May I Please Shit in Peace?by Senator Larry Craig

So yes, I shit like a windmill. Cat's out of the bag on that one. I flail my arms and splay my legs, airplane my head real low and strain every muscle in my body. Now you know.

I take a wide stance, sometimes so wide it results in me inadvertantly having sex with other people. I guess I should take Ex-Lax. I guess I should get more fiber. Woulda, coulda, shoulda. At the end of the day, all I want now is to be able to shit in peace.

I've fielded all the questions and answered as honestly as I can. OK, sometimes between stalls I wave semaphore flags to distract from how hard I'm pushing. Other times, I play techno music and light fireworks. Is that really so weird? Do we really have nothing else to talk about?

Constipation is no laughing matter. For those who have resorted to cruising for sex, you know what I'm talking about. When I heard about them drilling for those miners in Utah, I was wondering if perhaps the same technology might be applied to loosen my bowels. Desperate times call for desperate measures. It's easy for you to get on your high horse when you just had a satisfying poop ten minutes ago. For me, it's much more difficult, because my stomach is full.

So now that I've answered your questions, may I please enter this stall, stack my luggage by my feet, close the door and do whatever it is I need to do? Thank you. And before you leave, does anyone have a match?

Beckham Bringing the Excitement of Injuries to America

Soccer star David Beckham's $250 million agreement with the L.A. Galaxy has so far been a boffo success, with the star bringing all the dynamism of nagging injuries to the U.S. Soccer is sure to become increasingly popular as more and more peoplewatch a guy who's married to someone who was once briefly famous sit on a bench with his lower joints taped. Everywhere you go, American youths are "bending their knees like Beckham," in order to rip their ligaments and watch their teammates run around while they rest comfortably. Beckham says he intends to stay until he refashions soccer from a mildly unpopular sport into a widely hated one.

Idaho Senator: "I'm Not Gay...Yet"

Idaho Senator Larry Craig fought back the scandalmongers of "Toiletgate" today insisting, "I'm not gay, at least right now." Craig elaborated on his defense that he tends to take a "wide stance" in the toilet that is often misconstrued as cruising for gay sex. "I am always experimenting with my 'shit berth,'" Craig told colleagues, "And innovators are often misunderstood. Sometimes I support myself with just one leg, like a pelican. At other times, I have tried holding both legs off the floor, in the so-called 'cannonball' position. I'm developing another poop-pose I call 'restless Buddha.'"

"Oh, and one other thing - I thought the person in the next stall was a chick, or at least a transsexual."

President Bush to New Orleans: "I'm Behind You 40%"

President Bush commemorated the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina with a moment of silence saying that what the region needs most right now is silence, especially in short spurts. "We will do whatever it takes and stay as long as it takes to get this city back to almost half of what it was," Bush told any Black person who would listen. Maybe we could change the French Quarter to the 'French Eighth,' and that would save a little dough." The President also said he intends to get the city back on its feet with Social Security reform and looser gun laws.

Republican Senator Solicits Pork Project in Men's Restroom

Senator Larry E. Craig (Denial-Idaho) pled guilty to "lewd conduct" after he repeatedly touched feet with a man in the restroom stall next to him in an effort to "take a quick poll." The Senator is known for his ability to bring pork both to Iowa and to himself. He has remained in staunch opposition to gay rights but says he is very open to "gay wrongs." Craig claims the incident a big misunderstanding and that he wasn't trying to play footsie, he was trying to solicit sex.

I Yet Again Wear $60 Worth of Makeup on MSN's "The Big Debate"

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Greece in Danger of Becoming Shish Kebab

The only thing missing was a giant skewer yesterday as the Mediterranean erupted in a giant Greece fire. Thousands fleed, but not before throwing together cuts of lamb, peppers and vegetables in hope of salvaging a gourmet meal. Firefighters are fighting around the clock to help prevent ruins from being ruined again.

I Crash MSN's "The Big Debate" Again

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Big Mac Turns 40, Dies of Heart Failure

A 40th birthday celebration for the famous triple-decker sandwich turned bittersweet today when the burger keeled over dead after a long bout with heart disease. "Obesity has always been a problem," a stunned Grimace told mourners. "I guess there has been a lot of denial, which is why I'm finally heading to Brookhaven." In recent years the Big Mac had limited its public appearances, reportedly embarrassed by an ever-growing waistband. By 2004, the sandwich could no longer fit into its buns.

The Big Mac was airlifted from its apartment with a crane and laid to rest in a piano case.

How 82 Minutes in Jail Changed Meby Nicole Richie

It didn't.

Oh, and I missed 4 text messages. I don't understand how they expect people to keep up with their texting when they don't let them have a phone!

Did I even mention that in the 82 minutes I was in jail they didn't iron my clothes even though they had the time? Way to go, government!

The whole time I was there, Sheriff Lee Baca didn't even try to get me released earlier! 82 minutes is more than enough punishment for like 4 minutes of drunk driving!

