Interesting

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Another Short I Wrote for "Cavalcade of Comedy"

"Ted Nugent is Visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past"

President Bush Laid Off

Accepts severance package, leaves job tomorrow

Security escorted President Bush to the White House parking lot this morning, as he carried a cardboard box full of his remaining belongings to his car. "Hey, if you know anyone who's hiring..." the President told a guy who works in shipping.

Circuit City to Liquidate Assets; More Than 30,000 Unqualified People Lose Jobs

Woman Gets Secretary Job

Secretary

of state

New Obama Plan Offers Bailout to Anyone Who Bet on the Chargers

Barack Obama paid a visit to the Senate today, making one last effort to provide financial relief to all those who lost millions when the San Diego Chargers failed to cover in this weekend's playoff game. "If people who got involved with bad mortgages deserve a bailout, so do those who made bad bets," Obama reasoned after checking his sportsbook.com account.

Stocks Market Plunges on Golden Globes Results

News that Kate Winslet took home two Golden Globes sent investors fleeing equities this morning as the Dow Jones dropped almost 1.5%. Economists are urging investors to avoid a volatile climate in which Mickey Rourke can be awarded for anything.

Final Bush Press Conference: "I Wish I'd Eaten More Free Sandwiches"

The President identified his biggest mistakes as:

Failing to wear more tank tops

Not partying in New Orleans before Katrina hit

Not naming more stuff after himself

Using government forces to torture prisoners, as opposed to the private sector, which can torture more efficiently

Much-Photographed Wall Street Trader Says His Cat Had Just Died

"Not everything is about the financial crisis! I'm allowed to have moods, damn it!"

President: "$700 Billion Bailout Needed to Avoid Nightmare Scenario of $700 Billion Bailout"

President Bush gave an exciting television address last night (opposite an all-new "Bones" on FOX!) in which he asked the nation to support a $700 billion bailout of Wall Street in order to avoid a financial collapse that could cost the nation $700 billion. "Banking is a tough business," the President said, "People don't realize that you don't necessarily make money just because you lend it out, then collect more back later. Only by acting now can we avoid a financial collapse which could cost the government billions."

"Without this plan we could face recession conditions of rising unemployment, a dropping stock market and lower real estate values," Bush warned. When pointed out that this is already happened, the President replied, "Still, though."

Approval of the bailout will ensure that banks are able to continue to lend large amounts of money to unqualified borrowers. The President added that it's critical in this time of crisis that we avoid any sort of Presidential debates and/or campaigning.

Dow Jones Drops 4% in Worst Collapse Since Monday

The stock market plunged almost 3% this morning on word of it opening. "Most of us on The Street have never seen a drop of these epic proprtions before," said a broker who was hired yesterday. To quell worldwide fears the government bailed out ailing insurer AIG. AIG is now hoping to avoid bankruptcy until next week.

Despite pleas for calm many investors are pulling their funds out of the market to invest it in illegal narcotics and hookers both of which promise to be buoyant industries in a sunk economy.