Dog Depression Can be Countered with Exercise, Therapy, Sniffing More Buttholes

If your dog is depressed, experts say you may be able to help by giving your dog therapy or leaving your dog a 'food puzzle," to solve while your gone. They also say a fresh butthole to sniff or leg to hump may be just the trick to solve Fido's blues.

"Exercise is always the first the we recommend," says a leading veterinarian. "It takes the mind off anxiety and calms the nerves. Of course, so does a brand new cornhole. Smelling the same bungchutes day after day can give your dog a sense that his world is an endless, hopeless cycle. I recommend introducing at least three new butt cavities to your pooch a month for optimum happiness."

Hillary Clinton Determined Not to Admit Defeat Until Later

Vowing to stay in the race until every last person in America was positive they don't want to vote for her, Hillary Clinton will postpone admitting she's lost the nomination until at least 2010. "Think of this race as Iraq. I'm going to occupy it for the next 15 years at least. This is my race to lose, and lose I will!" Clinton exclaimed while thinking of a few other bad things to say about Barack Obama.

"Have you even seen Obama's shoes?" she asked a crowd composed of 80% cats. "Loafers. Do you want a loafer in the White House? Or someone who can 'Pump,' things up?? It's time to give Obama the 'boot.'"

UN Declares Two Biggest Threats to Mankind Are:1) Climate Change2) "Egg Farts"

Developing...

Things Go From Bad to Worse as Iraq Conflict Leads to New Ryan Phillippe Movie

President Bush finds himself on the hot seat again today as the five-year conflict in Iraq has directly caused a new movie by Ryan Phillippe. One Baghdad resident said, "I thought things were bad here, then I learned Americans might have to see another Ryan Phillippe movie - it really puts things in perspective."

"Stop-Loss" is about a soldier who signs up for a tour of duty, then winds up having their stint extended because of a war. It's similar to the plight of someone who agrees to go to a movie, learns"Horton Hears a Who," is sold out, then gets dragged to see "Stop-Loss."

"I wanted to do something like 'Van Wilder' meets 'Platoon,'" the director of "Stop-Loss," said. "It's a great movie to see if you want to feel kind of bad about the war, but not so bad you have to stop text-messaging for two hours."

Designer Oil Reaches $9,000 a Barrel

While regular old oil reached $107 dollar a barrel after an Iraqi pipeline was bombed, the market for so-called "Designer Oil," continues to be much tighter. Ralph Lauren's "Petroleum" is selling for over $9,000 a barrel at Macy's. Calvin Klein's "Automotive Lubricant," is at $9,800 a barrel. And on supply worries over a crisis brewing in Venezuela, "Petrol," by Canoe reached the $10,000 mark.

Five Things I'll Remember About Chikezie

These are the five things that will linger with me after last night's elimination of Chikezie (aka "Jeff") on "American Idol".

• How his head is way to small for his body


• How is head is a perfect circle, instead of ovular


• How he always seemed to be wearing a vest, even though it wasn't cold


• How he would be drenched in sweat after singing a minute and a half long abridged version of a song, which makes you wonder how he could possibly give a concert for an entire hour and a half without an IV


• How he never took a swing at Seacrest, even though he had about 1,000 chances. Gutless.

What can we learn from his elimination? Never be true to yourself.

By the Way, It's Always Toyotathon

In case you were wondering, I have received independent confirmation by a Toyota outsider that it is never not Toyotathon. "Don't worry about missing it," my source wrote on a napkin, "It's the longest continually running "-athon" in the history of mankind. Also, there is no difference between when it's Toyotathon and not because it's all the same cars. However, this should in no way take away from the great event that is 'Nissanuary.'"

Ice Shelf Collapse Leaves Nowhere to Store Ice Books

A giant ice shelf collapsed in Antarctica, posing a real problem for those who had planned to use it to hold their ice books and ice trophies. Scientists say it's yet another sign of global warming (oh really? Gee thanks, scientists. You think?) and the loss is permanent, unless someone has a really giant ice tray they can stick in a really giant refrigerator to make more. Climatologists say the best hope to save Antarctic glaciers is to reduce carbon consumption immediately, but since that's not going to happen, the second best option is to pretend they were already broken when we got there.

