Despite Record High Gas Prices, People Still Driving Like Shit

As crude oil rose to even higher rates today, record numbers of people worldwide still continued to drive like shit.

Experts and pundits are completely confounded as to how those still on the road can afford stopping short, going the wrong speed, turning without signals, and overall, sucking at driving. So far the best guess is the shitty drivers are also the wealthiest, although economists say those leveraging their credit to acquire gas may be even shittier.

"There may be a magic number where gas gets so expensive, people actually watch where they're going," speculates a guy wearing glasses who is probably some sort of fancy intellectual. "I'm guessing maybe $10 a gallon?"

Apparently Your Underwear is Not Being Crafted by Highly Paid Engineers

It may shock you to learn that United Students Against Sweatshops are saying that your comfortable Hanes underpants - which you rely on for so much - are made by Dominicans laboring with no healthcare for about $1 an hour. Even more shocking, the USAS told Hanes spokeswoman Jennifer Love Hewitt, "We respect your career as an actor." So basically, everyone's judgment is questionable here.

A spokesman for Hanes declined comment and also refused to address why and how Cuba Gooding Jr. has been stealing Michael Jordan's briefs.

If you wear Fruit of the Looms, not to worry - their factory workers take home an average of $228,000 a year plus benefits and company car.

This Does Not Look Like That Tough a Gang

If by "Gang" you mean a few middle age women and some toddlers, then OK.

Imus Once Again Displays Stellar Use of Razor-Sharp Wit

People are once again in stitches over yet another hilarious race-based musing from elderly female radio host Dawn Imus. Imus' earlier riff on "Nappy headed hos," had us in stitches all last summer. And yesterday, like the great Jonathan Swift, Imus once again used satire as a mirror to expose our peccadillos with a seminal discussion of the race of Dallas Cowboys cornerback PacMan Jones.

"I was using his race to make a point," Imus said, as he was deluged with gratitude from African-American people glad to have such an eloquent spokesman. Imus is of course a "must listen" for all African-Americans who place him in a pantheon with Bill Cosby and Marla Gibbs.

While some criticized his comments, Imus pointed out his show has two Black co-hosts and even a Black janitor. If you ask this journalist, Imus' man-of-the-people persona is as authentic as his cowboy hat.

Kobe Bryant, Lebron James to Lead US Olympic "Ween Team"

An Olympic basketball team led by Kobe Bryant and Lebron James - that sounds like a lot of fun, doesn't it? Picture the excitement of five players waving each other off to take 20 foot contested jump shots! Imagine the grace of American athletes yelling at each other during timeouts! Get ready for incredibly passive-aggressive post-game press conferences! For the first time ever, five pariahs on one floor!

Those organizing the team explained, "On the heels of the invasion of Iraq, we have to once again remind the world why they hate us. The selection of Kobe, Carmelo Anthony, and Jason Kidd will go a long way to serve that end."

Obama Too Good for Your Money

Barack Obama turned up his nose at your money today, opting out of public funding for his campaign, instead saying he plans to charge it to his credit card to get the miles.

"Like I really need your stinking money," Obama told a stunned crowd. "Oh yeah, thanks for all those crumpled up ones and change. It really helps. I'm running for President, not taking an office collection to buy Janice a birthday cake." As tears began to form he then shrieked, "I don't need you!! I don't need anyone!!" then ran upstairs to his bedroom and slammed the door.

Obama's decision threatens the entire public campaign finance system which up til now ensured that ordinary, average Americans could contribute to slagging the record of war veterans.

President Bush: "Offshore Drilling Will Ensure $5 a Gallon Gas for Future Generations"

President Bush called on Congress to lift the ban on offshore oil drilling, saying the move is necessary to ensure large profits in the years to come. "With the value of coastal real estate in the garbage, now is the perfect time to pick it up on the cheap and set up rigs as far as the eye can see," the President said.

President Bush also called on Congress to:

• Allow meat companies hunt endangered animals displaced by new oil production


• Increase production of Humvee limousines in case of a formal national emergency


• Triple the pension for retired Presidents

Escape to the Iowa Coast!

