Obama to Battle Rev. Wright in June 24th Cage Match

First Barack Obama distanced himself from Rev. Wright's comments. That wasn't enough. So Obama condemned the Reverend. That wasn't enough. Now Obama is taking matters into his own hands, literally.

On June 24th at Madison Square Garden, Barack Obama will battle the Reverend in an "Ultimate Fight" style cage match to show America, once and for all what he really thinks of his former clergy. "It's time for us to move beyond politics, and for me to punch 'Reverend Wrong," in his fat swollen head," Obama intoned (a fancy word for "said"). "When I'm done, he'll be seeing two Americas," Obama avouched.

"The audacity of hope? What about the audacity of me beating Barack Obama's face in?" The Reverend countered. "I'm voting for Cheney."

Back Again!!! And Ready to...Uh...We're Not Sure. We'll Let You Know Later.

I would be a lot more excited if "Kids" was spelled with a "Z."

REVIEW: "Grand Theft Auto IV" Not as Much Fun as Actual Crime

Few games have been as eagerly anticipated as the new "Grand Theft Auto IV." (IV is a Roman numeral equalling 7). Can it possibly live up to the hype? At the risk of countering the mainstream raves, I have to disagree and say that while the game is bold and fluid, it lacks the fun and joie de vivre (joy of vivre) of a real-life crime spree.

Take, for example, when you beat a hooker. In real life, the harlot might beg and plead for awhile, and you'd enjoy hearing the slut out, knowing you're going to throttle throttle that whore anyway. In the game, this sequence occurs all too quickly. The hooker doesn't go on a stream-of-consciousness plea about her kids, dogs, etc. etc. - one thump and bang! You have her money. Gratifying? Maybe. Thrilling? No.

Even stealing a car in the game is too easy. In real life, you wouldn't just hop in the car and throw someone out. You'd bash their skull or maybe take them hostage. But taking someone hostage isn't even an option in the game. Sure you can steal their money, but everyone knows that kidnapping is a much more remunerative revenue stream.

And yes there's sex in the game. But I searched the instruction manual and even the Internet for cheat codes, and was unable to unlock an "orgy mode." This is a devastating oversight. Want to masturbate? Good luck, that's not part of the game either.

This gamer was also left agape at the lack of any opportunity to use drugs in the game. Crime and cocaine go together like church and state. Is it really too much to ask for perhaps "8 ball mode" that would enhance the grisly thrill of stabbing someone in the throat? Or what about having an edible pot brownie to "come down" after a four-hour murder spree. The real victim here is verisimilitude.

For $59, I feel I was robbed. And maybe that's the point.

"American Idol" Considers Format Changes Including Dropping Singing

After a dip in ratings, "American Idol" is considering radical format changes - even ditching singing. Under this model, contestants would line up and America would judge them on a series of factors - their looks, religion, clothing - and vote for who they think would have sung the best if they sung. Judges would then critique the hypothetical performance. It might go, "Michael, had you chosen 'Purple Rain,' that would have been an awful choice, definitely out of your hypothetical range. You would have sounded like some sort of ghastly dinner theater performance on one of those ghastly cruises."

Another change being considered is holding the entire competition underwater.

Guy Who Looks Guilty Did It

People are not reeling in shock as this 73 year old man confessed to building a dungeon in the basement of his home and having seven children with his trapped daughter. Neighbors reactions ranged from, "I'm surprised that's all he was up to," to, "What else did he do?" and even, "That's it?" It's always the ones you most suspect.

Consumer Confidence at 26 Year Low while "Consumer Arrogance" Still Shockingly High

While consumer confidence decreased to 62.6 last month, consumer arrogance remained at 100% with everyone agreeing "The customer is always right." Always right? What about the people buying Fergie albums? What about men shopping for yellow turtlenecks and Von Dutch hats? What about people buying drapes that match their cat? They're right? Really?

No less than Fed Chairman Bernard Bernanke says, "Maybe it's time for customers to get off their high horses and stop behaving like little Lord Fauntleroys. You think you're so great just because you walked in a store? You deserve service immediately?? Why? Who the hell are you?"

Five Things I'll Miss About Carly Smithson

• The opportunity to use the phrase, "Hideous, braying trainwreck."


• Her great sense of humor that she kept telling us about.


