Kobe Bryant Demands Trade to Lakers

In a move that caused a ripple of confusion across the National Basketball Association today, Kobe Bryant unleashed a tirade against management in which he demanded a trade to the Los Angeles Lakers. "There's no long term plan in place. The Lakers need to bring in a real superstar, maybe a 6'6" shooting guard who's capable of involving his teammates. The problem this year was we had one guy taking all the shots. He'd hog the ball and put up big numbers, and we'd lose again. Until we get rid of that guy, I don't see how we're going to win."

Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak says it's unlikely he can make a Kobe-for-Kobe trade fit under the salary cap.

Palmolive.com Doris Roberts Banner Ad Reaches Target Audience of No One

In a historic first, something on the Internet has gone "Anti-Viral." Palmolive.com's new banner ads featuring Doris Roberts have set of a non-frenzy of epic proportions. Website traffic reports are saying it's, "The opposite of a 'Sig Alert'," reporting a grand total of zero click throughs from Web users between the ages of four and ninety-nine. Meanwhile, those over 99 are saying, "What's the 'World Wide Web??' Is there a giant spider?"

Congress to Waterboard Alberto Gonzales Until He Remembers

After recent testimony in which Attorney General Alberto Gonzales repeatedly could not remember whether or not he ordered the firing of Democratic prosecutors, Congress has realized they have ways of making him remember - ways approved of by Mr. Gonzales himself. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi explained:

We'll begin by shipping him off to Guantanamo Bay in Cuba where he'll stand for forty straight hours in a 50 degree cell. Electrodes will be attached to his nipples, then a car battery. If he still can't remember, waterboarding is a great - and conveniently now, legal - option. Our last resort is a brutal beating, followed by a Diane Lane film festival.

"The Insider" Pat O'Brien Presents More of the Best of Pat O'Brien

Dogs to Barker: "Thanks so Much for the Daily 35 Year Campaign to Lop Off Our Genitals"

As Bob Barker prepares for retirement from "The Price is Right," he's receiving tributes from all over. But one group not so bubbly about the host's legacy are dogs. "For all his supposed dignity and class, the one thing that stands out for me is his crusade to chop off my penis," said Rufus, a shih tzu. "I mean, what is this freakin' guy's problem? Do I go on and on every day on national TV about his wang??"

These sentiments by seconded by 100% of cats, one of whom said, "Thanks for nothing. I mean that literally. I look between my legs, and there's nothing. Because my owner watches you every day, and every day you reminded her to have me neutered."

AMA Changes Name of "Athlete's Foot" to "Moldy-Ass Lazy-Man's Disease"

After an exhaustive 15 year study, the American Medical Association has recategorized "Athlete's Foot" to more accurately describe the ailment. It's now "Moldy-Ass Lazy-Man's Disease."

The study's conclusion is as shocking as it is definitive.

"Quite simply, the data reveals that very few people suffering from Athlete's Foot are athletes or even athletic. In most cases, they are torpid individuals with reprehensible podiatric hygiene. As such, we no longer feel compelled to mask the vile nature of their toe-jam with a lofty-sounding euphemism. From here on in, let us shine the harsh spotlight of accuracy on their filthy, decaying tootsies."

Did I Mention 9/11? by Rudy Giuliani

Why should you vote for me? Remember 9/11? It's something I love talking about, and something people love being reminded of. On that day, everything changed. It's important for me to interject 9/11 into every debate, speech, and interview because..well...it just is.

I talk about 9/11 because I don't want to be like one of those bands that plays the new stuff when the crowd wants to hear their greatest hits.

The problem with many of my opponents is they don't mention 9/11 enough. John McCain wants to talk about Iraq. What does that have to do with 9/11? And abortion? Sorry I was too busy on 9/11 to think about that. Where do I stand on Alberto Gonzales? Plain and simple: 9/11.

If I had to boil my campaign down to two words, it would be, "Nine" and "Eleven." If I had to boil it down to one word, it would be, "Nine," - I'd hope that you'd figure out that was shorthand for 9/11.

Finally, in conclusion, 9/11.

Republican Presidential Hopeful Fred Thompson Tough on Pretend Crime

If "Law and Order" actor Fred Thompson decides to seek the Republican Presidential nomination, he has a good shot, thanks to his tough record on pretend crime. As District Attorney Arthur Branch, Thompson has prosecuted scores of New York's most notorious fake criminals, from mobsters, to murderers, to rapists. No other potential nominee can match his experience, even Rudy Giuliani, whose experience is limited to real criminals.

