Herve Villechaize Look-a-like Favored to Win "American Idol"

Herve is on the right

Da Plane truth is that "American Idol" enfant terrible David Archuleta has stolen the looks, hair, and flair of "Fantasy Island" megastar Herve Villechaize. Reportedly he even cribbed Herve's Boys size 8 bomber jacket.

Archuleta, whose voice evokes Josh Groban, Michael Bolton, and other people women like for no reason was praised by the judges for singing "Imagine," in a way that makes you wish for war, nations, and more religion. He is an unbelievable performer - after watching him, you can't believe someone so tiny ruined your favorite song. If Archuleta wins "Idol," he could join music's other biggest stars: Taylor Hicks, and Ruben Studdard.

Unconfirmed rumors say Archuleta celebrated his performance by injecting hot chocolate and eating six sleeves of Lorna Doones.

It's Her Race to Lose, Literally

Hillary Clinton's new "Telephone ad" asks, "Who would you rather answer the White House phone at 3 a.m. during a crisis?" The answer is obviously: an angry 60 year-old woman. We need the type of President who, in spite of 40 years in the public eye can't stand at a podium and deliver a sentence like she's a normal human being. We need someone who gets so desperate and angry about their own personal failings that they seek to change the rules halfway through the game.

I'll guarantee this - she undoubtedly has the most experience of answering the phone at 3 in the morning. Mostly from people calling to say, "You better come pick up your husband."

As Economy Slows to a Crawl, Hardest Hit is Gazebo Industry

The latest economic indicators show growth has skidded to a virtual standstill rate at 0.6%, numbers that foreshadow even more pain for the nation's already beaten-down gazebo manufacturers. In fact, Consumer confidence surveys consistently show Americans believe that now is the worst time in history to start building a gazebo.

But don't tell that to gazebo professional Hans Devonshire. "I understand most people don't view gazebos as a necessity, but what else are you going to use as a staging area when you have a dixieland concert in your backyard? Or what if you want to entertain your neighborhood with a mayoral debate-slash-Mark Russell performance?"

Still, Devonshire's message is lost on many of America's young. "Man, fuck gazebos," says hip-hop star Soulja Boy. "I want ain't playing inside no mother-fucking wooden octagon."

Only One Problem with Proposed Olsen Twins Coffee Table Book

The Olsen twins are publishing a coffee table book called "Influence" through Penguin Young Readers Group. Um...has anyone pointed out to them that no one under 21 owns a coffee table???

The book will also feature exclusive photos of the twins that show them wearing stupid things while looking exactly like each other. It will also contain never-before-seen interviews that I'm sure will shed a lot of light on why the person who found Heath Ledger's body would call you four times before dialing the EMTs.

Stop Calling It "Us" Magazine When I Have Nothing to do with It

How is this "Us?" All of it was your idea, not mine. Do I give a feces that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston called off their meeting? No! I didn't even know they were going to have a meeting. At any point did "Us" come to me and say, "Hey, I'm thinking of doing 26 pages on evening gowns, what do you think?" (answer - believe it or not - no, they didn't). Was it my idea to corner one of the leading presidential candidates and ask him how he's storing his dong? Again, no. So stop trying to draw me into your seedy little world, "Us."

Magazine Retracts Black Crowes' Review for Being Correct

Are you ready to rock?? Me either!

Maxim Magazine apologized for publishing a negative review of the new Black Crowes' album by a writer who hadn't listened to it. Maxim then promoted the writer to "Psychic-In-Chief."

"How he knew the album would sound 'sloppy, boozy, raspy, 'Rolling Stones-lite,' - the audio equivalent of eating the gristle,' without ever once hearing it is an amazing feat to be lauded, not condemned," Maxim editor James Kaminsky said. "From here on in we'll be reviewing every record two weeks before our competitors. Our policy toward movies will remain the same, with Peter Hammond praising things like 'Fool's Gold,' for no reason."

Maxim continues to be the #1 magazine with date rapists in the 18 to 34 demographic.

