President: "$700 Billion Bailout Needed to Avoid Nightmare Scenario of $700 Billion Bailout"

President Bush gave an exciting television address last night (opposite an all-new "Bones" on FOX!) in which he asked the nation to support a $700 billion bailout of Wall Street in order to avoid a financial collapse that could cost the nation $700 billion. "Banking is a tough business," the President said, "People don't realize that you don't necessarily make money just because you lend it out, then collect more back later. Only by acting now can we avoid a financial collapse which could cost the government billions."

"Without this plan we could face recession conditions of rising unemployment, a dropping stock market and lower real estate values," Bush warned. When pointed out that this is already happened, the President replied, "Still, though."

Approval of the bailout will ensure that banks are able to continue to lend large amounts of money to unqualified borrowers. The President added that it's critical in this time of crisis that we avoid any sort of Presidential debates and/or campaigning.