Meanwhile, Democrats, fearful of a potential Thompson campaign, are urging a run by "CSI: Miami's" Horatio Caine.

Shoplifters Make Off with "I'm a Shoplifter" Signs

When Alabama Judge Kenneth Robertson Jr. ordered two convicted shoplifters to stand outside the store with signs reading, "I AM A THIEF I STOLE FROM WALMART," it seemed like a good idea at the time. Cut two: hours later, both the shoplifters and signs are gone, with no witnesses, leaving investigators stumped. The trail has gone cold, and at this point the signs have likely been sold in the lucrative and cutthroat sandwich board black market.

Cocaine-Fueled Fire Ravages Hollywood Hills

Over 600 acres of Hollywood's Griffith Park continue to burn as a wildfire high on Peruvian Marching Powder spreads throughout the region. The fire reportedly hopes to make its way to the nightclub Hyde by this evening, making the celebrity hotspot even hotter. The fire reportedly does not care whether or not it's on the list - it's coming in anyway. If Joe Francis is around, he should meet it there.

Pat O'Brien Presents the Best of Pat O'Brien, Redux

President Bush's Approval Rating Soars to 28%

With high gas prices, an impending housing bust and an intractable war, President Bush's approval rating has skyrocketed to a two-year high of 28 percent. Bush's support remains strongest among masochists and people with extremely low self-esteem. Supporters point to the fact that it's been almost two years since a major American city has been buried underwater with no federal assistance.

None of "Time" Magazine's 100 Most Influential People Read "Time"

They're the 100 most influential people alive today, and what do they have in common? None of them read "Time" Magazine. From DiCaprio to Schwarzenneger, Barack Obama to Tyra Banks, the universal hallmark of these movers and shakers is that they realize "Time" hasn't been relevant since 1998. In fact, an analysis of subscription roles shows the average "Time" reader is a dead person who hasn't cancelled their credit cards. When reached for comment Steve Jobs said, "They still publish that thing? Well why the hell would they do that?"

Molestors Accidentally Almost Score with Miss America

A group of lucky child molestors got the thrill of a lifetime last week when Miss America posed as sexual bait and lured them with dirty Internet chats. "Little did I know that by trolling teen chat rooms, I'd one day get to meet Miss America," said a pederast who identified himself only as "Curtis." "For a sexual predator like myself, this was a complete home run. Sure she's a little old for me, but still I mean - she is Miss America."

Miss America will likely be unable to testify against the men, however, due to a schedule heavy with mall appearances.

Arcade Fire Hype Lives Up to Hype

When Arcade Fire released their debut album "Funeral" in 2004, music critics generated some of their best hype in years.

E! Online called "Funeral", "An emotionally wracked masterpiece, drawing on immaculate influences like the Pixies and Talking Heads while sounding distinctly original."

"Rolling Stone" raved, "Funeral aches with elegiac intensity. "

Blender said the album, "...reveals added nuance with every listen," while DotMusic gushed, “'Funeral' is the sort of perfectly-realised record you’d hope from a band at the top of their game. For a debut release it’s unmatched in recent years."

No less vaunted a source than "No Ripcord" rhapsodized, "Not only are the songs uniformly excellent, they also show a mastery of the art of controlled dynamics, of tension and release, that most young bands ignore to pursue the catharsis of sustained intensity."

So when Arcade Fire released the album "Neon Bible," it was only natural to wonder whether the critics would suffer a sophomore slump. After three years, could the hype possibly live up to the hype? In a business where meaningless encomiums so often degenerate into substantive critiques, critics stepped up and delivered a laudatory jack session normally reserved exclusively for Clive Owen performances.

The Onion jizzed, "Through Neon Bible, the band is seemingly sending a beacon to other reasonable people forced underground by the world's insanity. It's almost like a musical version of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged."

Hot Press pompously adjusted their monocle and wrote, "So, Funeral was by no means a fluke. The Arcade Fire are unquestionably the real deal. And to prove it they’ve now thrown in another contender for ‘best record of the decade’."

No less vaunted a source than "No Ripcord" rhapsodized, "The music is beautiful, spiritual, intense, fun and, as Lester Bangs once called the Clash, righteous."

Trouser Press spunked, "A rewarding, resonant album, Neon Bible ranks among the best indie rock recordings of all time," and even the normally staid Boston Globe wanked, "Not quite of this world and not quite over the edge, these earthy, epic songs aren't meant to save us, only to supply some monumental crescendos and a wide-screen view on the way down."

So buy "Neon Bible," and find out why everyone is so in love with themselves.

"The Insider" Pat O'Brien Once Again Presents "The Insider" Pat O'Brien