; Baby Drives Getaway Car

Britney Spears staged a brazen escape from Promises Rehabilitation Center this morning, diving into a getaway car driven by two year-old son Sean Preston. Wearing a black leather onesie and smoking Paul Mall unfiltereds, Britney's infant son stepped on the gas, drove donuts around two doctors, then weaved his Mini Cooper through oncoming traffic, all the while blasting the music of Pantera. The two were reportedly on their way to get matching cheetah tattooes on their foreheads.

Hollywood Super-Blogger Perez Hilton Unsure of Whose Mouth to Draw Jizz on Next

Hollywood gossip blogger Perez Hilton, whose site receives more than 5 million visits a day, is enduring an unprecedented professional crisis - he's unable to determine whose mouth to draw jizz on next. Having already defaced photos of Mischa Barton, Kate Moss (above), Wentworth Miller, Jennifer Aniston, Lindsay Lohan, etc. with Photoshopped spooge, the question becomes: do you find new pictures of mouths and draw jizz on those? Or post photos with unjizzed on mouths? With the public craving celebrity photos with jizz drawn on them, what's the next step?

HIlton asks that the public respect his privacy at this difficult time.

New Footage Shows Wife Shot JFK

One of history's great mysteries has finally been solved as new footage of President John F. Kennedy's assassination shows him being murdered in broad daylight by wife Jacqueline. In the silent 8mm film, the first lady can clearly be seen daintily removing a pistol with a glamorous mother-of-pearl handle from her cashmere handbag, aiming at her husband, pulling the trigger, throwing the pistol, grabbing the President's wallet, taking eight dollars, then bolting to a getaway vehicle. The camera then zooms in on the President who whispers, "Help, I've been mugged. She went that way." The footage puts to rest the ridiculous speculation that Kennedy was stabbed by Texas governor John Connelly as part of a botched drug deal.

MOVIE REVIEW: Norbit is Intelligent, Insightful Documentary on How to Deal with the Unwanted Love of a Fat Person

It is one of the great problems of our time: What do you do when a fat person loves you? Well of course you try to get out of it. But how? This is where "Norbit" provides a valuable service.

Eddie Murphy plays Norbit, a single skinny man who is minding his own business when he is victimized by the love of the obese Rasputia (Eddie Murphy). Unless there is another Eddie Murphy I don't know about, this Eddie Murphy does a masterful job playing both characters. Reportedly he did not even wear a fat suit to play Rasputia. Demonstrating an enormous commitment to the craft of acting, he would gain and lose 200 pounds in between each scene by binging on Roy Rogers. The movie does not address whether making love to oneself as another counts as sex or masturbation. This reviewer is still torn.

But back to how horrible it is when a fat person loves you. Instead of playing Rasputia as a stereotypically intelligent, articulate Black woman, Murphy surprises us with an unbridled display of finger-wagging and sass. Rasputia comes to life as our worst nightmare: an overweight person who believes she deserves to be happy with her husband. Just when it seems Murphy is hopelessly trapped by Rasputia's disgusting affection, he meets Kate, who mercifully isn't fat. I won't spoil the ending except to say that Norbit ends up with Kate.

"Norbit" is a unique work of art, on par with other American masterpieces such as "Soul Plane." Eddie Murphy goes for drama instead of cheap laughs. In fact, Murphy is such a great actor, we don't laugh even once, but instead cringe at how horrible it is when a fat person deigns to think of themselves as a human being worthy of any esteem whatsoever.

Go see "Norbit," and find out why the Seattle Post-Intelligencer raves, "a strange, toneless collection of fat jokes, fart jokes and foul sex gags," and the San Diego Union Tribune heralds, "...the assassination of comedy!!"

Britney Spears Reveals Yet Another Hairless Region of Her Body

First it was this:

Now it's this:

Where will Britney be bald next? (Feet?) Stay tuned!!