Denise Richards Changing Name Back to "Denise Richards"

Start the presses! Actress Denise Richards has filed legal papers to name her name back to Denise Richards. Richards, who no one ever stopped calling Denise Richards, will no longer have no one call her "Denise Sheen."

Sheen's move (she doesn't become Richards for another 12 minutes) has inspired other actors to pointlessly announce they are keeping their names. "I am Heather Locklear," Heather Locklear told a crowd of assembled reporters.

The move has caused much confusion among Hollywood, with agents, managers, and casting people wondering whether to not call "Denise Richards," or "Denise Sheen." One agent wondered, "Next time I see her do I say, 'So nice to run into you, Mrs. Sheen,' to cover for the fact that I didn't know she had changed her name to Sheen, so she can tell me it's now 'Richards' again? This whole thing is a clusterfuck."

Hillary Clinton Clarifies Bosnia Heroism

So it turns out in Bosnia in 1996, Hillary Clinton did not single-handedly hold off Serbian jihadists with a bolt action rifle, saving an orphanage. Nor did she capture an enemy battalion after being pinned down in a 96 hours siege. No, actually it turns out all she did was walk down a strip of pavement, then open for Sheryl Crow. But did Obama even do that?

It is, however, true that Clinton was forced to dodge the spray of a water gun in the summer of 1974.

Exclamations from the Editor!

Bring back "PEPPER DENNIS," stat!

The surge IS WORKING...in my pants!

Less is more - except when it comes to quantity!

Don't count out Mike Huckabee just yet!

I'm willing to cut back on cholesterol, but not if it means giving up DEVILED EGGS!

Hey HORTON! I also heard a "Who" but no one's making a movie about it!

How the hell did Elliot Spitzer get that girl to sleep with him for just $4,000?

Can anyone out there upconvert my MP2s??!!

I'm confused by "Lost." They're on an ISLAND, right?

A Barack Obama presidency could be just what the doctor ordered for BLACK PEOPLE.

If you add up all the "Ocean's" movies, you'd have "OCEAN'S 37!" (someone check my math!)

Will we ever find a cure for LOOSE STOOL???!!??

I AM TERRIFIED OF ANTIMATTER!

Teri Hatcher is BACK! (to being completely insignificant)

Starbucks Must Pay $100 Million in Back Tips; Now Knows How We Feel

After being ordered to pay more than $100 million in back tips to baristas Starbucks says they finally get how annoying that practice is.

CEO Howard Shultz reacted, "I mean, what the hell? All these people do is transfer liquids between vessels and they want EXTRA for that? We're already paying them! Just leave the coffee on the counter and we can pour it ourselves!"

Starbucks employees are having a two thousand foot high jar erected in order to collect the settlement.

ABCnews.com "Must Reads" a Real Weekend Pick-Me-Up

"Dying child doesn't get to see her dad" - I'll get on that right now! Right after I read about that brutally murdered realtor! Thanks ABCnews.com - you have your finger on the pulse...of the dead.

Obama Pastor's Other Shocking Comments

As the comments from Barack Obama's pastor Rev. Wright continue to damage Obama's candidacy, even more controversial remarks from the Rev. have been revealed:

• "I thought 'Lucky Number Slevin' was a great movie. And you know something else - Josh Hartnett's a really good actor."


• "Hell yeah I still use Friendster! Regularly!"


• "If you have any money, invest in Bear Stearns."


• "I love the feeling of wet wool on my skin."


• "If I could somehow fight a fish, I would do it just to say "Fuck you" to the entire ocean."


• "My favorite TV show is CBS's 'Cane.'"


• "Whites should have to pay 10% more at Arby's."


• "Regular IRAs are a better idea than a Roth."


• "I think Brad Pitt wears dentures."


• "To all you teenagers out there - pop your zits. It won't leave a mark.


• "I believe in dinosaurs, but I don't think fossil fuels exist."


• "Obama makes his own potpourri."


• "A chocolate chip cookie ain't no good without loads of walnuts."


• "Mark my words - Kristy Lee Cook's gonna win 'American Idol.'"

Want Your Husband to Die? Stay Married

A new study showing that happy marriages lower blood pressure gives hope to millions of people locked in miserable marriages that their misery will kill their spouse first, allowing them to inherit everything. This is the first clinical evidence to support that a terrible marriage is a great solution for those who don't see divorce as permanent enough. So now when that miserable son-of-a-bitch husband of yours says, "You're killing me," you can smile and say, "I know."

