Star Jones: "I Lost the Weight Through All-Natural Gastric Bypass Surgery"

Star Jones has finally gone public about her weight loss saying that she lost weight the natural way - by having a surgeon tie her stomach into a bolo knot. Jones told a person holding a microphone she mistook for a reporter, "After all the unfair speculation that I may have used diet and exercise, I wanted to come clean and say that I didn't go from morbidly obese to morbidly anorexic through artificial means. People need to realize you can't drop weight through gimmicks like running and eating less. Like Randy Jackson, I believe this surgery is the only way to achieve temporary weight loss."

Jones added that she now wants to be referred to as "Planet," not, "Star."

Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale Rejects Latest Offer for Kevin Garnett as "Too Good"

Minnesota Timberwolves GM Kevin McHale pulled the plug on a potential trade of Kevin Garnett to the Boston Celtics for Al Jefferson, Gerald Green, Sebastian Telfair, Theo Ragliff and draft picks, deeming the offer, "Far, far too good and potentially beneficial to the franchise." McHale intends to stick to his agenda of only making trades and signings for players of lesser value arguing, "It's about the future. No one will want to trade with us unless they're confident they're getting the better end of the deal. Now Kevin Garnett maybe for Sebastian Telfair straight up? Or how about we just give you Kevin Garnett and you agree to write us a reference letter we can show other customers? "

Tour de France Scandal Goes From Bad to Worse as Several Riders Caught Using Motorcycles

The Tour de France, already beleaguered by a doping scandal, is reeling from another blow as the entire Discovery Channel team was caught using motorcycles on the most recent leg of the race. For years French officials have suspected individuals of using motorcycles because of high-pitched revving, gas fumes, and t-shirts referencing low mustache ride rates, but no one had been caught red-handed until photos surfaced (ABOVE). Still, the motorcycle riders finished 12th and 58th, unable to make much headway against the dopers.

Apple's Profits Soar on News That People Like to Buy Things That Will Soon Break

Apple announced stellar profits of 92 cents a share for the last quarter, which Wall Street analysts credit to consumer's appetite for products that will be broken within the year. More than 270,000 iPhones sold in the final two days of June, as Americans rushed to be the first to obtain goods that will cease to function as soon as the warranty expires. Apple says they're having trouble keeping up with demands, especially among consumers buying new laptops because the logic board of their old ones burned out two months earlier than expected.

Michael Vick Shocks Falcons, Literally

Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank clarified earlier remarks that, "The falcons are shocked by Michael Vick," saying he meant literally the birds, and not the NFL football team. "Of course the team isn't shocked by Vick's behavior," Blank said. "For the past three years, in addition to hanging and torturing dogs he's been throwing live radios at plugged in teammates. He's offered to jump stalled motorists' cars, then attached the positive jumper cable to the negative post. He installed shag polyester carpet to zap a static bolt on anyone who walks by. We're not talking about a nice guy."

Vick says torturing birds ranks somewhere between torturing ferrets and cats.

Botulism Healthiest Thing Linked to Canned Hot Dog Chili Sauce

Today the FDA issued a warning that Castleberry's canned "Hot Dog Chili Sauce" may contain deadly botulism toxins, although most consumers of that product have already died of other causes. Consumers are being warned that any contact with the contaminated sauce could make them ill. Also, any contact with the uncontaminated sauce could make them ill.

Casteberry contends that the botulism in the sauce is what kills the E. Coli. The sauce is marketed chiefly towards teens who are in the process of having a heart attack.

Michael Vick Also Disappointing as a Dogfighter

After watching him get indicted for holding illegal dogfights, those who know Michael Vick are stepping forward to say he's equally vexing a dog fighter as he is a quarterback. Calling him, "Full of raw talent and potential," but, "Lacking in work ethic," local pit bull trainers also labelled a "Showboater," who in at least half his dog fights, "Dogs it." One bettor who wished not to remain anonymous but did anyway says, "Vick's an enigma, man. He has all the tools a dogfighter needs - money, time, great dogs, but it doesn't add up to a complete package. His dogs just lose and lose and lose. They'll make a spectacular mauling, then just lie there. I gotta be honest - sometimes it seems like he's just not interested."

Prostitute Equally Ashamed to be Linked with Senator

While Senator David Vitter (pervert-LA) said he intends to continue his political career after being linked with a prosititute, the prosititute says it may be difficult to find work after being linked with the Senator. According to the prostitute, who asked to be referred to as "that whore" to preserve her anonymity, "This Vitter stuff has ruined any cachet I had in this business. It makes it appear as though I'd sleep with just anyone, which isn't the case. I mean, I do have some standards. Now every nickel-and-diming chipmunk-looking mofo thinks he has a chance with me. Yuck."