All in all, I'd say jail was a huge bust! One star!

Sales of "Morning After" Pill Rise as Guys Get Uglier

A recent 100% spike in sales for the so-called Plan B pill is being attributed to women having sex with ever-uglier men. Barr Pharmaceuticals, the pill's manufacturer, wisely bet that as Americans get more obese, their regret over sleeping with one another will increase exponentially. Even Roman Catholic clergy, who are against the pill on principle, are changing their minds after seeing the guys some of these women have slept with.

Vick Situation: Black Community Outraged by White Community's Outrage

White Atlantans' outrage over Michael Vick's dogfighting has drawn outrage from the NAACP who feels the quarterback is being unjustly suspended. Meanwhile, PETA is outraged at the NAACP's outrage at the outrage, sparking Al Sharpton to wonder, "Where is the outrage and the outrage at the outrage? This is outrageous!" Vick himself is said to be outraged and the outrage that hypothetically would follow the outrage at the outrage at the outrage at the outrage.

Meanwhile, there has been a power outage, sparking everyone to wonder if someone forgot to type an "R."

Hurricane Dean Downgraded From "Category 5" to "Disgrace"

After traipsing through a sparsely populated area of Mexico, causing little damage, and weakening over land, Hurricane Dean has been downgraded from "Category 5" to "Complete disgrace." One local weatherman commented, "Thanks for making me look like a huge a-hole with my predictions of death and destruction. Oooo...a light drizzle, mild thunder, and a three-inch-higher-than-normal surf. And to think I once thought you were a hurricane!"

Residents of threatened regions are encouraged to wear ponchos as an ironic, baiting statement to the "storm."

It's Once Again Safe to Hump Pillows

Dogs across the country were licking their testicles in celebration today after the announcement that Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick will plead guilty to dogfighting charges. "What a victory this is for all dogs," said Burly, a schnauser, "And oh, by the way, may I sniff your butt?" Vick's plea came as somewhat a surprise because he repeatedly maintained his innocence until being informed that "Innocent" is the one where you didn't do it. Falcons fans are left to wonder if Vick will ever be able to return to lead the team to a 7-9 record.

War with Israel Celebrated in New Hezbollah Video Game for Colecovision

Hezbollah has turned the fun of a neverending war with Israel into a new video game. With two-bit graphics and the best mono sound 1985 has to offer, the game captures all the excitement of waiting 6 hours at a guard post to cross the border. Players score points by killing Israeli soldiers. They score even more points by killing themselves.

News As Gossip will return with new updates on Monday August 20.

Elderly Female Zombie Plotting Return to Radio

Undead morning radio host Dawn Imus is reportedly close to signing a deal with WABC that would allow her to start broadcasting again. Imus, best known for her irreverent yet boring humor was thrown off the air by CBS four months ago after referring to a bunch of nappy-headed ho's as "Nappy-headed ho's." Now completely free of racism, Imus says she looks forward to coming back with a bunch of very timely bits about Mike Tyson and Richard Nixon.

Another Appearance on MSN's "The Big Debate"

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Also, be sure to check out the host of the new "Honey Bunches of Oats" web infomercial. He has what I call, "It."

Karl Rove Resigns to Spend More Time with Family; Family Not so Psyched

Chief political strategist Karl Rove resigned from the White House today to, "Spend more time with his family," - a family who's already said, "Uh...thanks, but no thanks." Rove, who's popularity with his own family is down to the high 20's has a lot of work to do. "For one thing," leaked an anonymous family member, "He should stop trying to have the whole family invade Iraq. That's not gonna work, especially at this point. Also, we barely have enough Mallomars to go around now, I can't even imagine what will happen once he returns."

Rove says this is not the end of his involvement in Washington and he will continue to give the President bad advice on an informal basis.

GM Leading Race to Build Unreliable Electric Car

GM has signed an agreement with a battery company, the first in a series of steps they hope will lead to building a completely unreliable electric car by 2010. The company desribed the prototype enthusiastically as, "A Prius that breaks more. Combining the revolting aesthetics of our Pontiacs with the woeful mechanics of our Chryslers with new technology, we are determined to create an environmentally friendly piece of shit. "

America's Coal Mines Are Pissed

NOTE: If you are standing anywhere near a coal mine, DO NOT GO INTO IT. America's mines want revenge - for what, no one's sure. But let's wait until they cool off before we go inside them for more coal.

CBS "Early Show" Rescues, Grills Dolphin

Out of the frying pan and into the (grill) fire. This is my "Catch of the Day!"

Bush Opposes Tax Hikes for Bridge Repairs; Encourages "Buy More Gas, Take Longer Routes"

President Bush today said he opposes tax hikes to repair bridges, and instead believes people should simply avoid bridges by purchasing more gas and taking the long way home. "Why is everyone in such a damn rush?" the President asked. "Whatever happened to 'the scenic route?' Why own a car if you're not going to drive it? Maybe bridges wouldn't collapse if everyone wasn't on them at once."