Scientists Continue Brave Search for Excuses to Cheat on their Wives

For wives who have been cheated on, biologists have this consolation, "Hey, eagles, beavers, and geese do it too." Oh, also geese eat worms and shit wherever they feel like it, so think of how lucky you are I don't do that, honey! Now if only we could prove that animals pay for sex, to the tune of $80,000 - then all our problems would go away!

ABCnews.com Equates LeBron James with a Gorilla, then Asks if Vogue is Racist?

Here's what I see on the cover of this month's Vogue: an athlete and a model in a stupid "fun" pose, as an example of "Best bodies." Here's what ABCnews.com saw when they looked at LeBron James: a gorilla. Hey, ABC - you're the ones who fished out a still frame of Kong in a similar pose then asked if the two resemble each other. And Vogue is racist?

Up tomorrow on ABC.com: Elliot Spitzer next to a cartoon drawing of a guy with a giant hook nose with the question, "Was photographer anti-Semitic?"

Chicks Love Civil Servants

"You know the governor? I'm kind of like a much less important version of that"

In case you haven't heard, everyone in Albany, NY is getting mad laid. Unlike former Gov. Spitzer, current governor non-elect Paterson was getting it for free. Was the girl hot, Mr. Paterson? "Hell if I know."

During his time at the state house, Paterson has been known for reaching across the aisle and "accidentally" grazing a few boobs along the way.

As If They Didn't Have it Bad Enough Already, Dick Cheney Visits Iraq

Dick Cheney is in Iraq this week to show Iraqis that no matter how bad they think things are, they can always get worse. "Is it raining?" Cheney asked. "Where is my parade - you know, the one with the candy and flowers?"

The Veep managed to raise morale of the troops by pointing out that he still lives in the United States, so at least they don't have to hear about him that often. Then he argued that the troop surge is working, as evidenced by the stock market rising two percent today.

Barack Obama Once Knew a Guy Who Said a Few Offensive Things

In the last two days the Democratic Presidential campaign has been rocked by the revelation that Barack Obama knows someone who thinks that Black people haven't gotten a fair shake in America. Of course this is ridiculous and we can all laugh about it now (Open a book and you'll realize how easy Black Americans have had it) but still - the fact that an African-American presidential candidate has met someone who thinks that African-Americans have had a difficult time is a little worrisome.

We'll keep an eye on this, but in the meantime feel free to rest easy knowing that American history is nothing but a record of good and right things prevailing all of the time.

New York's New Black, Blind Governor Proves You Can Overcome Anything*

*As long as the guy in the position above you is addicted to hookers

Don't tell David Paterson there's anything he can't handle - the new governor of New York is proof that you can rise to any position in this country**.

**provided everyone in front of you solicits call girls so they are unceremoniously booted from their more prestigious position to pave the way for your ascent

Paterson hopes to inspire Democrats and Republicans to work together to solve the state's problems, and plans to use his disability as an example for how to overcome difficulty. Although it should be noted, the analogy is of little use when your "difficulty" is getting caught by the FBI spending $80,000 on prostitutes.

Paterson earned bipartisan raves for saying his first order of business will be making sure he doesn't go to a prostitute.

"News As Gossip" Exclusive Investigation Reveals Grape Nuts are Actually Tiny Boulders

Put down your spoon. Now sit down. Why were you eating while standing up? We'll address that later.

Our thorough four minute investigation shows that the post cereal that has been calling itself "Grape Nuts" is actually composed of tiny, smashed boulders (mostly granite although there are traces of quartz).

"It's low in saturated fats," you say. Well, yeah, of course, so are rocks. "It's part of a well-balanced meal." OK, maybe if the other components of the meal are trees and dirt.

"What can I do to help?" Well I think we can both agree you've already done enough.

Treasury Secretary Seeks Changes to Mortgage Rules, Urges Panic

Treasury secretary Henry Paulson wants more oversight on mortgage lenders, but in the meantime he urges homeowners, investors, and everyone else that their best hope is to panic. "If you have a house, sell it immediately while you still can," Paulson urged. "But before you do, dig up the lawn to see if there happens to be any ancient buried treasure. Because in about two weeks, the only currency that's going to have any value at all is Spanish gold dubloons from 1500 or earlier."

