Grey's Anatomy Is Not Believable

Airplane Security Rant

Chevy Chase's Comeback Hopes Pass Away

Former President Gerald Ford and actor Chevy Chase's hopes both passed away quietly yesterday after a long period of convalescence. Like Ford, Chase has been out of the public eye for sometime. Chase first came to prominence after imitating Ford on "Saturday Night Live." Ford first came to prominence after Chase imitated him. For years, Chase has hoped that Ford would make one more well-documented fall to spring both back into the public spotlight, but alas, the ex-President grew footsure in his later years. Ford was 93 years old. Chase's comeback hopes were 13.

Saddam Hussein Must Be Executed Within a Month or Face $80 Fine

Iraq's highest appeals court ruled that Saddam Hussein must be executed within 30 days, or pay a steep fine of $80, plus a $1.63 administrative processing fee. Chief Judge Aref Shanin said, "This time we are not fooling around. He must pay for his crimes - whether it's by his own death or his checking account is up to him, but either way his crimes will not go unavenged." Saddam has told his lawyers he wants to live, but he feels the $80 fine is "petty" and "gauche." Saddam Hussein was convicted of killing thousands of Iraqis. He's appealing the conviction saying, "Murder in Iraq doesn't seem to be a crime now."

James Brown's Condition Upgraded to "Dead"

Yesterday, after years of drug abuse, doctors upgraded the ravaged "Godfather of Soul's" condition from "Yikes" to "Dead." Brown, not to be confused with noted fisherman Ray Douglas a/k/a "The Godfather of Sole," leaves behind a remarkable musical legacy including two separate and distinct songs about men having bags. The official cause of death was pneumonia, which, if you can imagine this man sneezing, must have caused quite a racket.

Time Magazine's "Person of the Year" Honors Really Starting to Go to Your Head

Look at you: You just won Time's "Person of the Year Award." You joined the ranks of Bill Clinton, Mikhail Gorbachev, JFK, Ghandi and Lindbergh. Why? Apparently because you clicked on a bunch of YouTube videos.
Time was so inspired by you mashing up 50-Cent and Queen, making short films starring your iguana, and getting fooled by LonelyGirl15, that you're now in the same league as Martin Luther King and Chang Kai-Shek. Everytime you update your profile on Facebook.com, you merit comparison to George Marshall.
Well let me tell you something - it's turning you into an arrogant dickbasket. You only compulsively search the Internet because you're bored at work. Your Myspace where you list your favorite bands as Wilco and The Decembrists isn't nearly as eclectic as you think. Half the people you Evite to anything won't even respond. Ooooo...you're reading a blog. Well BFD. And happy holidays.

Thousands of Travelers Secretly Hoping to Remain Stranded at Denver Airport for the Holidays

As Denver's airport endured a third day of snow, tens of thousands of travelers hoped a holiday miracle would give them an excuse to not make it home for Christmas. So far, their prayers have been answered as spokesmen for both United and Frontier say they'll be unable to rebook flights for days. "Which would I rather do, get drunk at the airport with strangers, or go home and have my Mother once again tell me I've amounted to nothing?" asked one man who did not wish to remain anonymous. His friend added, "It's easier this way. I don't have deal with my sister's abusive marriage or my Rageaholic Dad." Still others begged the media to report the situation as dire, even after the snow clears. One woman captured the sentiments of many: "I don't want to buy gifts for those a*#@holes, so let it snow, let it snow, let it snow."

Quality Takes a Holiday as ABC's "What About Brian?" Lurches Toward '07

Like Dick Cheney, last year I believed both the Iraqi insurgency and "What About Brian?" were in their, "Death throes." And yet, as IEDs multiply at an alarming rate, so too do the one-dimensional characters that populate the world of WAB. I would love to provide a plot summary as I have done in weeks past, only this week there was no plot. Yes, things happened, but I am unsure as to the relation of those things to other things that have happened at other times during this show. All I can say is: before polishing a turd, make sure it's dried first, otherwise it ends up smearing. And now, some things that crossed my mind as I endured this week's episode:

• The show began with a two-minute montage of Brian looking at photos. How many photos did he look through in two minutes? Three. I thought my Tivo had frozen.