The hottest new vacation spot this summer is the week-old coast in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. Still far from overrun by tourists, the "I.C." is a great getaway for couples or families, featuring swimming, kayaking and vast underwater neighborhoods. You'll enjoy the finest in canned foods and jerky and meet entertaining locals who hate the government except for times like now when they need it.

US Air to Cut Fleet, Jobs in Effort to Shift from Airline to Company that Just Checks Bags

U.S. airways has begun a bold restructuring effort that will end with eliminating all flights and morphing into a company that simply loses bags. "We feel it is important we focus on our strength," said a firm spokesman, "And that isn't service, or punctuality, or even really flying. Plain and simple: we lose bags better than anyone in the business."

"Passengers need to understand with the rising price of gas, we can't afford to take them anywhere. However, that's no reason you can't dispose of luggage with us."

The move has caused a ripple among other airlines, particularly United who complained to federal regulators, "How can we compete with an airline that doesn't fly?" United says it plans to offer its planes as a great place to hold weddings.

Mars Lander Provides Exciting, Never-Before-Seen Views of Nothing

The $420 (heyoo!) million dollar mars Phoenix lander has sent back its first images - and they are particularly exciting if you've never seen dirt before. The pictures show the Martian landscape is much like our own, only with fewer Radio Shacks. The soil contains black specks that NASA scientists say could be minerals, black pepper, volcanic glass, or fecal matter from unhygenic creatures of a bygone era. The probe will continue digging until everyone involves loses their jobs, probably next week.

Rogue NBA Ref: "Players, Circumstances Conspired to Make Clippers Suck"

On the heels of his startling claim that the NBA used biased officiating to conspire to fix games rogue referee Tim Donaghy has dropped another bombshell: that coaches, players and circumstances inadvertently conspired to make the Los Angeles Clippers suck eggs.

"Do you think a team could suck that badly not on purpose?" Donaghy says. "You're talking about blowing late season games to the Sacramento Kings where f'ing Beno Udrih scores 30 points. That doesn't just 'happen.'"

In fact, Donaghy lists the Clippers, Grizzlies, and Bobcats among teams that don't need a referee's help to lose games. "They're great on their own. I mean, at being horrible."

Toyota to Sell Plug in Car by 2010, When No One Can Afford It

Toyota is poised to become the first automaker to offer a plug-in hybrid, which should hit the market in 2010, by which time gas should be $158 a gallon while home will have dropped to about 9% of their present values. The company boasts, "It's part of a large scale initiative to save the environment in a way that's unaffordable to the average consumer."

"Just because a car is good for the environment, doesn't mean it can't also be slow and boring. And yes, of course it will come in the same mundane silver that you see everywhere now."

Ken Griffey Swats 600th Meaningless Home Run

Ken Griffey hit a major-league milestone this week, clocking his 600th meaningless home run in a game between the Cincinnati Reds and Florida Marlins watched by a few dozen people who got free tickets through work.

The crowd rose in appreciation, then used Griffey's home run trot as an opportunity to empty their bladders.

Griffey is one of only six players to reach the 600 milestone, but he's the only one to hit the majority of his dingers in 5-3 losses to bad teams.

Steve Jobs Introduces New Wireless Black Turtleneck

Apple CEO Steve Jobs shocked the world at yesterday's Apple Development Conference when he introduced the first completely wireless, bluetooth compatible turtleneck.

The iShirt additionally has GPS, a camera and can hold over 10,000 songs. "Most people are looking for a computer to wear while they're skiing," Jobs told a captive audience, "And they also want a phone that wicks away moisture. Well, welcome to the best of two worlds!"

Many Mac acolytes say to skip this generation of iShirt and hold out for iShirt 2.0 which they expect will have a regular collar.

Is Country Ready for Another President?

As the country winds down from eight years of George Bush, some are wondering, "Is the country ready for a Black President?" while others ask, "Is the country ready for another President?"