Jet Blue Institutes New "Flight Lottery" System

After recent difficulties left them unable to get almost a quarter of their flights off the ground JetBlue announced from here on in, all tickets will be part of a lottery - drawings will determine which flights actually take off. If you hold a winning ticket, congratulations! You will indeed be flown to Tampa. If not, sorry, please try again, but that's the only way the company can continue to offer such low fares. Delayed and cancelled flights will be referred to as "Jet Bluepers" which makes them sound more fun.

Also, instead of flying more congested routes such as Los Angeles to New York, planes will be driven on freeways at speeds of up to 30 miles per hour. The additional 10 days of flight duration will give you plenty of time to enjoy your 34 channels of DirecTV.

EXCLUSIVE "News As Gossip" Oscars PredictionsAwards Will be Given Out at Ceremony

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio, "Blood Diamond"
Ryan Gosling, "Half Nelson"
Peter O'Toole, "Venus"
Will Smith, "The Pursuit of Happyness"
Forest Whitaker, "The Last King of Scotland"

Very difficult to call since no human being on earth has seen all five of these movies. DiCaprio is definitely worthy, given “Blood Diamond”’s important message of not spending a lot of money on an engagement ring.

Ryan Gosling’s chances may be hampered by the fact that one can only view “Half Nelson” by being airlifted to a drawbridge in the Himalayan Highlands. Upon landing, you will be confronted by an orc, who will demand five gold dubloons to pass. Upon paying, you will receive a magic key and instructions to find a rare silver marigold, and then deliver the flower to a princess who lives in a cloud. The princess will show you a VHS copy she obtained from her college roommate, who is an intern at “Hunting Lane” Films.

Peter O’Toole is the sentimental favorite, and judges may be swayed by the fact that he threatened to die during the ceremony if he doesn’t win. His sudden death would create a quandary of whether to then halt the Oscars for an addendum to the “In Memorium” reel, or proceed apace and make him the first condolence of 2008.

Will Smith likely will not win for his portrayal of a man who is exactly like Will Smith only with less money and a few gray hairs.

If a man named Forest makes a movie and no one sees it, does it still exist? No.

Our pick: If you give a crap-io, it’s DiCaprio!


Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Jackie Earle Haley, "Little Children"
Djimon Hounsou, "Blood Diamond"
Eddie Murphy, "Dreamgirls"
Mark Wahlberg, "The Departed"

This category is tighter than a Nun’s asshole, and just as worthy of deep contemplation.

“Little Miss Sunshine” featured a boffo performance by Alan Arkin who believably portrayed a man who, without irony, wears a vest.

“Dateline: to Catch a Predator’s” Chris Hansen calls “Little Children” the “feel good movie of the year,” saying “Jackie Earle Haley will molest his way into your heart.” We agree.

Djimon Hounsou (Geseundheit!) will be passed over to spare Cameron Diaz the indignity of trying to pronounce his name.

Had Eddie Murphy donned a fat suit and played the Jennifer Hudson role of “Effie,” we’d love his chances. However Eddie Murphy as a man? Doesn’t work.

Mark Wahlberg will not win, but deserves accolades as the “thinking man’s Michael Rappaport.”

Our pick: Like blonde on Ellen Barkin, this award goes to Alan Arkin!



Best Actress
Penelope Cruz, "Volver"
Judi Dench, "Notes on a Scandal"
*Helen Mirren, "The Queen"
Meryl Streep, "The Devil Wears Prada"
Kate Winslet, "Little Children

“Volver” – a great performance until you realize Penelope Cruz actually can’t speak English in real life.

Dame Judi Dench’s strong acting in “Notes on a Scandal” was outshone by that terminally ill cat who somehow learned how to puke on cue.

In “The Queen” Helen Mirren ably captured all the drama inherent in wondering whether or not an elderly woman would read from a prepared statement.

Meryl Streep will win this award, then throw it in the garbage on the way back to her seat.

This is Winslet’s fifth nomination for an Academy Award. She has never won. We think this is finally the year that Winslet loses for the sixth time.

Our pick: Call us sheep, we’re voting for Streep!