Infection Costs Naomi Campbell Strength in Phone-Throwing Arm

If you're an assistant whose head hasn't been battered by a phone lately, that may be because supermodel Naomi Campbell has checked into a Brazilian hospital to be treated by that country's top infection specialist. Campbell reportedly felt so ill this morning she called in sick to putting on a bathing suit and standing there. Doctors predict after a quick course of antibiotics she should be up and mistreating people in no time.

Highest Ratings for Most Exiciting Oscars inOSCARS BOMB!

Last night was one of the most exciting dullest in memory, as glitz, glamour, and substance rampant egos, stupid dresses, and long lists of names no one has ever heard of were on full display.

"No Country for Old Men" won several Oscars trophies of naked guys without genitals in a dramatic and emotional completely expected and dull victory.

As Marion Cotillard stepped to the podium for her "Best Actress" win in "La Vie en Rose" (loosely translated, "The Life and Times of Reggie," a dramatic cascade of applause a hush came over the crowd because they were bored. Cotillard won for her portrayal of Edith Piaf, inventor of the eponymous "Rice Piaf."

Ralph Nader Enters Race; Vows to Stay in as Long as There's Catered Food

Saying he was, "Looking forward to free sandwiches," and "Could really use the housing," Ralph Nader entered the race for the Presidency. Hot off four years of doing nothing, Nader says he's the only candidate willing to fight for minority groups like, "Himself," and, "People who don't want a good President."

This is Nader's fourth run for President. In 2000, he was able to win votes by appearing Obama-like while standing next to Al Gore. Nader is a viable option for those who like Dennis Kucinich but think he's too realistic.

PREVIEW REVIEW: "Sex and the City" Trailer Great News for All Fans of Gray Pubes

Here it is! What we've all been waiting for! These ladies are full of great jokes like, "I don't really believe in marriage - now Botox on the other hand..." and "Should I get you a diamond? No, just get me a really big closet." They speak in cool, hip phrases like, "You just said a mouthful there, sister!" I mean, can you even stand it????

Here's what we learn from the trailer:

• Horse-faces have tons of options


• They still haven't really figured out the difference between the brunette one and the redhead one, but are hoping we haven't either


• If The Big Apple has a soundtrack, and it's xylophone music!


• There is one Black person in New York, and she just moved there


• Kim Cattrall owns the world's biggest hat.

Former Aide Defends McCain, "I Can't Imagine Him Having Sex at All"

A former John McCain campaign worker called reports that the Senator had an affair with a female lobbyist, "highly implausible," adding, "I can't picture it at all. Seriously, and I've tried."

When pressed further the worker continued, "Normally I try to start by envisioning the Senator taking off his clothes and putting on some soul music - maybe something from Stax in the late '60s. Sam Cook? Sure. Then I picture the legs. Is he wearing garters? No doubt. Then I like to think of him sweet-talking me, asking if I'm comfortable, caring about my needs...and it's usually then I hit a roadblock and switch the fantasy to Trent Lott."

News as Gossip - Your Only Source for Oscars Predictions

Host Jon Stewart is being fitted for a tuxedo with a 22-inch inseam (I’m sure his seminal Richard Armitage references won’t be lost on Casey Affleck.) Fans of “Into the Valley of Elah” have booked up every available hotel room. Which means, it’s almost time for the biggest night in Hollywood; the night when all your favorite stars come out like…Saoirse Ronan and Marion Cotillard. It only happens twice a year: “News as Gossip” presents: Oscars predictions.

BEST ACTOR

Apparently, only these five films had actors in a leading role.

In “Michael Clayton” George Clooney convincingly portrays the disaster that ensues when an attorney stops caring about billable hours. This was a particularly grueling role since Clooney’s character had to climb up a dirt hill in every scene of the movie.

I will not vote for Daniel Day-Lewis until he collaborates with M. Night Shyamalan in a “Day-Night” production.

Did you know the war in Iraq is bad? No? Then you should see “Into the Valley of Elah.” Apparently things in the Middle East aren’t going as well as we were led to believe in “Syriana.”

