President: "$700 Billion Bailout Needed to Avoid Nightmare Scenario of $700 Billion Bailout"

President Bush gave an exciting television address last night (opposite an all-new "Bones" on FOX!) in which he asked the nation to support a $700 billion bailout of Wall Street in order to avoid a financial collapse that could cost the nation $700 billion. "Banking is a tough business," the President said, "People don't realize that you don't necessarily make money just because you lend it out, then collect more back later. Only by acting now can we avoid a financial collapse which could cost the government billions."

"Without this plan we could face recession conditions of rising unemployment, a dropping stock market and lower real estate values," Bush warned. When pointed out that this is already happened, the President replied, "Still, though."

Approval of the bailout will ensure that banks are able to continue to lend large amounts of money to unqualified borrowers. The President added that it's critical in this time of crisis that we avoid any sort of Presidential debates and/or campaigning.

Dow Jones Drops 4% in Worst Collapse Since Monday

The stock market plunged almost 3% this morning on word of it opening. "Most of us on The Street have never seen a drop of these epic proprtions before," said a broker who was hired yesterday. To quell worldwide fears the government bailed out ailing insurer AIG. AIG is now hoping to avoid bankruptcy until next week.

Despite pleas for calm many investors are pulling their funds out of the market to invest it in illegal narcotics and hookers both of which promise to be buoyant industries in a sunk economy.

Another Cartoon I Wrote for Seth MacFarlane's "Cavalcade"

Something I Wrote for Seth MacFarlane's "Cavalcade of Comedy"

Sarah Palin Proves She's Unqualified and Ignorant Enough to Lead This Country

In a speech last night that was so good Rush Limaugh liked it, Sarah Palin erased any doubts that she is the single best person to lead our nation.

Palin made it clear she's not like those "Washington Insiders" who have worked in federal government and apply their experience to make knowledgeable decisions. She would apply her complete ignorance of foreign affairs and domestic legislative and judicial rules to solve problems like immigration and Pakistani instability with simple rural charm she learned by driving her kids to hockey. Perhaps we could even eliminate the climate crisis by poring over the book of Leviticus a bit more thoroughly. We would win the war in Iraq, provide unparalleled care to those with Down's Syndrome (hopefully without resorting to science) and pay for it all with an enormous tax cut.

By the way, here's a great joke I heard last night:

Q: What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull?

A: Lipstick!

(note: I'm unsure if this means the hockey mom wears lipstick or the pitbull wears lipstick. Either way, it's a terrific joke that qualifies the teller to be Vice President)

"Maverick" McCain: "I Would Nominate Animals to Cabinet"

The praise continues to roll in for John McCain's Vice Presidential pick as her unmarried pregnant teenager daughter, past involvement in a secession party and ignorance of Iraq show just how "maverick" a choice she was. McCain continues to insist he vetted Sarah Palin thoroughtly. Pressed for details he explained, "I saw her name printed on a piece of paper and instantly said, 'Yes.' Then, I met her. I punched her in the stomach and she didn't cry, so I knew I made the right choice."

Senator McCain says if elected he will continue to make "Maverick" decisions and would even appoint animals to serve on his cabinet. "Who would be a better Secretary of Defense than a feral owl?" McCain asked. "Owls are watchful and terrifying. They're militant, and they don't take any guff. For Secretary of Education, I would nominate a lynx to serve. They run fast and have beautifully toned hindquarters. For Health and Human Services, I'm thinking a tuna melt would be perfect. Who doesn't enjoy a tuna melt, especially when it's raining?"