The treasury secretary outlined a very simple plan for those hoping to survive the upcoming economic upheaval: hoard guns and water, and try to find a refrigerator box to live in while they're still affordable.

Paulson then told reporters if they needed further comment they could try to find him in the woods somewhere outside of Alberta, Canada.

As Paulson spoke, oil reached $111 a barrel, while the dollar dropped against the euro, then yen, and dirt. Conservative estimates say society should last another 4 to 6 days.

More Pulitzer-Quality Journalism from MSNBC

You go to journalism school, you land a dream job at NBC, they finally give you a little bit of chain, and you come up with a gem of an idea.

By the way, how does Martin Landau not make this list? I guarantee he reeks of chicken soup.

Gov. Spitzer Resigns Because He Once Enjoyed Sex

Today, New York's governor for the last few months resigned after revelations that he had a satisfying sexual encounter. In what was clearly a violation of the public trust, the governor arranged for sex, paid for it, and both parties were left happy.

"You think you know a guy," one voter who did not wish to remain anonymous told me. "I mean, looking at him, you'd think he hates sex. But it turns out he loves it. Who knew?"

Today Spitzer read from a prepared statement and said he will leave office to spend more time with his family, who doesn't bill by the hour.

On Monday, it was revealed that Spitzer spent more than $15,000 on call girls which angered New York's fiscal conservatives who say that in these lean times, it's possible to have sex for much less.

Please Don't Tell the "American Idol" Judges About Jack Johnsonby Jason Castro

Pssst! Hey! Hey, bro! Yeah, you lady. I need you to do me a solid. You think you could maybe not let Randy, Simon and Paula know about Jack Johnson for a few weeks?

Because I really think I can win as long as they don't figure out I'm ripping off my whole vibe from Jack Johnson. I know you've seen it all before - the spacey look, the ripped jeans, the subtle congas. But they haven't. And if I'm going to beat that Archuleta dwarf, it's going to take everything I got.

I got my hands full here. You know how hard it is to appear humble week after week, and to sing acoustic songs looking like I'm about to cry? Well, I'll tell you how hard: Kind of.

So yo, just do me this solid. And I'll hook you up with some really good weed.

Thank you.

NY Governor Spitzer Blows Chance for a NAACP Image Award Again

I would wash that sign

New York Governor Elliot Spitzer, who already was not going to win an NAACP award because he is White, will now definitely not win one since he was caught going to a $1,000 an hour hooker.

Yes, allegedly there was sex involved. And yes, he's a real "governor" in the sack if you know what I mean and I doubt you do.

An NAACP spokesman said, "I have no idea why you contacted us in relation to this story, but I can confirm that Governor Spitzer will likely not enter into the debate for one of our coveted image awards. $1,000 an hour is simply an irresponsible figure to spend on a hooker. And the hooker was White too? I'm not saying that hurts more, but it definitely doesn't help either."

Gov. Spitzer rose to prominence in the state as someone who battled corruption while secretly seeing hookers. Voters responded to his promise for fiscal responsibility as well as his secret appetite for hookers. Oh, I forgot to mention, 87% of New York State residents are hookers.

High Gas Prices Inspire New NASCAR Carpool Lane

As oil set a new record of $107.85 a barrel NASCAR announced its tracks will now feature an HOV lane for drivers who elect to carpool. The lane aims to encourage conservation by rewarding those who carpool during races with a relatively traffic-free experience. It will also be open to those who drive hybrids, with Prius speeds expected to reach almost 70 miles per hour.

NASCAR will also provide bus service around the track for drivers interested in taking public transportation.

Scientists Detect Drugs in Water; Suspect Fish

The discovery of trace amounts of pharmaceuticals in drinking water has scientists blaming careless fish and their drug disposal techniques.

"How a salmon even gets high cholesterol when salmon fights cholesterol is beyond me," said a fed up researcher who was probably European. "And how did a fish get a prescription for Avodart? Wouldn't the ink from the prescription run under water? This is all a mystery."

He continued, "There are traces of Prozac in the water. If these trout are depressed, how come they don't talk to someone instead of self medicating?"

Scientists also suspect some fish are on estrogen after discovering male fish with suspiciously nice tits.