A quick sampling of voters shows not all are ready for another leader. "I think we should take the next four years off and see how it goes without a President," said Baz Febler, a Michigan auto worker who's been unemployed since 1954. "I mean, could things really be worse? If we miss having a President, we can hold an election in 2012."

Others cite lack of trust, fear of abandonment and guilt as reasons they're not ready to enter into yet another constituent-President relationship. "I think the American people need to work on us," says a pundit who did not wish to be named.

Scientists Build World's Fastest Computer; Barely a Wait to Load Yahoo!

Now that the world's fastest supercomputer is here, you can save .00018 seconds while loading websites, and even cut .0064 seconds off the time it takes to start Microsoft Word! The computer takes up only 90,000 square feet, and will fit easily into most warehouses.

"When you add it all up, most of us lose almost three minutes a year waiting for emails to load," said one of the engineers. "This is time you could use to sit in traffic or eat a piece of gum. Tiny imperceptible waits are a thing of the past!"

Complaining About Gas Prices Hits All-Time High

Whining about the cost of fuel rose again today, as millions of spoiled babies stuck with cars they can't afford in the first place were shocked they had to pay maybe five more dollars to belch carbon into the troposphere.

And worse, experts see no relief in sight. Americans should be prepared to watch news reports of moon-faced yokels braying about being, "Squeezed at the pump," as refinery shortages have caused oil companies to realize people will pay three times as much for the exact same product.

Gas is currently $3.87 a gallon, plus tip.

Brad Pitt Scores Great Deal on $300,000 Couch

Brad Pitt was able to pick up a sofa for just $300,000 this week, a startling feat in today's economy.

"They were asking $303,000 but I was able to bargain them down," Pitt beamed. "I mean, anytime you can pick up a couch for under a million, that's a great deal."

The couch reportedly has three pillows and can seat three people.

Hummers to be Re-marketed as World's Largest Paper Weight

In response to skyrocketing fuel costs that have crippled demand, GM has unveiled a new round of ads that demonstrate the Hummer's utility as an object that presents small, thin objects from being wind blown.

The strategy, "Aims at the consumer who uses large documents, legal size or above. People with giant sheafs of paper. Maybe there's a large poster that keeps blowing away, or you work in an outdoor office by the beach. Perhaps you run a very poorly organized printing press, or you live on the jet stream and you have a giant collection of unmounted wind-socks. Or maybe you enjoy four-wheeling by having a team of horses pull your vehicle. In all these common cases, Hummer is right for you!"

As Obama Wins Nomination, Clinton Endorses McCain

A historic day in politics yesterday as Barack Obama became the first African American to win a major party's presidential nomination, while Hillary Clinton became only the second woman to lose one.

Clinton handled her defeat with her typical mix of class and passive-aggressiveness saying, "I have to hand it to my opponent John McCain or as I call him "John Campaign!" Ha ha, you can use that! But seriously, if you do, please respect the trademark and give me a royalty since I'm millions of dollars in debt."

"This next election presents us with a clear choice - stay on the present destructive course we're on, or dare to change. Now is no time for daring, which is why I'm happy to throw my support behind Senator McCain. I can think of no one whom I'd more rather see field that 'three A.M. phone call' - especially since he'd probably already be awake, urinating."

Aging Like a Fine Winehouse

Hey, when you've got "It" you've got "It" - that special ineffable quality that makes celebrities shine. And in some cases, "it" refers to scabs from picking your face after you come down from massive doses of narcotics. Shine on you insane diamond!

Clinton Pondering Run as Dependent Candidiate

If, as expected, she loses the Democratic nomination to Barack Obama tonight, Hillary Clinton is considering running for President as the nation's first Dependent candidate. The plan includes not accepting any money from private citizens and running entirely on corporate sponsorship and lobbyist support. "The people have spoken and it's time your giant multinational corporation shouts back!" Clinton exhorted a crowd of cheering CEOs. "I picture an America where you don't have to foot the bill for roads, schools, and troops, just the bill for my campaign!"