Best Supporting Actress
Adriana Barraza "Babel"
Cate Blanchett, "Notes on a Scandal"
Abigail Breslin, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Jennifer Hudson, "Dreamgirls"
Rinko Kikuchi, "Babel"

Adriana Barraza can’t have done such an amazing job if Rinko Kikuchi was also nominated. Likewise Rinko Kikuchi’s “supporting” must not be so remarkable if Adriana Barraza got the Academy’s attention. Screw both of them.

Cate Blanchett – see terminally ill puking cat (above)

The Abigail Breslin robot gave a remarkable human-like performance in “Little Miss Sunshine,” but if an actress who’s 20 pounds overweight is going to win this trophy, it’s Jennifer Hudson.

Our pick: In a real humdinger, the Oscar goes to a former cruise ship singer! It won’t be “Lost on the Hudson!”

Best Animated Feature
Cars
Happy Feet
Monster House

With so many deserving losers, it’s a shame only two can be defeated.

Our pick: Oh my stars! The Oscar goes to Larry the Cable Guy and “Cars!”

Best Director
Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, "Babel"
Martin Scorsese, "The Departed"
Clint Eastwood, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
Stephen Frears, "The Queen"
*Paul Greengrass, "United 93"

“Babel” – between this movie and “Blood Diamond,” we get the point – Africa is messed up. Instead, maybe plan a vacation to Europe or the Caribbean.

“The Departed” – once again, Martin Scorcese has taken an all-star cast, an intriguing script, and created a work of art that stood head and shoulders above his peers. So of course he will not win.

“Letters From Iwo Jima” did such a good job showing the Japanese side of the war that 90% of Americans now wish we had lost World War II.

“The Queen” – Stephen Frears did a wonderful job accurately portraying just how boring the royal family is.

“United 93” somehow managed to create airborne suspense without using any snakes. For this, kudos!

Our pick: Have no Frears, I predict a “Crash”-type landing for “United 93!” For maximum enjoyment, be sure to watch back-to-back with the Oliver Stone sequel, “World Trade Center!”



Best Documentary
Deliver Us From Evil
An Inconvenient Truth
Iraq in Fragments
Jesus Camp
My Country, My Country

Our pick: Call Nelly because it’s getting “Hot in Herre!” Al Gore wins for “An Inconvenient Truth” then gives the first ever acceptance speech with PowerPoint slides.


Best Picture
Babel
The Departed
Letters from Iwo Jima Tom Hanks.
Little Miss Sunshine
The Queen

How do you say one movie is “Best” picture? Well, you would probably say, “What movie was the most popular this year? Which film did more people flock to, talk about, pay to see? What movie grabbed America the most, to the point it seemed embedded in our national DNA?” The answer is obvious, “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest” which wasn’t nominated.

Our pick: We’re getting lazy, so give it to Scorcese. “The Departed.”




Best Original Screenplay
Guillermo Arriaga, "Babel"
Iris Yamashita and Paul Haggis, "Letters From Iwo Jima"
Michael Arndt, "Little Miss Sunshine"
Guillermo del Toro, "Pan's Labyrinth"
Peter Morgan, "The Queen"

Great category, Oscars. Let’s give out awards to creative people who are so ugly, they have to write down their thoughts so we can judge them without seeing their zit-pocked faces.

Our pick: About as much fun as a hammer to your ween, yet still somehow judges vote for “The Queen.”

Best Foreign Language Film
After the Wedding
Days of Glory
The Lives of Others
Pan’s Labyrinth
Water

Our pick: None. Who the hell has time to watch foreign movies?

Best Makeup
Apocalypto
Click
*Pan’s Labyrinth

Our pick: “Apocalypto” for their groundbreaking use of “Mexicanface.”