• The untattooed parts of her husband's head


• Her annoying habit of remembering the words


• The way she could somehow gain weight during a song

Miley Cyrus Memoirs! Exclusive Preview!

Yes, a Miley Cyrus autobiography is in the works. And we have all the hottest excerpts like:

"When I turned 8 I really wanted a chocolate birthday cake. Mom got vanilla instead. That was how I learned to fight through adversity, even in tough times."

It's the Miley you've never seen before. The Miley who's not afraid to examine herself with introspection such as:

"My stylist thinks I look hottest in blue. But I think I look hottest in green. Guess who wins that debate? My stylist. It's important to speak up for yourself, but not that important."

Miley shows surprising maturity for her age. In such passages as:

"I'm surprisingly mature for my age."

She has so much to tell us about love, and life, and loss. How could you not feel affirmed after reading:

"So I have all this money in like mutual funds and one day it went um...DOWN?? And I lost like one percent of the money that was in there!! The next day it went up again but still I was like - WHAT THE HELL??"

Mystery Lights Above Florida, Arizona Have Scientists Wondering Why Aliens Apparently Love Shitholes

Scientists remain puzzled over reports of UFOs in St. Augustine, Florida and Phoenix, Arizona. "I live 15 minutes from St. Augustine and I would never go there, why the hell would you travel several trillion miles to observe a bunch of hicks?" said one researcher. "I bet the people who spotted the lights were like, 'How did they get their pickup truck to fly?'

"And Phoenix? I guess this makes one thing clear - for these aliens, it's definitely a business trip. Because no one would go there for a vacation."

It's "P-Day!!"

Today all eyes are on Pennsylvania for what no one wants to call "P-Day" - the day when most Pennsylvanians vote in a primary, but all Pennsylvanians urinate. Hillary Clinton continued to canvas the state, urging residents to vote, while also asking that they remember to pee. "Barack Obama doesn't want you to urinate, because he'd have your kidney become toxic," Clinton announced while holding a baby, kissing a gun, and lecturing people in a diner.

A Clinton victory in today's vote could mean she loses the nomination to Obama by slightly less.

Hamas Offers Israel 10 Year Truce - But After That, Let's Settle This Once and For All

The leader of Hamas offered Israel a ten-year truce, but then, after some time off hopes the two groups can go back to kicking each other's asses. Khaled Mashaal of Hamas told the Associated Press, "We all need a break. I for one would like to finish my degree, without being exposed to rocket fire. But I figure after ten years I'll be pissed at Jews again, they'll probably find some new reason to hate me, and we can pick up where we left off."

"How about if we have a truce, but we keep attacking them, only they weren't allowed to attack us? Do you think they'd accept that?"

Cultural Difference Found in Urine Samples, Says Scientist Trying to Justify Pee Fetish

A British scientist desperate to explain away why he has kept more than 5,000 urine samples says his pee collection proves people from different nations have different metabolisms. "After um...analyzing...yes, that's it, all these different tubes of urine," says researcher Jeremy Nicholson, "It shows that uh...people from different parts of the world eat and drink different stuff. Of course you could tell that just by watching or asking them, but then why would I be surrounded by this luscious liquid gold?"

He rambled, "This could help us predict who will have high blood pressure...and yes, of course you could determine that just by having a doctor put a cuff around your arm or using the automated machine at the supermarket, but it was only by tasting each drop of this amber deliciousness I...oh dear, look at the time!"

Am I the Only One to Notice?

Just because you have multiple husbands doesn't mean you can't wear jeans. Come on, ladies. Visit a Loehmans.

Clinton, Obama Only Have to Pretend to Care About Pennsylvania Three More Days

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are coming to the end of a grueling stretch of the primary campaign where they've had to pretend to care about Pennsylvania (aka the "Blow Me state") for two months.

"The Liberty Bell, eat a cheesesteak, you can basically experience the whole state in 4 minutes," a weary Obama noted. "I mean, what the hell else are you supposed to do here? I already went bowling...Sorry you guys are stuck here because you didn't have the guts to move after high school. Not my fault you're miserable. This place has it so bad, even my pastor wants to bless it."

"There's nothing worse than a bunch of proud hicks with their 'folksy' concerns," Clinton agreed. Then mimicking, "Ooo...you don't know how hard it is to finance a tractor. Well buy a used one, dummy. Or here's an idea - move into an apartment so you're not always mowing."

