After a pair of moccasins with blasting caps embedded in the soles was discovered in Europe, U.S. authorities are reaching out to ordinary citizens and urging them to report anyone wearing shoes at an airport to TSA authorities. "Loafers, wingtips, sneakers, even wedges and espadrilles, these are all easily altered to contain explosives and anyone wearing them should be regarded with suspicion," warns an FBI bulletin. "Anyone wearing shoes or having feet is a person of interest and will be detained."
The FBI warns of a second potential plot which involves a group of terrorists eating large amounts of chili and egg salad sandwiches two hours before flight and then bombarding the cabin with toxic farts.
This man, Anthony Merino, was busted for necrophilia when hosipital security guards caught him having sex with a 92 year-old corpse. Merino didn't help his case when he told authorities, "I'm sorry, I thought she was barely alive."
Based on this picture, we're going to hazard a guess: Guilty. Unfortunately, the case may be difficult to prosecute since the lead witness is, well...dead.
The Colorado Rockies were bowed but unbroken today, vowing they could still come back from a 4-0 deficit to win the World Series. "Sure our backs are to the wall," said manager Clint Hurdle, "But that's the way we've been playing all year. As opposed to the Red Sox, whose fronts are to the wall." When asked which side the wall was on, Hurdle barked, "There are two walls!"
Informed that the World Series is a best of seven affair, Hurdle put three acorns in each cheek, then scurried up a tree.
Having lost her groove, found her groove, then sued her ex-groove for $40 million, author Terry McMillan is now lashing out at her ex-groove calling him a "pimp," and "evil," and prompting the question: Is it better to have lost a groove, found a groove, paid the groove palimony, then had the groove leave you for another man, or never to have found your groove at all?
After losing his gay groove while helping Stella find her groove, Jonathan Plummer (who in no way resembles Al Reynolds) is now writing a tell-all book which could be as long as five pages.
Sexually-induced groove-refinding accounts for 80% of Jamaica's $500 billion a year tourist industry.
As wildfires tore through the streets of Malibu, a group of A-list directors including Steven Spielberg, Martin Scorcese, and Brett Ratner are fighting back, saying that fire can forget about ever making another appearance in their movies. "This town is all about relationships, and fire just basically burned them all," said vaunted entertainment newsman Billy Bush. "You think anyone's going to sign on to make a remake of 'Backdraft' after fire burned down their $3.2 million mansion? Well then I've got a bridge to sell you."
When asked for further clarification about the bridge, Bush responded, "That was an expression." When asked why anyone would build an expression around selling a fake bridge, Bush became incensed and threw coffee in our face.
Portland, Maine school board members say making birth control available to middle schoolers is a great way to prevent teen pregnancy. It's also a great way for parents to get free birth control. Simply use your child as a drug mule and have them pick up your pills and you'll avoid expensive pharmacy prices, not to mention borderline-retarded Rite Aid employees. Or you can stay on your high horse like Bill O'Reilly and keep paying for these drugs yourself.
Portland parents are also encouraging the school system to offer kids Lipitor, Vitorin and Cialis. Oh, and LSD.
A Los Angeles rescue dog was rescued again, this time from the insane clutches of talk show host Ellen DeGeneris. Days ago, DeGeneris adopted the dog, immediately cut off its nuts (see video), forced it to dance for three straight days, then, when the dog could dance no more, passed it along to her hairdresser (barber?). Ellen claims she picked up the dog and immediately spent $3,000 on it, for, we're guessing, a tiny Mercedes with vanity plates.
Ellen, who was so passionate about this dog she regifted it after a week, is upset the adoption agency repossessed the dog from her hairdresser's daughter who had grown extremely close to the animal in the seven minutes she owned it illegitimately. Ellen is now unhappy the dog is with another girl who loves it instead of the other girl she chose who loves it. As "DOGWATCH '07" enters its third day, we promise to bring you all breaking developments including:
With "Keeping Up with the Kardashians" airing Sunday nights on E!, the network faces a branding crisis. Is an exclamation point! is still an appropriate corprate symbol?