• Dave has a new crush, the sandwich girl in the office. After the past month of dealing with Deena and her cupcakes, now we have this chick. Memo to anyone working on WAB - there are other potential careers for women apart from selling food door-to-door.


• Last season was all about how Deena wanted to see people outside her marriage, and how she wanted Dave to do the same. Now that they're separated she has a problem with it? Also, "TK" may be the biggest cheesedick in TV history.


• I knew there was something off in the scene where Brian and Adam were sentenced to community service. I couldn't put my finger on it, but then I remembered...court cases normally have a plaintiff. Might want to add one of those.


• When Brian is at his whiny sister's house (whose name I continue to refuse to learn) he informs her their mother is coming, then says, "I have to get to work." So we're supposed to believe he woke up, showered, ate breakfast, and drove to his sister's house before work to tell her something that could have easily been communicated over the phone or via email?


• When that pregnant chick told Deena, "You go girl!" I was trying to figure out if that was a flashback, because I haven't heard that phrase since 2003.


• Don't have much to say about Dave's date with the lunch lady other than: What kind of douchebag wears a blazer to go play video games?


• The piece-de-resistence: All season long Brian has been in agony over his mother's mental troubles. We've heard oblique references to "episodes" and "manic depression." Time and again, we've been lead to believe she's insane. So how does the insanity manifest itself? It turns out she's insane because - wait for it - she stores her clothes in the living room.

If you made it this far, congratulations! Your life is empty!

Cover Blown, CIA's "Top Secret Santa" Shot Dead in Broad Daylight

KARACHI, PAKISTAN - Being a Secret Santa in this part of the world during these troubled times is a dangerous mission. No one knew this more than "Agent 41," the CIA's "Top Secret Santa." For three years he'd been deep undercover, posing as a militant Taliban, while secretly giving out Christmas gifts with a $20 limit at office Christmas parties. Maybe his success got him bold - too bold - as he was caught red-handed in his red suit Monday afternoon, and massacred while a crowd of people cheered then stole his sack of ironically-purchased K-Fed albums. The US government denies knowing anything about Agent 41 or the "Top Secret Santa" program.

Miss USA Reaches Compromise; Allowed to Retain Both Title and Coke Habit

A story that has rightfully dominated this week's headlines comes to a happy end as pageant impresario Donald Trump announced that Miss USA will not be stripped of anything except her clothes. The reign of Tara Conner (like I need to tell you her name!) was rumored to be jeopardized by excessive partying, until pageant officials realized there's nothing more American than ingesting an eight ball, standing on a bar, then flashing your privates to the bridge-and-tunnel crowd. Being Miss USA is no sinecure - in case all 50 Miss America contestants are no longer alive, Miss USA may be called upon to cut a ribbon at a mall-opening. Miss USA's other main duty is pretending Donald Trump is a subject of legitimate sexual interest.

Basketbrawl Fallout: Commissioner Stern Punishes Knicks By Refusing to Suspend Them

While Denver Nuggets players Carmelo Anthony and J.R. Smith were suspended 15 and 10 games respectively for their roles in a brawl on Sunday, NBA Commissioner David Stern reserved his harshest punishment for New York Knicks Mardy Collins, Nate Robinson, Jared Jeffries, and Jerome James - by refusing to suspend them for a single game. "The harshest punishment I can think of is that those responsible for this travesty will continue to wear Knicks uniforms," Stern told the press. "They will be coached by an idiot and consistently run off the court by Atlantic Conference teams that aren't even that good. Every night they will share the court with Stephon Marbury and Steve Francis which is the equivalent of being forced to choose sides between Iran and North Korea. In fact, going forward, any NBA player who leaves the bench during a brawl will be forced to play for the Knicks."
The four players are appealing the non-suspension saying it violates the Collective Bargaining Agreement.

