4 GOP Candidates Skip Minority Debate Citing Scheduling Conflict with "Not Attending a Minority Debate"

John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani, and Fred Thompson all skipped a debate for Black and Latino journalists figuring that they already have the minority vote wrapped up.

Giuliani cited his stellar record on minority issues, pointing out Abner Louima, Amadou Diallo, and Patrick Dorismond lived in a much cleaner city until they were forcibly sodomized and/or shot.

A spokesman for Mitt Romney said, "Months ago, we learned this debate fell on the same night as the 'Grey's Anatomy' premiere, and Mitt wanted to see it, especially since he heard they got rid of Dr. Burke, who just so happens to be Black." Romney reiterated that he supports the rights of Blacks and Latinos to marry, even more than once.

For his part, McCain told reporters, "I heard, 'Once you go Black, you never go back,' so I decided to skip the first part and not go in the first place," while Fred Thompson issued a statement reading, "I have a red pickup truck."

Rice: "Nations Must Fight Climate Change Like Terrorism...by Attacking Iran"

Earlier today, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice told delegates thatclimate change must be fought by terrorism - by attacking Middle Eastern countries. "Only by executing an ill-thought out attack on a dubious adversary, then having no plan for the ensuing mayhem can we hope to save the planet," Rice said, then tried to start a round of applause for herself. "Furthermore, if unsupervised contractors were given billions of dollars of cash, that would also help. Lastly, we could then ask General Patreus to save us at the last minute. Now if you'll forgive me, I hear a hurricane is about to hit New Orleans, so I have to buy some dress shoes."

I Grow Ever Balder on MSN's "The Big Debate"

Watch as I bravely defend Jennifer Aniston vis a vis Pam Anderson. "Reminiscent of a young Clarence Darrow," said no one.

Phil Spector Mistrial - Jury Hung Over Which Space Alien Committed Murder

The Phil Spector case ended in a mistrial when a 10-2 hung jury haggled over who pulled the trigger on Lana Clarkson. Was it this man?

This thing?

Or this entity?

All were reported to be at the House of Blues at the night in question.

For his part, Spector maintains he merely pulled the trigger, but it was Lana Clarkson who opted to hold her face still.

Fisher Price Introduces "Lead Elmo"

Meet "Lead Elmo" - the only elmo on the market made entirely from lead. Soft and toxic, Elmo forms a bond with your child, and encourages them as they're being poisoned. When you squeeze his stomach, he cutely utters vacuous denials like, "I had no idea the conditions in that sweatshop" Be sure to look for the "Made in China" label so you know you're getting the worst.

Warren Jeffs' Conviction Bodes Ill for Crate and Barrel's Booming Wedding Registry Business

Polygamist leader and party animal Warren Jeffs was convicted of "Accessory to rape" charges, leading many stores to wonder if several thousand wedding registries are still legitimate. "I mean, that one 19 year old had four marriages and four registries in here," said a Crate and Barrel employee who did not wish to be identified, nor want it mention that he was wearing an apron. "So now we won't sell those four sets of stemware? I have no idea."

Prosecutors said Jeffs forced the girl into marriage and sex against her will. Jeffs said, "I can't take all the credit; there was a whole team of people working behind the scenes."

Many of Jeffs' followers are polygamists and view him as a prophet, but remain unable to explain why a spokesman for the Lord would have a pseudo-mullet.

Yahoo! Makes Amazing Pun

So her last name is "Keys," but she also makes music which has sequences of notes defined by "keys." You did it, Yahoo! Take a bow, you deserve it!

I Wear an Ascot on MSN's "The Big Debate"

Click on image to be transported to a different world.

MOVIE REVIEW: Unfortunately, "Good Luck Chuck" is Not a Documentary About Dane Cook Getting Kicked in the Balls

If you've been looking forward to seeing "Good Luck Chuck," this weekend, then don't be fooled - the movie is not a documentary about Dane Cook getting kicked in the balls. Of course they market it this way, because that is the movie we all want to see.

Instead, the movie a scripted comedy, where Dane Cook plays a dentist who gets kicked in the balls a lot. The dentist's name is Chuck Logan, which is extremely unlikely since "Logan" is not a Jewish name. Anyway, where was I? Oh - so Logan spends a lot of time getting kicked in his uncircumcised penis. Also, he dates a lot of women, but these women end up marrying someone else, so he's forced into a nightmare situation of always sleeping with new young women.

Along comes Cam, played by Jessica Alba. Cam falls down a lot, as all hilarious women do. Fortunately, she's not Jewish either, so she and Chuck hit it off. Chuck's not sure if things will work out, and his best friend makes love to a grapefruit. Then fortunately at one point Alba's skirt comes off, but we don't see anything, which is a huge relief to anyone who's religious.

If you liked, "America's Funniest Home Videos" during the John Fugelsang era of high BHPM's* you'll love, "Good Luck Chuck."