"We can no longer declare that E! is entertainment!," said network President Jeff E!. "Instead, we may place a question mark after the E (E?) to challenge the viewer into thinking, 'Is Kim Kardashian hanging out with Bruce Jenner 'entertainment?' If not, what is it? Should we call ourselves, 'Nothing!' or what about, 'Huh?' I thought about, 'A place where a girl with a big butt who inadvertantly made a porno has a show!' but that's hard to fit in TV listings."
Another proposal under consideration would change the name to "E!!!!!!!" so you could imagine the name of the network being screamed in your face at all times.
Today those people who award Nobel Prizes gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace prize for showing there's no point in fighting since we're all going to die of natural causes in twenty years. Gore, pictured here without his trademark drumstick, said he was most looking forward to the awards banquet, and had already purchased several "carbon offsets" in anticipation of eating a three-bean salad. President Bush congratulated Gore for, "Keeping his chins up in the face of adversity," adding, "If there was a prize for war, I totally would have won that so...whatever."
Gore says he next plans to spend 14 years building a PowerPoint presentation about homelessness, and asked if anyone had clip art of a gangrene foot.
Malaysia's first astronaut blasted into space today from, depending on your view, a fortunate or unfortunate combination of a lit cigarette, an oxygen-rich cockpit, and a giant propane tank. The event came as a shock, especially after last week's scrubbed launch of an Estes rocket. An engineer quickly acted as though he intended to countdown from ten, but everyone recognized that as B.S. The astronaut, Sheikh Muszaphar, a 35-year-old orthopedic surgeon, will perform experiments on what it's like to be in space with an hour's worth of oxygen and a pack of Tostitos.
As for getting Muszaphar back to earth, Head of the Malaysian Space Program and cab driver Jigpur Sajiv said simply, "Eh."
It's a terrifying scenario - you meet the woman of your dreams, get married, then days after the wedding your bride farts once, wants to have sex, and gets a sunburn. Then, you meet a second girl who wears sunscreen, doesn't sing in the car, if she has to fart does so inaudibly and she likes skimboarding.
In "The Heartbreak Kid," Ben Stiller plays a guy who takes his shirt off for no reason. He wants to meet a woman to marry but can't, without realizing that it's probably because he lives in San Francisco.
Malin Akerman plays Cameron Diaz who meets Stiller when he saves her from being robbed. Of course they fall in love since she always wanted to meet someone 5'4" or smaller.
On their honeymoon, Stiller meets a second girl played by some actress. They have so much fun it can only be conveyed in a montage - I won't give too much away but let's just say they did play soccer and ride a Ferris wheel. She then finds out Stiller is married, they break up, and later get back together but not before Ben's wife pees on his back. Some call this "Gross-out comedy," but I guess those people aren't as comfortable with being urinated on as I am.
Find out for yourself why Richard Roeper raves, "It falls flat, flat, flat," and see "The Heartbreak Kid!"
Three years off a remarkable performance where he famously took the field with a bloody sock -
Boston Red Sox hurler Curt Schilling delivered a second gutsier and more sickening performance, this time with a bloody jock.
Destined to go down as one of the single greatest, grossest games ever, Schilling had staples and sutures in his you-know-what prior to taking the field. "Not for any specific injury," the pitcher explained, "Just to inspire." And it worked as the nauseated Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, CA, USA, The World were never able to look directly at the mound, and the Red Sox won nine to one.
Topps, Inc. will cease manufacturing disease-ridden meat after the government ordered a recall of 21.7 million pounds of ground beef infected with E. Coli. For years, Topps has been one of the U.S.'s top suppliers of tainted meat which is useful for assassination plots and subterfuge.
Topps, long known for their institutional passive-aggressiveness told shareholders, "Fine, make your own meat. See how you enjoy herding cows, feeding them, then slaughtering them while they moo for mercy. Also, carving them up is no picnic either. You think it's easy making tainted meat? Well you're about to find out."
After learning Senator Larry Craig plans to retain his Senate (toilet) seat colleagues are urging he, "Shit or get off the pot - literally." "Seriously, he better either be actively moving his bowels or hoisting himself off the john," said Tom Coburn (R-Oklahoma). "I don't need his footplay interrupting my 'dump rhythym.'"
