Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is under fire for sending text messages that seem as though they might have been sexual five years ago. If Kilpatrick did have sex, he would be only one of three people in Michigan to do so, and would violate Detroit's strict "Above the waist" policy. Other than this sex scandal, everything is going great in Detroit.
Provisional plans are being made for a recall election to be held between a Democrat and Republican eunuch.
John Edwards dropped out of the presidential race this morning, after a year long campaign in which he bummed a lot of people out by talking about poverty. Widely credited as standing up for the little guy, Edwards peppered many of his speeches with depressing anecdotes about people who can't afford their medication and live on cat food.
"This campaign was never about me," Edwards told a group of vagrant supporters. "It was about a man in Kentucky who was forced to eat his shower. A woman I met in Michigan who actually had termites in her body. A boy in New Orleans who was living inside a pair of slippers. While corporations fatten their pockets, one third of all Americans can't even afford a cell phone plan with text messaging.
Edwards continued, "The problem with you poor people is you're so damn cheap. In the last month, HIllary has raised millions. Anyone want to guess what I've raised? Fourteen bucks. I mean, WTF?"
Edwards' departure means there is no one left in the race who thinks that forming a fist and sticking your thumb between your index and third fingers is a legitimate gesture to make while you're speaking.
After a 23% drop in profits, Yahoo! has announced a massive corporate restructuring which includes changing the company's name to "Eh."
The new logo is meant to reflect users ambivalence about the site - which let's face it - is basically a dull AM radio station printed on a page. Yahoo! is also laying off 1,000 employees which will leave them with a mere 500 masseuses.
Barack Obama's campaign picked up even further momentum today as Ted Kennedy, Maya Angelou, and even former President Bill Clinton all threw their support behind the candidate. Referring to Obama several times as "Not my wife," and, "Far more in touch with America's mainstream as to if husbands should be able to go out by themselves at night," former President Clinton said when he enters the booth he's pulling the lever for Obama, among other things. These endorsements may signal a sea change in politics that the country is drifting away from candidates who shrilly yell at them all the time.
Hillary Clinton's campaign will reportedly respond to this news by launching an all-out attack on Dennis Kucinich.
Hello, my name is Mitt. Yes "Mitt." No that's not short for "Mitchell." Haha no, I was not named after a baseball glove. Anyway, I'm running for president. Yes, of the United States!
What makes me different? Well for one thing, I understand you, even though I've never had a cup of coffee or a drink of alcohol. Yes that makes me better than you but it doesn't make me different. I understand your needs, except for the thing that you look forward to in the morning and the one that helps you relax at night.
I've learned a lot about military service during my time never doing any. I learned a lot during the Vietnam war, as a missionary in France. What I learned is the two most important things are:
1. Make other people stay the course
2. eat croissants.
This is my simple plan if elected. Seriously, check my record and you'll find no contradictions or foreign policy blunders. You also won't find a record.
I also have great ideas for the economy. I am the only candidate who has worked for a hedge fund, and I believe we should leverage the entire economy on either shorting stocks, or NFL betting.
And you know what would really give this economy a kick in the pants? Millions of unwanted babies. If you force people to have babies, they can then be used for cheap labor and we can outsource many of China's jobs here. I didn't used to believe in outlawing abortion, but once you see it in econic terms, it makes sense.
Vote for me, Mitt Romney - the only candidate with a whopping four years of experience in government!
PS, I wear sacred undergarments.
Despite a high ankle sprain that has him wearing a walking cast on his right foot, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady insists he will likely see action tonight against supermodel, or, as Brady calls it "The Real Super Bowl."
"Ah, you know, there's always bumps and bruises," Brady said. "I'm not worried about that. I'm not missing this one. I'd have to be on a stretcher to miss this one."
Backup Matt Cassell says he's also thoroughly prepared but Giselle says she'd rather Brady at twenty percent than Cassell at a hundred. Mysteriously, Coach Bill Bellichick went on record as saying, "Comment."
The stock market remains in critical condition right now after attempting suicide early this morning. Traders found it this morning next to an empty bottle of pills and a note reading, "Buy? Sell? What difference does it make, we're all going to die anyway." In recent days the market had stopped talking to its family, began dating a paparazzi from x17online, and been spotted locked in a men's room with Amy Winehouse.
