You may remember a few months ago News As Gossip was the first to alert you this:
Well, MSNBC.com's unparalleled "Sperm Bureau" has uncovered another blockbuster:
Alert to all those Moms who want to think about their son's sperm - here's your big chance!! Glad you positioned that headline above the less relevant news on climate change. While we finish engraving your Pulitzer, let's zoom in and scroll down to:
The "son's sperm" / "panda porn" headline convergence...more rare than a lunar eclipse, and more beautiful.
MSNBC.com - where more Americans get their sperm and panda sex news than any other source.
An autopsy of Anna Nicole Smith shows the cause of death was not Ebola, as previously thought, but rather the most beloved American even was murdered by infant daughter Dannielynn. A coroner's examination shows several hundred baby-size stab wounds on the cadaver - presumably necessitating the handfuls of Percocet, methadone, Triaminic, and Flintstone vitamins taken by the deceased. Police are unsure of the motive, but suspect a land deal gone bad. Dannielynn's six fathers say they're shocked and intend to get to the bottom of this when they return from their individual vacations, some time in 2009.
Me: Thank you for sitting down with us. I love those pumps!
Sanjaya: (airy whisper)
Me: Speak up. Wow, you're really, "San-shy-a." Get it???
Sanjaya: (breathy meandering during which I believe he said something about "overstock.com" and "candy corn")
Me: My daughter loves you. I like to say she has "Malakar-pal Tunnel Syndrome."
Sanjaya: Thank you.
Me: I'm kidding. I don't have a daughter. And if I did, she wouldn't be allowed to love you. Her chastity would be my number one priority.
(Sanjaya cries tears of joy and love and wipes them dry with his bangs)
Me: I love your smile. Where does it come from?
Sanjaya: Botox and Paxil.
(For 19 minutes I'm lost in Sanjaya's eyes. He sees through my petty arrogance and shame... all my defenses are broken and I quake with a sublime purging of ecstasy and sorrow. I experience as pure a communion with another human soul as I have ever known. This reverie is broken when Sanjaya's cellphone rings. It's his bookie. He places bets on several WNBA games.)
Me: Why do you think you had so much trouble with "Ain't No Mountain High Enough?"
Sanjaya: Probably because I can only sing what I believe to be true. And as I was singing, I started thinking there is a mountain high enough to keep me away from you – Mount Everest. And I started to think maybe the song should go, "There's only one Mountain high enough / to keep me away from you / and that’s Mount Everest / but don't worry because it's in Nepal / and I can't foresee a situation in which you would be on one side of Mount Everest and I would be on the other / and even if that happened I would rent a sherpa / and attempt the summit / but with oxygen, not recklessly / like they did in that book "Into Thin Air" by Jon Krakauer.
Me: Who are your greatest musical influences?
Sanjaya: A drill press. Kevin Covais. Newt Gingrich.
Tomorrow: Sanjaya tells us the inside scoop on Randy and gives us five tips for how he'd makeover Muqtada Al-Sadr!!
According to a new poll, only 43% of Iraqis want a democratic system while a majority supports a strongman, and similar percentages don't want to vote even in polls. Solar Mohamed Ali, a Shiite woman, spoke for most when she said, "If only we had a leader like Saddam who would decide polls for us, our newspapers wouldn't be filled with so many meaningless, confusing statistics. Like the old paper used to say, 'Percentage who thinks Meredith should hook up with McDreamy - 100%, McSteamy - 0%.' But now with everyone voting, the numbers aren't as round."
This cultural disinterest in participating may explain why the TV show "Iraqi Idol," has been such a flop. As of this writing, it's been six days since the last show and no one has called in to vote.
Are you excited to see a one-legged British gold-digger attempt a rhumba? ABC thinks you are. You're probably wondering, "Heather Mills? That British lady? She seems pretty bad, but I never think about her, because I'm American." But ABC thinks you're wondering, "How did they ever get that British lady on TV? I can't wait to see her because I'm so into all British things like Robbie Williams and Jamiroquai."
You're probably thinking, "Isn't the show called 'Dancing with the Stars?' How does having been married to someone famous qualify you as a star?" But ABC thinks you're thinking, "Anyone who knows anyone famous is also a star, and thanks to this 'transitive star property' I would by inference like to see anyone I've ever heard of or read about attempt to dance."
So watch "Dancing with the Stars," and fall in love with the woman who's made one of the world's great musicians totally miserable.
Thanks a lot, Khalid Sheikh Mohammad. You're a dick.
Vice President Dick Cheney says he strongly opposes a Democratic plan to end the war in Iraq because, "Any measure helping the troops undermines the troops." Cheney believes that, "Troops thrive only when they know they are stuck in a prolonged, intractable conflict that will only end with checking into a filthy, understaffed health center for inadequate medical care. By supporting our troops, it sends the enemy the message that we are somewhat wise and/or compassionate and lenient, which can only hurt our operations in the field." Cheney urges Americans to stand up and oppose any measure to bring comfort to our friends or enemies.
While opponents accuse Cheney of talking out of both sides of his mouth, Cheney insists he only talks out of the right side, for medical reasons.
*which is not that strong
"What About Brian?" has become the invalid neighbor you once had sympathy for, but he abused your kindness to the point where you wish he would move into assisted living. "Why am I always running errands for him?" you might ask yourself. "Where is his family? I don't even like him. He's so...negative. When did I sign up to be a caretaker?" Well relax, you are not alone. I have taken the responsibility of watching the show and reporting the lowlights:
NBC's "Dateline" was forced to catch and release a predator yesterday after the New Jersey State Gaming and Fish Commission determined the predator was too small.
