TomCruise.com is finally here! Get all the information a rabid fan wants like...a perfunctory biography and a couple of pictures!
After the smash miss "Lions for Lambs," Tom has never been hotter and now you can answer all your questions, like:
Excited??!? No?? Well how the hell is that my fault?
Turn to page three of Scott McClellan's new memoir, "What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and Washington's Culture of Deception," and you'll learn that President Bush thought the Iraq we were invading was the one he had built from Legos on his Crawford, Texas ranch. But flip to page 71, and you'll find a recipe for "Chipotle Skirt Steak," that will really knock your socks off. And it's zesty, homey southwest fare like this that all has Washington abuzz.
Karl Rove called accusations that the President confused war propaganda with the truth old and stale but added, "Even I have to admit, anyone who can get that much flavor and juice from a skirt steak is really onto some 'top secrets.' I mean, flank and skirt cuts are usually so tough, that when you taste one you can cut with a fork, you have to suspect the CIA is involved." Rove added, "And if I told you to add cumin to cornbread, you'd accuse me of pandering, but trust me, when Scott does it, it's delicious!"
McClellan retired as White House spokesperson in 2006 to move to Texas and build the podium of his dreams.
A bomb that could blow off people's faces without any toxic smoke? It sounds too good to be true, but German inventors have come up with plans for an environmentally-safe bomb.
"There's no reason we can't dismember and disfigure people and save the environment," the creators say. "We'd like to be able to blow apart whole villages while leaving something for future generations. Our eventual goal is a nuclear device that detonates into an organic mushroom cloud."
A witness in the R. Kelly trial was able to successfully identify the underage victim on the now famous sex-tape. "She's the one in the sex tape playing with a stuffed animal," said the witness. The witness also offered these gems:
"You can tell which one is the victim - she's the one who, after they have sex, changes into a onesie."
"Yeah, I think the victim is underage - you can tell because after they have sex, he tucks her in.
"I think he knew she was underage - the sex tape takes place in a crib."
"Oh, isn't that nice? After they had sex, he played with her mobile."
A lost parrot told a veterinarian his name and address then went on to divulge a host of devastating family secrets.
"I live at 12 Crestman Lane," the parrot began. "Dana is a passive aggressive bitch," the parrot continued. "Passive aggressive. Passive aggressive. Michael doesn't love her anymore."
"Jeffrey, the youngest is addicted to cocaine. His father thinks he's a loser. Loser, loser!" he chirped joyfully. "Kevin wears a toupee! Ronald secretly had a vasectomy!"
Justice was finally served in a Florida court yesterday as Lou Pearlman, the man who created the Backstreet Boys and 'N Sync, was sentenced to 25 years in prison. What a relief this monster is finally behind bars.
Apparently there was also the tiny issue of bilking investors out of $300 million but the court was primarily influenced by witness after witness stepping up to detail how bands composed entirely of young men with frosted tips wearing tight silver pants ruined their lives. The judge seemed particularly moved when one 28 year-old man described how his sister played "I Want it That Way" on a three-month loop.
"If you can only imagine the horror of years of hearing, "Joey's the cute one...no wait, Lance...no wait, Justin..." the man said, blowing his nose on his shirt. "Hell isn't hot enough for Lou Pearlman."
Pearlman is petitioning the court to for a special exemption that would allow him conjugal visits with his favorite sandwich.
Your inability to get boners isn't just an incredible disappointment - it also means you're probably about to die. And it won't be one of those cool heart attacks where you die having sex. No, just one of those run-of-the-mill cardiac arrests where you're found slumped over in a chair by your disappointed wife.
Oh, and at your funeral everyone is going to make "flaccid reflux" jokes.
Summer is here and you know what that means: shrimp on the grill, beer in the cooler and killing kangaroos en masse! Can it really be a year since the last time we laid waste these lovable little beasties? If you've never been to Australia for kangaroo cull, now is the time to go! Catch an opera in Sydney, then grab a Fosters and make a "g'day" out of it! Oh, and tell 'em Paul Hogan sent ya!
Today the US Supreme Court ruled that First Amendment rights do not apply to promotion of child pornography, but had to hand it to perverts for trying. In a 7-2 vote, the majority noted, "There is little distinction between advertising child pornography and actually having it, but you really have to take your hat off to balls on these pervs for having the balls to argue that. Oh, and just so you don't try it - no, you can't have nude kids hold guns then claim it's protected by the 'right to bare arms.'"