And if you're Jewish and your object is to atone through suffering, what better way to spend your Yom Kippur than watching "Good Luck Chuck?

I rate this movie four stars...of David.

*BHPMs = "Balls hit per minute"

Republican Candidates Court Other Baggy-Faced Gun Nuts at NRA

At an NRA forum in Washington, DC Republican Presidential hopefuls defended their pro-gun credentials by appealing to their common ground of baggy-facedness. "We're looking for a candidate who resembles a hazelnut," said NRA chief lobbyist Chris Cox, "And all of these men more than amply fill the bill."

Sen. John McCain attacked Rudy Giuliani's commitment to the cause, pointing out that the former New York City mayor does not have a firing range in his living room, nor has he ever shot anyone in the kidney. Giuliani responded that he hopes to shoot someone in the near future, and that he loves guns so much he supports the rights of people to marry them. Fred Thompson pointed to his loose record on guns as a fake prosecutor and said he's a much bigger supporter of gun-owners rights than Sam Waterston.

Meanwhile, the NRA played coy over who they would eventually endorse but said they were encouraged that everyone's skin was hanging so loose.

Spector Jury Deadlocked Over Whether Shooting Someone in the Face Constitutes Murder

The Phil Spector "Trial of the Minute" ground to a screeching halt as the jury remained split over whether blasting someone in the face with a shotgun can be considered murder. A puzzled juror, putting the finishing touches on the first draft of his book, asked the judge, "What if he shot her in the face platonically? Or what if she had a heart attack in between the time the trigger was pulled and the bullet hit her face that was completely unrelated to the fact she was about to be shot? Also, any hope we can have this madman work with Celine Dion?"

Meanwhile, the defense tried to paint the victim as a manic-depressive, saying that at one point the woman was so desperate, she actually dated Phil Spector.

Spector, seen above cleverly disguised as Barry Manilow, plans to appeal the verdict, especially if he is found innocent.

Britney Spears Views Upcoming Drug Test as Another Great Chance to Urinate in Public

Since Britney Spears already had her genitals out, a judge ordered her to undergo twice weekly drug and alcohol testing in order to retain custody of her kids. Britney said it shouldn't be a problem to keep drugs and alcohol in her system twice a week but couldn't understand why the judge is forcing her to do so. Britney will also meet with a parenting counselor who plans to give the children "This Side Up" t-shirts to ensure they'll be dangled right-side up. Britney and husband Kevin Federline share joint custody of their sons, and joint custody of their joints.

World's Oldest Man Turns

Tomoji Tanabe, the world's oldest man turns 112 today. He is also completely ripe, and will go bad if he is not eaten in the next 48 hours. Tanabe celebrated with a breakfast of rice, miso, and seaweed, leading guests to say that his party was way better than last year's, where they served a birch tree. What's Tanabe's secret? Not dying.

John Kerry Drones On and On While Someone is Tasered

This is exactly how I'm making it sound. As a student is tasered in front of him, Kerry makes a boring and completely ignored plea for calm. Vintage Kerry.

The student lost consciousness, although it's not clear whether that was from the taser or the speech.

Now I'm Defending Kelly Ripa on MSN's "The Big Debate," Lord Knows Why...

What have I become? Click image to find out.

America's Premier Murderer Has Lost a Step

OJ Simpson, for years America's clutch player when it came to murdering people, is embroiled in a robbery scandal that threatens to taint his legacy as a killer nonpareil. OJ says he went to a Vegas hotel room to retrieve some sports memoribilia that belongs to him including a gallon of Don Strock's old bathwater, and a vintage Mark Duper booger. Witnesses claim OJ waved a gun then mumbled something about getting a round of "Frosmos" for Britney Spears.

Ten years ago, OJ would have killed everyone in the room, and been on his way to Mexico at five miles an hour. Now he waves a gun, vaguely thretening people? A gun?? The old OJ would have gone in there with a KNIFE and stabbed everyone within thirty feet of the intended victim including the room service waiter! He would have put on his $600 Italian "murdering shoes," and left nothing but an incriminating trail of blood and several reluctant witnesses. I'm sorry when you can't commit a simple double homicide by yourself, maybe it's time to stop murdering!

Meanwhile, attorneys are struggling to come up with catchy rhyming slogans to present to the jury. So far all they have is, "If you want to make a plea deal ya don't steal the memoribilia."

For Some Reason I am Defending Kid Rock on MSN's "The Big Debate"

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Full List of Recommendations by General David Patreus

Earlier this week in Senate hearings, General David Patreus recommended perhaps beginning troop cuts in Iraq in 2008. Just for reference, here are some other things the General recommends:

• Ice cream covered with Monterey Jack cheese


• Lifting with your back instead of your legs


• Beer, then liquor


• Hitting on 20.