Yet Another Great Job Reporting by MSNBC

"Hey - here's an idea...you know all that stuff going on with China and Tibet and the Olympics? Let's ask Mia Farrow what she thinks about it! Then we can get a 'reac' quote from Tony Roberts. You know what? We can do a whole series of articles: Mia Farrow on Gas Prices, Mia Farrow on the Subprime Loan Crisis, Mia Farrow on the Indian Baby with Two Heads..."

"Hang on, I'm just spitballing here - what if we changed the name of the company from 'MSNBC' to 'MFNBC' - Mia Farrow NBC? All Mia Farrow reactions all the time!!"

You also have to love the headline at the bottom:

Other stories turned in by this reporter include:

• "Carol, You're Spending Too Much!"


• "I Can't Breathe in this House!"


• "All I Wanted to Do was Watch a Stupid Baseball Game Tonight, Why Am I Being Treated Like a Criminal?"


• "She's Your Mother, so You Tell Me How You Want to Handle It!"

And "Discuss" how your wife is too fat? What am I going to say? "No, she's just fat enough?"

Guys Dominate Mariah Carey Week on "Idol" - Which Makes them Hardly Men at All

Let's face it - any guy who can even name a Mariah Carey song is immediately suspect. Is Celine Dion's music not warbly enough for them? Do they want to molest butterflies? Are they a nymph?

The only two good excuses for singing Mariah Carey songs are:

• You want to anger Tommy Mattola


• You are a rainbow

So to hear guys "Dominated" Mariah Carey night is frightful on a few levels. It means:

1. Someone somewhere held a "Mariah Carey Night"


2. People watched it, while others participated


3. "Guys" being plural, there were at least two men, maybe more who agreed to participate in something called "Mariah Carey Night" then followed through on their commitment and actually sang


4. These aforementioned "guys" then "dominated" which means they didn't take the whole event as a joke or an opportunity to sabotage something called "Mariah Carey Night"


5. No one arose from the crowd to give anyone involved with this fiasco a much-needed and deserved beating


6. No one pointed out that guys should not be singing songs about other guys who left a woman probably for great reasons. I would like to hear the songs written in response to Mariah Carey songs, with titles like, "I Met Someone Who Didn't Try to Stab Me When I Accidentally Farted in Bed," "I No Longer Have to Walk on Eggshells and Worry that Random Comments Will Send You into a Five Week Anger and Shame Tailspin," and "My New Girlfriend Never Complains When We Go Out to Eat, She's Just a Grateful Person With What I Call 'Subdued Class.'"

Pope Reaching Out to Other Religions - Looking to Jump Ship?

Pope Benedict has really been kissing other religions' butts the last few dayssparking rumors that he's considering switching religions. The Pope will meet with 150 leaders from other orthodoxies in the next few days, probably to discuss who will offer him the best pension plus stock options. For those who can't see the Pope as a Hindu keep in mind Katie Couric is now on CBS and Johnny Damon plays for the Yankees. Seventy nine years is an awful long time to work for one institution.

Computer Whiz Reprograms Video Game to Propose to Girlfriend Who Doesn't Exist

A computer programmer who reprogrammed his girlfriend's favorite game to propose marriage was disappointed to learn he didn't have a girlfriend. "Talk about putting the cart before the horse," the embarrassed engineer told the assembled media. "Does anyone want to marry me just for the hell of it?"

He then admitted, "Maybe it wasn't the best idea to propose marriage in a 'Grand Theft Auto' sequence where you land a helicopter on top of an elderly woman."

Polygamy Bust "A Nightmare" for Central Texas Wedding Planners

Central Texas' already beleaguered wedding planners and dowdy clothing manufacturers took another huge hit last week after a raid on a polygamist sect. "One of my clients had three separate wedding gowns I'd made for her just for her special days this week - I mean, who else is going to want to look like a Midwestern tablecloth from the 1840s?" complained one local planner/diva. A jeweler lamented, "They took away my best customer in cuffs. He was good for 8 or 9 engagement rings a month."

And how many brides does this strand? A lot. "I'd looked forward to my big day my whole life," said a 7 year old girl. "I guess I can wait another week. We don't get much news here," she added. "Is Mitt Romney President yet?"