Obama Campaign Issues List of Acceptable Hillary Insults

After yesterday's imbroglio in which an adviser was fired after referring to Hillary Clinton as a "monster," the Barack Obama campaign issued a list of acceptable anti-Hillary slurs. They are:

• "Bog Mummy"


• "Shrill, caterwauling loser"


• "Amy Whinehouse" (requires explanation of the silent "H" denoting that she whines a lot; does not imply she is a druggie)


• "Her Whine-ness"


• "Closet drunk"


• "Bait and Bitch"


• "Corn-faced dragon"


• "Cheney in sheep's clothing"


• "Wigger"


• "Toadwoman"


• "Thunder Thighs"

Hopefully this will eliminate any confusion.

How Did Google Ads Know This About Me?

THAT WAS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, GOOGLE ADS!

If You See a Man on a Bicycle in New York City, Call the Police

After an early morning explosion in Times Square, police are searching for a man on a bicycle. Those who have seen anyone on a bicycle, be it a man or very butch woman, are urged to contact authorities.

Police say that by this time the man may have already switched to a car, so if you're in New York, and you see a man in a bicycle or a car, either perform a citizen's arrest or call the police. Thank you.

******BREAKING UPDATE******
The suspect has a face.

FBI Knows Exactly How Boring You Are

The FBI may have been listening to your phone calls. So they know you spent 40 minutes last Thursday debating whether to eat sushi or Italian. They heard you on hold with Sprint for almost an hour. They're aware that you called your ex-girlfriend in February from a payphone, then hung up. Oh, and you and your buddy talked about the Marlins starting rotation, and you thought that was a secret? No. You are so busted.

ABCnews.com Headline of the Week!

SPOILER ALERT - YES!

Texas: "No Thanks on Change and Hope"

Ohio and Texas voted resoundingly against change and hope yesterday giving new life to Hillary Clinton's presidential campaign. Polls in both states show voters incapable of imagining a better world, and completely self-satisfied as well.

In the past week, Clinton has sharpened her attacks on opponent Barack Obama saying, "What are his calls for change, except telling you that you're inadequate? Well I'm one candidate who doesn't think you've done anything wrong! You have nothing to apologize for, girlfriend!"

Obama vowed to continue hammering home his campaign's theme of "Yes We Can!" while Clinton offered a terse response: "We simply cannot. Maybe another time."

Gay Stripper "American Idol" Vows Not to "Blow this Competition"

Wait, that didn't come out right...or did it?

It's not clear whether David Hernandez'sstripper past could cause him to be kicked out of the competition, or win it. Either way, he's shown a lot of balls just to get here.

Brett Favre has Thrown his Last Interception

In yet another thing he couldn't complete, Brett Favre retired from the Green Bay Packers, causing much mourning in Green Bay because apparently a lot of professional cornerbacks live there.

Favre said that the thing he'll miss most in retirement - just like in his playing days - is open receivers.

For opposing fans who saw him play, nothing can match the feeling of your team up by four, the Packers driving down the field, and knowing you were about to celebrate an interception. Well, at least we still have Matt Hasselbeck.

Favre is best known for starting a record 275 games in a row, and throwing interceptions in most of them.

Me, in "Make a Hot Girl Laugh"

IHOP to Offer Green Eggs and Ham, This Time Intentionally

As part of a promotion for the upcoming film "Dr. Seuss' Horton Hears a Who,"IHOP will offer their normal green eggs and ham, but on purpose. This will appeal to the large segment of the population who gets so excited about a movie coming out they like to eat discolored and/or rotten food with a tie-in to the screenwriter's other works.

For some reason, MSNBC felt compelled to include in the story:
"IHOP shares fell sharply in morning trading."

Other upcoming promotions include: for "Semi-Pro," eggs served on a wet lukewarm jockstrap; for "Juno," eggs served by an asshole teenager; for "No Country for Old Men," eggs served by a guy in a bowl cut who then sprays your face with compressed air while a pockmarked guy laments how nothing can be done about it.

Clinton Steps Up Attacks; Warns if Obama Wins Things Could be "Half as Bad as They are Now"

Hillary Clinton stepped up her attacks on Barack Obama today, warning that due to Obama's inexperience, if he wins, things could, "Improve even less if they would than if someone else took over after President Bush."

Clinton said, "The last thing this country needs is to be united. Our next President needs to be someone with narrow support and little to no likability...someone who can continue to not inspire this nation...to maintain the negativity and partisanship that are the hallmarks of our nation."