100 Year Old Man Gets Diploma; "Ready to Hit Job Market"

When Marvin L. “Hub” Northen enrolled at Baylor University in 1925, little did he dream he'd be graduating a scant 81 years later. Now a freshly-minted Chemistry major, Northen is ready to "finally leave the nest," and move out from his parents, who say they will miss the pitter-patter of slow, distended feet moving about the house. While Marvin's resume is a little shall we say singular ("79 years of work-study in the library oughta count for something") Northen believes perspecive employers will be impressed by his thesis, "Refrigeration: Applications for this Stunning New Technology."

Nicole Richie DUI Apology: "I Should Not Have Had 5 Vicodin and 4 Vodka Tonics on Empty, Stapled Stomach"

We've all found ourselves there: driving the wrong way down a highway at 4 AM, a stomach full of Ketel One and Vicodin, Paris Hilton's album blasting from the speakers. Still, Nicole Richie did the classy thing and had her publicist draft an apology for her recent DUI bust. "Vicodin, alcohol, and driving do not mix. On the other hand, cocaine and driving is a pretty good mix, because you're hyper-aware. Heroin and driving - not good due to the narcoleptic euphoria - but speed and driving, great, unless you're stuck in traffic, in which case it can get very stressful. In the future, I will attempt to fit the appropriate drug cocktail to match the driving conditions given on the traffic report." Richie also says she plans to have her stomach tightened even further so she can only fit one Vicodin in there at a time.

Manny Ramirez Demands Trade to Utah Jazz

Having failed in his request to get traded to another baseball team, Boston Red Sox star Manny Ramirez now wants to arrange a cross-sports trade to the Utah Jazz. "This is just Manny being Manny," Ramirez's agent said, while making a cuckoo sign with his left hand. "Last year he asked to be traded to NASA." No one's sure if Ramriez even plays basketball or if he even knows where Utah is. Some say he may not even know that Utah is a place. For their part, the Jazz say they're willing to part with Gordan Giricek because - what the hell - he's White and not very good.

More Than Half of Iraqis are Currently Kidnapped

After a brazen hostage-taking of twenty to thirty people this morning, official census figures from Iraq show that more than half its citizens are currently kidnapped. The popularity of kidnapping has resulted in a snake-eating-its-own-tail situation in which several captors are holding guns to their own heads and demanding ransom from themselves. Officials say if you are kidnapped, the best course of action is to remain calm until you are shot in the head. Bechtel is now hiring entry-level kidnapping victims, offering a generous $80,000 a year plus benefits to start.

EA Sports' "PGA 2007" so Realistic, Some Courses Don't Allow Jews

The new "PGA 2007" takes video game golfing to new, more realistic levels - including racial profiling and discrimination. Players can choose between playing on a public course wheredrunks threaten them with violence, or "club mode" - a six month odyssey during which you attend cocktail parties trying to chat up the "right people" for a reference, all the while attempting to raise the $50,000 entry fee AND cover up your ethnic roots. The game also accurately simulates "workplace golf" in which you intentionally throw a game to foreign investors while avoiding the appearance of doing so. Perhaps the most popular feature though is a club pro who fixes your short game and sleeps with your wife.

Barack Obama's Success Has John Kerry Contemplating Blackface

John Kerry knows what voters want, and he is determined to give it to them. As Barack Obama flies around the country promoting his book, Kerry is taking close note, and believes he has isolated the core of Obama's appeal. "It is quite clear that America is ready for a Black president," Kerry told aides, "And I intend to be that man. I intend to ratchet the tanning machine up to '9' or higher, if that's what it takes. I will add more 'Yo's' into my vernacular, and occasionally rhyme the ends of my sentences like couplets. I will talk about how my Mama held four jobs to keep the nine of us fed, but we never knew we were poor. That is how they do it, right?"