Cattle Virus Would Force Cows to Cancel All Their Social Plans

The Bush administration may move a cattle disease research facility close to populated areas, raising fears of disease passing from cows to humans, especially if cows continue to come to work sick. In simulation exercises, just one sick cow boarding a plane could infect the entire plane full of people. Also, in the even of an outbreak, the U.S. economy could be crippled by people calling in sick to work so they'd have the day off to make fun of people who had caught hoof-and-mouth disease.

Five Things I'll Miss About Michael Johns

• How he would select beautiful songs, then yell them at me


• The way his head looks like a giant, happy flapjack


• The way he could wear a vest and silk scarf and make them look gay


• How he evoked Michael Hutchence, if he were passing a kidney stone


• How he somehow made Aerosmith sound even whiter

American Airlines Cancels 920 Flights Leaving Thousands Expectedly Stranded

American Airlines canceled 920 flights today giving thousands of people the excuse they had hoped for to miss weddings, birthdays, and meetings.

"I can't even tell you how happy I am I don't have to go to Omaha to take care of my sisters kids," said one traveler who wished to be named. "That's why you quote/unquote 'fly' American. They don't get you where you don't want to be - on time."

The American planes have been grounded while they undergo upgrades including greasing the kick-starts and refurbishing the canvas on the wings. In the meantime, the company encourages passengers to "Walk the friendly ground."

Katie Couric May Leave CBS Anchor Desk; Not Expected to Affect Anyone

The internet is not abuzz with speculation that Katie Couric may leave CBS news, potentially to read things aloud in a monotone somewhere else. This comes after revelations that Katie Couric has been delivering the news on CBS the last three years unbeknownst to anyone. Couric's departure could pave the way for other boring things to happen. One possibility, is that an old man who should by all accounts retire may suddenly find himself with a job.

"I want to deny the rumors that I am leaving the job that few people realize I have," Couric mumbled to an egg sandwich that pretended to be reading.

Today's "Article that Shouldn't Need to be Written"

From ABCnews.com - Do we really want people to read this and say, "Oh...I get it now. It didn't seem wrong before, but now that I know about that university study, this seems a little odd. We're going to have to break up. No, I mean I can still totally see you socially. And you know what? If you don't mind, I'm going to ask out my niece. Because I'm only 80% as 'hard wired' to be repulsed by that."

Tomorrow on ABCnews.com: "Why You Might Want to Reconsider Performing Surgery on Yourself."

Bill Buckner Gets Rousing Welcome Back to Fenway; Bob Stanley Can Still Go Shit in His Hat

Yesterday Bill Buckner was welcomed back to Boston's Fenway Park like a man who didn't let the tying run of Game 6 of the 1986 World Series through his legs. Buckner threw out the first pitch, then was promptly pulled for a real pitcher.

"What a great day for healing," Buckner told a crowd that ten minutes before had wanted to pull his mustache off. "I'm so glad to finally put this behind me so we can move forward and focus on who's really responsible: Bob Stanley. He's the one who gave up the hit! He's the one who threw a wild pitch! Let's get him!"

A crowd of 40,000 angry Bostonians then stormed into the street looking for this man:

If you see him, please do not confront him yourself. He may be armed with a baseball, and is liable to throw it at you, miss completely, and hit a baby two miles away.

Exclusive! Stars with Makeup!

In response to ABC News' "Stars without Makeup!" (an idea they clearly stole from the Enquirer) - we are proud to present the first in a series called "Stars with Makeup!"

Here is Jessica Simpson as she really looks - WITH MAKEUP!!

ENDORSEMENT: John McCain Has the Experience and Bitterness to Lead this Nation

This year's Presidential election offers a clear choice: between staying locked in cynical backwards-looking partisan politics that don't work, or striving for a bipartisan future. We urge you to vote for the former, and that is why we are proud to endorse John McCain.

With the threat of a banking crisis looming, McCain is the only one who has been involved in a banking scandal before. As the only one of the "Keating 5" to keep his Senate job, McCain will help us brush banking improprieties under a rug, and set up a plan so taxpayers can help bail out ailing corporations.

Then there is the military. It's important that the rest of the world think we're crazy. It's the only way we've been able to maintain order lo these many years. Talk to our enemies? Why? They're LOSERS.

