Not All Wrestling Violence is Fake

That's this week's "Most Positive Outlook Possible on the Most Negative Story"

New iPhone Has Internet, MP3, and Best of All, a Soul

Apple's new iPhone will stun users with its features - it seamlessly integrates a cellphone, MP3 player and Internet access - but perhaps most astounding is that the machine has a fully-functional soul. While underreported at this point, your iPhone will actually judge you, and probably harshly. After all, you aren't Bluetooth. The iPhone can tell right from wrong, but will only do right if it thinks people are looking. It also eats way too much even though it knows it's getting fat.

Radical Islamic Designers Unveil the Summer Fashion Lines!

Once again, veils are in! The new veils this summer are made from coarse, unbreathable wool, with an eye-slit that allows no peripheral vision. They are available in black and darker black.

These go great whether you're wearing a formal body-encompassing black smock, or a non-formal body-encompassing black smock. Look chic for the sheik!

MOVIE REVIEW: "A Mighty Heart" is Sublime Blend of Terrorism and Blackface

Hollywood generally makes two kinds of movies: terror thrillers like, "United 93" and Blackface laffers like Spike Lee's "Bamboozled." The two have unfortunately remained separate and distinct - until now!

Angelina Jolie's new movie "A Mighty Heart" thrillingly captures the agony of having your husband decapitated while you're wearing Blackface. And the special effects are incredible! When Jolie cries, we do not even see her face running down her face. Jolie plays Black so convincingly I could have sworn I was watching Whoopi Goldberg circa the "Eddie" years.

The movie was not without flaws. The terror scenes could have had far more humor had one of the jihadis been played by Tony Shaloub. But overall, this is much more family-friendly fare than the upcoming "Ratatouille." Go see "A Mighty Heart" - it's the ultimate summer popcorn flick!

NOTE: I HAVE NOT SEEN THIS MOVIE.

Speaker at Al Quaeda Graduation: "You Have a Bright Non Future Ahead of You"

ABCnews.com somehow infiltrated a Terror school graduation, and the most surprising part was the words of the graduation speaker. The speaker, wearing a kaffiyeh decorated with the ceremonial gold tassel, told the Terror State senior class, "When I look out at your completely-covered faces, I see a bright non-future ahead of you. Your hard work and years of study will all pay off when you detonate a bomb on your own head. So many graduates wonder, 'what will the future hold?' Fortunately, you'll never find out, since most of you will be dead by sundown. This college prides itself on its high death rate, and your class was no exception. I encourage you to donate to alma mater right now, since there will be no reunion."

Pat O'Brien's "MasterPat Theater" - The Final Installment

Chinese Toothpaste: The Perfect Murder Weapon

If you're an assassin who's run out of ideas, a great new way to take out your mark is Chinese toothpaste. The counterfeit Colgate looks just like regular Colgate, only it contains antifreeze, so your target will remain warm even if you trap them in a meat locker. The method is simple - just give your victim a tube, shrug, and say, "Hey! Free tootpaste!" Best of all, Chinese toothpaste comes in convenient travel size, so you can get through airline security if you put it in a Ziploc bag!

Dan Rather to Katie Couric: "News Would Be More Popular if It Were Boring"

Former anchor Dan Rather criticized CBS for "tarting up" the news with Katie Couric, saying the path to higher ratings is making the newscast more boring. According to Rather, viewers used to tune into CBS knowing they were going to see a tooth-whistling loner reading poorly-fact-checked copy. Now, if they want to watch an elderly miscreant, they're forced to go to ABC. Perhaps if Couric wore less makeup and went by "Catherine," she'd make more inroads with a viewing public that only wants to be unexcited.

Gay Rights Groups Ask That You Not See "Hairspray"; Poster Practically Demands It

While gay fans are asking you boycott "Hairspray" because of Scientology's stance on gay people, there are plenty of good reasons to skip this film without getting Scientology involved. For instance, first and foremost, this:

If you elect to see "Hairspray" you will be staring at this haunting visage projected onto a fifty foot screen for at least an hour and a half, minimum. Since the theater will be dark and the screen light, you will be unable to see anything else. It will be burned in your mind's-eye and you will never forgive yourself. In conclusion - no reason to hunt for exotic reasons to not see this thing.

Still More of Pat O'Brien's "Masterpat Theater"

TB Patient: "I Am Not a Hero"

TB patient Andrew Speaker has finally gone public and wants America to know, "I am not a hero." Speaking through a thick velvet curtain, Speaker told reporters, "I simply did what anyone in my situation would have done. When you find out you have a highly infectious respiratory disease, of course your first instinct is to get in a closed environment with low air circulation with as many people as possible. Then, you hit as many countries as you can. Then, you avoid authorities, and finally you infect those closest to you. So please, no more with the commendations, it's just embarrassing."

"Sopranos" Shocker: Tony is in the Mafia

Sopranos producer David Chase has an explosive surprise in store for Sunday night's season finale: (*SPOILER ALERT*)




Tony is in the mafia. The last ten years he has not been working in the sanitation business as he says. His position there is a sinecure that he uses for health insurance. No - he is engaged in a criminal enterprise, which explains all the murders. It also turns out some of his friends are involved, I think Patsy and maybe that Pauly guy. Oh - one more thing - Carmela will be forced to change the window treatments in her spec house.

"Stand by Your Suicide Machine, and say 'Cheese!'"

Paris Hilton Jailhouse Timeline

2:00 a.m. Paris arrives at jail

2:02 a.m.Cavity search turns up one of Matt Leinart's cuff links

2:07 a.m.Nicole Richie so upset she's able to eat

2:09 a.m.Paris converts to Islam

2:12 a.m.Paris joins Latin Kings

2:14 a.m.With Lindsay Lohan in rehab and Paris in jail, a desperate Wilmer Valderrama "booty-texts" Marg Helgenberger

2:19 a.m.Paris completes jailhouse memoirs, sells to Knopf

2:23 a.m.Paris digs tunnel and escapes to Cazumel