The Fed today advises people that instead of investing, literally throw their money into the wind since at least some of it will blow back.
You're the star of the team and you talk all week about how you wouldn't miss this game for the world. Then, you play two plays and - maybe someone offered you the world - because you missed the rest of the game. But since you're such a great team player you ran up and down the sideline cheering your teammates, and inspiring them.
Oh, sorry, I had you mistaken for the anti-matter you. You just sat there in your helmet, maybe wearing virtual reality glasses, I can't tell. At least your disgraceful behavior totally made us forget about last year when you got upset and cried because one man did another man's dance.
Normally this award is reserved for Iranian President Mahmoud Abbas, but he actually behaved better than you this week, LaDainian Tomlinson.
You know me - I'm "Big Pussy". Yes that was eight years ago. Yes, I was killed in season two of a show that went seven seasons. But I still think it's vital you recognize I played Big Pussy. That's why I constantly make jokes about getting whacked.
It's like like how other characters from other shows still go around in character years later. Like how Ted Danson is Sam Malone, and he always asks you what you want to drink. And Cybil Sheppard is Maddie Hayes and she asks you if you have a case to solve
Wait, they don't? So what? Bobby Baccala does.
Anyway, I'm now competing to see who can sell more hot dogs, me or Nadia Comenici. So watch "Celebrity Apprentice"...OR YOU'LL GET WHACKED!!! Get it? Just like me, "Big Pussy."
Terrell Owens cried when asked if Tony Romo was to blame for Dallas' loss to the NY Giants on Sunday, but I am perfectly comfortable pointing fingers and saying that Romo singlehandedly blew it. A lot of people are blaming Romo's vacation with Jessica Simpson, but let's not forget he fumbled away games long before that ever happened.
I think it was Vince Lombardi who used to recommend that all his players go to an island paradise and shack up with a known idiot in the days leading up to a playoff game. I know Joe Montana said he used to prepare for a big one by spending three days isolated with a moron who can't sing and pretending to be interested in listening to stories about the set of "Employee of the Month."
President Bush's business trip to the Middle East continues to go extremely well as he announced a $20 billion arms deal with the Saudis that will net him a billion dollar commission. The President explained: "I took King Abdullah out for drinks. So there we are, a couple of guys sitting over a few club sodas. And I says, 'Abdullah, you want these precision-guided bombs or not? I'm not going any lower, and to tell you the truth, you don't take 'em, I can pretty much backdoor 'em to any country I please.' So he hesitates all slow, then says, 'OK.' We shake hands, and that's how I closed that shit."
The huge sale makes the President the lead contender to win the grand prize: a three-day vacation to Aruba, plus a football signed by Redskins running back Clinton Portis.
Scientists have appeared to gain headway versus the impending rat shortage by announcing they've manufactured a rat heart from scratch. Oh, and pancakes too, just like your mother made them.
The team then received the shocking news you can actually create a new rat by having two current rats have sex, saving yourself millions of dollars in lab fees. However, the discovery is great news for all those on the "Rat Heart Waiting List," which is normally backed up ten years, and ethically suspect since it relies on patients rooting for young, healthy rats to get into car accidents.
Hey elderly people! If you're in the mood to smile weakly, then walk - don't run - to see "The Bucket List!" Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman play two guys who never saw the NBC show "Thirty Good Years" where two older men decide to do everything they were never able to do in life. The film is inspirational - Like me, you'll be inspired to die before the ending.
FYI, "The bucket list" refers to a list of things to do before you die, and not a list of actual buckets, which would have been more exciting.
Oh, and if it makes things even more enticing - in the movie, both of these guys have terminal cancer.
Working for a bald, angry despot is so much fun, top Rudy Giuliani aides are now doing it for free. Rudy Giuliani has stopped paying his top political aides in South Carolina, a sign the campaign is in financial trouble, or, more likely, Giuliani is keeping the money for himself. The aides are reportedly excited to receive some, "Top-notch interning experience." However, the campaign's hopes seem to be turning up a bit as South Carolinians are really going for Rudy's whole, "I'm the mayor who got Amadou Diallo off the streets," shtick.