With his performance in “Eastern Promises,” Viggo Mortenson cements his reputation as the poor man’s Hugh Jackman.

PREDICTION: Johnny Depp wins for “Sweeney Todd,” spurring talks of a sequel in which Sweeney Todd goes to work in Cedric The Entertainer’s barbershop.

BEST ACTRESS

This is a tough category because so many chicks cried in movies this year, but these five were truly the most depressing.

Every year someone has to get nominated for playing some stupid king or queen, and this year Cate Blanchett did an amazing job of wearing a doily around her neck.

Julie Christie taught us the important lesson that not everyone with Alzheimer’s wets their pants.

Several people who walked into the wrong theater by accident were lucky enough to catch Marion Cotillard portraying Alan Cumming in “La Vie en Rose.” This movie brought all the excitement of a seminar on Edith Piaf to the big screen.

And what can you say about Ellen Page in “Juno” other than that she made being cool uncool again? Hopefully this movie will teach America's teenage girls that they really aren't very interesting.

PREDICTION: Laura Linney in “Savages.” This may give Linney the profile bump she needs to land those coveted roles playing Jessica Alba’s mother.

BEST PICTURE

“Atonement” – this movie dramatically captures how misunderstandings could lead to tragedy before cell phones were invented. If you’re a man who has done something wrong in his relationship, you may be forced to see this movie.

“Juno” – it’s not often that you can say Jennifer Garner steals a movie, and this is no exception. You’ll be impressed with this film’s dialogue if you’ve never talked to an actual human being. And while you’re watching this, remember that it’s way better than “Knocked Up.” Because actually being funny is easy. But just being a little funny…that deserves trophies.

Did you enjoy the LSAT’s? Then you’ll love “Michael Clayton.” After seeing this movie, you’ll think twice about sabotaging a class-action lawsuit.

“There Will be Blood” – it was much harder to cut through grime in the 1800s.

PREDICTION: “No Country for Old Men.” The pick of the litter of this year’s comedies. A guy with a bowl cut chases a local idiot around Texas, then shoots him in the head with compressed air. Another guy has a weird dream. The end.

SPECIAL BONUS PREDICTION: Robert Altman will win an honorary Oscar. Mark my words!

Hillary Clinton Confident She Can Still Stave off John Edwards

After losing both the Wisconsin and Hawaii primaries yesterday, Hillary Clinton stepped up her attacks on John Edwards to prove she can still beat someone.

"What kind of man promises all sorts of things, then drops out of the race?" Clinton asked a man who mistook her for a mustard salesperson. "It's time for John Edwards to stop hiding. He must have at least $20 left to run ads - well run them then! And let's talk about his record. It's easy to say you're running for President, but how do you not even make it to the Texas primary? And do you know how much he pays for a haircut?"

New polls in Ohio show Hillary running a mere five points behind the Michigan Wolverines.

U.S. to Shoot Down Satellite, Barring a Light Drizzle

This satellite is praying for an unfavorable dew point
The U.S. government will display its stunning anti-missile capability and shoot down an errant satellite tonight, unless weather prevents it. Since the Reagan administration, the Pentagon has been preparing to defend against a sneak attack during a bright, sunny day with temperatures in the mid 70's. Traditionally battles - like baseball games - are called off due to rain, which is why most wars are now fought in the desert.

Cuba's Castro Resigns; World Wonders, "How Will this Affect Cigars?"

Late last night Cuban leader Fidel Castro submitted a letter of resignation to himself, officially ending his 48 year tenure. Fidel's 76 year-old brother Raul now takes over Cuba, as part of a "Youth movement." U.S. reaction was muted until Republicans can figure out if there's a way to condemn the new administration but still get cigars.

Fidel Castro was born on August 13, 1926 with a full beard. He led a band of rebels that overthrew the Batista regime in 1959, which endangered U.S. access to cigars. In 1961 a group of Cuban exiles with CIA backing attempted to overthrow Castro at the Bay of Pigs in order to take over cigar production. The move failed, leading to a tense world crisis two weeks later as the U.S. and U.S.S.R. almost got into a nuclear confrontation over cigars.