Since sexual predators are fairly endangered, "Dateline" was obliged to release Lorenzo DeSimone, of Atlantic City back into his natural habitat of a dank basement with dial-up Internet so he could potentially breed and create a bigger catch next season. New Jersey's predator population has declined precipitiously in the last five years, so any predators caught must measure larger than 5'9" 160 lbs. or be thrown back. "Dateline's" Chris Hansen says he doesn't object, since he mostly catches the predators "for sport."
In a coup that has rocked the publishing world, Harper Collins has signed Jenna Bush's ghostwriter to author a book about AIDS. "The President's daughter has always had a strong interest in sitting next to someone who's writing a book," White House Press Secretary Tony Snow told reporters. "We couldn't be prouder that Jenna is getting credit for being an author.
The book will describe Jenna's encounter with a 17 year-old single mother living with HIV in Panama, and how Jenna is glad she's not her. Other interesting facts about the book:
Social workers were pleasantly surprised yesterday to learn of a two year-old prodigy with the pot-smoking skills of someone nine times his age. In a video posted on YouTube, the toddler already shows remarkable inhalation capacity as well as advanced bogarting skills. He is described by experts as having "Cheech-like potential."
The boy is being supplied by his uncle, but don't worry, the boy's mother defends the uncle's behavior saying, "I know he don't mean to never hurt my children." The uncle also, "Doesn't never not mean to ungive the baby non-cocaine."
Marijuana is often referred to as "The ultimate babysitter," for its ability to sedate your child while you're at a movie.
According to the Washington Post, the Bush Administration has no Plan B for Iraq, mostly because there is also no Plan A. The Joint Chief of Staff has instead decided to start with "Plan Z," then work his way backward up the alphabet. Reportedly "Plan X" involves completely burying hostile regions of the country in mounds of pistachio ice cream.
The latest initiative called, "Operation Wing It" involves randomly dispersing 21,500 additional U.S. troops to regions where they may or may not be helpful then calling anyone who opposes the operation "weak-willed." Also, the public will be told that "war isn't pretty," a point which will then be proven by a completely incoherent strategy.
"Black Snake Moan" is a moving tale about the scourge of Nymphomania and the hope for a cure. Christina Ricci plays Rae, a woman who can't get enough sex. She wants sex so much, she's willing to go almost any length to get it, including asking for it. After a Jdate gone horribly wrong, she's left for dead in the middle of the street, where she's found by Lazarus, a blues musician played by Samuel R. Jackson.
Lazarus instantly chains Rae to a radiator to cure her. There is a long history of blues musicians chaining nymphomaniacs to radiators to replace their insatiable desire for sex with a love of meandering guitar solos. During the 1960s, B.B. King reportedly had up to fifteen nymphomaniacs chained to radiators at any given time. Unfortunately, he then moved into a place with central heat, stranding hundreds of nymphomaniacs.
I was moved to tears thinking of all the nymphomaniacs I could cure, if only I had a big enough radiator and a long enough chain. In fact, the government should look into building a giant radiator to which we could chain all of the nation's nymphomaniacs, and cure them, once and for all. I think Hillary Clinton has proposed this, but I'm not sure.
I wasn't the only one who loved this movie (but not so much I need a blues musician to chain me to a radiator). I witnessed several audience members with one hand tapping their seat, and the other one down their pants.
This movie is best seen with children, so if you don't have kids of your own, borrow one!
I was going to say, "Run, don't walk," to see "Black Snake Moan," but instead I'll say, "Take a light jog to see this movie, or run, then walk in intervals until you arrive at the theater.
And best of all, "Black Snake Moan" is not that racist, so you won't feel so bad afterwards. If you can only see one movie this weekend, I'd recommend you take your "Wild Hog" to "Black Snake Moan!!"
While most celebrities are public about the work they do for charity, many go unheralded because they’re too humble to take credit for their good works. Here is an exclusive look at some of these unsung heroes, and the causes they support.
Paris Hilton
Active in the “War on Fugs”
Naomi Campbell
Works with soon-to-be battered women
Carson Daly
On hunger strike, unclear why
Cameron Diaz
Lobbies for the deregulation of “Blood Diamonds”
Ben Affleck
Chairman, “People Who Pretend to Understand Global Warming”
Jessica Simpson
Fighting for higher thread-count towels in spas
Fergie
Urinates on self to raise awareness for tsunami victims
Tim Gunn
Teaches snooty accents to at-risk youth
A middle school principal accused of selling methamphetamine from his office says the accusations aren't true - a denial that was deemed toothless because he's...well...toothless. Principal John Acerra maintains he's innocent, gumming the words, "I swear on my seven pitbulls, I am not a meth dealer, and I will prove my innocence on Judge Hatchett."
Sadly, surveillance footage proveshis promises are as empty as his mouth. Students reportedly became suspicious after they were sent to the principal's office, and there was a bathtub in it.
The stock market continued to act like some crazy, fickle bitch today dropping 200 points, then regaining the loss, before finally breaking down in tears and screaming, "I have no idea what I want, but it's not this!" When you put your hand on the market's shoulder to comfort it, it shrieked, "Don't touch me!"
The Dow is blaming the loss on you, because if you weren't buying and selling all the time but instead actuallylistened to what it's saying for one second, maybe it wouldn't act so crazy. Investment analysts say part of the problem is you and the market trying to regain the magic of how things were a year ago when it's clear both parties have moved on and no longer be involved. Meanwhile, commodities have been working out lately and are looking awfully good.