Republican presidential nominee John McCain threatened that the Iraq war could be over by as early as 2013 if a Democrat is elected to the White House. "Do we want to win this war? Or do we want it to stretch into a seemingly neverending conflict with no resolution so that we're bogged down for the next 100 years? I think we all know the answer...the latter," McCain told a cheering crowd.
"This election comes down to choices, and if you support this war, it means you want it to continue as long as possible. And that means voting for me. Also, I have some great other wars planned but this speech was only scheduled for two hours."
Israel's 60th anniversary celebration was hardly a party as the country complained about the food, the parking situation, the volume of the music, the tightness of its dress shoes, and the way young people dance nowadays.
"How do I feel at 60?" Israel asked. "I feel 70. My bursitis is acting up, and the tinnitus is worse than usual. Of course they have herring as an hors d'oeuvre and I'm allergic to herring. This party is supposed to go to 9 pm, but who can stay up that late?"
The country now faces an enormous diplomatic snafu as it tries to obtain receipts for all the gifts given to it. "We'd prefer store credit or cash," Israel said.
As these exclusive images conclusively prove, Irish heart and vaginathrob Colin Farrell is starving himself to star in the long-anticipated Carson Daly biopic. The movie will cover Carson's heady days hosting "TRL" on MTV, through his white-hot relationship with Tara Reid, to his triumphant turn hosting a show that begins at 1:35 A.M. on NBC when they decide not to show poker instead.
Hillary Clinton crushed Barack Obama in yesterday's West Virginia primary, underscoring Obama's weakness among people who aspirate without ever using their noses. "The people of West Virginia have spoken, and as usual their idiocy has been heard loud and clear!" a triumphant Clinton barked at a crowd of enthusiastic fatties. "And if your number one priority is to suspend the tax on items of food containing more than 300% of your daily cholesterol, that will be my number one priority!"
An exit poll showed more than 90% of West Virginians had pulled the lever with their feet.
Mike Gilbert, OJ Simpson's former manager, claimed the ex-football star confessed to shocking accounts of murder and loitering while high on marijuana and, yes, life. "When I came to the door, Nicole had a knife," Simpson reportedly told Gilbert. "If she hadn't had that knife, she'd still be alive. Also, there's an alley behind Wilshire Blvd. near Sweetzer that says, "No loitering," but sometimes I hang out back there 8 to 10 hours at a time. I eat lunch back there. One year, I celebrated Thanksgiving back there. But they'll never get me on loitering. No way."
Meanwhile, Ron Goldman's father Fred Goldman vowed, "I will never give up on finding justice for my son. Also, I will never give up on this mustache."
I finally had a chance to see the Ashton Kutcher/Cameron Diaz vehicle, "What Happens in Vegas" this weekend. While I will admit the film had some solid gags, I couldn't shake the feeling that all of the characters deserved to be imprisoned or tortured to some degree.
First of all, the couple meets while drunk. Had I written the screenplay, at this point the secret police would have arrived and beaten them soundly. Also, someone needs to wrap a black shawl all around Cameron Diaz's face. The fact that we are allowed to see it (on a big screen no less!) was completely appalling, and definitely worthy of a stoning.
After one of them wins the jackpot played with the other one's quarter, I was surprised both of them were not at least given several lashes for gambling. Yes, this might have made the film a bit longer, but it also would have been much more realistic.
The couple then is married. Ashton wants a divorce. I did not understand why they went to a judge instead of having Ashton walk around her seven times while saying, "I divorce thee," then returning her to her village a broken, used up, worthless woman. Instead, they are sentenced to live together. She goes out to work, which made no sense at all. Also, she gave him lip several times and he didn't stab her, which seemed to me completely unrealistic. I kept waiting for him to take another wife, maybe in the sequel?
The couple squabbles and you keep waiting for him to punch her in the face or lock her in the basement which could have made this the "feel good" movie of the summer. I like when he slept with the toilet seat, but couldn't he then have beaten her with it?
Of course they end up together in the end - spoiler alert! (ed note - apparently the author didn't realize that spoiler alert comes before the spoiler), then the movie ends and they run a list of people who should be imprisoned thanks to their involvement with this infidel production.
Overall I give this two stars...of David.