Two years ago, Castro signed a lucrative endorsement deal with Adidas.

New Amtrak Security Measures Force Terrorists to Ride Bus

Bombs are the most pleasant thing this dog is going to sniff

In response to six year-old terrorist threats, Amtrak unveiled new security measures including bag inspections and bomb-sniffing dogs that are expected to force terrorists to ride the bus. Making trains run even later is just an additional side benefit.

The move is expected to help Greyhound, which likes to refer to its fleet of buses as "Giant cars without seatbelts." Greyhound is optimistic that the mutual fear between a stagecoach of just-released prisoners, Al Quaeda members, and run-of-the-mill drunks will make it safe for the recent immigrants who haven't heard that the bus is a barless jail on wheels.

Ocean Pollution Increasing; Fish Obviously to Blame

For millions of years, fish have been treating the ocean like a giant toilet and it's finally coming back to haunt them as "Dead zones" are expanding and killing everything in their path. The fish are trying to blame it on man-made global warming, but no one's buying it as millions of octopuses pee indiscriminately all around them. It's particularly bad around Oregon, where mass crab extinctions are the obvious result of them literally shitting where they eat.

Romney Flip-Flops on Support for McCain

The candidate most people would like to have a non-alcoholic beer with
Mere weeks after calling John McCain dishonest, liberal and unworthy of the Republican nomination, Mitt Romney has once again changed positions and endorsed McCain for President. Romney said, "In these times, what we need is someone dishonest, liberal, and unworthy enough to succeed the great President George W. Bush, which is why I am endorsing John McCain for President. Now if you'll excuse me I have to attend a ribbon cutting at an abortion clinic paid for by a giant increase in taxes. Thank you."

A Straight Guy Talks About "Project Runway"

Keep in mind my only experience in fashion is watching "Devil Wears Prada," on a plane, and all I could think was, "When is everyone going to recognize that she's going out with Vincent Chase?"

First of all, I hate the Bluefly.com accessory wall. "Oh you just spent three days laboring over a custom garment? How about matching it with a shitty $10 purse?" Great, thanks. Maybe we'll just throw an Old Navy t-shirt on her too.

Also, Tim Gunn seems like a nice guy but I don't see how shouting, "Make it work!" helps at all. If you're going to use a phrase that much, vary your tone...maybe whisper it sometimes, scream it at others. Or take out a pistol, point it at the person, and fire it to reveal a flag that says, "Make it work." While they weep say, "Yeah - and next time it'll be a real gun. This time it was just a 'Tim Gunn.'"

So this week decides who gets to go to Fashion Week in Bryant Park and not get paid for it. As usual, everyone sucked. Tim told everyone that their makeup design would be considered almost as important as their garment. Then he brought in an Estee Lauder expert who just told them what to do with the makeup and they weren't judged on it at all. It was almost as big a waste of time as when a model gets eliminated at the beginning. News flash: no one cares about those twats. You could replace them every week and we wouldn't notice.

Your next show is about finding models, so either fold that show into this show, or just treat the models like the dumb, unnecessary glorified whores that they are.

Now to the contestants:

First up - Rami, the notorious drapist. Stop treating women like they're windows! Why are you obsessed with drapes? Is it because Israel has a mandatory draft? (get it?) Fortunately, his time to a show has drawn to a close (again, get it?) Maybe next year try hanging shades off of these chicks.

Christian, who makes clothes that most people wouldn't be caught dead in. Or alive in. Inspired by a Spanish warrior, his outfit looked like something that was in the display window of a Chess King in 1608. This really impressed the judges, and I'd like to see them forced to wear this debacle on a New York subway.

Chris once again taught me that a giant mound of useless fabric on one's shoulder constitutes "Couture." He had made the same dress before; on the other hand, he impresses me each week he doesn't succumb to gout. Side note: anyone who can fall asleep while sitting down is generally in very poor health.