Instead, the President is recommending an 80% tax on hybrids, with the money to go toward fireworks displays.

Brave Man Suffers Through Night in Hot Tub with Britney Spears

Matt Encinias, a 21 year old college student, suffered through a harrowing six hours in a hot tub with Britney Spears and lived to tell about it. The survivor weaves a harrowing tale of loose hair extensions and Brit's babies' doo-doo floating in underchlorinated water. Encinias believes he was forced to listen to a "New dope track," but says at that point he blacked out. Immediately after the ordeal, Encinias was rushed to a psychiatric hospital and the hot tub was boarded up by the Department of Health. Experts warn that anyone sharing a hot tub with Britney Spears should immediately be treated for hoof-and-mouth disease.

Raids Kill 32 in Sadr City, Ease Parking Situation

Residents of Sadr City are choosing to look on the bright side this morning as a raid that left 32 dead also freed up parking spaces on the busiest streets. A resident who wished to be identified but was still in an explosion-induced haze said, "I can't believe I got a spot so close to my house. Normally, I have to drive around for at least 10 minutes. And don't even talk to me about Thursdays! Hopefully, next there'll be a raid on the mall."

Lindsay Lohan Serious About Pretending to Get Sober

Lindsay Lohan has entered a rehab facility in Utah, in her latest attempt to appear serious about recovery. The facility, Cirque Lodge, has even more jacuzzis than Promises, which helps create anything but a party atmosphere. Lindsay will have all the access to five-star meals, horseback riding, massages, and even liquor she needs to get better. The Lodge is reportedly so rural and bucolic, you can hear the screams of trapped coal miners.

Financial Experts Agree: Stocks Best Place to Put Your Money for Next Five Minutes

With recent volatility of markets and real estate, white-shoe investment advisors say stocks are the best place to put your money until 9:45 A.M. Dean Witter says, "No investment is more safe from risk for the next three...actually now make that two minutes than equities. We recommend NASDAQ - hang on, did the market just drop another two percent?? Uh, never mind."

How to Find the 197,000 AK-47s Missing in Iraq

As ABCnews.com reports, the Pentagon can't account for more than 190,000 AK-47s given to Iraqi security forces. Here's how you might find them:

• Ask yourself, "If I was an AK-47, where would I be?"


• Try to remember the last place you remember seeing your AK-47


• Post a flyer in your neighborhood with a picture that says, "Missing AK-47...Reward!"


• Check "Lost and Found" of local mosques


• Empty pockets of pants in laundry hamper


• Search in between couch pillows. AK-47s can slip into those cracks

Ohlmert, Abbas Meet; Agree Bloodshed is Worth It

Ehud Ohlmert became the first Israeli Prime Minister to visit a Palestinian town since fighting broke out seven years ago when he met with Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas. The two discussed the possibility of a Palestinian State. "No fucking way," Ohlmert told Abbas. By the way, don't you ever clean? This place is covered with shrapnel. I mean, at least pick up the loose fingers before holding a summit meeting."

Both men concurred that the best course of action was to keep fighting. "If there's one thing I learned by watching Iraq, it's that you don't switch horses midstream," Ohlmert said.

Ving Rhames Dogs Taking the Whole Michael Vick Thing Really Personally

After hearing about NFL quarterback Michael Vick electrocuting dogs, actor Ving Rhames' dogs struck back by murdering a guy. In a clear case of retaliation, the dogs allegedly staged a $5 bet on how long the victim could last. The dogs maintain the victim mauled himself. So think before you hold your next high-stakes illegal dogfight. Because the carcass they end up burying might be your own.

Hank Aaron, Lousy Cheater

So now that you're not the all-time home run leader, I bet you feel really stupid, Hank Aaron. If you had focused less on civil rights, and more on steroids, maybe you'd still be number one. But no, you were stubborn and had to do it your way. The old fashioned way. The loser's way. And all you have to show for your abstinence is regular-sized testicles.

A-Rod Hits 500th Meaningless Home Run!

On August 4, 2007, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez became the youngest person ever to hit 500 meaningless home runs. The blast came off Kansas City Royals pitcher Kyle Davies, whom you've never heard of. The Yankees will probably defeat the Kansas City Royals who are 40 games below .500.

MSNBC.com Stunningly Naive

Sometimes MSNBC.com is so cute, like when they admit they have no idea why people have sex. Other recent headlines include, "How come my area is all tingly?" and "Mommy, what's a 'bagina?'"

You know what? Let's not tell them why people have sex. When they're ready, they'll know.

I Whore Myself on MSN's "The Big Debate"

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NASA Selling Space Shuttle on Craigslist

After more than 25 years of service, NASA is finally unloading the Space Shuttle in the only place they think anyone might buy it - craigslist. An eagle-eyed reader in Florida spotted this:
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