Giuliani is holding a new set of fundraisers where for $50 you get to meet him, but for $100 you don't have to.
Hot new couple alert! John McCain and Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary last night, demonstrating that Americans are so eager for change, they'll even vote for the same people who got us in the situation we're in right now. "Americans are tired of politics as usual, and so am I," Clinton said. "And that's why I vow to not act like myself ever again - and people are responding to that!"
For his part, McCain took the results as a stern rebuke of his position on Iraq. "By supporting me, you've clearly demonstrated they loath everything I stand for," McCain told supporters. "I've heard your message loud and clear, and I will be the candidate who changes myself - all the way to the White House!"
After a week in which she got clobbered in Iowa then nearly cried because someone asked her a question, finally some good news for Hillary Clinton: There is an actual New Hampshire citizen who's considering voting for her.
Gus Schrum told reporters, "I like that Hillary fella. He's got a nice head of hair, and he sticks to his guns on Iraq. If I feel like driving a quarter of a mile today, he gets my vote."
Meanwhile, Britney Spears has gone on record saying, "Hillary Clinton is a mess. I mean, you're in the public eye - pull yourself together!
Someone then informed the GM spokesman that we have remote control cars, and he got very sad.
Roger Clemens is suing his former trainer Brian McNamee for defamation after McNamee testified he injected Roger in the buttocks (with HGH) - because I'm sure McNamee is a guy who tries to build himself up by falsely claiming he spent a lot of the '90s hanging around butts. That seems like a good lie to tell.
Clemens wants to make clear he's not denying McNamee injected his butt, but says he did it instead with Lidocaine and B12, just like we all have our friends do when we need Lidocaine. Calling McNamee's remarks, "Untrue and defamatory," Clemens maintains he had an, "Everyday, normal growth spurt at age 35."
Clemens also denies ever saying, "You might as well put those steroids on my butt, because that's where they're going anyway." Clemens says through the lawsuit, he wants to clear his name, and strengthen his reputation, like you would by injecting your reputation with Vitamin B12, if your reputation had a butt.
Based on McNamee's testimony, the Mitchell Report on Performance Enhancing Drugs in Baseball concludes that HGH is not effective in the playoffs.
Earlier this morning, America's hottest pop star Britney Spears, was taken to a Beverly Hills hospital after learning they had an entire room filled with Vicodin and Codeine. In recent days, Spears had worried handlers by appearing sober, but fortunately that's no longer the case.
In other great news for the Spears clan, Britney's son Sean Preston Spears is going to be a father! News as Gossip is proud to be the first to break the news that the two-year old has impregnated one of his nannies. The family plans to give an exclusive interview and picture session to OK Magazine, but wanted everyone to know they thank the Lord for this unexpected blessing!
Mike Huckabee and Barack Obama won yesterday's caucus and have been declared Co-Presidents of Iowa a/k/a the "Show Me Nothing" state. Both seemed to be under the impression that the Iowa election had something to do with eventually holding national office, but we all know that has to be a mistake because why the hell would we let Iowa decide anything for the rest of the nation? Ah, Iowa. So cute, so naive.
As their first moves, Obama vowed to withdraw two of our troops from Iraq as an experiment, while Huckabee declared the world would end on March 8th, 2009 so until then, all Christians get a tax break.
For some reason, Iowa loser Mitt Romney has vowed to keep traveling to other states until every single person in the nation realizes how unlikeable he is.
With just hours to go before a group of cornpone, self-righteous, mouth-breathers decide the fate of our nation, Republicans Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee remain in a dead heat. With an IV Slurpee bag hanging next to her, one voter explained, "They're both so great. I mean they both hate abortion and love shooting animals, which is exactly what we need in our next leader. But it's hard to choose between someone who wears secret sacred underwear, and a guy who doesn't believe in dinosaurs. Those are both such appealing qualities."
Many Iowa Republicans say they're planning to check boxes for both men, or simply write in, "Huckaney," or "Romnabee" on their ballot, hoping the two men will duct tape themselves together for the next five years.