Most of all, we are an angry bitter nation and our leaders should reflect that. John McCain hates all the same things we hate. He doesn't want any mosquitos in his house. He hates paying a lot for this muffler. Nothing irks him more than a wrenched back. And that is why we urge you to vote for John McCain, if you insist on voting.

Size 16 Beauty Queen Shows Obese People Can be Shallow and Exploited Too

Pointless pageantry, gratuitous parades of flesh and idiotic displays of non-talent are no longer the exclusive domain of the shallow, skinny and stupid - now that size 16 Chloe Marshall has sidled up to the trough. Marshall shows us that "real women" can also get caught up in hysterical, epidemic stupidity and put themselves at the mercy of Z-list celebrity judges in a vain attempt to get the self-esteem they can't generate on their own. "I want to inspire young tubby girls to show them that they too can waste their lives in a way that helps no one," says Marshall. "Now if you excuse me, I need to go get my oxygen tank for the catwalk."

Comeback! Britney May Memorize and Say Another Two Sentences!

When you think of great comebacks, you think of Elvis' 1968 "Comeback Special," the 2004 Red Sox and now, Britney Spears performing an "under five" role on a show no one cares about. Producers were so impressed, they may have her return and utter an additional ten words or so.

"We had no idea she'd be able to sit still at a desk," said Spears' manager. "This is amazing progress."

Producers were mum on why they've shot about 60 episodes and we still have no idea how the hell that guy met our mother. Was it at a bar? A museum? I have an idea - how about we just ask Mom, she'll tell us.

So the Crazy Thing Is, You're Actually an Amazing Lover

A new study reveals that sex between 3 and 13 minutes is the best (read the article before they realize there methodology was flawed and take it down.) While that sounds like an eternity, keep in mind the results could have been a lot worse.

After surveying more than 1,000 men and two women with extremely low expectations, researchers say that hope to dispel the myth that it's possible to satisfy your partner. "Our findings also indicate communication worsens relationships and watching sports lowers your cholesterol," the "scientists," who look suspiciously like two guys who work in sales, said.

Five Things I'll Remember About Ramiele Malubay

The wooden way she would slowly lurch from side to side

The way she'd smile through every song regardless of the lyrics

How with her boring voice and dull performance it was unclear whether you were watching a show or commercial

Her infectious non-enthusiasm and her non-infectious enthusiasm

Her devotion to stripes

What we learn from her elimination: Always...uh, never...hmm...

'Roid Rage Still Not Enough for Canseco to Pummel the Guy Banging his Wife

Jose Canseco (a/k/a "Ho-cans") is now claiming that Alex Rodriguez slept with his wife, which in spite of taking steroids was not enough to make him kick A-Rods ass. In addition to calling into question Ho-cans' credibility, it calls into question the effects of the steroids he's taking and begs the question, "What's the point of all that muscle if you don't use it to kick the ass of the guy who is sleeping with your wife?"

Ho-cans also claims he hooked A-Rod up with a steroid dealer named Max (no word on whether A-Rod also slept with Max). A-Rod denies taking steroids saying his muscles are clearly the results of quasi-legal GNC supplements.

"Weight-Ism" worse than Racism, Probably Because Obese Won't March

A new study says the effects of weight-discrimination are worse than those of race-based discrimination, leading obese people to say they would march on Washington, if they could.

In a 275 page report described as "Big-boned" by its friends, a Yale faculty member writes, "In American society, obese people are really taking it on the chin(s). In many ways, they have it worse than African Americans. OK, yes, obese people can get served at restaurants, often too much. But it dims their employment prospects, unless they want to work on 'The View.' It's an issue we as a society need to work out...probably at 'Curves.'"

Other Things Horton Hears Besides a Who

• "Get a job, you bum."


• "Seriously, you smell like a dumpster."


• "I would like to bring you to my lab to analyze your DNA, which I believe may provide us with a direct link to the extinct wooly mammoth...No, you won't get paid.


• "If you look at my wife that way again, I'm going to tie your trunk in a noose and hang you by it."


• "When you die, can I have your pelt?"


• "I don't like you in 'skinny jeans.' You need more room in the seat."


• "Here's a peanut, now get the F out of here."


• "If you're going to go #2 on my lawn. The least you could do is pick it up. Here's a 40 gallon Hefty bag."


• "You have lice."