• Giving wife honest feedback about her weight


• Florida in August


• Betting on the New York Jets


• "My Life on the D List"
  
• Buying a new iPhone the day it comes out


• Lou Bega Jr.'s music other than "Mambo No. 5"


• Shaving against the grain


• Craisins


• Paying retail price for a new car


• Dane Cook movies

Barnes and Noble Suggests "Buycott" of Upcoming OJ Simpson Book

After initially refusing to sell OJ Simpson's non-confession "If I Did It," Barnes and Noble is stocking the book, but urging customers to stage a "Buycott." "The best way for consumers to register their disgust is to buy the book, then not read it," Barnes told Noble. "Yes," Noble agreed. "Until they know the non-truth for themselves, they are unqualified to talk about the issue." "To show our indignation, we'll discount the book 30%," Barnes proposed, lightly cupping Nobel's buttocks. "Yes," Nobel said, "As long as we profit off the murders responsibly."

MSN's "The Big Debate" Enters the Looking Glass

(click image below or go to The Big Debate and click on Episode 55)

This Movie Did Not Need to Happen, Volume 7: "3:10 to Yuma"

If Yuma is so great, why don't we start the movie at Yuma, and if it's not, then why are we going there? 3:10 to Yuma? Sounds more like, "Two hours to disappointment."

D.C. Shocker: Republican Senator May Have Slept with a Woman

The Republican party is dealing with the fallout from the potentially explosive revelation that a Senator had sex with a woman. Wendy Cortez, a prostitute who purportedly works for the "DC Madam" claims to have had a series of sexual encounters with Sen. David Vitter's (R-LA) chins in 1999. The woman's claims are being cast into doubt however, since she also says she enjoyed the sex. "Ewww," said Iowa Senator Larry Craig. "Yucky," he continued."

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt has offered $1 million to anyone who can prove he or she had sex with a high-ranking government official. However, no word on whether he will give the money to a politician who admits masturbating.

Britney Spears is Back!

The Britney Spears we remember - tubby, lethargic, poorly lipsyching and stumbling along with lame choreography - is back! Britney dazzled fans at last night's MTV music awards by showing she's still capable of standing upright for three minutes while keeping her genitals out of sight. Promoting her new album, "Sweatin' to the Newbies" with the elan that only a mother of two newborns can deliver, Britney paused her tight routine only once to devour a box of Entenman's. Her next move? Probably taking a well-deserved three more years off! YOU WENT, GIRL!

Pete Doherty's Cat Enters Rehab

After this shocking photo surfaced, rocker Pete Doherty's cat Mittens has admitted he has a substance abuse problem and agreed to enter rehab. This is not the the first scandal for Mittens. Last year, British tabloids had a field day after a three-day catnip bender left him urinating on Kate Winslet's leg.

Mittens issued the following statement through his publicist: "For quite awhile, enabled by Pete, I have been addicted to crack cocaine and hurt all those around me. I feel like a weight has been lifted now that the truth is known and I look forward to getting well and spending the next eight years playing with yarn."

Is That Me on MSN's "The Big Debate?" Why Yes, Yes It Is

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Yahoo!'s "Tips to Stop Bullying" Will Get Your Kid Killed

Just in time for school, Yahoo! gives your child tips to stop bullying that will surely go a long way toward ending their lives.
They recommend:

Play or take breaks near adults while at school
Because bullies never bide their times lurking for a moment to unleash mayhem. They also really respect a kid who hides in the teacher's skirt.

Walk to school with older brothers and sisters or friends
Yeah, let's get their asses kicked as well.

Sit near the bus driver
Who better to entrust your child to than a part-time transportation employee making minimum wage? Bus drivers are known for their staunch eyes for justice. They love getting involved.

And how about this chestnut:

You might suggest that a child say, "Why are you picking on him? If you think it makes you look good, you're wrong."
Good luck finding their teeth after that.

New iPod Touch Allows You to Lose All Your Music, Movies, Photos, and Passwords at Once

Today Apple unveiled a remarkable new device called the "iPod Touch" that allows you to store movies, music, photos, and Internet information on one amazingly tiny, eminently-loseable package. Just 3" tall, The Touch is an iPhone without the phone capability, so if you misplace it, you can't call it to assess its location, meaning it is undoubtedly gone forever. Steve Jobs called the device an, "Incredible advancement in the world of identity thieves," saying, "By storing both your media and banking information on one device, the home break-in is rendered obsolete."

Nicole Kidman Reveals Some Guy We Don't Know About Didn't Want to Marry Her

In a startling new interview, Nicole Kidman says that she was engaged to a mystery man she refuses to name, but didn't marry him. "If the media would only stop respecting my privacy, perhaps I wouldn't have to reveal this information in such a fashion," Kidman bemoaned.

"So nothing happened?" the reporter confirmed.

"Yes," Kidman revealed. "Most people think of me as someone who didn't have an engagement around 2005, but nothing could be further from the truth," she added, uncryptically.

Kidman added some other interesting things have happened to her, but refused to elaborate.

Yet Another Triumphant Appearance on "The Big Debate"

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