Cheating Scandal Threatens to Make NASCAR Interesting

The mind-numbing dullness of arrogant, semi-literate bumpkins driving in a circle was briefly interrupted yesterday when Michael Waltrip's team was caught using super unleaded, now with Techron. Waltrip apologized and will be allowed to participate in the Daytona 500 as part of a crackdown designed to show that NASCAR will tolerate breaking the rules. However, if he commits any further violations, Waltrip will race the rest of the season with his wife and kids in the car with him, as well as two bicycles attached to a roof rack. Waltrip races for the Toyota team, in a Camry he rents from Hertz. The Daytona 500 is a legendary event, that combines the thrills of a traffic jam with advertising.

George Washington Clearly Pissed on New $1 Coin

The U.S. Mint released a new one dollar coin today, clearly to the chagrin of George Washington, who looks as though he'd rather be anywhere else other than on the front of it. Washington's picture was drawn by the nation's first paparazzi, who used to wait outside Ye Olde Wayside Inn with his woodblocks and India Ink, then shout at celebrities of the time, "Show me your wooden teeth! Who are thou wearing?? George! George! Take off your wig!"

Washington, the nation's first President, was famous for saying he "could not tell a lie," which is why he didn't serve a second term.

Online Dating Sites Struggle to Survive During Masturbation Boom

Once a huge growth industry, online dating sites are now struggling for survival as more and more Americans are taking matters into their own hands, literally. In a new survey, only ten percent of Internet users said they have recently browsed online personals, compared to the one hundred twenty percent who had masturbated in the last fifteen minutes. Even the CEO of Harmony.com concedes, "We are in the Golden Age of onanism. It's difficult to compete against a good Merlot, a tube sock, and a dream. Meanwhile, Match.com has countered the self-abuse craze with a promotion allowing new users to browse unlimited ads of people with lazy eyes who lie about their age. Match.com claims online dating and masturbation shouldn't be mutually exclusive, especially if you're a person who wants to cheat on his or her computer-illiterate spouse.

Nine Million Men File Class-Action Paternity Claim on Anna Nicole Smith's Baby

The lineage of $400 million baby Danielynn Smith was cast in further doubt today as a class-action paternity suit by nine million men was slapped on the estate of Anna Nicole Smith. In addition to previous claimants Howard K. Stern, Daniel Birkhead, Mr. Zsa Zsa Gabor, Alexander Denk and the corpse of oil baron J. Howard Marshall, the new nine million plaintiffs feature men from a broad swath of society including doctors, lawyers, landscapers, stuntmen, pastry chefs, fishmongers, cobblers, poet-warriors, and Supreme Court clerks. In fact, the only two men in America who have been cleared of sleeping with Anna Nicole Smith this year are Neil Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight. Lawyers are reportedly working out a settlement that would pay every man in America four dollars.

"LOST" Secret Revealed: They're All Actors on a Set in Hawaii

Tomorrow night's episode of "Lost" will answer lingering questions about the castaways once and for all. No, they're not in purgatory. No, it isn't a dream. The truth is far more pedestrian - the inhabitants of the island are actors hired by ABC to play roles in a scripted drama. "Jack" is actually an actor named "Matthew Fox." "Kate" is really a person named "Evangeline Lilly." The island isn't in the Antarctic, it's part of Hawaii. They didn't survive a plane crash; the fusillage is a prop, and the panda bears were placed there by animal wranglers. If you didn't realize this, you should feel stupid stupid.

Marty Schottenheimer Tells Chargers, "You Can't Make Me Quit, I'm Fired!"

Marty Schottenheimer left the San Diego Chargers with his pride intact this morning, getting fired before the team had a chance to make him quit. Speculation over Schottenheimer's fate began when his Chargers lost to the New England Patriots in the second round of the NFL playoffs, then continued as the coach lost four consecutive rematches in Madden '06. Schottenheimer is widely regarded as the league's top practitioner of so-called "Tantric Coaching," where a team is brought to the precipice of victory, only to have the coach pull back and consummate a loss of sweet ecstasy. Marty says he'll either coach again, or enter male beauty pageants in the "65 and up" category.

ABCnews.com Basically Thinks You're a Disgusting Pig

When you click on the story, it takes you to a page that says: "Don't answer - rhetorical question."

