MOVIE REVIEW: If You Hate Plot, Character, and Dialogue, You'll Love 'Juno!'

If you're the type of person who needs marketing campaigns to tell you what iship, by all means go see "Juno."

With the punk, subversive energy of Avril Lavigne's best work, Ellen Page plays Juno, a 16 year old who talks in a completely unrealistic way and needs to be punched in the face. Apparently brilliant about every aspect of life except condom use, Juno gets pregnant but it's OK because she has a kitschy cheeseburger phone and likes Iggy Pop. Juno arranges to give her baby up to an uptight couple, then almost doesn't, but then does, but in the end it doesn't matter because you stopped caring awhile ago.

Questions I still have after watching "Juno":

• Is a 15 year-old getting pregnant bad? I'm still not sure.


• What is the socially acceptable amount of time before you can declare a movie definitively sucks? I used to think it was 15 minutes, but after but after Juno conspicuously drinks Sunny D then refers to it twice within thirty seconds, and Rainn Wilson calls her "Homeskillet" I've revised the official "acceptable suck declare time" to a minute thirty.


• Is that kid on the cross-country team or not? He ran the races and ran with them, but then other times they would run by his house and he wouldn't be with them. WTF?


• Why does no one punch any or all of these characters in the face?

So run, don't walk to see "Juno!"*

*If you're a putz

My New Talk Show, "Let's Talk About Sex"

Christmas Carols Sung in the "Boston" Style

Merry Xmas From the Entire News as Gossip Crew!

MOVIE REVIEW: Everyone Afraid to Admit "No Country for Old Men" is Boring

Yes the movie "No Country for Old Men," is "majestic," "darkly poetic," and "searing," a "nihilistic thriller," with "mordant wit," - also, it is incredibly boring.

Here's the movie in a nutshell: A guy finds some money. Another guy with a bad haircut wants to kill him. The first guy spends ten minutes buying boots and cutting wire hangers to build a hook. He goes to Mexico, but we don't see any of Mexico. The guy with the bad haircut kills more people while vaguely resembling a human porcini mushroom. A sheriff with a face like beef jerky doesn't try to do too much. Woody from "Cheers" has a scene and gets shot. There is a car crash very similar to the one from the Volkswagen commercials and then the movie ends in pretty much the same way as the last episode of "The Sopranos."

Of course these murders bring up larger themes like, "Ever heard of a soundtrack?" and "When will this movie be over?"

As Peter Travers of "Rolling Stone" writes, "It forces us to look into an abyss of our own making." OK, but who the hell wants to do that?

If you love hearing yourself talk afterwards, run don't walk to, "No Country for Old Men."

World Stunned by Jamie Lynn Spears' Immaculate Conception

Rare is the pregnancy of a 16 year-old cause for worldwide celebration, but in this case we'll make an exception. Devout Christian Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant which means the Second Coming is a mere six months away, so if you you've got 'em, smoke 'em. After sister Britney's recent meltdowns, Jamie Lynn's divine insemination is welcome news for the Spears clan this Christmas who look forward to having another baby around the house to shake. Jamie Lynn and the Lord are registered at Nordstrom's.

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Volume 8: "Three Men and a Baby"

Has anyone in this movie heard of a paternity test? Or hiring a lawyer? Social services? Adoption agencies? Or if the baby's father is in Turkey, why don't you just get on a plane with the baby - babies can go on planes.

If someone drops a baby off at your door, you don't just keep it. Also, when both babies and heroin are being dropped of at your apartment, you live an incredibly messed-up lifestyle. And if you really like your friend's baby that much, you can just visit her. You don't have to commit to raising her until she's 18. Like Steve Guttenberg, this movie DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN

By the way look at this poster - someone put a diaper on that kid!

Aruba Investigation Concludes Natalee Holloway Spontaneously Combusted

The faces of innocence
After a thorough investigation in which they checked more than 30% of their leads, Aruban authorities determined that missing American student Natalee Holloway spontaneously combusted in May, 2005. The Public Prosecutors office states, "We have exhausted all our powers and techniques in order to solve the mystery of the disappearance of the girl, including questioning over two individuals. We even made a call, and yet - nothing. At one point we had a lead, but it was also Veteran's Day and that three-day weekend really killed our momentum. Anyway, thanks for the overtime."

I am Determined to Appear as Though I Want to Clear My Nameby Roger Clemens

Hi, friend. By now you've probably read the report by that commie Mitchell who says I had steroids injected into my butt. Who are you going to believe, a former Senator? Or me, a guy who tells you that you don't really bloom as an athlete until your late 30s?

I'm sure you're wondering, "Did you do it, Rog?" I want to state as clearly as possible: I did not ever for one second intentionally inject any substance with the intent of that incident appearing in a multi-page .pdf document.

I have never given steroids to my children, nor have I engaged in any recreational chemotherapy.

So how did I end up in the report? Well, obviously someone typed in the keystrokes that spell my name on a PC or Macintosh computer. Do I deny the allegations? Well I don't not deny them. Am I innocent? Of being guilty, no. But innocent in a larger, more general sense? Perhaps.

In sum, for the record: No substance I took, have taken, or will take has ever helped me hit more home runs.

Rest assured, I will continue to make every effort to clear my name as long as that doesn't entail specifically denying any allegations. Thank you.

No, Seriously Though - I Said I Was Legend First

This Week's "Story You Don't Need to Care About"

HEY EMMA ROBERTS - NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!