Vitter, a first term Republican, is best known for his work as Chairman of the Senate Christmas Party Planning Committee.

L.A. Diocese Says $660 Million Settlement for Sex Abuse Cases, "Totally Worth It"

The Roman Catholic Diocese agreed to pay $660 million to victims abused by priests, a settlement the Diocese termed a "Great bargain," and "Well under market value." A jubilant Diocese toasted, "After taxes and lawyers fees it works out to around $300,000 per, well below the current average cost of illicit boy sex. It really does pay to buy in bulk."

Energizer Buys Playtex for $1.16B; Revives Dream of Battery-Operated Maxi Pad

Shares of Playtex Inc. rose more than $2 yesterday after news the company was bought by Energizer, meaning we may see the holy grail of a battery-operated maxi-pads in our lifetime. Energizer CEO Ward Klein said, "We see so many opporunities for integration between Energizer and Playtex. Wetnaps that run on electricity. Tampons with a nightlight. Sport tampons with a built-in stopwatch. Douchebags with a solar-powered radio. Rechargeable panties."

Energizer also unveileved a new rabbit-themed, "Lightday Longs"

The applicator, however, remains unwieldy.

Beckhams Refuse to Believe American Not Interested in Them

On the eve of their arrival in America, Victoria and David Beckham were either in deep denial or completely unaware that no one knew and/or cared. "We plan to make a huge splash - wait til you see the new LA Galaxy," David Beckham said, still unaware that the Galaxy play in Carson City right next to an Ikea (although the arena is near a go-kart track, which everyone has to admit is interesting). "Soccer is big and the Spice Girls are huge, so imagine combining the two!" Posh told a completely bufuddled customs officer who wondered why a skeleton was attempting to enter the United States.

Movies are Funniest When One or More Characters on the Poster is Pleased While Other Characters Are Displeased

Here we see Robin Williams is pleased at the situation, while John Krasinski and Mandy Moore seem disturbed at the same circumstances. This lets the viewer know that some discord is sure to follow, with big laughs as a result!

Apparently his kids think Ice Cube is done yet, but Ice Cube doesn't seem so sure! Is he done yet? There's only one way to find out - watch the dang film!

You can bet the fellow beneath the cart isn't having nearly as good a time as the girl in it or the guy pushing it! How did he get down there? I don't know, but I don't see a way for him to get up. Maybe he can roll of the moving cart, but that wouldn't be safe.

Roger Federer Wimbledon Trophy Kiss Escalates into Inappropriate Make-Out Session

After winning his fifth straight Wimbledon title five years of sexual tension between Roger Federer and the trophy finally boiled over as the two engaged in full-blown coitus. After beginning with a tame enough peck, Federer then jokingly tongued the trophy's handle. The trophy then grabbed the back of his hair and mashed itself against his lips. Federer wildly groped the trophy's underside. The two rolled into the Wimbeldon men's room, locked the door, and consummated the deed while a glum-looking Queen applauded and rolled her eyes.

A spokesman for Federer says his client and the trophy are just, "Good friends."

Al Gore's Son Leading Consumer of Greenhouse Grass

After being arrested yesterday for possession of pot, former Vice President Al Gore's son confessed that he indeed is one of the world's largest consumers of greenhouse grass. Gore Jr. was pulled over when police caught him going 100 mph in a hemp car. The Vice President rushed to the scene and began a two-hour PowerPoint presentation full of lighthearted ClipArt which explained how marijuana grown in a greenhouse, then ingested into the lungs, can cause a hazy sensation.

July 3rd Last Chance to Buy Mattresses at Inflated Prices

With July 4th just around the corner, today is the last day for Americans to purchase mattresses at rock top prices. Beginning 8 AM tomorrow, prices will be slashed. Some will be strangled. Other prices will be brutally tortured and left to die in remote locations in the woods. A few select prices may have their kidneys removed without anesthetic. Don't miss out on your final opportunity to have a mattress at an unfair price.

Auto Insurance Costs Skyrocket for Al Quaeda

After three car bomb attacks in the span of two days, Al Quaeda is having more trouble than ever getting reasonably priced car insurance for its vehicles. A Geico representative railed, "Three times they have rammed into stationary buildings. Clearly, they are not good drivers. Even we can't save them fifteen percent at this point." Members of the terrorist group are reportedly hoping their parents will put them on their policies.