Dixie Chicks' Grammy Win Serves as Reminder - It Was Never Their Politics; It's Their Music That Bothers Us

As the Dixie Chicks basked in their fifth Grammy win of the night, we remembered the original reason The Dixie Chicks bother us: not politics, but music. In a typical arrangment, three yentas caterwaul about an old horse trailer on a ranch somewhere, while one of them closes her eyes to more "soulfully" stroke an unasked-for mandolin solo. Or, they take a Fleetwood Mac song that was great in the first place and destroy it by adding their trademark, "unneeded pluck and gumption." It's as if the Dixie Chicks were created by someone who thought, "What if we took the Indigo Girls, had more of them, and they didn't sing about wizards?" forgetting that what makes the Indigo Girls great is THEY ALWAYS SING ABOUT WIZARDS! (also, the fact that there's only two of them means we could probably take them in a fight). Sure, it was annoying when the Chicks went abroad and criticized the President, but only because we worried Europeans would think all liberals are country music fans by association.

The Dixie Chicks took home five awards including "Album of the Year," although it should be noted one of the other nominees was James Blunt, who came wrapped in an Armani paper bag that he couldn't sing his way out of.

Bipartisan America Ready for Obama/Cheney in 2008

Arguing that the nation is ready for a profound departure from "politics as usual," Barack Obama announced he's running for President on a ticket with current VP Dick Cheney. "You can have it all," Obama told an Illinois crowd made up primarily of young African-Americans and elderly White quail hunters. "Someone who opposes the Iraq war, and someone who initiated it. A man against abortion, and a man for it. Someone with a lesbian daughter, and someone with daughters who it's way too early to tell whether they dig chicks or not. A man who is charismatic, and a man who, well, is widely perceived as a shitheel. Keep in mind I'm not saying which of us is which. Why continue to draw these artificial lines of 'Democrat' vs. 'Republican?'"

When reached for comment, Cheney said he's not sure he wants to serve again, although he's definitely into the fundraising part.

EDITORIAL: Anna Nicole Smith's Death Teaches Us Just How Small Our Problems in Iraq Really Are

At times such as these, the word that comes to mind is, "Perspective." It takes a tragedy of this magnitude to make us realize that all the fighting over Iraq these past few years - the U.S. vs. insurgents, Sunnis vs. Shiites, Democrats vs. Republicans - is so petty in the grand scheme of things. Our hyperfocus on the MidEast and this damned war has blinded us to the beauty all around us in the form of reality stars and spokesmodels. Sure, as CNN.com says (ABOVE), maybe, "The U.S. Has Evidence of Iran Aiding Iraq Fighters." Maybe the "Pentagon Iraq Intelligence Report is 'Damning.'" But to this cub reporter, it all sounds like so much jejune jibber-jabber. Thank you, Anna Nicole, for making us realize what real tragedy is. At the end of the day, our problems are indeed small.

TrimSpa Works, Just Not the Way You'd Hope

Striking while the iron is hot, Trimspa is using the death of spokeswoman Anna Nicole Smith to highlight the effectiveness of their product. In a statement on their website, Trimspa says, "While we mourn the passing of a dear friend, we are consoled by the fact that, in death, she continues to lose weight. If anything, more rapidly than in life. We hope this comforts friends, families, and most of all, clients. The greatest tribute we can pay Anna Nicole is to keep popping methamphetamine substitutes in the hopes of offsetting the effects of binge-eating. Trimspa - you will lose weight! (Not necessarily while alive, but hey! You want to be skinny, right?)