Baseball's Mitchell Report Contains Entirely Made-Up Names

"I am fully prepared to answer none of your questions"

Baseball's steroid report authored by former Senator George Mitchell emerged with a fizzle today as it was entirely fabricated names. "Who the hell is 'Laser Runyon'?" an enraged Commissioner Bud Selig asked. "Davey O'Hare?? Milt 'the Barber' Luccio? DuQwon Goldstein? Chef Magoo? Did you do any work? What the hell have you spent the last 19 months doing?"

Mitchell then confessed he'd procrastinated so long he ended up writing the entire report last night starting at 2 a.m. "Dino Shank?" he then wildly and desperately guessed.

UN: "World Running Out of Croutons"

"After salad, the environment remains are number two priority"

Buried deep in the latest UN report on climate change is a disturbing revelation: At present rate, we will use up the earth's known supply of croutons by 2012. "The time to act is now," stressed UN Chief Ban Ki-Moon while fruitlessly searching his Caesar salad for delightfully crunchy breaded chunks that are increasingly rare. We only need to look as far as Indonesia to see the impact of a society without proper lettuce accompaniment. Conservation is only one step. We also need to find sustainable methods of production, not just for our children but for our children's children, and for our children's children's children, and for our children's children's children's children, and for our children's children's children's children's children. If they haven't figure it out by then, well...fuck it."

Efforts to replace croutons by hydrogen have so far fallen flat.

Jessica Simpson to Show Tits to Prove She's a Serious Actress

Jessica Simpson wants to strip naked in a movie to show she's a serious actress. After which she plans to buy a Humvee to prove she's an environmentalist, then commit a murder to prove she's not guilty.

HEALTHWATCH: Mormons Live Longer but "Not Worth It"

A new study shows thanks to abstaining from coffee, tea, and alcohol, Mormons live longer lives, but such gains are offset by boredom and joyless breakfasts. Mormons were 40% less likely to develop heart disease, but 200% more likely to be locked into two-hour plus conversations about the weather and a staggering 900% more likely to be invited to only the shittiest of parties. The study took place in Utah because there was nothing else to do.

Tom Brokaw Laments Loss of Nostalgia

"I came here to do two things - reminisce and kick ass, and I'm all done reminiscing."

Hot on the heels of his new book "Boom" and the premiere of his TV special "1968", Tom Brokaw announced his next project: an in-depth profile of America's loss of nostalgia. "People aren't nearly as fond of reminiscing about the past as they were even ten years ago," Brokaw contends. "It used to be a better time to think it was a better time. But we've lost our wistfulness. The '40s were all about the '30s...the '70s were preoccupied with the '50s...My next book will look back on our great history of looking back."

Early reports say at least half of Brokaw's next book will reflect on the greatness of his book, "The Greatest Generation."

Steelers Guarantee Patriot Victory

The Pittsburgh Steelers lived up to their victory guarantee Sunday, as the New England Patriots beat them 34-13 on Sunday. "Hey, we didn't say who was going to win," Steelers DB Anthony Smith clarified, "Only that someone would. We totally delivered."

New Billy Joel Anti-War Song Renews Support for Iraqi Conflict

"Hey Billy, play the new stuff!
William Joel has singlehandedly accomplished what President Bush has been unable to do - drumming up support for the Iraqi war by releasing an anti-war song called, "Christmas in Fallujah." With lyrics such as:

I would like to drink daiquiris / With Iraqis / For peace / in the Middle East / So Santa / put on your body armor / And bring Rudolph / to the Sunni triangle / and let's recite psalms / instead of blow up suicide bombs /

The single has quickly risen to #28 on the "Insurgency Hot 100."

Thanks, AMPTP! (Volume 2)

Due to the success of yesterday's video (39 page views and counting - thank you Mom!) I offer "Thanks, AMPTP!" volume two...the Writer's Guild Strike isn't all negative, it's just a matter of when life gives you poop, make "poopade"!

Just So You Know, This Guy Exists

There is actually someone who looks like this.

"Thanks, AMPTP!" Volume One, "The Holidays"

In response to all the negativity engendered by the Writer's Guild strike, I wanted to do something positive. Thus I present the first in a series called, "Thanks, AMPTP!"

Imus Return a Postive Step Forward for "Racist Relations"

The widow Imus
Radio hostess Dawn Imus triumphantly returned to the airwaves yesterday with his unique blend of stale impressions, interviews with unpopular candidates and Bigelow tea advertisements. After being dismissed for referring to the Rutgers women's basketball team as "Nappy headed ho's," Imus says he's learned his lesson and from now on will only demean Chinese people, since they tend not to make such a stink over it. "It's time to heal and forget," said several middle age White people, "So make sure Black people know that." Like most other exciting things, Imus' program airs on AM radio.

8 Men Claim Sex with Senator Larry Craig; "Not All at Once" Craig Counters

"I like this long microphone...where did you get it?"

An Idaho newspaper says eight men have stepped forward to say they had sexual encounters with Republican Senator Larry Craig - to which Craig has replied, "Yeah...but not all at once, though. That would be sick."

The Senator, who opposes gay marriage and gay rights also makes it known he is no fan of male orgies either. "People engaging in orgies do not deserve domestic benefits just for participating," the Senator told reporters, then demonstrated how when he poops he goes down into a gymnast's split. Craig then denied even knowing then eight men, but then asked if he could have the phone numbers of the cute ones.

The men have begun writing a screenplay about their experience with Craig called, "8 Men Out...of the Clost."