"American Idol" to Phase Out Singing

"American Idol" will add a fourth judge to the panel this season as part of an overall move toward eliminating singing from the show. After focus group data showed no one cared to hear yet another version of "Fever," Idol's producers realized they could simply trot out contestants and insult them based on their appearance. Contestants will tell the panel what song they would have sung, then Simon can berate their song choice, Randy can say it was just alright for him, while Paula will tell them how magical they look.

The new judge, Kara DioGuardi, has written several songs for Marc Anthony and Bo Bice, so she's experienced at telling people tactfully that they suck.

Hallmark Finds Way to Bleed Gay Wedding Invitees for an Additional $3

Now that your gay friends can invite you to legal weddings in far off places with expensive registries, Hallmark is coming out...with a line of gay wedding-theme cards to bleed you of an additional $3.00 on your way to nuptial-induced financial ruin. The cards offer sentiments that you normally couldn't express for yourself such as, "Congratulations on your wedding," and, "I'm happy for you." Hallmark offers four "gay wedding cards," so odds are newly-married gay couples will receive 25 of each.

Polls show that 64% of Americans oppose gay weddings simply because they don't want to be invited to any more weddings.

This Time They've Finally Discovered the Real, Actual Bigfoot!

There is no way that this giant gorilla suit stuffed into a styrofoam container that scientists are not allowed to examine is a fake Bigfoot. Fortunately, CNN has been covering this story around the clock, and their experts say the fact that the Bigfoot has eyeholes and a zipper down the back only prove its authenticity. "It is well known that Bigfoot actually looks like a guy wearing a Bigfoot suit. You can see this in conclusive soft-focus black and white photographs as well as in unimpugnable video featuring several jump cuts," said a prominent Bigfoot expert, who only coincidentally has nine roommates.

"This latest find is the most significant advancement in the field since a photo last year of something that looks as though it's either a mossy log or a giant creature lying on its side."

Obama Promises Donors, "I Will Win," but If Not, "Hey, It's Your Money"

Today Barack Obama issued a non-binding guarantee to his donors that he will win the White House. After raising $7.8 million at a series of San Francisco events, Obama told a crowd the money was needed to break a cycle of cynicism in politics where the public - for some reason - seems to think that they need to donate money to get their voices heard. "It is only by using this money I can prove how irrelevant you are," Obama said to puzzled cheers.

Meanwhile John McCain continued to question Obama's ability to lead, noting that, "As an outsider Obama lacks the experience to realize we need an insider to act like an outsider to change politics in Washington." McCain pointed to the recent conflict in Georgia as evidence that when it comes to our next commander in chief, we need someone with the experience to do nothing about events most Americans don't understand.

Hillary Clinton to Get Another Chance to Lose Election

Hillary Clinton will have a historic last chance to lose the Democratic nomination again when her name (first and last) is placed into nomination at the Democratic National Convention in Denver. Clinton has waged a historic losing campaign and both she and her supporters are thrilled to have yet another public forum to show they are thoroughly outnumbered and rebuked. The move is expected to demonstrate that not the entire Democratic party is in-step with the rest of the country. There are still a lot of people who like the old way of doing things whereby a candidate campaigns on a forum of criticizing their past votes.

Other people who won't get the nomination during the Convention include: Zac Efron, comedian Bill Engvall, and the circus performer Mishu.

The Worst-Ever News Story Illustration Picture

"Ontario Now" wants you to know that a prostate exam is when a doctor sticks a rubber-begloved hand into your rectum. They couldn't get anyone to pose for a picture, but were luckily able to find a life-like replica buttocks to demonstrate a typical probe. So be sure to get (see above) done to you.

"Links I Refuse to Click On" - #1 in a Series

Here is the first of what I hope will be a long series of the Internet's least enticing links. Congratulations to "People Magazine" for this gem:


"Pink Sends Message to Ex"??? Pink's music sucks even when she doesn't have a message. I can't imagine that this message would be interesting to anyone, even the intended recipient. To attempt to extend this non-event into a whole story sounds like a completely worthless endeavor. Nice try, Internet!!

P.S. Screw you, People Magazine!!!

China Sadly Has No Idea that Yao Ming Isn't a Big Deal

With the Beijing Olympics almost upon us, many multinational companies have failed to realize that a center with no jumping ability who can't play defense and misses most of his team games isn't really that popular. "Wear the Shoe of a Man Too Slow to Keep Up with Shaquille O'Neal!" begs one ad. "Gatorade: What Yao Drinks While he Rehabs His Ankle!" says another.

UPDATE: Several companies have an emergency back-up plan to switch their spokesman to Udonis Haslem.

Favre Determined not to Let Team Distract From Him

A day after returning to training camp, Green Bay Packers Quarterback Brett Favre wants to be traded saying that he can, "No longer allow the Packers to distract from him."

"After they let me retire, now I'm supposed to play for them? It doesn't make any sense," Favre said. "The only fair thing is for them to let me out of the very generous contract I signed under my own free will to go play for one of their hated rivals."

Favre contends he is in "Game shape" after spending the off-season throwing interceptions.

You Can Go Back To Mindlessly Slaughtering Gorillas

Gorilla poachers finally got some great news today: it turns out there are double the amount of these eminently killable animals to wantonly slaughter than previously thought.

A new census shows more than 125,000 gorillas in the Congo - an especially remarkable statistic since perhaps even more gorillas wouldn't open the door to take the survey.

Asked to explain, one scientist guessed, "This must be a banner year for gorilla sex."