Rolling Stones to Release Collection of "Greatest Misses"

Celebrating an incredible 25 years of crap music, the Rolling Stones will release a comprehensive box-set collection of "Greatest Misses." Who couldn't forget such non-classics as "Sleep Tonight" and "Had It With You" (off "Dirty Work"), "Hearts for Sale" (off "Steel Wheels"), "The Worst New Faces" ("Voodoo Lounge"), "Gun Face," "Flip the Switch" ("Bridges to Babylon"), "Too Tough" ("Undercover"), and "Let Me Down" ("A Bigger Bang")? The set will also contain five non-definitive live versions of "Going to a Go-Go." There's track after track of Rolling Stones songs you only heard once, in one convenient place - all the music that if they played at Altamont, you'd stab yourself. So rush out and take your Rascal, not your wheelchair, to go buy the Rolling Stones' "Greatest Misses" on 19 cassettes.

Acting Now Could Delay Global Climate Apocalypse By 3 Years

On the heels of a UN report that man-made global warming could lead to a catastrophe of unprecedented proportions, top scientists are urging swift action to delay the calamitous destruction by three years. A panel of Nobel-losing climatologists, meteorologists and beauty pageant contestants proposes that by switching from coal to wind power and gasoline to ethanol, we could postpone the melting of arctic glaciers, rising seas, and tsunamis to a time when people's schedules are a lot more clear. No less a source than Al Gore chimed in, "Piecemeal stopgap measures are the only way to slightly delay the inevitable reckoning that will destroy us, our children, and our children's children. If the United States adopts the precepts of the Kyoto Protocol, future roving bands of extremist, tribal looters will judge us as slightly more intelligent than they otherwise would have."

Church Declares Rev. Haggard "Completely Heterosexual" After Determining He Didn't Enjoy Gay Sex That Much

Former top evangelical leader Rev. Ted Haggard breathed a sigh of relief whenfour ministers determined he's "Completely Heterosexual" after spending three weeks analyzing Haggard's man-on-man trysts. Rev. Tim Ralph told the Denver Post, "His only contact came with one male prosititute, and Ted repeatedly assured us he didn't enjoy the sex that much. By his own account, he just lay there, while this gay fella did all sorts of stuff to him. During multiple three or four hour sodomy sessions, Ted had plenty of time to contemplate his level of satisfaction with the act, and after months of sex, he realized he could pretty much just take it or leave it - which, as we all know is the standard for heterosexuality set forth in the Bible."

Gay leaders countered that Haggard's prostitute was simply a bad lay.

Attempted Murder Yet Another NASA Mission Gone Wrong

The Space Shuttle keeps shedding tiles, the Hubble telescope is broken, and now beleaguered NASA can't even get a simple murder done right. In yet another high profile flop, Lisa Nowak was arrested after attacking fellow astronaut and romantic rival Colleen Shipman with pepper spray. Nowak's dizzying incompetence, in spite of extensive budget, preparation time, and the element of surprise, was yet another dismal public failure for an agency that has become synonymous with lost rovers and bone-jarring explosions. A baffled American public is wondering: Seriously, how hard is it to beat someone senseless? What about sodium pentathol? Have you ever heard of a knife? Or what about waiting until you're in Low Earth Orbit and pulling the old, "Sorry-I-Didn't-Realize-You-Were-Spacewalking-When-I-Cut-The-Cord" routine?

Both women were reportedly competing for the affection of astrounaut Bill Oefelein, which shows that the Orlando singles scene is a thin broth indeed.

Anne Heche's Husband Can't Believe She Left Him for a Man

With his marriage to star Anne Heche likely over, husband Coley Laffoon is astounded she's taken up with co-star James Tupper, a man. "Seriously, has anyone googled this woman?" Laffoon asked no one in particular. "Do me a favor, google, 'Anne Heche' and 'Ellen' and see what comes up. Half a million results! And all the sudden I'm supposed to believe our relationship wasn't the anomaly! I mean, I always knew this marriage was a sham, but not this particular sham. Hell, at least give me credit for converting her."

Anne Heche dated talk show host Ellen DeGeneris throughout the 1990s, back before that trend was played out. Heche currently stars in ABC's "Men in Trees," a show about people who wear plaid shirts.

