Maybe the Problem is Our Top Mortgage Loan Companies are Named "Fannie" and "Freddie"

I can't be the only one thinking this, right? I mean, can't we change the name to something like, "First National Federated Mortgage?" Or, "HomeShare Inc?" Or even, "Linens-N-Mortgages?" Who's going to take a foreclosure notice seriously when the stationary says, "Fannie" at the top?

McCain: Unpopularity Shows I'm Fit to Lead

What do Americans want in a President? Someone unknown, unliked and unpopular. So who better to vote for than the obscure John McCain? That's what this ad is trying to say, right?

House Eats Crow on Jim Crow Laws

Not a moment too late, the House of Representatives will likely pass a resolution to apologize to African-Americans for slavery and Jim Crow laws. "We really blew this one," the resolution reads. "Our bad...Yikes! Someone wipe the egg off our face!"

The African-American community is expected to accept this apology and let bygones be bygones. The resolution will be non-binding so those Congressmen and women who really aren't sorry can have "Crossies."

The resolution does not address the issue of reparations, although there is some talk of giving all African-Americans a 5% discount at J. Crew stores.

The George W. Bush Story: Finally, Learn How it Didn't Happen

With so much truth floating around out there about President Bush, it's truly monumental that someone has the courage to make a bunch of stuff up and present it as truth. Thanks Oliver Stone!

Amy Winehouse Temporarily Released from Hospital

Amy Winehouse was released from the hospital this morning until the next time she is forcibly checked into a hospital. Doctors say she's as, "As healthy as any 98 year-old chain smoker we've ever seen," and said she'll be, "Back on her feet stumbling around and picking at her bedsores in no time."

Richard Branson Unveils Cool New Way to Die

Today British millionaire Richard Branson unveiled his new craft that will take people into outer space, and almost get them back. The spaceship will take passengers who pay $200,000 more than 60 miles above the earth's surface. It couldn't come at a better time, seeing as we now have a giant surplus of fuel. And don't worry - it's equipped with airbags.

As Opposed to Other Gunmen, Who Are Normally So Tolerant of Gays and Liberals...

Huh. Shocker. Thanks ABCNews.com though for making sure this loony gets his day in the sun.

WNBA Update: Sparks-Shock Brawl Sparks Nothing, Shocks No One

Even after a brawl two nights ago WNBA games continue to be a great, quiet place to go for a little solitude or to get some work done. Players Plenette Pierson and Candace Parker began to skirmish as the clock wound down in the fourth quarter of a two-to-nothing game. Unfortunately, there were no witnesses.

The fight began as the two jawboned down the court over who was the better mother. Pierson then insulted Parker's pumps. Parker responded by calling Pierson a "Size 10." The two were quickly separated and boredom was restored.

It Turns Out Janet Jackson Gave It Up for Free

A U.S. appeals court struck down an FCC fine against CBS, calling Janet Jackson's boobie, "Not worth paying $2 to see, much less $550,000." The court cited precedent in noting that, "One boob alone, without the other is virtually worthless." The decision also rambled that, "To call any boob 'indecent' however is a misnomer, when all boobs are inherently decent."

The decision left room to fine performers in the future, "In case Tom Petty gets any ideas."

Banks Now Putting Money in Mattresses

After IndyMac's high-profile bank failure, other at-risk U.S. banks are buying tens of thousands of mattresses and storing their money in them. The last 24 hours have seen a run on mattresses to the point where there are mile-long lines outside of Sleepy's, who for the first time announced, "We are no longer slashing prices. In fact, for the first time, our prices are reasonable."

Hardest-hit were the customers of "Jeff's Savings and Loan" who went to retrieve their money on Friday only to learn that Jeff wasn't running a real bank out of his camper.

Favre to Packers: "I'll Only Play if You Don't Want Me To"

When it comes to the drama between Quarterback Brett Favre and the Green Bay Packers, the plot continued to thin today with the quarterback saying he wanted to, "Go where he felt least wanted."

"I didn't retire for 7 days to just come back with the same team I play for a team and a fanbase where I'm beloved." Favre insists. "I will only go back to the Packers if they don't want me to. And if they do want me to, well screw them, I'll force it down their throats.

Favre also privately told the Packers, "I'm bluffing...No I'm not...yes I am...you figure it out."