Jillian again made one of her trademark jackets. You know - jackets, the thing you wear to the door of a party then instantly throw on someone's bed and forget about. Even the models always take them off half way down the runway. Maybe next week she'll make a parka.

Thankfully, the judges finally gave Sweet P something to really cry about and sent her home. Everything she makes looks like a costume for a wizard in a junior high play. I enjoyed watching her because I don't fully believe she had ever designed clothes before.

Who do I think will win fashion week? I look for Chris to sweep with a line of gingham bathrobes with giant useless scrunchees on the shoulder.

Strike Over, Hollywood Writers Go Back to Procrastinating

Hollywood writers have signed a settlement that allows them to go back to lying about being able meet deadlines immediately. Negotiations between writers and producers had stalled for months, until two weeks ago when the heads of FOX and ABC told Writers' Guild chief Patric Verrone, "It's time to go inside and settle this like Jews."

The deal was signed just in time so the Academy Awards could proceed hosted by scab Jon Stewart. Stewart was chosen to host as the Academy seeks to shift the tone of the Oscars from “glitzy” to “preachy.” I'm sure his trenchant Larry Craig references won't be lost on Viggo Mortensen.

Exclamations from the Editor!

Yeah, America may be the fattest country in the world, but we also have the best personality!

When is Dick Cheney going to just MAN UP and enter this race?

Forget "National Treasure 2" - "Fool's Gold" is a much better movie where people search for treasure!

Werther's Originals are so good, I would eat Werther's Derivatives!

How come I'm so great with my RIGHT HAND but so bad with my RIGHT FOOT??

You haven't heard much from Raisa Gorbachev lately!

You'll never understand me until you too have had a SPORTS HERNIA!

I'll take BILLY RAY CYRUS over daughter MILEY any DAY!

If you stack a few pillows just right in bed, sometimes it feels just like a WOMAN.

Hey, Bill Hader: at least Dana Carvey was a GENTLEMAN.

Tortilla chips should come in shapes other than CIRCLE and TRIANGLE.

If I had a son, he would be named MARVIN.

"I before E except after C?" oh come on!

"Juno" was much better in FRENCH.

For every fourth grade basketball player in America: PLAY ZONE DEFENSE, STUPID!

For heaven's sake, if you're going to write music, do it in BASS CLEF.

"Lars and the Real Girl?" Call it what it is: "K-PAX" WITH A FUCK DOLL.

As Race Grows Tighter, Obama Threatens to Pull Away - Just Like Every Other Man

With the Democratic race extremely close, Hillary Clinton is worried that Barack Obama - like other men who fear closeness - may reflexively pull away, leaving her behind. Obama is reportedly uncomfortable with closeness, electoral or otherwise, and Hillary's friends believe she needs to give Obama his distance or he will either leave her in the dust or withdraw completely.

"It's a Catch-21," an insider explained. "Hillary wants to remain near Obama, but the more she shows it, the more desperate she appears. And it's like Obama can smell this desperation, he's on the road six days a week, and it's getting harder and harder to hang onto him."

Meanwhile, an Obama associate was significantly more glib. "It's over. This is what Barack does. As soon as you get close to him he makes plans to get more space. From now on she'll be lucky if they're even friends."

No Truth to Rumor Angela Lansbury to Star in "Rape, She Wrote"

We have no idea how this one got started but it is definitely not true that Angela Lansbury will star in a "Murder, She Wrote" spinoff called, "Rape, She Wrote," in which a mystery writer solves rapes in small-town Maine. Obviously, "Rape, She Wrote," is a horrible and offensive idea for a series even though it would pair pretty well with "CSI." Please stop emailing this site asking when and where, "Rape, She Wrote" will air.