Steve Bartman Blames Rex Grossman

Chicago Cubs superfan Steve Bartman believes there's only one person to blame for Sunday's devastating Bears' Super Bowl loss - quarterback Rex Grossman. "How do you fumble not just one, but two snaps?" Bartman asks while adjusting his bulletproof vest as we meet in an underground Evanston, IL parking garage. "A snap is something you practice all year! I mean, it's not like a fan reached out from the stands and deflected the ball. And those two interceptions were both underthrown! Believe me, I know something about how hard it is to catch a ball in traffic with a stadium full of people watching. You can't pin that on the wide receivers. Rex Grossman cost us a championship, and people should focus on that, instead of this whole '2003 Cubs' thing."

African-American Coach Loses Super Bowl

Lost amidst the hype of Tony Dungy becoming the first African-American head coach to win a Super Bowl when his Indianapolis Colts beat the Chicago Bears 29-17 was the fact that Lovie Smith became the first African-American head coach to lose a Super Bowl. The yin to Tony Dungy's other yin, Smith had to overcome the insurmountable obstacle of having Rex Grossman frequently touch the ball. Though elated by his win, Dungy seemed equally disappointed by Smith's loss. "It seems for every step we take ahead, we take a step back. Here I go out and do an amazing service to the African-American community by winning the Super Bowl, and Lovie goes and squanders that work by losing the Super Bowl."

For his part, Smith took the high road and refused to blame the loss on anything other than the horrendous play of Rex Grossman. Labeling his quarterback, "The Meltdown Kid" Smith fumed about, "Balls my grandmother could have thrown better," then proved the sentiment true by trotting out his grandmother to throw crisp 30-yard crossing routes.

Meanwhile, a victory celebration in Indianapolis stretched almost until 8 PM.

Super Bowl Ads Prove CareerBuilder.com Either Horribly Mismanaged or Laundering Money

By brazenly running three Super Bowl ads when they blatantly have no stream of revenue, CareerBuilder.com has made it clear they are either a front for something else, or run by an eccentric corporate sadist. What are they a front for? Who knows? But when the company's only source of income is unemployed people, how else can they afford it? Is it coincidence that half their job postings are for "organizations" seeking "assassins" and applicants "must own black leather jackets and velvet track suits?" Or that those working in "pharmaceuticals" are told that salary is "Commensurate with how much rock ya sling?" Or that their customer service hotline is a pager number? If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's a duck. Unless it's a goose, which is very similar. Someone get me Roger Tory Peterson's "A Field Guide to Birds" and I'll tell you which it is.

Parade Magazine Presents Julia Roberts as You've Always Seen Her!

This week Parade Magazine captures a side of Julia Roberts you've seen before: a happy Mom, a hard-working actress, a dedicated wife, and a great smile. In a tepid non-exclusive, Julia leads with a bunch of palaver about her twins, then moves on to praise Richard Gere for his work in a movie twelve years ago. Parade also uses adjectives to describe her like "Bright," "Content," and "Casual," and slyly notes her, "Mona Lisa Smile." In addition to the poor-man's Marmaduke "Howard Huge," and several ads for plates and coins commemorating NASCAR events, this issue of Parade is also packed with:

• An "All-Holds-Barred" Interview with Mariska Hargitay


• 10 Ways to Cook with Lemon that You Already Knew About!


• How Stress Can Effect You (and It's Not all Positive!)


• Marilyn Vos Savant Solves a Junior High School Level Word Problem!


• Fashion Focus on...Mittens!

Boston Police Save City from Lite Brite

Boston was paralyzed by terror yesterday as bomb squads dismantled Lite Brite toys left at 38 locations around the city. Mayor Thomas Menino told reporters the signs, "Looked like a bomb," continuing, "For years, we know Al Quaeda and other organizations have been trying to obtain explosives powered by D-cell batteries with cartoon characters on the front. Agents in Karachi believe these evildoers may have even gone so far as purchasing silkscreens of Bob the Builder." A major anti-terror sweep continued througout the night with SWAT teams going door-to-door to seize copies of the board game "Operation."

The new face of terror