Philadelphia Prison Condom Giveaway Makes Rape Safer

Philadelphia jailhouse rapists have one less reason for pause now that the city is giving them condoms for free. Relieved inmates told "Zagat's Guide to Prison Rape": Forced sex is "much safer," and "far less mentally taxing," while not having to worry about, "AIDS, herpes, the clap," and other "filthy diseases that tend to be carried by victims." However some said the prophylactics cause a "Loss of sensation," that's, "Not worth the trouble of putting them on." Meanwhile a small minority found the rubbers, "Useful for butt-smuggling contraband."

ABC's "What About Brian?" Accurately Portrays How Boring It Is When a Group of Friends Lives in Los Angeles

Today, "News As Gossip" continues its exclusive coverage of ABC's "What About Brian?"

How do you know if "What About Brian?" is the right show for you? Hmm...would you like to watch a show about a guy getting sloppy seconds...from his own father? Are you intrigued by season-long story arcs about a woman trying to launch a $200 a month cupcake business? Well then, friend, pull up an ottoman.

Before we sift through the manure pile that was this week's episode looking for nuggets of corn, an exciting update from last week: we finally learned the Black guy's name! Yes! Two weeks ago, you may remember me writing, "We're seven episodes into the season, and we still have no idea what the new Black guy's name is. Is this their version of a cliffhanger? Will season two end with him going, 'By the way, I'm Tyrone.' For F's sake, someone needs to call this guy by his first name already." Last week, we learn he's "Jimmy!" How did we learn his name? By having a scene where he wears a nametag. Brilliant. Author! Author!

And now, once more, into the breach:

• Is anyone buying TK's desperation to date Deena? Yeah, a lot of multimillionaires are looking to date single moms with three young children, especially in Los Angeles. Particularly one whose chin looks like it was rent asunder by a medieval battle axe.


• Brian says he wants to date Bridgett because beneath her mean exterior he knows she's "vulnerable" and "afraid." I've been dating 20 years now, and I've never been attracted to someone because I know she's afraid. When have you heard this conversation? "Dude, did you see how afraid she is?" "Yeah, that's totally hot. Let's go out tonight, you and me, and try to meet some afraid chicks."


• By the way, she spells it, "Bridgett." With two T's. How do I know? Because Brian's Dad wrote it on the whiteboard. Google "Bridgett" - 958,000 entries. Now Google "Bridget" - 18 million entries. I demand to know why the hell this character chose a spelling common to only 7% of Bridgets.


• After BridgeTT tells Brian her father was an undependable alcoholic, Brian says, "We have something in common - difficult fathers." Dude - your father just gave you a new $30,000 car and a high-paying job in a field in which you have zero experience! I wouldn't exactly call that "difficult." "Oh, your father's a drunk? My Dad's only paying me two hundred grand a year. You and I, we're totally in the same boat."


• Before he goes into his office building, we see Brian park his car in the street, at a meter. Are we supposed to believe a giant real estate firm has no company parking? Wouldn't it be stupid to buy all of your employees company cars if there's no parking? (CLUE: Yes)


• Is anyone ever going to bring up the fact that Brian's dad looks exactly like Bill Parcells?


• Jimmy's (Oy vey, really? A Black guy named Jimmy?) main problem with Summer is he's worried she won't help Adam make partner at the firm. Is there a Black lawyer in America losing any sleep over whether or not a White colleague makes partner? I doubt it, but if there is, I would like to give him the elective tracheotomy he so richly deserves.


• When that pregnant buzzkill lady whose name I refuse to learn calls the Italian insurance company, she asks, "Is there someone who speaks English?" Wouldn't the person who answers the phone have to speak English to understand the question? How did they know to get someone else if they themselves don't speak English?


