New eBooks Take Boredom into the Digital Age

For years companies have wondered: how can we be boring and use electricity? Amazon.com has solved the problem with the release of their new "Kindle" reader. The company boasts, "Just like television, only without moving pictures and sound. Just like a computer only no games or Internet browsing. And the best part? Unlike a book, it costs $300."

Amazon is also reportedly experimenting with an "eRock" that does everything a conventional stone does, but with Bluetooth.

Finally! A Hot Leather Jacket Designed Specifically for Nude Pregnant Women

"I'm being slutty for two!"
As this month's "Marie Clare" shows - you can have it all! (except pants) We get it - you're pregnant, but still "open for business!"

If You're Naming a Teddy Bear, You Can't Go Right with "Muhammed"

What are you almost smiling about, lady?
A British teacher living in Sudan lost her job and faces 40 lashes with a whip or six months in prison for allowing her class to name a teddy bear "Muhammed." And the question on everyone's mind is: Will she be punished enough? I mean - what does it take to get executed anymore? Where is her head-covering? And shouldn't the kids be executed too? They were the ones who voted to name the bear. They ARE NOT ready for democracy.

Ricky Williams Comeback Goes Better than Expected

The face of determination
When Ricky Williams announced his comeback to the NFL a month ago, no one thought he would last five plays. But Ricky proved skeptics wrong by lasting six plays before being injured and done for the season. Williams believes that with hard work and rehabilitation (not the drug kind - the other kind for your muscles and stuff), he may even have another ten plays left in him.

Trent Lott Leaving Senate for "Whiter Pastures"

"How much do I like minorities? This much."

Mississippi Senator Trent Lott announced today he will vacate his Senate seat and head for "Whiter pastures." Lott explained he has been frustrated by the Senate's recent turn of direction. "When I took this job, the Senate was 100% White. Now we're down to 99% and we seem to have lost our way. I have to wait for a day when Barack Obama is sick if I want to make any jokes at all."

Lott also bemoaned the increasingly "Bipartisan" nature of the Senate. "It used to be White people from both sides of the aisle would work toward screwing over minorities. Now the Democrats fight us tooth and nail. Maybe I can get a job with NASCAR."

Mike Huckabee Surges to Iowa Lead as More People Use Their Vote as Joke

Mike Huckabee: "I support health care for all Americans, until the Apocalypse - which is in 5 years, btw"
Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is now leading Iowa straw polls, as more people become convinced it's funny to vote for a guy who thinks the earth is only 2,000 years old. Huckabee has done such a good job as governor in Arkansas that it's ranked last in everything except for sales of Silly String (48th). Running chiefly on a platform of, "I used to be fat," Huckabee has appealed to Iowa voters by shaking his keys in front of them and saying, "Goo goo ga ga." The governor has drawn comparisons to Ronald Reagan, although in all fairness, he's not that old, clueless, or charismatic.

Queen Elizabeth Marks 60th Wedding Anniversary by Standing Alone in Sun Holding Umbrella

Always start composing your outfit with an umbrella, then work downward
Today England's Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, showing the world that marriage can survive even the challenges of living in several castles with servants while never having to work. The royal couple has inspired a nation with their union which on the surface appears to be cold, distant affection, but when viewed from close-up seems more like barely suppressed rage. As her gift, today the Queen permitted Phillip to fart in the great room.

NAG EXCLUSIVE: Rumor Leads Us to Believe Frank Caliendo May Attempt Impressions on New TV Show

Caliendo impersonating Dame Judi Dench
News as Gossip is first with the inside scoop that comedian Frank Caliendo will be doing impressions on his new show "FrankTV." The show, which is scheduled to air on TBS on a loop until the earth explodes in a giant fireball next February, will apparently be a vehicle for the eponymous Caliendo to ape others as if they also had a weight problem. Those impersonated will include such rarely mimicked individuals such as: Robert Deniro, Al Pacino, Robin Williams, Dr. Phil and Bill Clinton. Sources indicate there may even be a few Monica Lewinsky jokes, which is great since you never hear those.

Barry Bonds Denies Hitting Home Runs

Not suspicious in the least

After being indicted for lying to federal prosecutors while under oath, baseball star Barry Bonds now denies ever knowingly hitting home runs. "I thought I was hitting doubles," Bonds maintained while eating a flaxseed sandwich. "Sometimes it looks like the ball is leaving the stadium, but that's just an optical illusion. I mean, can anyone prove that after the ball left my bat, outfielders weren't tossing a second ball into the stands to make it look like I hit it out?"

Bonds also maintains he hasn't grown at all since 1999, saying, "The rest of the world has shrunk."

"Rolling Stone" Film Critic Peter Travers Declares, "I Love Every Movie Ever Made!!"

"Rolling Stone" magazine critic is giving up reviewing films as they come out instead issuing a blanket declaration: "I love all movies that have come out, are coming out, or will come out, always and forever!!" After years under the magazine's employ, Travers says, "I finally realized that I view every movie ever released as smashing, rollicking, hold-onto-your-seat boffo entertainment! And whatever is the newest, I become convinced is the greatest one I've ever seen. I thought, 'The Comebacks,' was the most hilarious comedy imaginable, then they released, 'Fred Claus.' 'Michael Clayton' was by far the best political thriller I had seen - real 'genre changer' - until two weeks later I saw, 'Lions for Lambs.' So why persist in the illusion that I have a different opinion on any movie that comes out - from now on, just assume I love it! We'll all save time!"