Phoenix Suns Acquire Shaquille O'Neal for Display in Arena Lobby

The Phoenix Suns have pulled off one of the great trades in NBA history, getting Shaquille O'Neal (who reportedly is still able to walk without assistance) for Shawn Marion and Marcus Banks (neither of whom has a rhyming name). Phoenix GM Steve Kerr explains, "The Miami Heat originally offered to give us Shaq for nothing. I counter-offered with Shawn and Marcus, and we were quickly able to close a deal. Then, Heat GM Pat Riley also sold me a used 1998 Nissan Altima for just $80,000! I couldn't believe my luck! Afterwards, I had lunch at Subway, and they had a great special: a six-inch turkey sandwich for $700. Of course I bought three!"

The Suns, whose other center is a stone obelisk, will position Shaq on a pedestal in the lobby of US Airways arena as part of an exhibit called, "History of People Who Can Barely Budge." O'Neal, who many regard as the greatest "Shaquille" of all time, commemorated the trade with one of his trademark "raps":

My name is Shaq

I like to rap

When I sit my legs make a lap

I own a cap

My wife had a pap...

...Smear!

My favorite character on "Freaks and Geeks" was Sam Weir!

Rumor is Phoenix isn't done maneuvering. Inside sources tell me they may also sign George Mikan.

Mitt Romney Quits Campaign, Drowns Sorrows in 2% Milk

After being out-religioned by Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney ended his national candidacy to become President of Utah. Romney told a roomful of his supporters, "It's time now for me to go home and spend time with my wives. But I learned a lot during this campaign. I learned that there are Black people. I learned that the American people love religion, but only certain religions, otherwise they have a huge problem with it. Someday hopefully soon, this country will understand that the #1 qualification for President should be making deals with Staples."

Romney also noted that "Mittromney.com" will continue to be your awesome one-stop source for all cool things Mitt including "Mittwear," hot chocolate reviews, and interactive choral singing.

Iraq, Economy Can Wait While Congress Investigates the 1998 Toronto Blue Jays

Rejected headline? "Ace in His Hole."

Roger Clemens was on Capitol Hill today for a completely necessary hearing on things he has injected into his butt in the last ten years. The Committee on Ways, Means, and Ass Shots heard from both Roger Clemens and former trainer Brian McNamee who brought used syringes and gauze pads, only to be told, "Get that away from the good upholstery."

Clemens continues to deny all allegations of cheating saying that his remarkable late 30's renaissance was due to a strenuous regimen of nutrition, workouts, and undetectable steroids. We just hope this scandal doesn't taint the legacy of teammates such as Ed Sprague and Felipe Crespo.

Exit Polls Show 48% of Americans are Huge Liars

As "Super Tuesday" becomes "Whip 'Em Out Wednesday," we're left to dissect the results of yesterday's primaries which reveal some interesting trends.

Hillary Clinton is in the lead and polling strong. Of those who plan to vote for a woman, 83% say it's Hillary.

Barack Obama remains her most potent challenger. Obama, who is reportedly Black, appeals to those who like change but hate details. If elected, he has vowed to increase the amount of notary publics in the U.S. by up to 3,000.

John McCain has vowed to pretend to be even more religious until he has the nomination locked up. He's polling very strong with a key Repubican demographic - those with jowls.

Although he captured only one delegate, Mitt Romney continues to maintain a double digit lead among people who want to vote for a guy who's never had a cup of coffee. Romney's best hope is to see what happens if he shows voters his secret underwear.

Yesterday's big winner was Mike Huckabee, who surprised everyone who thought people who would vote for him wouldn't understand how to work a voting machine. Huckabee plans to parlay this momentum into losing at a later date.

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen: "The Hottie and the Nottie"

The synopsis is, "Nate has to choose between Cristabel and her best friend June." "Has to choose??" No he doesn't! He could date any of the other 2.5 billion women in the world besides Cristabel and her best friend June. He could date both Cristabel and June - there is no law against it. This is a completely false choice, ergo THIS MOVIE DID NOT NEED TO HAPPEN.

Hillary Clinton Urges Minorities to Get Out and Vote on Super Wednesday

Even with Barack Obama's lead in minorities threatening her candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Clinton proved herself a sport by urging voters of color to get out and vote on "Super Wednesday." "You need to be heard," Clinton told an audience of African-American and Latinos, "And that begins by getting to the polls on Wednesday. That's less than 24 hours away so mark it on your calendars. I know many of you aren't going to vote for me, but I still urge you to exercise your right - once again, so you don't forget - on Wednesday. Say it with me, 'Wednesday.'"