• When Dave flips on the TV, we hear a voiceover say, "In sports, the International Basketball League was busy last night..." then update on scores between the Cavaliers and the Nuggets. Is there an International Basketball League that has teams with the same names as those in the National Basketball Association? Or is this just another lie being forced down the throat of an audience already at its breaking point?


• At Adam's party, Deena asks Dave, "Wow, did you plan all this yourself?" Yet as far as I can tell, the "party" amounted to apartment with beer and music. Is Deena incredibly sarcastic? Or are her expectations for Dave so low, she doesn't believe he's even capable of buying two cases of beer and pushing the "On" button of a stereo?


• As BridgeTT walks away, she turns to tell Brian, "Just so you know, it was real." What was real? The one drink you guys had together? You passing out in Brian's apartment?

At the beginning, this show was supposed to be about a group of friends who see each other all the time, and their one pathetic friend who can't find a mate. Now only one person (Adam) has a mate, and they never get together at all. WTF? What will it take to get the FCC to intervene? I have to go stick my head in a trash compactor.

Pitbull Puppy Chews Off Baby's Toes...in Most Adorable Way

Last night in Louisiana, a pitbull puppy chewed off a baby's toes, but if you could have seen it, you wouldn't have stopped him either. He looked so innocent, the way his cute little furry brow was wrinkled, and once he got the toes off, he realized they were too big for him to eat so he went to his little puppy bed and pouted!
The parents told investigators, "You know how it is...Macho was nipping at the baby's tootsies, looking so cute! Then the baby started screaming, but you know how babies are, always crying about one thing or another. We figured this was just another 'false alarm.'" Police told the couple to enjoy the dog while he's a puppy, because after that pit bulls become a lot of work.

John Goodman Loses 200 Pounds to Play Santa Claus

In what is sure to go down as one of the legendary performances of our time, actor John Goodman has dropped more than 200 pounds in order to convincingly portray Santa Claus in NBC's upcoming movie, "The Year Without a Santa Claus." Goodman's transformation is startling and has rendered him virtually unrecognizable at a now-svelte 350 pounds. "The Year Without a Santa Claus" is a heartwarming story about how Santa Claus, a young boy, and Bill O'Reilly team up to force displays of nativity scenes on public property. The movie once again proves the old showbiz maxim of: Eddie Griffin plus Delta Burke equals small-screen magic.

FBI Secretly Taped Princess Diana, Mixed with Tupac Recordings to Create Startling, Innovative Mash-up

Today, royal watchers were stunned to learn that not only did U.S. intelligence services secretly bug Princess Diana's conversations but the agency also combined the recordings with those of Tupac Shakur to create a stunning hip-hop mash up called, "Dipocalypse Now." Blending raw powerful bass lines and plain-spoken politically savage lyrics with aristocratic pecadillos, tracks such as "Keep Ya Head Up (While Appearing at State Functions)," "How Do U Want It (Poached, Roasted, or Grilled)," and "I Ain't Mad At Cha (Truthfully I Have No Idea who 'Cha' Is)," use stark contrast of language and tone to create a cohesive, poignant whole that belies its disparate roots. The two disc set, produced by Interscope records, retails wherever incense and ballroom gowns are sold.

MOVIE REVIEW: "Blood Diamond" Powerfully Demonstrates Why Diamonds are Worth the Money

"Blood Diamond" is a fast-paced thriller that shows you why these beautiful gems are worth fighting over! In the movie, Leonardo diCaprio plays Danny Archer, a man looking to save money on an engagement ring for his fiancee. After browsing at Zales and DeBeers, he opts to purchase a gem directly from the miners in Sierra Leone, and what a sorry lot they are! DiCaprio, doing one of those funny accents he always does, soon meets a lovable scamp played by Djimon Hounsou who knows where to find a lovely pink diamond that will surely make a great ring.

If you liked, "Romancing the Stone," then this caper will leave you reeling on the edge of your seat with your white knuckles gripping a summer thrill-ride as you watch emotionally powerful performances and captivating drama in the feel-good movie of the year!