Just days after admitting to an affair with a married Senator, Barbara Walters padded an already-impressive sexual resume by revealing she slept with ex-Presidents James Polk and Herbert Hoover.
"Polk was a sensuous lover," Walters disclosed, "And probably the only time I ever slept with a member of the Whig party! He was a strong believe in 'Manifest Destiny' both foreign-policy wise and sexually. That hair of his, oh my!"
"The name Herbert still sends chills down my spine. He was insatiable. He's a man who knew what he wanted and knew how to get it. And what he wanted was the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act. He used to joke about naming it the 'Hoover-Walters Act.' But then the world would have been onto our little secret. I caught him dancing the Lindy with another flapper and you can guess how that ended."
A startling innovation hit the cereal wars today as General Mills introduced "eTotal" - the first cereal with bluetooth. Now your cereal can communicate with your cell phone to dial phone numbers, surf the Internet, call up maps and play MP3s. You can also print, fax, and scan directly from your cereal.
eTotal starts at $200 a box. It's aimed at high-end electronics consumers who demand the best in fidelity from their breakfast.
Willing to do anything to avoid returning home, Hillary Clinton continues to campaign against long odds, still believing she can lose to Barack Obama at a later date. "The people of West Virginia deserve the chance to vote against me! So the campaign goes on!" Clinton told a crowd of former supporters. "If anyone needs to drop out, it's Jason Castro!"
Aides privately convey that if she loses, the former first lady is investigating renting a room in the White House, or an apartment nearby just in case anyone changes their mind and decides they want her to be President.
A drug bust at San Diego State University shockingly snared only 96 people for possession of marijuana, cocaine and ecstasy. "Was it a failure of law enforcement? Are there truly this few students doing drugs? Or did we fail to search through enough items that looked like ceramic frogs? We're not sure," said an SDSU official.
University brass is worried that this story could leak out and ruin SDSU's great reputation among high school seniors. "It's hard enough convincing students to enroll when Arizona State is so close with its sun and plentiful cheap narcotics," a trustee lamented. "Now it gets out there only4 people with shrooms? Oy vey."
Roger Clemens addressed allegations of infidelity today, apologizing to his wife, family, and teammates for getting caught. Clemens, who has long battled the reputation of too ugly to have sex with, confessed to "mistakes in his personal life," ranging from multiple affairs to leaving mayonnaise on the counter so long it spoiled.
"I should have lied more and earlier," Clemens told reporters. "Due to the inefficacy of my lies, these affairs were uncovered. Also, I regret not attacking the integrity of those issuing the allegations before they had a chance to air them. And to answer the previous 17 questions, yes, there are women out there who are really into guys with giant pumpkin heads."
Apparently being Mos Def is no longer def enough, and the government ordered the rapper/actor/parasailing enthusiast switch to Mos hi-Def by 2009 or be rendered obsolete. The plea fell on Def ears, literally. "Mos Def" is short for "Most Definitely," although he's known to his friends as, "Almost Certain," "Probably," and "I'm 90% Sure."
Performer Vin Diesel is also being encouraged to switch to "Vin Ethanol."
With John McCain and Hillary Clinton clamoring for a gas-tax holiday, it's time for somebody to stand up and draw a line in the pavement (preferably with indelible ink!) and say that the gas tax does not deserve it's own day of celebration.
Listen, I love a day off as much as anyone. Frequently I ask my wife for a day off of our marriage. I'm as patriotic as the next girl. I believe in freedom of speech and I support a woman's right to kill her baby any way she chooses. Still, a gas tax holiday is a ridiculous idea. Let me start a new paragraph, then tell you why.
Holidays should be reserved to celebrate special Americans. Like our first President, Martin Luther King. Or Columbus, who invented geometry. Or George Washington who slept here, frequently, at a time when most hotels were vacant. Or George Clooney.
What has the gas tax done worthy of this honor? Make us spend more on gas? Did it give any money to charity? No. Sure we all love the gas tax, but that doesn't mean we should hold barbecues in tribute. Couldn't we just give it a medal or something?
And if we give the gas tax a holiday, what about all the other great taxes, like excise tax? Capital gains tax? Sales tax? These have been great taxes for a long time as well. Are we going to take every day off?
The answer is of course, no. Which is why we should just have one "Tax Day" - maybe it could be on April 15th.