Craig previously pledged to leave the Senate, but reconsidered after realizing it would be hard to find another job where he gets to share a restroom with 84 other guys. "You figure if I stick my leg under the stall, I've got decent odds," said Craig.
In September, Craig plead guilty to "disorderly conduct" in a Minnesota airport restroom after spending half an hour yelling, "Yoo hoo, who wants sex?" Craig continues to dismiss the incident, calling it, "An understanding."
Craig said he plans to withdraw his guilty plea, then stick it in again, then withdraw it, then stick it in, then alternately withdraw and stick it in faster and faster until the judge, "Begs for mercy."
So you probably heard I lost a sexual harassment lawsuit. Sure it stings. But I've lost a lot in my career and I know how to recover. But one nagging thing keeps eating away at me: No matter what the jury said, I'm pretty sure this chick still wants to fuck me.
I realize this is a bad time to bring it up. And there's probably a nicer way to say it. But if you made me swear on a stack of Bibles right now, I'd tell you Anucha Browne Sanders is still giving me a major vibe. Am I nuts? You see it too, right? It's like the way she looks at me...those pouty lips...this chick is wants it, lawsuit or no.
As a point guard, I learned to read signals. And my sixth sense tells me this chick wants to bone. It's like, I get it. I'm a powerful man. I was a successful athlete. I'm alpha, baby. I'd want to nail me too. It's human nature. So I'll pay the settlement and whatever - but just admit it lady, you want it from the I-dog!
What is harassment anyway? I mean - if I open my pants and put my schween on the table and show it to you, all the sudden that's wrong? This "political correctness" is way out of control. I've been showing my dong all across the United States for years and any complaints were easily settled out of court.
Seriously, though - it's like, who else is offering this chick sex? What are her options? Am I so hideous you'd just turn me down? Yeah, I'm getting older, but who isn't? I stayed in pretty good shape. So listen lady, you can say whatever you want. And yeah, I'll pay the millions of dollars. But at the end of the day, we both know you want it.
I'll be in my office. Close the door behind you.
"For auction - two hayseed children, already vaccinated, ready to go to a good home. After purchase, the children will be placed in a tanning booth to ensure they arrive at your home a healthy dark beige!!"
A judge has ordered Britney Spears to auction off her kids for their safety, rather than have them be raised by an insane lipsyncher or an ersatz white rapper. Britney has agreed, calling it a "Win / win." "This way I don't have to cart them around to strip-lates classes," a beaming Spears told a Taco Bell restroom toilet. "And the best part is, I'll use the money to raise awareness awareness. Because people aren't aware of awareness hardly at all."
The two children come as a package and will not be separated, unless you ask nicely.
Hillary Clinton surprised Democratic rivals by raising more than $27 million last quarter - and even more shocking, some of the money may not have to be returned for legal reasons. Eschewing Norman Hsu-type pyramid schemes for legitimate cash marks a change in strategy for the Clinton campaign and could potentially alienate the Senator's base constituency of rogue grifters. Over the same time span, Sen. Barack Obama raised $19 million from thousands of people afflicted with "White guilt."
Meanwhile, John Edwards raised two dollars in nickels, half a knish, and a threadbare blanket.
After yesterday's fartbreaking loss to the Florida Marlins, a downcast New York Mets team packed their bags, disappointed they won't have the opportunity to lose four postseason games.
Manager Willie Randolph told an assembly of morbidly obese men holding notepads, "I definitely thought this team had what it takes to win the division, then get swept in the first round. This team was built for postseason defeat. Elderly pitchers? Check. Carlos Beltran taking strike three in clutch situations? Affirmative. Could Jose Reyes have kept hitting under .200? Definitely. The '06 Mets were built to blow a 6 game lead in the final 17 games, not a 7 game lead."
General manager Omar Minaya vowed to spend every last dime this offseason to sign formerly great players clearly on the downside of their careers like Carlos Delgado and Tom Glavine. "If Craig Biggio would like to play, we will absolutely find a roster spot for him by trading away some promising minor leaguers," Minaya pledged.
Met fans, heartbroken at not being able to pay exorbitant prices to watch their team get knocked out of the playoffs a week from now burned several effigies in effigy.