Oh, I almost forgot to mention, in between action sequences we learn that the job market in Sierra Leone is really tight and a lot of people die senseless deaths after being shot by child-soldiers. But at the end, who cares since the diamond sparkles so brightly?

"Blood Diamond" will have you rushing to the jewelry store to buy baskets of these beautiful "conflict diamonds!" There's an adventure behind each one! A definite date-movie winner! So get down on one knee and propose seeing, "Blood Diamond." She'll jump right into your arms and scream, "Yes!"

Dick Cheney's Gay Daughter Pregnant; VP Buys, "Don't Ask Me, Don't Tell Me About My Grandchildren" Bumper Sticker

Vice President Cheney was his normal stone-faced self yesterday after learning daughter, America's hottest lesbian, is pregnant. Who is the father? How did she conceive? When it comes to his daughter, the VP's policy is "Don't Ask, Don't Tell...Me About My Grandchildren." But privately, aides say Cheney suspects this may be an Immaculate Conception. After the baby is born, the Veep plans to give every lesbian in the room a cigar, with the caveat, "I don't even wanna know what you're going to do with this." Fortunately Sen. John Kerry (Idiot-MA) says he's more than happy to speak on Mary Cheney's behalf.

In Effort to Soften Image, Rapper "Ja Rule" Changes Name to "Ja Suggestion"

Tired of being one in a parade of gangsta rappers known for a fast lifestyle of drinking, clubs, fighting, and guns, rapper "Ja Rule" has changed his name to "Ja Suggestion." Ja told friends, "Rule just seems so harsh. I'm tired of rules, 'do this,' 'do that,' 'don't punch babies.' What I'm telling people now is, "Hey, you don't have to do this, but I'd really like you to." Ja is still looking for a place in the writing of his name for extraneous Z's and/or other misspellings.

Feline Alzheimer's Causes Older Cats to Forget to Act Like Aloof Pricks

Feline Alzheimer's strikes more than 200,000 cats a year, leaving many unable to remember the names they never responded to in the first place.
The disease may manifest itself with the following irregular cat behavior:

• Friendly behavior


• Decreased pissing on your expensive leather sofa


• Lack of interest in angry, pointless hissing


• Cat acts like Meredith's mother on "Gray's Anatomy" and constantly believes it's late for surgery


• Hanging around women who have a boyfriend

Water Found on Mars; Unfortunately It's Dasani

New photos of the Martian surface show gullies and channels consistent with the flow of water; unfortunately, further examination shows that water is Dasani, and therefore completely unfit for human consumption. The finding of Dasani suggests that Mars was once colonized by people, aliens, or species who were employed by a corporation too cheap to spring for Evian, Poland Springs, or even Arrowhead for that matter. While completely unpotable, it may have some practical application since Dasani can be used as a paint thinner and it is explosive. Dasani's motto is, "All the taste of tap without the convenience!"

Secretary of Defense Says US Needs "New Tactics" in Iraq, Recommends Switch From Zone to Man-to-Man

New Defense Secretary Robert Gates told the Senate America is "not winning" in Iraq, and vowed to make halftime adjustments. In an emotional locker room speech, Gates said, "First of all, anyone not want this? Because if you don't want it, get out!" To a stunned silence, he continued, "What's going on with the zone?? They're killing us inside. If you guys won't hustle, they're going to take advantage of us all day. You know what? Forget it - everyone just get a man. We're gonna man up, and I want to see tight coverage."
When told we don't have enough men to cover everyone in Iraq, the Secretary exploded, "I don't care how many guys they got or how fast they are! No one comes into our house and outhustles us! I want to see everyone running around."
He continued, "We need to heal as a team or we're going to crumble. We're in hell right now gentlemen. Believe me. And we can stay here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back into the light. We can climb out of hell, one inch at a time. Now I can't do it for you, I'm too old," which moved several Senators until they realized he was plagiarizing Al Pacino's monologue from "Any Given Sunday."