With Just Years to Go, Presidential Campaign Turns into 19 Person Race

I can only choose one? Damn it!

With the Presidential election mere hundreds of days away, voters are faced with the daunting task of narrowing down the field to one stiff, unlikeable fool who sort of agrees with them about three things. So far the main issues are:

• How will they choose between the guy who has no chance, and the lady who has a chance but no one likes?


• Who the hell names a kid "Mitt?"


• What's with the dude who looks like an elf?

For now, the election rests on a bunch of obese Iowan mouth-breathers. Candidates will prove their worthiness by empathizing with their concerns such as, "Why are nightcrawlers so expensive?" After that, it's off to New Hampshire, to interrupt the breakfast of craggy-faced, closed-minded bigots eating at diners. And finally, Super Tuesday, where the hopefuls attempt to convince an entire region of the country they don't believe in evolution, either.

What I Was Thinking in This Photo From the WGA Strike

• "I always knew I'd meet McDreamy, I just never thought it would happen like this."


• "If this is the difference between Disney Chairman Bob Iger making $42 million a year and $44 million a year, then I completely sympathize with the AMPTP's position."


• "Thanks for photographing me with my mistress. This whole week my wife thinks I've been working at 'Ellen.'"


• "If I eat a donut, how many hours will I have to protest to burn it off?"


• "Why am I the only one wearing a David 'Big Papi' Ortiz jersey?"


• "During three years of writing for Comedy Central, I've managed to put away close to $7 million. Or else I'd be completely screwed."


• "If I put Google Banner Ads on my blog, I should be able to retire comfortably just as the sun is exploding."


• "Who farted?"


• "Can't we just go inside and settle this like Jews?"

High Fuel Prices Force Airlines to Switch to "Ass, Gas, or Grass" System

Brother can you spare a dime bag?

Citing rising costs as oil surges to $100 a barrel, the major airlines are telling customers to expect to part with either sex, weed, or pot if they want a ride. United has even gone so far as to add a surcharge for "bogarting."

And airlines aren't the only ones affected as the going rate for a mustache ride is now seven cents.

This t-shirt is now obsolete

CNN's Glenn Beck Invites You and a Guest to a Nightly Crap-Cutting

Uncut crap is much worse than crap cut into pieces
No one can digest an entire crap by themselves. That's why it's better to have an expert - like say, CNN's Glenn Beck - slice the crap into more manageable pieces for you. Thanks to Beck you can now receive your crap in half hour morsels. And while you digest it, he points at you, which also helps.

State of Emergency Declared in Georgia - No, Not That Georgia, The Other One

Georgia is on these peoples' minds
Today officials declared an emergency in that Georgia that for some reason is in the middle of Russia, or what was Russia or the USSR or whatever they're calling that place now. The declaration came as the state ran out of blunt objects with which to beat protestors. President Mikhail Saakashvili made the following international appeal: "We need a second potato."

Two Guys Dressed for the Fifth Century Really Hit it Off

Today Pope Benedict met with Saudi King Abdullah and the two found plenty of common ground. "Hey I'm just like you," said the Pontiff. I put my robe on one leg at a time."

"Do you ever worry about people getting a glimpse of your sack as you ascend stairs?" The King asked.

"Of course I do," replied the Pope. "That's why I have someone carry me."

"I should try that," said Abdullah, who then presented the Pontiff with a gift certificate to Blockbuster.

King Tut and His Severe Eczema

One of history's great doofuses
Providing all the proof we need that our ancestors were much worse-looking, this newly unveiled photo of King Tut shows the leader as we've never seen him before - with a tremendous overbite. For centuries scholars have referred to Tut as "The Golden Boy" and now we know that title was probably ironic. For the first time ever today scholars rolled down KT's linen covering. Not pictured here is his T-shirt with "Mustache Rides, 5⊄" written in heiroglyphics (A mutton having illicit congress with a sand dab).

Pornography Website Virus Targets Macs but Risk Still Worth It

Apple is warning Macintosh users that websites may contain malware that will install a virus on their computers, but also made sure to note, "You might also get to see boobs for free, so maybe throw caution to the wind." Apple's head of security said, "The virus will cause your computer to become a server for pornography ads, but then again, what the hell do you care? I mean, which is worse - buying a new computer or maybe missing out on seeing a pair of balls gratis?" Users are being warned the best thing they can do is come up with an excuse of who else could be using their computer.

This Man May Live to 1,000...and Still Not Get Laid

"Bin Laden for Halloween? Hmm...hadn't thought of it..."
Aubrey De Grey believes he may live more than 900 years. And yet what no amount of calculations, cellular biology, and artificial intelligence can take fully take into account is that De Grey will likely spend all of that time not getting laid. At no time now or in the forseeable future will the whole "scarecrow-thin-with-waistlong-beard" look be palatable to women, be they 21 or 874. De Grey envisions a future where people work and retire in 40 year cycles. What he does not envision is a proper grooming regimen.