In a scandal that threatens to restore some respectibility to Washington, Jeane Palfrey a.k.a "The DC Madam," a.k.a "The Deputy Secretary of Whores," has vowed to name her clients - a list which shockingly, does not include Senator Ted Kennedy.
Who did go to hookers? Everyone else.
Another shocker...Palfey's biggest customer? Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
Rosie O'Donnell announced today she's quitting "The View" leaving some huge combat boots to fill. A year ago O'Donnell replaced Star Jones, who until then, many thought was the worst human being on TV. Rosie says negotiations broke down because ABC wanted her for three years but she only wanted one year, which makes no sense if you think about it.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck is excited she'll finally be able to hear herself not think. Joy's reaction was limited to eating the seeds placed in front of her.
It's a question millions look down at their wrists and ask themselves everyday: What Would Jesus Do?
One thing that's pretty clear is that he wouldn't have worn a bracelet. For one thing, in Jesus' time, it was difficult to get a bracelet. Also, everyone had so much time on their hands, it was rare for anyone to use an abbreviation like "WWJD." A third thing - it's no secret Jesus was broke. He probably needed that money for falafel.
You can avoid this look, which I call "Iggy Flop," with the following 8 easy steps:
(Mel Gibson, Isaiah Washington, Michael Richards, and Don Imus each spend tens of thousands of dollars on public relations after making ill-advised remarks. Now you can enjoy all the fun of rehabilitating yourself for free from the comfort of your own halfway house! Simply fill in the blanks, read into a camera, and post on YouTube)
On Tuesday, I made a casual comments that all ________s are __________ especially Ben Kingsley, Iman, and Shia LeBouef. When asked to apologize, I refused and added that those _________ who demanded I stop using the word ________ can ____________ a Jewish donkey's ___________.
I thought it was clear I was joking, but after reaction by ___________, ____________, and Al Sharpton, I realize these remarks are not funny at all. I am not a ______________. I have several friends who are _____________. And I work with a charity that gives ____________to orphaned ______________, even Latina ones.
I know I ___________ed up. After talking to my ___________, my ___________, and Matt Lauer, I realize these comments are offensive to a vast majority of hook-nosed _____________. You have to realize, I'm not a __________ person. I'm simply addicted to ____________, which when cut with ____________ and injected with ______________, gives you a tremendous high but makes you really suspicious of bisexual ____________.
I will be checking into ____________ rehab facility to deal with this ______________ addiction. I know you will forgive me in time for the release of "National Treasure 2." Thank you.
Everyone was still upset today over a curmedgeonly old woman calling a group of she-men, "nappy-headed hoes." As the public flogging continued, Mrs. Don Imus was forced to pretend to apologize on the radio show of a conk-haired anti-Semitic snake-oil salesman. Imus' comments were an affront to everyone from unfunny obese talkshow hosts, to self-righteous self-serving parasites, to manly women, to womenly men, to manly men and womenly women.
Several groups were calling to Imus to be immolated at the stake, while cooler heads said he should merely be shot in the foot, then castrated. Still others are saying we should compromise and do both. Either way, this is the worst thing to ever happen in the history of everything.
There are basic rules of life: Don't be greedy. Take only what you need. Make sure everyone gets one before you go back for seconds.
And yet Angelina Jolie continues to trot the globe adopting babies, without asking anyone if they would like to help themselves to a baby first. In fact, just days after adopting a Vietnamese boy named Pax, the actress wants to steal another baby from the nation of Chad. Well you know what?? MAYBE SOMEONE ELSE WANTS A BABY. Maybe you're not the only one who wants to change diapers, buy diapers, throw out diapers, and spank human beings who are smaller than themselves. It's downright rude to take four when so many people don't even have one.
Just yesterday I went down to my local Banana Republic to buy some pants manufactured by children in Asia and they said they were "all out." "All out" of pants! Because there were no more skilled, small-handed, non-union toddlers to manufacture them. And what's your answer, "Asian nations should have more sex." Well you know what? They're sexing themselves as much as they can! They're burnt out! Maybe you should get by with just three foreign babies. Learn some manners, Angelina Jolie. Learn some damn manners.
When the government charged some of Jackson Hewitt's 125 tax preparation centers with fraud, little did they realize this would signal to consumers that the best place to have your taxes done is Jackson Hewitt. Millions of Americans realized, why go to those squares at H&R Block with their fastidious bean-counting and receipts when Jackson Hewitt will get you the refund you've always dreamed of but don't deserve? If you're going to cheat the government - and we all know you are - go to the professionals, Jackson Hewitt.
As the world awaits the results of Dannielynn Smith's paternity DNA test, Howard K. Stern concedes he is not the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby because he is, in fact, a virgin. Stern told "The Insider's" Lara Spencer (filling in for Pat O'Brien who was busy chasing a lead about an 800 pound shut-in), "I kept making bolder and bolder lies about the baby to cover up for the fact that I've never had sex. I've never even kissed a girl. I came close once in sixth grade, and little did I know that would be the best shot I would ever have. I never thought they'd ask for a paternity test. I mean, look at me: I wear a suit. I'm a mentsch. Who would think that Anna Nicole was nine-timing with paparazzi and a gaggle of elderly men?"
Stern went on to praise the platonic friendship of beautiful vapid women saying it's better than hanging out with other lawyers.