Family Calls $40K Settlement for Urine-Tainted Food, "Worth It"

A Nebraska family was thrilled to receive $40,000 after eating Taco Bell/KFC food that had been spit and urinated upon by a restaurant employee. "A year's worth of salary for a few drops of piss?" said an elated cornpone dum-dum? "We were eating at Taco Bell, so you've got to figure the food is 4% feces anyway." The family plans to celebrate by eating at McDonald's, sending back the food, and hoping someone puts their balls in it.

Angelina Jolie Gives Birth to Several Million Dollars Worth of Babies

Angelina Jolie continued her pointless and alarming reproduction yesterday having two more babies just to prove she could. In previous years, Jolie has simply bought babies abroad, but with the dollar's shoddy exchange rate, it's now cheaper to make her own.

Pictures of the babies are expected to fetch $15 million to $20 million from someone who doesn't understand that all babies look alike. A smiling Brad Pitt told reporters, "Looks like I've dug myself into an even deeper hole, huh?"

Five Hour Lines to Buy Broken iPhones

Lines stretched around the block at Apple stores today as hundreds queued up to buy the latest in broken Apple technology - a new 3G iPhone that can't be activated through iTunes. Those who were actually able to buy the phone couldn't believe their luck. "I've waited for over a year to be able to deal with Apple's tech support," said one satisfied new customer. "Glitches, hiccups, and outages, this is what the iPhone experience is all about!"

Others were equally excited. "As soon as this massive outage is solved, I can't wait to activate my phone, stick it in my pocket, and start irradiating my balls!" said another buyer, who added, "Hope my friends and family are ready to hear me babble non-stop about getting live stock quotes!"

Worldwide Alarm as Iran Obtains 1950s Technology

The fun nation of Iran demonstrated basic rocket technology today, putting the world on high-alert that Iran may now have knowledge of 17th century physics. President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad announced, "After years of struggle, we now have a primitive understanding of mass, velocity, and acceleration. We are working toward obtaining a black market Apple Macintosh, or maybe even a Brother word processor. So look out."

G-8 Resolves to Worry About Climate Change Later

The developed nations of the G-8 today reached a stunning agreement to maybe address the global warming problem at some indeterminate point in the future. Described as, "A firm non-binding accord," that, "Goes a long way toward vaguely not committing to act," the pact should cut emissions by 2050 if everyone involved still feels like it. The Wall Street Journal commended the G-8's foresight in, "Making sure there's enough of an environment in the future from which to carve out new golf courses."

Wall-E Script: An Exclusive Look

The movie "Wall-E" is winning over hearts and minds of Americans in America, but also abroad, and even non-Americans within America and also in their own respective countries. So what better time to take a close look at the groundbreaking screenplay behind the movie.

Wall-E: "Wall-E."

Eva: "Eva."

A bunch of stuff happens, then:

Wall-E: "Wall-E."

Eva: "Eva."

Wall-E: "Eva."

Eva: "Wall-E."

Then a bunch of other stuff happens. We now go to 30 minutes later in the movie.

Eva: "Wall-E?"

Wall-E: "Eva?"

Eva: "Wall-e!"

Wall-E: "Eva!"

Then there's a ton of exciting stuff that happens and we get to the final, climactic, heart-rending finish:

Wall-E: "Wall-e."

Eva: "Wall-e."

Wall-E: "Eva."

Two Incredibly Boring, Overrated People May be Having Sex

Oh, to not be a fly on the wall during the rumored trysts of Alex Rodriguez and Madonna. A-Roid has repeatedly been spotted leaving the singer's apartment around midnight leading to speculation that she enjoys hearing stories about losing baseball games, or that mutual feelings of self-important blandness have blossomed into a full-fledged boring affair.

A spokesman for the singer denied the rumors and also added, "I don't like the term 'cougar'; I prefer saying 'vintage' or 'certified pre-owned.'"

Starbucks to Close 600 Stores on Your Street

Starbucks announced today they are closing 600 stores, all on the same street. Citing a downturned economy and the fact that many consumers have switched to heroin, the company plans to slow its expansion back down to "Metastic tumor-type rates." Starbucks is also offering a new line of lower cost products including:

• A cup of foam (50 cents)


• A cup (25 cents)


• A nickel (10 cents)


• Used coffee grounds (20 cents)


• "Akeelah and the Bee" DVDs (30 for a dollar)