Rip Torn Mugshot Looks Like Ripped Torn Mugged, Shot

They say, "A picture is worth a thousand words," to which we've always replied, "Pictures are really chatty. Someone needs to shut that picture up. It's babbling." But after actor Rip Torn was arrested yesterday for DUI in Salem, NY he gave a subtle yet gripping mugshot performance that bears scrutiny. Notice the thin facade of confidence betraying the deeper despair...the differently-sized bloodshot rheumy eyeballs yearning to tell their tales of a morning full of Hot Toddies...the ruddy, creased complexion of a man accustomed to both sun and windburns...the mouth slightly agape, ready to pour its lubricating saliva on a goatee that has endured more than its fair share of toxins...the right side of the hair tossed "just so" to indicate, "Hey, I'm not trying to impress anyone, least of all my arresting officer." Brava, Torn, brava.

E. Coli Causes Taco Bell Customers to Puke Outside the Bun

A Plainfield, NJ Taco Bell is suspected at the center of an E. Coli outbreak that has affected 19 people but surprised no one. The victims reportedly became ill after consuming the new "chicken and sewage empanada." However, doctors were slow to suspect E. Coli since the symptoms of the disease - bloody diarrhea, abdominal cramps, kidney failure - are similar to the symptoms of having eaten chalupas. The restaurant's corporate headquarters denies the charges saying all the rats at this location have tested negative.

Pete Doherty Falls Prey to Britain's Tough "938 Strikes and You're Out" Drug Policy

Pete Doherty once again avoided jail time on drug charges as part of Britain's "938 Strikes and you're out" law. Judge Jane McIvor told the erstwhile rocker, "Pull yourself together because if you find yourself here again, next time I'll be just as lenient," then released Doherty on the promise that he stay clean until he leaves the courtroom. Doherty was sentenced to three hours of community service, since a junkie wandering around with rake is exactly what most British communities need. Doherty has been in and out of rehab, where he's been a valuable member of the softball team, batting .288 with 6 homes runs and 19 RBIs in 22 games. In recent months Doherty, who is apparently a musician, has been linked to kate Moss as well as a bad hat collection (photo, above). Immediately after being released, he was arrested on his own recognizance.

Hecklers to Meet Richards Face-to-Face for Incoherent, Rambling Non-Apology

In a move that should completely end racism in America, Michael Richards will meet with the four men he called the N-word so he can personally explain to them how he's a rageaholic, not a racist. Richards' lawyer Howard Rubenstein (Jew) says his client would have specified his insults to the men's ethnicity had they been Chinese, Italian, Hispanic or, "Even a weird pseudo-culture like Samoan." Rubenstein added, "In addition to the N-word, Michael knows several great ethnic barbs. He told me 1,000 years ago, in Rome, I would have been the one with a fork up my ass. During the Rape of Nanking, it would have been a Chinese guy with a fork up his ass. It doesn't have to be a fork, though. It could be a spoon - even a big spoon like a ladle. Or a spork. So you see, it's funny no matter which ethnic group you choose."

Barbecues, Confusion Mark World AIDS Day

December First is here again, and once again the world remains confused how to mark (celebrate? no, that can't be right) "World AIDS Day." Is it one of those somber holidays like Memorial Day? Or should we rejoice over AZT? Is putting a giant condom on a building appropriate? Isn't it weird that a building is fucking???
No matter how you commemorate the day, a few important facts to keep in mind:

• Remember, the holiday is against AIDS, not for it.


• Any fireworks should be tasteful and discreet. Think sparklers, not M-80s.


• Don't be fooled, the stock market is open!


• It's not polite to bitch to someone who has AIDS about how your ailment doesn't have its own holiday. Wait long enough, and we'll have "World Gout Day!"


• It's also Bette Middler's birthday. Happy Birthday Bette!