Meanwhile polling precincts are expecting record turnouts since, "I was out voting," is a great excuse to run late for work.

OK We Lost, but I Still Get to Be Tom BradyBy Tom Brady

I'm guessing you saw the Super Bowl. Yes, we lost. I'm not happy about it, as you can see from this picture taken two minutes after the game. I was really down, then I realized, "Hey - I'm still Tom Brady."

Let's play a little game of "Imagine." Who would you rather be, Eli Manning (gap toothed, googly-eyed, mouth-breather) or me, Tom Brady? He's marching down Broadway today covered in scraps of paper. Right now, I'm covered in supermodel. As I'm typing this, I can see the shadow of my reflection in the monitor, and even the silhouette of me is enough to bring a smile to my eyes, and when I see that smile, how can I be upset? I'm Tom Brady.

So many people are not Tom Brady. There are too many to list them all here, but open a phone book sometime and read every name except "Tom Brady." You'll see for yourself, it's pretty staggering how few people get to experience being me. I can only think of one off the top of my head.

What's so great about being Tom Brady? Here's an example: I'm dating Giselle. I'm in a Stetson ad for Giselle. So not only am I with the world's most beautiful woman, I'm actually making money by being with her. That's just one small example of what I call "The Tom Brady Experience."

So Giants, yes, congratulations. But also me, congratulations.

Eli Manning Disappoints Fans by Winning

This is the Eli Manning I know

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning alienated a substantial portion of his fan base yesterday by leading his team to a Super Bowl victory over the New England Patriots.

You don't become an Eli Manning fan because you want forth quarter drives, last second heroics, and spectacular improvised plays. You become an Eli Manning fan because you like mouth-breathing hayseeds. You become an Eli Manning fan because you were also too chicken to play in San Diego. You become an Eli Manning fan because you like watching interceptions being run back for touchdowns. You become an Eli Manning fan because you love hearing the words, "Third and nine." You become an Eli Manning fan because his jersey is normally at least 40% off.

That is why all over New York City today, you'll see thousands of Manning jerseys in the garbage. Nice bait and switch, jerk.

Lesson From Natalee Holloway Case: The Dutch Have Funny Last Names

Someone check those bags for bodies

Regardless of who killed who...Van Der Sloot? Van Der Eem? Those are just flat-out fun to say. It's probably why so many people travel to Aruba each year.

And now - buzzkill alert! - Van der Sloot was taped saying Natalee Hollooway died during sex and he threw her out to sea, which - after watching a lot of "Oprah" - I can confirm means he's just not that into you. I mean, some guys are so afraid of commitment!

Underdog Bud Lite Poised for Bud Bowl Upset

This year's Bud Bowl tells a tale of opposites. One team, Bud, undefeated, setting scoring records and playing stout defense. Another team, Bud Lite, only gelling the tenth week of the season, pulling victory from defeat against Corona and Pabst in the playoffs, and overcoming key injuries to make the Bud Bowl.

Yet these gutty light bottles are anything but cowed. Ask any one of them and - to a can - they'll tell you they believe they can topple a giant in spite of looking and tasting like diluted urine.

Watching them practice this week, and the way they handled themselves with the press, I almost believe it. They have what I refer to as "swagger" - like David Eckstein and Darrin Erstad, they use "eagerness" to cover for how awful they truly are at their sport. Do you believe in miracles? Me either. But Bud Lite does. And so I'm predicting: Bud 60, Bud Light 0.

Cut Internet Cable Leaves MidEast Stranded with Nothing to be Angry at

A widespread internet outage in Dubai has left millions without access to images to rail against, causing additional anger at depravation of said images. Militant citizens are being asked to use their imaginations to conjure up infidel acts until an undersea cable can be restored. Residents are reportedly incredibly, "Dubored."